DC feels aggrieved because school friends have ‘more’

[Foolsrule]

A bit of a strange one. We live in a nice house in a nice area. DC attend a school with a mixed catchment and have friends from a range of backgrounds. Eldest DC is under the impression that we are poor as we don’t have a huge wide screen TV, she doesn’t have her own phone and I send her to school swimming with a plain John Lewis towel as opposed to a branded/themed Disney one. She seems envious of her friends who seem to have a lot of ‘stuff’ on a daily basis, but don’t have the holidays, the range of out of school activities etc. and opportunities she has. I have explained that different families do things differently, we place value on different things but neither way is right or wrong, and she still seems to feel hard done by. Some of it might be about fitting in? Any ideas, anyone?

@Foolsrule

Age is year 6 (almost 11). I have said she can have a phone when she goes to high school. I will get a different towel. I just can’t seem to get across to her that she’s really lucky in many ways.

Most kids are like this in different ways OP and river has it been thus. I have 3 kids all around too primary / early secondary and guess what- nothing is ever enough because someone always has more. It’s an extremely important lesson to learn that you cant have everything - especially you can’t have everything right away. If she wants something, she puts it on her Christmas list or saves up by doing chores or getting a special reward for something she’s achieved. One of my kids in particular has a huge bug bear that other kids do xxx or have xxx why can’t I. Some of these things are wildly innapropitae (ie playing 18 cert video games at age 9 or watching squid games etc. Even if I let them have and do everything they wanted / asked there would always be more. I give them a wonderful life filled with fun, activities, experiences and a fair few things they want like games consoles. They need to learn restraint and that everyone is different and spends money in different ways. Stand your ground other wise you could be raising entitled brats.

So the dd can have a the disney towel as a Xmas gift.....instead of just in the trolley in Asda or whatever since they are £5ish I loads of cheap shops. Just they one time bestow the vast honour of having something all the other kids take for granted...just give her self esteem another battering.

These threads are so depressing. Loads of parents totally get it about supporting kids to fit in. Then there are loads with the weird snobbery our parents had.

I don't think there's any evidence that kids who had trendy stuff at school have terrible outcomes.

@Lovelydovey

Having grown up with parents who tried to impose middle class values on me as a teenager and hating it as never fitted in - no branded goods, packed lunches, entirely practical decisions- I now try to involve my teens and tweens in decisions.

I guess I’ve now largely adopted those values from my parents, but encourage my children to think about what they want and the trade-offs. Eg encouraging my DC to pick school bags which mean they don’t stand out, letting them choose their own haircuts and offering the option of school dinners several times a week, providing a phone in year 7 (DS1 declares that my old iPhone which he uses is the most admired phone among his friends - they all have second hand and older models).

Mine certainly don’t follow the crowd sheepishly but it is important at that age that they can develop their own taste (some of which will be influenced by peer pressure) and not only have that of parents imposed of them.

Explained beautifully - this is what I do with my kids too.

In which ways is she privileged, relative to her classmates?

I agree with you on the phone thing.

I do think it's a difficult thing for a child to understand. But telling you what kind of phone you should have is cheeky!

You sound like an utter insufferable snob so I bet your daughter feels the full force of that.

The fact you 'branded' your towels says so much about you, mine are the cheapest towels I could find in Asda and do you know how many people have walked into my bathroom and given a shit?
Zero, they still dry my ass just like yours do.

It's like people who have fancy 'guest' towels, as long as it doesn't look like a torn-up rag used for cleaning oil then no one cares if it's a standard white towel. No one has ever left and said 'oh Moira is so posh because she has custom Egyptian cotton gold monogrammed hand towels from Harrods, so much better than Helga who just has unbranded cream ones'

Do they have John Lewis embroidered on them because otherwise don't they just look like a plain towel anyway?

That said for my kids I would totally buy a 'branded' character one If you have a Finding Nemo towel and your friend has a Cinderella one and your other friend has Paw Patrol it is defining at that age.

Your daughter is at a CRITICAL age in developing her own individuality and you are forcing yours on her and frankly even as an adult your 'view' sound dire and miserable to me.

It really helps that my friends and my children’s friends have similar materialistic values, lots of clothes swapping, disinterest in Disney, second hand touch screen phones, forest school outdoor activities, scouts,

I expected the OP to get a harder time on here. I think the OP sounded very MC snobby and sneery about what people less "privileged" choose their spend money on.

I think 11 is plenty old enough to understand that different people have different ideas about how money is best spent.

My DD12 would rather live in a 'modern' home and have money to spend on a new phone, cheap fashion etc but she accepts that is not our values - and tbf we aren't as well-off as a lot of people we know - so we often have conversations about why people buy 'stuff'.

It's about finding the right compromise I think - stuff like a Disney towel, I would put on a birthday or christmas present list. Fashion clothes - save up pocket money and we would match fund it. I did buy the 'right' bag and coat for her when she went up to secondary school though as I do concede there are times when it is important to fit in and that just a bit of indulgence would make her feel very different about starting a new chapter in her life.

My mother has the mindset that I had way more than her and thinks I should be grateful for this. She still bangs on about it now. I had some hand me downs, school shoes and coats she deemed appropriate right up to early teens. And this was despite my parents being possibly the wealthiest parents of all the parents of stated educated kids in my school. Where my friend had 3 pairs of the most coveted jeans ever, I had to beg for one pair. And at 13 I had to beg for a bra, which she scoffed at as she decided I wasn’t developed enough. This was the only bra she ever bought me. I’m not saying you’re the same as this. But you are sounding somewhat like the modern day equivalent.

With this sort of attitude, you are not going to be close to your dd. You want her to come to you and tell her things, talk to her, reason with her, be her guide advocate, don’t you? Think a little forward to when she has her independence, boyfriends, situations with alcohol and so forth.

Your dd is at the age, where she’ll be pulling away and rebelling. She’s also at the age, where tastes change a lot and will continue for the next couple of years if she’s anything like my yr9 13 yo dd. Buy your dd a Disney towel now. And be ok if in 6 months time she doesn’t want to use it anymore. You can give it to charity, a sibling or cousin etc.

Birthday lists and Christmas lists and saving towards items might be the way forward

Surely a John Lewis towel costs more than a cheapo Disney towel off eBay?! You don't like it because you consider it to be tacky and you think you're better than those families who do buy Disney towels. That's what it comes down to.

How old is she? I think it's just a phrase. My dcs attend private school and as a result we have a much less lavish lifestyle than some of his friends in order to pay the fees. Our house is lovely in a nice area but some of them live in much bigger houses/mansions and have a lot more stuff and holidays. Ds is 8 and often compares saying we are poor and so and so's house is so much better than ours. Or their dads car is this or so and so has several houses. This is a recent thing and I expect a phrase.

I just explained that that's very nice for them, how lucky they are but also how lucky we are. How this isn't 'normal'. That these things don't matter and don't necessarily make you happy, that we have a loving family, enough holidays, food etc and fun and that's more important. That seems to pacify him until the next time.

OP using the reason 'she has far more than I did at that age' is potentially really damaging, especially if you say it to her in those terms.

My DM used to say this, and STILL says this to me all the time. I used to think, even at a young age, 'so you are weighing what I would like against what YOUR parents gave to you, and deciding what to do on that basis - how does that even work?!'. Take ownership of your own decisions and values at least.

You know what would be worse in all of this... that by the time the disney towel (or whatever) is bought and given... all of the other kids have moved on to the next thing , and then it becomes damaging in itself.

I dabble in a bit of this, both ways. But then I also say to my kids - 'you know what kids, there's families near us who we don't know, who might not have enough to eat tonight, or can't put their heating on. What shall we do about it?'. If you are making comparisons to other kids, it needs to be relatable.

She keeps saying I should get a new phone as mine isn’t the latest iPhone. Her friends’ mums have these. I could go and buy one, but I won’t, because I don’t need one.

Now this is a tough one, I have to agree. I only ever use Samsung Galaxy (whatever's cheapest). Around £100 is all you need, maybe £150. £500 for a phone - foolish. £700 - obscene. You can go on a holiday for that. My DS1 is only starting to finally understand it, he's almost 18.

As for middle class values - please let kids be kids, they'll have enough time for all that shit in adulthood.

I spent my child good not feeling I fit in as well because my parents made different choices about how to spend their money. Eg no branded clothes, John Lewis school uniform. Clarks shoes and not sport brands. Never had a branded pack lunch box etc.

Now as a parent I probably go the other way worrying about my kids having the 'right' brands things to fit it. But that's partly because we can afford it.

@Notdoingthis

I'm surprised at all the people saying to buy her stuff. I would tell her to grow up to be honest. I'd be horrified if my child of that age complained that they didn't have enough stuff. Does she not understand that we all need less stuff, and stuff is not wjat is important?

Horrified? Wow. A child wanting to fit in with her peers is not horrifying it's perfectly normal. Preteens can be extremely self consious and if a disney towel makes her feel less "different" just buy her one.

Also whether we like it or not a mobile phone is an essential part of modern socialization as I think the last 18 months have shown.

I guess she will learn that when she's older. When you are 11 you aren't really taking perspective of the wider world.
It's really about your 11yr trying to fit in to the world. At that age they start identifying with their peer groups more and noticing what's the same and what's different, on a very basic level.
So you get comments about towels, TVs, what trainers so and so has etc.
It's just her trying to fit in, it's not an indication of selfishness so don't take it personally!!
You could take the line that some people just have different things, it doesn't mean they are 'better'. Because someone might have a bigger TV because they like bigger TVs that it's a choice thing too.

Ask her to name a friend she has she likes. Then ask her if 'Sophie' had a big screen TV or a smaller TV would you like her less then and be less of a friend to her?
Hopefully she'll answer No! Then you can say....well then you can see that the things people have doesn't really affect if they are a nice person or not.

You ran this stuff into then when they’re young. They are born privileged just living in this country. Directly my kids act spoiled the treat us immediately withdrawn. Recently after an excellent parents evening I decided to get my youngest a treat. When I produced it as a ‘well done surprise’ he turned his nose up at it as ‘it wasn’t good enough’. So I took it back. Lesson learned.

Now as a parent I probably go the other way worrying about my kids having the 'right' brands things to fit it. But that's partly because we can afford it.

There will always be bigger things that you want and can't afford. But its really mean to begrudge your child a towel or a lunchbox.

This is probably one of the most depressing threads I’ve ever read on this site

I've realised with my DD13 that just fitting in is so important. I also had these middle class ideas about clothing and accessories. We also live in an affluent area but DD went to school with a very mixed catchment.

When she started there in Y7 I bought her the expensive backpack that all the cool kids at her middle class primary had. After a week she came home in tears after being called posh girl and insisted on going out and spending her birthday money on a £20 plasticky tote bag from New Look.

I found more and more areas where I had to adjust my thinking on things to allow her to feel like she belonged. I'm an older mum and my ideas were not only a bit too middle class but very old fashioned too.

Being a teenager is so tough these days. Just do what makes her happy and don't expect her to feel lucky about having the things you consider to be superior in your world. Her world is very very different.

I had similar issues although DC never really complained.
I was always very against brands and logos. They would get good quality football boots but not the twice the price famous make ones.
In hindsight I think I got it about right as DC never got into expensive branded clothing and still don't care as adults in their 20s.

The one thing I did get wrong was in not buying the exact toy they wanted for Christmas because I thought it was rubbish. I should have got it anyway.

I think at almost 11, she's old enough to know the true (environmental, and human indentured) costs of a mobile phone, in an age-appropriate manner, and then understand why it's not a good thing to constantly be getting new ones.

In my experience Year 7 is even worse for wanting to fit in, as they are all at sea with the secondary transition. We even drove the wrong sort of car apparently!
However with mine it was a temporary thing and they went on to happily be much less materialistic later.