DC feels aggrieved because school friends have ‘more’

[Foolsrule]

A bit of a strange one. We live in a nice house in a nice area. DC attend a school with a mixed catchment and have friends from a range of backgrounds. Eldest DC is under the impression that we are poor as we don’t have a huge wide screen TV, she doesn’t have her own phone and I send her to school swimming with a plain John Lewis towel as opposed to a branded/themed Disney one. She seems envious of her friends who seem to have a lot of ‘stuff’ on a daily basis, but don’t have the holidays, the range of out of school activities etc. and opportunities she has. I have explained that different families do things differently, we place value on different things but neither way is right or wrong, and she still seems to feel hard done by. Some of it might be about fitting in? Any ideas, anyone?

@Namenic

If the child wanted extra pens when there were already pens present they could use, then they can use their money to buy it. If the child has a towel she can use but she wants an extra one, use her pocket money! The JL towel was purchased previously. And additional one is superfluous currently - so kid pays for extras/enhancement

But in your post, you are talking about the kid selling THEIR stuff to buy new stuff but now you're saying the child ins't allowed any stuff of their own.

Why even have kids if you hate them that much?

Honestly to begrudge your child something as basic as their own pen or towel insisting they should borrow yours and save up to buy anything they need themselves makes you seem tight-fisted and selfish.

She's 11 FFS, she should not have to beg or buy her own basic item and she shouldn't even have to share them especially not if you can afford not to.

The issue is that when the towels were bought, the OP's DD should have had some input into them if one was for her to take swimming.

I let my 4yo pick his swimming towel and swimsuit.... both Paw Patrol horror monstrosities but at least I'm not losing him in the pool any time soon !

I’ve never bought a towel especially for swimming….
We’ve just used the towels we use at home. And no they don’t have paw patrol Disney etc… on them. We all share towels, there is no adults or dc towels. Just family towels….

But I think all this talk about towels is missing th épointée completely.

It’s not about towels. The towel issue is one small part of what the dd wants. She also wants her mum to change her phone to the latest model but no one on here has said tht the OP should change her phone so her dd can fit in.

If it was just about a towel, then I could see the point of PP.
If it was about being able to chose her own clothes etc…, then I would see the point.
But it’s not is it? The towel is only one small point amongst a lot of others. Which also means that giving her a Disney towel isn’t going to solve any of the issues the dd has.

@PerfectlyUnsuitable

But I think all this talk about towels is missing th épointée completely.

It’s not about towels. The towel issue is one small part of what the dd wants. She also wants her mum to change her phone to the latest model but no one on here has said tht the OP should change her phone so her dd can fit in.

If it was just about a towel, then I could see the point of PP.
If it was about being able to chose her own clothes etc…, then I would see the point.
But it’s not is it? The towel is only one small point amongst a lot of others. Which also means that giving her a Disney towel isn’t going to solve any of the issues the dd has.

But just because the OP can't (or chooses not to) do all of the things her DD wants, it doesn't mean she shouldn't do any of them. People are focusing on the towel as an easy win. Its relatively cheap and easily accessible and is obviously significant as it was a specific example given. Its also hard to see that a towel could offend the OPs 'values' so I suppose, why not?

I wouldn't worry too much @Foolsrule, I think all kids can be a bit like this, I know I was.

I think they key is to watch out for the things that are actually important to your DD, as opposed to other things that don't really matter as much.

There were a few things I never got/got really late which did actually impact my feelings and social life at school, for example I didn't have a phone until I was about 14 so I missed out on a lot of meet-ups and jokes etc, which really upset me. On the other hand, I was never allowed Kickers as school shoes, which gave me the hump but equally didn't really matter at all and no one ever commented on it.

@5128gap, I don’t think it’s an easy win at all.

It’s easy to fool yourself that by doing that you’ve done enough to help your child. Except it’s not.

I’ve been there with dc. It wasn’t a towel, it was an Xbox. The result was the same. It dint work. Fitting in is not just about a towel or an xbox. It’s more than that and sometimes, it’s not possible to make a child fit in.

Besides, the OP has never said her dd had issues with fitting in. That’s what posters concluded too.
She might well just struggle to accept she can’t have everything.

Does she enjoy the holidays and going into London though? Not at this age but slightly older, ALL I cared about was fitting in, having the latest phone, bag etc. I don't think indulging this to SOME extent is harmful. It's perfectly normal that at 11 she'd probably rather have a tv in her room than go to a club. She will grow out of it.

Does she have pocket money? Do you buy her stuff she likes for her birthday, even if you think it's a waste of money?

I agree with @Antsgomarching

She should be taught not to judge and be judged by what people have and what brands they buy. It's just materialistic nonsense.

There will be other little kids moaning at their parents to get them what she has.

This is quite normal
And common for children as they grow into young adults - it’s about finding their place and fitting in and yes on many things you can bend - BUT try as you might you’ll never touch your toes because until she’s comfortable with herself she’s reaching for the stars