DC feels aggrieved because school friends have ‘more’

[Foolsrule]

A bit of a strange one. We live in a nice house in a nice area. DC attend a school with a mixed catchment and have friends from a range of backgrounds. Eldest DC is under the impression that we are poor as we don’t have a huge wide screen TV, she doesn’t have her own phone and I send her to school swimming with a plain John Lewis towel as opposed to a branded/themed Disney one. She seems envious of her friends who seem to have a lot of ‘stuff’ on a daily basis, but don’t have the holidays, the range of out of school activities etc. and opportunities she has. I have explained that different families do things differently, we place value on different things but neither way is right or wrong, and she still seems to feel hard done by. Some of it might be about fitting in? Any ideas, anyone?

[quote Foolsrule]@Comedycook - you’re right. We’ve also lived abroad and I’d say have a broader outlook on many things than some of the more local families (for want of a better description).[/quote]
Ok, I've been biting my tongue, but after this post: no, you just sound like a massive snob. If I can pick it up, so can your DD and her friends.

If you think John Lewis towels are all that, and living abroad is wonderful, and wide-screen TVs are terrible, that is your prerogative. But don't dress it up as 'oh I just want you to know how lucky you are DD!'

@MargaretThursday
@SarahAndQuack

Do we have the same mum?? Dry, brown bread sandwiches on days out

I have geeky boys, one with ASD and one borderline who are addicted to screens. Growing up I got them a Wii because it was vaguely active but wouldn't get them a Playstation or XBox. They had a PS at their dad's. They are in their early 20s now and they still think I was mean, and they got teased for not having one. I thought I was being sensible and it was good for them to have their screen time restricted, but they still can't see it! So maybe I was being unreasonable, but I'd probably do the same again. It's not like they didn't have access to a PC or anything.

So I get your pain.

[quote Atla]@MargaretThursday
@SarahAndQuack

Do we have the same mum?? Dry, brown bread sandwiches on days out [/quote]
My people! What a shame we didn't know each other as kids, we could have given each other sympathetic glances over the brown bread. And butter, not marge, which didn't spread. Oh, the cruelty.

I'm surprised at all the people saying to buy her stuff. I would tell her to grow up to be honest. I'd be horrified if my child of that age complained that they didn't have enough stuff. Does she not understand that we all need less stuff, and stuff is not wjat is important?

[quote Atla]@MargaretThursday
@SarahAndQuack

Do we have the same mum?? Dry, brown bread sandwiches on days out [/quote]
🤣🤣🤣

And over dilute bottles of squash served in plastic cups.

We had similar when ds was yr5/6. Apparently we were poor as we didn't have a hot tub! We do live in a 'naice' area, and its obvious some people around here have lots of spare money to spend, but we aren't exactly hard up, he had branded clothing, holidays etc so not quite sure where it stemmed from. I did point out that we don't have those things because we don't want/need them, and that there is more to life then material things and having what everyone else has. He also appeared to be in a year group with lots of competitive parenting, which obviously brushed off on the children. I don't have any of this with my dd who is now in yr 5. Thankfully he has gone to a secondary school in a different area with people from all sorts of background so it has stopped.

@SarahAndQuack @Atla

All the pack meals taught me was how to dispose of an entire pack lunch without eating any of it, without the rest of the family knowing.

Age 11 she’s old enough to understand that people have different amounts of money.

Also she’s old enough to understand that people who don’t have very much money often prioritise the more visible bits and pieces because they can’t afford the bigger things.

@Notdoingthis

I'm surprised at all the people saying to buy her stuff. I would tell her to grow up to be honest. I'd be horrified if my child of that age complained that they didn't have enough stuff. Does she not understand that we all need less stuff, and stuff is not wjat is important?

Yes, it's amazing isn't it, but age three my DD had definitely grasped that lesson. Right after she told me she'd much prefer some nice Bach to Peppa Pig.

@Notdoingthis

I'm surprised at all the people saying to buy her stuff. I would tell her to grow up to be honest. I'd be horrified if my child of that age complained that they didn't have enough stuff. Does she not understand that we all need less stuff, and stuff is not wjat is important?

She may not be whinging.. she may be upset and the anxious and the OP has teased it out of her. Children don’t have adult values They don’t estimate cost. The op knows a John Lewis towel is more expensive than a Disney-style one from a high street market. The child feels poor bc Disney-style towels have been bought bc the child will enjoy them. The John Lewis towel is bought so the parent can enjoy them.

I chat with mine about how we have a ‘pot of money’ as a family that we can spend on things. If we spend £x on y then we can’t spend it on z. So, for example, if they have the school free dinners then we have a few pounds to go swimming. It’s about making the choices that suit our family. In this case, maybe she can have the Disney towel (or whatever) but it won’t be the branded snacks for a bit or skip the milkshake treat when out (or something). I don’t mean that as punishing the child for wanting a Disney towel (!) but more talking about the reality of budgeting. After all, it won’t be long before they have to do it for themselves! I’ve found that sometimes mine have said they still want y but other times they’ve realised that actually they’ll stick with z. Either is fine.

@ReadtheFT

I would not buy her stuff for thw porpouse of fitting in. Or she will learn that yes, fitting in is THE most important thing, ie following the crowd. Keep explaining to her and she will understand at some point. Otherwise it starts with disney towel and never ends.

My mum had this belief too when I was growing up. All I wanted was to fit in & blend with the crowd. My mum sent me on a brownies activity weekend (sleeping away) with sheets & blankets, everyone else had a sleeping bag.

I think we do our children a disservice if we fail to remember how important these things are to them

[quote MargaretThursday]**@SarahAndQuack* @Atla*

All the pack meals taught me was how to dispose of an entire pack lunch without eating any of it, without the rest of the family knowing.[/quote]
Oh yes.

I also got a lifelong hunger for those amazing cadbury mini rolls, because my best friend always had them. I thought they were the peak of sophistication. My mum always sent me in with home-made fruit cake, heavy on the fruit and low on the sugar. She has no sweet tooth, my mum.

I'd think at 11 you are about to get bombarded with requests as she hits high school.
I'd probably have a chat and give her some freedom. If she wants to drop a horse riding lesson and have a £20 allowance instead or suchlike I'd let her. As much as fitting in shouldn't matter it does.
She probably has zero regards for a John Lewis towel over a Primark one

Whilst it's good to talk to your kids about environmental stuff and quality, sometimes kids need that cheap Disney towel, for example, to fit in with their peers. You don't need to go all out to make sure they have everything their friends do, but the little things are so important. I was that child with the "quality" uniform when I just wanted the same box pleat skirt as my friends.

I just can’t seem to get across to her that she’s really lucky in many ways

She is only a kid. She won't fully understand your opinion of 'lucky' if she is going to school daily and feeling left out. That's what matters to her, and it is huge. I think it's important to realise at 11 it is unlikely she has the emotional development to share your views. She lives in the moment and for the majority of her time, that's in school.

At 11 she is old enough to understand that people have different finances and that families spend their money in different ways.

But you do sound like a bit of a snob OP and there's a sense that you think your way is superior to the other families. That sort of attitude is probably coming across loud and clear to your DD, who just wants to fit in. Your current outlook won't be teaching her to be grateful for what she has or to be mindful of consuming you much stuff.

What you could do is say that next time she needs new swimming kit, she can choose what she would like to buy on the understanding that she won't be autonatically getting new things when the trends change (and she moves to secondary and suddenly nobody wants a Disney towel). Give her a budget to cover what she needs and then it's up to her to decide how it's allocated. If she still chooses the Disney towel then that's her choice. You might find she chooses a nice child friendly swim towel that isn't as popular as Disney, but it nicer than you'd naice John Lewis ones.

MargaretThursday

@SarahAndQuack @Atla

All the pack meals taught me was how to dispose of an entire pack lunch without eating any of it, without the rest of the family knowing.

My mum used to buy these 'healthy' crisps from Holland and Barrett that tasted of nothing. I used to get my friend to share half of her flavor n' shake sachet

It's difficult isn't it, but I agree about fitting in. Buy her the towel as a present if you wish but she is old enough to start understand that we can't have everything we want
It's a hard lesson to learn

The fact that your OP mentions that your towels are John Lewis speaks a lot about what you place value on. Which I fine as an adult. But she's going to sound like a proper knobhead if she says "but my towels are JL" to the kid with the Lion King one!

If kids reliably understood nuances and values to this extent, we'd let them vote. They don't. They're kids.

My mum always sent me in with home-made fruit cake,
@SarahAndQuack

Yes I had the fruit cake too. Only by the time it was eaten it was normally a pile of raisins and crumbs all over everything else, because dm didn't believe in wrapping everything individually. Very nice cake eaten straight after it was cut though.

I would buy her a Disney towel.

Yes. My mum was an early pioneer of the 'clingfilm is evil' school of environmentalism. Which I do subscribe to, but it was a bit much in 1989.

I think talking about how much things cost, such as electricity which is something they can see but also council tax which is something they cannot see, insurance, running costs of cars. She needs to start to understand people choose to spend their money on different things, that priorities are different.

My two are much older but this article on bedrooms from around the world is a good thing for your DD to see.

www.goodnet.org/articles/these-20-kids-rooms-across-world-will-teach-you-humility

In her sphere of people she sees what others have, I wonder if she ever notices the children who don't have Disney towels or mobile phones.