DC feels aggrieved because school friends have ‘more’

[Foolsrule]

A bit of a strange one. We live in a nice house in a nice area. DC attend a school with a mixed catchment and have friends from a range of backgrounds. Eldest DC is under the impression that we are poor as we don’t have a huge wide screen TV, she doesn’t have her own phone and I send her to school swimming with a plain John Lewis towel as opposed to a branded/themed Disney one. She seems envious of her friends who seem to have a lot of ‘stuff’ on a daily basis, but don’t have the holidays, the range of out of school activities etc. and opportunities she has. I have explained that different families do things differently, we place value on different things but neither way is right or wrong, and she still seems to feel hard done by. Some of it might be about fitting in? Any ideas, anyone?

I think kids always compare. We live in a fairly affluent area but despite having professional jobs, we're still near-bottom of the pile when it comes to stuff. My 11yo came home asking why we don't have Spotify in our car (because it's 15 years old!) or why our house/his bedroom isn't as big as his friends' or why we don't go abroad on holiday at least once a year (pre-covid).

If they're small things (like a Disney towel) I'd get them for birthday/Christmas, but have tried to explain that different families have different finances/priorities.

Also: only ever ready salted crisps. I don't think we ran to Holland and Barrett but they were certainly very dull.

Christ. Just get her the towel as everyone else has said.

I was that kid. Mum had me in 'posh' John Lewis coat and smart socks. I wanted a more trendy M&S coat and those socks with pictures on (mum said they were tacky)

Or the time I really really wanted a Swatch watch, but they bought me a blue one that they thought was prettier (as an adult now, I agree it was prettier and more stylish - not the point!!!!)

It's about fitting in. Really resonated someone saying something about the RI bag - in my day it was a bag from a trendy shop in Liverpool. My god, I finally pursuaded mum to get me a pair of socks from there and they went to put them in a brown bag - NO NO NO, I was only buying them for the bloody yellow bag.

Just let your child fit in.

I might just add, my child is desperate to go to Primark and buy stuff to look cool. She thinks it too expensive for us to afford (we're struggling a bit at the minute) - just shows it's not about money, it IS about feeling their friends don't think they're losers.

When I used to want the same as ‘everybody else’, my DM used to wonder why I wanted to be the same as everybody else. ‘I never did!’

To be fair, it was largely down to being skint that I was mildly ‘deprived’, but it was only a couple of decades later that I told her that if she really hadn’t wanted to have/be the same as everybody else at that age, then she just wasn’t normal.

But I think she knew that anyway!

OP, I’d def. buy her that Disney towel for Christmas.

I dare say we’ve all bought things we privately think a bit tacky/tasteless for dcs, and Gdcs, come to that. You should see what I’ve just ordered for a Gdd of 6!

"Fitting in" is over rated though. I always had homemade cake and a whole raw carrot (long before carrot sticks were a thing for kids). It made me different and I didn't like it at the time but much more valuable as a life lesson than a Disney towel. Different is good, why would you teach children they need to be the same as everyone else? How many adults do you know who have debt problems because they need to have what their friends have? Don't set that cycle up.

Things like Disney towels can be picked up for a fiver but are important to a kid.

@Foolsrule I think you’re probably trying to instil in her that money isn’t everything. But at 11 you really are never going to have a sense of finances across the board, in fact I don’t think you ever do until you’re paying for things yourself.

Going to John Lewis is hardly scrimping. Surely it’s about her feeling happy and confident at school?

Your comment about having a broader outlook because you have lived abroad is amusing. If you read a few more books you might be more clued up on the exact issue you’ve posted about.

A towel and a phone are hardly extravagant things and by the sounds of it you can afford it - the fact you won’t buy them and instead are ok with her feeling left out at school, says far more about you than her, IMO.

I love that she sees a Disney towel as something to aspire to

I might get her the towel but I wouldn’t be buying everything that she wants just to keep up. She sounds like a lucky girl. I would have loved John Lewis towels growing up

I agree this isn’t about money.

She doesn’t value the same things you do op. There’s a fine balance here between showing her you value HER enough for her opinion to matter (buyher the bloody disney towel) and showing her just because the crowd does or has it you don’t have to.

I think we do our children a disservice if we fail to remember how important these things are to them

Yes I think this is true. Growing up my mum wouldn't get me a lot of stuff because she viewed it as tacky... I'm the opposite now really...my DD loves those huge bows, I thought they were tacky but my DD loves them and wanted to fit in with her peer, so I got them for her.

@Helpstopthepain would you really have given a shit where a towel came from as a child?

@Spiceup

"Fitting in" is over rated though. I always had homemade cake and a whole raw carrot (long before carrot sticks were a thing for kids). It made me different and I didn't like it at the time but much more valuable as a life lesson than a Disney towel. Different is good, why would you teach children they need to be the same as everyone else? How many adults do you know who have debt problems because they need to have what their friends have? Don't set that cycle up.

It might be over rated to you, not to everyone

The way forward here is compromise. Different families have different priorities and values. These do not make them any lesser compared to yours, they are just different.

She wants to fit in, so give her a helping hand every once and a while. Disney towel for Cmas, plastic crap here and there. Put yourself in her shoes.

By the way the poster who said ‘tell her to grow up’. This is an 11 year old girl. Weren’t you ever 11?

@SarahAndQuack @MargaretThursday @Atla I have found my people! My mum sent me to school in home made tunics instead of the actual school uniform, and pots of healthy bean salad for lunch....

When DD started school I drove myself bonkers trying to work out what rucksack to get her to fit in (went sparkly unicorn...) and whether more kids wear the branded t shirts or supermarket one. Ironically we actually live in an area where the home made tunics and bean salad would probably be fine so was probably worrying about nothing

My daughter feels like the poor one as we live in a small house (single parent). She’s felt like this since year six when we moved. Despite having the intelligence to understand that I place more emphasis on their out of school opportunities, she still feels hard done to. She’s done every activity she’s ever wanted to try, I spend hundreds upon her dance classes. Yet she’s ashamed because of the size of our house. Sometimes they just have blinkers on.

@Foolsrule

Age is year 6 (almost 11). I have said she can have a phone when she goes to high school. I will get a different towel. I just can’t seem to get across to her that she’s really lucky in many ways.

I didn't give in re the phone until they went to secondary school either. I never minded Disney/Star Wars type pyjamas or towels but I don't like other clothing as it's usually a bit naff but both my DS were always happy with that.

I totally understand the "fitting in" thing. My mum was like you, and everything I wore or took to school was different from everyone else's. I didn't notice it in primary school, except for the fact that we didn't have a TV and everyone else did.

Once I got to secondary school I did notice and I did care. My school jumpers were knitted by my mum, my school bag was an old portfolio style bag that she owned, plus there were lots of other things.

I did get a bag like the others because the portfolio wasn't big enough, but I absolutely hated being the odd one out.

I remember being sent to school with a brown leather satchel. ALL the other kids had string handled bootbags which they would drag along the floor pretending they were puppies.

Now as an adult id love a brown leather satchel. But I still get a knot in my stomach when I think of five year old me not being able to join in.

@RJnomore1 I would have been happy just to have one with no holes or bleach stains to use for swimming. I probably wouldn’t have cared where it was from, you are right.

Yeah she’s a bit young to get the detail of the perfectly reasonable message you are giving.

She is also surrounded by kids flashing mums old iPhone etc and sounding off about material stuff.

She is just trying to fit in with her peers.

@Spiceup

"Fitting in" is over rated though. I always had homemade cake and a whole raw carrot (long before carrot sticks were a thing for kids). It made me different and I didn't like it at the time but much more valuable as a life lesson than a Disney towel. Different is good, why would you teach children they need to be the same as everyone else? How many adults do you know who have debt problems because they need to have what their friends have? Don't set that cycle up.

I think there is a big difference between teaching a child they need to be the same as everyone else - or letting a child dictate everything they want - and not giving a child the sense you believe you are better than other people because of the things you choose (or can afford).

I also think giving a child the message that you get into debt because you buy the same things as other people is, in this context, not quite honest. Quite obviously the OP is buying the more expensive option (John Lewis towels cost more than Disney; regular holidays likely more than a wide-screen TV). If her friends' parents are in debt, it is most likely because they're not that well off.

I would worry about this logic playing into the whole 'OMG the poor are poor because they buy big tellies' fallacy.

My daughters friend is like this - always complaining about what others have but lives in a lovely house with beautiful garden. Kids don’t appreciate that (and why should they?). They live far from buses and trains and she wants to do what her friends do, have what they have etc. it’s normal and they want to ‘fit in’ with everyone else. I’d compromise with some things - if expensive get them for birthday/Christmas. As she gets older she’ll appreciate things much more but remember - it’s difficult being young and kids are cruel - it could be others pointing out what she doesn’t have.

When I was growing up I had a good lifestyle but my parents didn't understand about brands and how these things could affect quite a lot for kids. I really wanted Reebok pumps or Nikes and felt bad about my cheap trainers. Yeh it's really shallow but I struggled to fit in so much anyway.

I'm really conscious of not doing anything with my dds that makes them feel like that. I buy a lot of brands and I don't think they give it much thought because they have what everyone else has.

She doesn't feel luckier than the other children if they can afford:
Smiggle pencil cases £30
North Face coats£100
Expensive school bag (£60 to £150)
On trend uniform - Next / New look etc. Prices vary.

If you're so MC, you can find the money for it. You just chose not to, as you think its beneath you. Its not beneath your child, and their social class is suffering as a result of your views.

No amount of MC snobbishness is going to make her feel better. Children in sensible shoes and old fashioned sensible clothes and bag don't become popular and really feel the distinction in their social class (= underclass). They eventually become nerds then generally blossom at uni but its very hard for them 10 - 16yo.
Kids who are bought all of above, and all the rest as they age, go through high school popular and into 6th form popular and thrive at uni.

This is why pp say 10yo+ are expensive. Did that pass you by?

@MotherOfCrocodiles

If I wanted to wear summer uniform before May then dm insisted I had a white polo neck jumper underneath. I wasn't cold without it!

Don't know why I didn't arrive at school and slip it off really. Never occurred to me.

I did have a home knitted cardy, which was lovely, but lots of people had hand made ones.

My girls had home made gingham dresses, but made with discussions with them, and when they said they wanted shop ones I got them for them.