DC feels aggrieved because school friends have ‘more’

[Foolsrule]

A bit of a strange one. We live in a nice house in a nice area. DC attend a school with a mixed catchment and have friends from a range of backgrounds. Eldest DC is under the impression that we are poor as we don’t have a huge wide screen TV, she doesn’t have her own phone and I send her to school swimming with a plain John Lewis towel as opposed to a branded/themed Disney one. She seems envious of her friends who seem to have a lot of ‘stuff’ on a daily basis, but don’t have the holidays, the range of out of school activities etc. and opportunities she has. I have explained that different families do things differently, we place value on different things but neither way is right or wrong, and she still seems to feel hard done by. Some of it might be about fitting in? Any ideas, anyone?

Meh, I have towels that are older than I am which is why I think OP should just buy a towel her DD likes. They’re always useful for something.

Spoilt is not caused by letting kids have the things that express themselves or 'fit in' but rather by denying them what they see everyone else has, they then spend their life chasing what they feel they should be getting because it's 'unfair' to have 'less' in their eyes.

Is it now?

In the case of the OP, the dd isn’t going wo when all her friends have whatever. She is getting DIFFERENT things. So she might not have the latest Disney towel but she has activities right left and centre for example. Activities that she enjoys.

Like anyone else, if she had ‘what everyone else has’ then she wouldn’t be able to have all the things that ‘everyone else’ doesn’t have either. Is that good? Is that a wise choice to teach a child to just go with whatever other people are doing with no regards for what SHE likes doing?
I personally wouldn’t want to teach my child that tbh. ESPECIALLY if she is finding hard to fit in (which the OP never said - that’s other posters’ conclusion).

FWIW buying the towel might make her happy (for a bit) but it won’t help her ‘fit in’. Fitting in is about more than a towel, it’s actually more than the obvious material thing that children (and adults) have.

A child that doesn’t fit in shouldn’t be taught to do whatever it takes to fit in, but the latest iPhone because everyone else has one or the Disney towel. A child like that should be encouraged to find their own friends, those who are in their wavelength. (Probably by encouraging those activities others don’t do). They should be encouraged and supported to build up their self esteem. They should learn about themselves and to be proud of who they are.

Believe me, as someone who doesn’t fit in and whose dcs have struggled to fit in, it’s not about the Disney towel. It runs much deeper and is much better handled by build self esteem and being round of who they are than by buying stuff that they only care about because that’s the stuff others have.

@5128gap

Its not about the quality of the towel or sustainability of buying fad items. To the OP a Disney towel (like a big TV) represents a type of person and lifestyle she doesn't want to be associated with.

And? Is that an issue if that’s the values that drive your life?

Should the OP or anyone else buy a big TV or character t-shirt/towels because other people don’t buy into the lifestyle she has chosen for herself and her family?

My granny used to say, "You can't spoil a good child with love." I think buying her a towel she really wants is a loving thing to do and it won't spoil her.

Just chipping in to say I’m 40 and my kid uses my swimming towel I had when I was a child. It has all my swimming badges on and my mum kept it. Towels last a bloody long time! So a Disney one can last a long time abs not just be used for the pool.

Mum never bought me any of the fad toys etc either. Tamagochi, furby etc. I always felt a bit hard done buy. Still a bit pissed off now if I honest.
The very first fad thing I got was a Jane Norman school bag when I was about 13/14. And that's because my mum gave me money to go and buy my own school bag because she didn't want to go shopping. I almost wet myself with excitement 🤣

Some of the replies on here are so unbearably sanctimonious. The amount of power needed to cool the huge computers that you are using when you surf the Internet is mind boggling compared to that that has gone into a towel used for 10 years.

Quite surprised at the amount of people saying just get her whatever she needs to fit in. It's very useful to teach kids they don't have to fit in all the time - it's OK to be different sometimes. (Especially for when sticking up for principles, values etc.)

@OneLifeThreeGuvnors

Quite surprised at the amount of people saying just get her whatever she needs to fit in. It's very useful to teach kids they don't have to fit in all the time - it's OK to be different sometimes. (Especially for when sticking up for principles, values etc.)

By ensuring that the adult fits in with another crowd (the one that disapproves of the ones the child likes)?

That's very individual.

@PerfectlyUnsuitable

Spoilt is not caused by letting kids have the things that express themselves or 'fit in' but rather by denying them what they see everyone else has, they then spend their life chasing what they feel they should be getting because it's 'unfair' to have 'less' in their eyes.

Is it now?

In the case of the OP, the dd isn’t going wo when all her friends have whatever. She is getting DIFFERENT things. So she might not have the latest Disney towel but she has activities right left and centre for example. Activities that she enjoys.

Like anyone else, if she had ‘what everyone else has’ then she wouldn’t be able to have all the things that ‘everyone else’ doesn’t have either. Is that good? Is that a wise choice to teach a child to just go with whatever other people are doing with no regards for what SHE likes doing?
I personally wouldn’t want to teach my child that tbh. ESPECIALLY if she is finding hard to fit in (which the OP never said - that’s other posters’ conclusion).

FWIW buying the towel might make her happy (for a bit) but it won’t help her ‘fit in’. Fitting in is about more than a towel, it’s actually more than the obvious material thing that children (and adults) have.

A child that doesn’t fit in shouldn’t be taught to do whatever it takes to fit in, but the latest iPhone because everyone else has one or the Disney towel. A child like that should be encouraged to find their own friends, those who are in their wavelength. (Probably by encouraging those activities others don’t do). They should be encouraged and supported to build up their self esteem. They should learn about themselves and to be proud of who they are.

Believe me, as someone who doesn’t fit in and whose dcs have struggled to fit in, it’s not about the Disney towel. It runs much deeper and is much better handled by build self esteem and being round of who they are than by buying stuff that they only care about because that’s the stuff others have.

We have OP self-sided word that she has all these things OP deems lovely (like John Lewis towels) NOT that the child has what SHE wants to express herself.

She is ASKING to express herself her way because it is how she is expressing herself and OP has deemed her own way better - she wouldn't be asking for these things and getting upset at being undermined and denied if it wasn't her choice.

You can't override what a person directly says they want and decide you know better than them about their own sense of self.

Children should be allowed hobbies AND self-expression in their style it's not one or the other - nearly every child I know has nice hobbies bar the ones that choose not to do hobbies of their own choice, all still get a say in expressing themselves.

Agree mostly with @OneLifeThreeGuvnors and @PerfectlyUnsuitable.

I mean - I don’t really think it’s helpful to ban things in general, but I wouldn’t be encouraging it (the towels have already been bought and another is currently superfluous). That’s why I would say they’d have to save up and get it. If it was a 1st person shooter video game that I think would be more harmful at that age, then I’d probably veto it until a bit older.

People thought I was a nerd at school and got teased for it. But i’m glad that despite all of that I didn’t just get peer pressured into doing what everyone else was doing. I know it’s only a towel, not smoking, drugs or playing truant - but it’s helpful to teach kids that it is sometimes the right thing not to follow the crowd. And for them to not be mean to others who don’t conform.

@NeverDropYourMooncup I didn't read the original poster as thinking the child had to fit in with one group, to look down on another. I was just making the point that it's useful to teach kids it's OK to be different sometimes. Not better, or worse, just acceptable to be different.

Take her for a drive in a run down area. Let her see how lucky she is. Stuff does not make you happy, I thought kids wanted to save the planet.

@Ddot

Take her for a drive in a run down area. Let her see how lucky she is. Stuff does not make you happy, I thought kids wanted to save the planet.

Omg

Please don't do this.

Take her for a drive in a run down area. Let her see how lucky she is

Yes poverty tourism, a wonderful thing to teach a child. Look at all the poor people! 🙈

Look at all the poor people with their big TV’s, flashy phones and Disney towels.

That will help her fit in. What did you do at the weekend? We drove round to look at the poor people.
Surely there must be a zoo somewhere where you can see poor people up close?

Take her for a drive in a run down area. Let her see how lucky she is. Stuff does not make you happy,

What exactly is she meant to see on this poor person's safari tour?
If stuff doesn't make you happy what is she going to learn from this trip?

Because the deprived areas I've lived and worked in certainly had less stuff in terms of fancy cars and large gardens.

But there were plenty of TVs, Disney clothing, and mobile phones.

More deprived less have less public space but play parks are just commercial stuff yes? Same with libraries, books are just stuff?

Poorer communities have as much stuff, they just have less high value stuff. There is as much emphasis on family and friendship as in any other area.
I honestly can't really express how cross this comment made me.

Sorry but I'm from such a place and the way you are all saying just buy her what she wants annoys me.

Have you ever seen poor house rich house, same bloody thing

Never mentioned family and friendship, just wanted her to realise that life is different for everyone. Their is always someone richer than you, money wise but not family wise. Sorry but I do the rich tourism quite often Haha

I would be in round the same thinking as you!

My thoughts are, you don't need to "fit in". Why can't we teach our kids to appreciate what they have or give them value to their surroundings and what they DO HAVE, rather than material things. We aren't well off but we arent poor. If my kids come home complaining about what someone else has that they don't, they'll be quickly reminded that you are not them and they are not you.
I don't fill emotional/material wants with things that others have. I think too many parents are teaching kids to fit in rather than developing encouraging their own sense of what value really is. My friends asked his mum for an iPhone, and his parents got it for him, I want an iPhone too- not gona happen buddy!

Yes, they're just kids but this is a prime time to teach, do not give in to peer/societies pressure.

@Forsure69

I would be in round the same thinking as you!

My thoughts are, you don't need to "fit in". Why can't we teach our kids to appreciate what they have or give them value to their surroundings and what they DO HAVE, rather than material things. We aren't well off but we arent poor. If my kids come home complaining about what someone else has that they don't, they'll be quickly reminded that you are not them and they are not you.
I don't fill emotional/material wants with things that others have. I think too many parents are teaching kids to fit in rather than developing encouraging their own sense of what value really is. My friends asked his mum for an iPhone, and his parents got it for him, I want an iPhone too- not gona happen buddy!

Yes, they're just kids but this is a prime time to teach, do not give in to peer/societies pressure.

Wow.

My friend had a pair of Stan smiths on the other day. I thought they were really nice so I've asked for a pair for Xmas. I'm 55. Surely we often see things we like when other people have them? I don't want to actually BE my friend, just liked the trainers.

Yes but my generation are being blamed for ruining the planet, when I was young we had nowt but having said that we all had nowt. School clothes, playing out stuff, and best. One of each exception two school shirts. One pair of school shoes and some plimsoles. We ate what was put in front of us then went out to play. NO car, no technology, till the microwave came along. We all need to realise that stuff is just stuff

I'm not a fan of purposely making childhood uncomfortable to encourage adult resilience. It's not a guaranteed result after all, you could just be driving them into rampant consumerism as soon as they can earn their own money and escape parental rules.

There's a happy medium between iPhones and character towels.