DC feels aggrieved because school friends have ‘more’

[Foolsrule]

A bit of a strange one. We live in a nice house in a nice area. DC attend a school with a mixed catchment and have friends from a range of backgrounds. Eldest DC is under the impression that we are poor as we don’t have a huge wide screen TV, she doesn’t have her own phone and I send her to school swimming with a plain John Lewis towel as opposed to a branded/themed Disney one. She seems envious of her friends who seem to have a lot of ‘stuff’ on a daily basis, but don’t have the holidays, the range of out of school activities etc. and opportunities she has. I have explained that different families do things differently, we place value on different things but neither way is right or wrong, and she still seems to feel hard done by. Some of it might be about fitting in? Any ideas, anyone?

@MotherOfCrocodiles

Ah yes, a fellow bean salad sufferer. I also used to get the crumbly cake and over-diluted squash in my flask

I definitely over-compensate with DD. She has a giant tacky JoJo bow and I bought her these sparkly mermaid sketchers when she was in nursery school - my mum was horrified, but DD loved them!

@MargaretThursday my mum was the same as yours with a brownie uniform. Mine was second hand and actually out of date and I felt like a stuck out like a sore thumb. We were not poor!
Also sent me to school in my male cousin's hand me down jumper .
The Disney towel is a reasonable request but in other areas hang tight. My eldest had a habit of looking round her Friends and cherry picking something to envy from each one. Whereas in fact no one had everything.

If you're buying your towels from John Lewis then I think you could splash out on a cheap Disney themed towel .

@ReadtheFT

I would not buy her stuff for thw porpouse of fitting in. Or she will learn that yes, fitting in is THE most important thing, ie following the crowd. Keep explaining to her and she will understand at some point. Otherwise it starts with disney towel and never ends.

I agree with this.

I really am not a fan of giving kids stuff just because they perceive that their mates will give a shit (when they probably won't). It's validating that what other people think of you based on your possessions matters. Surely it's better to teach that being a good person and friend is what's important and if people don't like you because of the towels you have, that's their problem

Loads of children are like this and they no doubt will pick up your values.

They’re in a world surrounded by people who value stuff other everything else. It’s not a surprise that they notice what they have and others have.

@MobyDicksTinyCanoe

I remember being sent to school with a brown leather satchel. ALL the other kids had string handled bootbags which they would drag along the floor pretending they were puppies.

Now as an adult id love a brown leather satchel. But I still get a knot in my stomach when I think of five year old me not being able to join in.

This is exactly the sort of thing my parents did. And the bastard lunch box thing - everyone had those chunky thermos lunch boxes with a cartoon character and I had something plain from tragos

You just chose not to, as you think its beneath you. Its not beneath your child

I think this is true. FWIW, my DP and I talk about this stuff a lot. I didn't have trendy stuff because my mother was a knit-your-own-yoghurt type who had absolutely no understanding that people were offended by her broadcasting the fact she found the things my classmates had cheap and nasty. My DP didn't have trendy stuff because her parents were very poor. Her mum also did (and does) a good line in announcing that the trendy stuff is cheap and nasty.

What is telling, for me, is that it was always quite obvious to DP's classmates that her parents simply couldn't afford things, and my mum could but chose not to. And I think I got more nasty reactions because of it.

I would get her the towel, what's your objection in that? I got a Disney towel in 1988 and I still have it. None of mine had mobiles until secondary school, and I refused to budge on that one. Dd14 told me a few days ago that she's the only one is her class that doesn't have a contract (I just top it up as required) and I said she was welcome to have one if she pays for it. Strangely she didn't seem to think it was as important then.
I remember when I was in primary school I really wanted a Kylie & Jason or Bros bomber jacket, as my friends all had one. Instead, DM (probably thinking she was being very MC) bought me a school blazer and felt this was something much better. My school didn't even have a blazer, and I even remember my teacher being DS18 still holds it against me that I didn't allow him to get a PlayStation.

Mine was second hand and actually out of date and I felt like a stuck out like a sore thumb

I had the old style second hand Brownie uniform with the old fashioned tie and breast pockets @Monolithique.

All the other Brownies had the new uniform with the hip pockets and different tie.

@Spiceup, you sound like my DM was!

Again it was largely down to money, but in my first year at grammar school I was about the only one who didn’t have everything new - mine was all hand me downs from elder sister - even the particular indoor shoes we had to have.
As a result, I was determined that dds would have all new uniform to start with, even if anything later came from the second hand uniform shop - by then they weren’t bothered anyway.

@ReadtheFT

I would not buy her stuff for thw porpouse of fitting in. Or she will learn that yes, fitting in is THE most important thing, ie following the crowd. Keep explaining to her and she will understand at some point. Otherwise it starts with disney towel and never ends.

You can't get those years back. They only have one childhood.

My self esteem took an enormous battering over stuff. Years of feeling not good enough.

Going against the consensus - don't buy her a Disney towel, she is 11 years old, the towel will be consigned to the cupboard in 6 months time, and she will deny she ever wanted one, and she will wonder (hopefully) why she ever made such a fuss about it.

@Helpstopthepain yeah I get you now.

[quote Atla]@MotherOfCrocodiles

Ah yes, a fellow bean salad sufferer. I also used to get the crumbly cake and over-diluted squash in my flask

I definitely over-compensate with DD. She has a giant tacky JoJo bow and I bought her these sparkly mermaid sketchers when she was in nursery school - my mum was horrified, but DD loved them![/quote]
I do this too! My dds had those leli kelli trainers with loads of glitz and we have about 8 jojo bows. Honestly I love getting them all this stuff I wasn't allowed.

Yeah but OP, you place value on things too - the 'John Lewis' towel (why do we need to know that), the 'living abroad' thing making you somehow better to other people.

Buy her a Dryrobe or something for swimming - is better quality than John Lewis and won't be immediately discarded as babyish when she's at secondary.

It's validating that what other people think of you based on your possessions matters. Surely it's better to teach that being a good person and friend is what's important and if people don't like you because of the towels you have, that's their problem

It's not about that. I don't recall anyone every saying to me "you don't have X so I won't be your friend" or anything similar. I'm not even sure it was ever mentioned to me that what I had was different.
But I noticed it, and it made me feel different and that mattered to me .
Now I'm an adult, I don't really care if what I have if different. I get what I like because I like it or it's comfortable or convenient or because I've weighed up the cost and decided it's the most cost effective.
That's my choice now.

But I also don't begrudge my dc wanting something so they fit in with friends because I remember that feeling of being on the outside of a crowd because of not having the same things.
That doesn't mean I buy them everything they ask for, but if they want a Disney towel rather than the beautiful luxurious JL ones that I know are better, then actually I pop it on their Christmas list and let them have the pleasure of being the same.

My dc are now teens and older and sometimes they want to fit in, and they sometimes want to have something that doesn't fit in because they prefer it.
Ds (14yo) I think is the only dc at his school who chooses to wear the uniform shorts all year round (yes, this is a standard state comp) because he prefers them. But he's just asked for a different drinks bottle because his friends all have similar ones. I've just ordered him one, which he'll get for Christmas. I suspect it won't last as well as his current one, but we'll see.

The main reason we never have, is that there won’t be lots of lovely leftovers to eat up, and thus minimal cooking for the next few days.

Secondary reasons, bloody expensive, and if we’re talking a trad roast, home made is almost bound to be nicer - all on to the table freshly cooked.

Plus for us it’d almost certainly mean driving, which would mean that somebody couldn’t drink. And no way that’d be me - I can’t do without a gallon or two of proper Buck’s Fizz on Christmas morning.

Sorry, wrong thread! Mods pls move.

YABU
She is too young to really grasp the value of holidays or non-tangible opportunities or naice area house.
Meanwhile she could be happier if she only had a Disney towel or some other stuff that KIDS love. As PP said - they only have one childhood.

Funnily enough the Disney towels I bought when mine were younger turned out to outlast all of the more expensive options (especially the hideously expensive Danish ones) and the Disney towels only went to the charity shop this summer after 20-25 years (although I think DD25 may have taken home the 101 Dalmatians one).

Obviously this is not about money because you are choosing more expensive options but more about your ideas of taste that you expect her to follow. I would advise as you are heading for the teenage years to give a little on things that don't matter - does it really matter if she dries herself after swimming with an Olav towel? If so - why? Similarly the no-phone rule may need a rethink when she is coming up to secondary age. Does she have her own pocket money that she can save up to buy these things?

She's coming to the age where she will be needing more independence and you will lose some of that control as she hits the teenage years so you need to focus on the really important values rather than nonsense about tacky towels.

@Foolsrule

Age is year 6 (almost 11). I have said she can have a phone when she goes to high school. I will get a different towel. I just can’t seem to get across to her that she’s really lucky in many ways.

Well she's 11. You can't expect her to have a lot of perspective, really. She is comparing herself to her friends, it's just how kids of that age are.

I didn't really start to value "experiences" over material stuff until I was into my 20's. It's normal.

@SheWoreYellow

Age 11 she’s old enough to understand that people have different amounts of money.

Also she’s old enough to understand that people who don’t have very much money often prioritise the more visible bits and pieces because they can’t afford the bigger things.

Would a Disney towel cost more than a John Lewis towel? I don't imagine it does although I suppose John Lewis have different ranges.

Buy her a Disney towel for Christmas.

OP

Don't underestimate the human need to 'fit in'
Or the excitement and pleasure of receiving something that you would really like, no matter how 'impractical' it is

Provided you act in moderation, you can give both of these gifts to your daughter (and I'm not talking about the items themselves here - that's somewhat irrelevant) - that is what she is asking you for. As she becomes more mature, you can reflect together on where you both stand on this sort of stuff.

Your daughter knowing that what is important to her, is important to you, is an extremely powerful aspect of your relationship. By all means have boundaries, but don't ignore or pooh-pooh it.

I think in year 6 there are few personalities or people of such unassailably high self esteem that they place no importance on blending in.
It's a life stage thing, you don't need to hammer home the message of not caring what people think of you too much, we all learn that lesson in multiple ways over the years, in the home or out of it, by example or by personal experience. Not worrying about fitting in is a balance anyway, we all try to fit in at times for various worthy/not worthy reasons.
Get the towel, it's a towel and will see years of service one way or another.
It will be a symbol of feeling heard by her mum and not overruled and judged as petty and this will be a comfort and make her more ready to accept the things you stand your ground over as she will know that you do listen and her feelings do count.