DC feels aggrieved because school friends have ‘more’

[Foolsrule]

A bit of a strange one. We live in a nice house in a nice area. DC attend a school with a mixed catchment and have friends from a range of backgrounds. Eldest DC is under the impression that we are poor as we don’t have a huge wide screen TV, she doesn’t have her own phone and I send her to school swimming with a plain John Lewis towel as opposed to a branded/themed Disney one. She seems envious of her friends who seem to have a lot of ‘stuff’ on a daily basis, but don’t have the holidays, the range of out of school activities etc. and opportunities she has. I have explained that different families do things differently, we place value on different things but neither way is right or wrong, and she still seems to feel hard done by. Some of it might be about fitting in? Any ideas, anyone?

People can have their preferences for what they want to do with their lives, and kids are going to find those preferences as they grow up. If both my child and I don’t have the money for the towel then he can’t get it. If there is some money he has saved up, then if he really wants to fit in, then he can do it (provided it’s not something I deem offensive or dangerous - I’d be less keen on him getting a toy knife or gun) - but it will be at the opportunity cost of something else he likes. I guess I wouldn’t want to encourage him to do it, but I wouldn’t ban him either.

@Namenic

People can have their preferences for what they want to do with their lives, and kids are going to find those preferences as they grow up. If both my child and I don’t have the money for the towel then he can’t get it. If there is some money he has saved up, then if he really wants to fit in, then he can do it (provided it’s not something I deem offensive or dangerous - I’d be less keen on him getting a toy knife or gun) - but it will be at the opportunity cost of something else he likes. I guess I wouldn’t want to encourage him to do it, but I wouldn’t ban him either.

The OP had money for the towel of the child's choice. The John Lewis towel would have been more expensive than a Disney towel.

Nerrsnerr- for swimming we would use a specific quick dry towel that has already been purchased (as has the John Lewis towel). If my son wants something extra which gives no practical advantage, then he can buy it with his pocket/birthday money.

Or, lives 500 miles away, doesn't see her often, and buys the kind of gift most girls of her age would appreciate.

But doesn't give a shit if that gift isn't appropriate or wanted.

Many years ago, a 9 year old kid in my class memorably defined 'poor' as ' someone who maybe can't afford horses?'

She went on to train as a teacher and has taught over 20 years in some of the most deprived areas of London.University opened her eyes.

She’s 11… her brain does not compute with the same rationale as yours. Kids that age are very conscious of small things and they are a huge deal to them

I think a lot can be fixed by giving the child a choice- DS needed a new lunch box so we had a look at which one he'd like (within reasonable budget). But he picked it and he's really happy with it and happy to pick it as well.

@Driposaurus

When I was a kid the cool kids brought their home ec or PE stuff in a river island carrier bag.

We had an Asda one.

When I had enough money to buy something from River Island I was more excited about the bag than what I bought.

It’s about fitting in… but you need to pick which battles.

I can totally relate to the River Island carrier bag. How long ago was that? 1997? God I feel so old now.

I'm on the buy the kid a Disney towel logic. My eldest has my old swim towel. LO uses an outgrown hand me down.

Part of my logic is if they leave it behind its a cheap towel and calling lost property its, easier to track down a lost Cinderella towel than a lost plain white JL number.

Kids want to be the same as their pals and this is a prime reason why school uniform is important it avoids the crazy pressure for branded clothing. I'm not saying it should ruled the way it is in some schools but a basic uniform must make life easier than having a same but different non-uniform.

PreparationPreparationPrep
@MultiStorey So what though?
Are you asking so what if OP is a humble brag
Or so what if I agree with @5128gap post?

So what if the OP has deliberately made choices that indicate social status? Is she not allowed to?

Of course OP can make whatever choices she likes don't think anyone is saying otherwise and certainly not me. - but I think PP was referring to the humble brag which I agreed with and that this thread really is the MC v WC but if you think it's sincere that's fine too. -

You could always buy the Disney towel from JL They sell them.

https://www.johnlewis.com/disney-frozen-cotton-towel-bale-blue/p5779666?sku=240065690&sppc=2dx92700066803508511&tmad=c&tmcampid=2&gclid=Cj0KCQiAhMOMBhDhARIsAPVml-Gb2IsCHm8JvZKMNjjIrEA2SxYh8ILWKn5nqREZ8hSwug4CBbB2lIaAg61EALwwwcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

@Namenic

Sometimes you can’t help being the odd one out - I’m ethnic minority. Plus different culture - so our home lives were different from my classmates. My mixed kids are sort of white-passing. I was quite disturbed when the 7 year old said that he wanted to be seen as white in U.K. and my ethnicity in my home country. I can understand the desire, but I don’t think I’d want to encourage it. I’d want him to know he is mixed (can have some medical implications) and be fine with it and happy about why we do things differently at home.

I agree with you there. (Similar issues here)

I’ve also noticed that the OP mentioned having lived abroad which will have an impact on her dd and her ability ‘to fit in’ too.

If she happily went to swimming lessons then I'd do anything I could to encourage that, including buying her a groovy towel.

Tbh this thread is eye opening.

It just shows how there is no way someone who can’t fit in (due to culture difference, skin colour etc…) will never be able to fit in within the community. Because that person is supposed to do things ‘the right way’ down to buying the ‘right towel’ or the ‘right phone’ when really who the fuck cares about what sort of towels you use?!?

Posters seem to be so preoccupied by a Disney towel and how important it is to signal that you belong that they seem to have forgotten that really it doesn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter and they should be able to accept people like they are rather than on looks/appearance/clothes/brand. No wonder this little girl is struggling if that’s what parents teach their dcs tbh.

Of course it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. When my kids were young enough to do sports clubs I was happy to buy them nice stuff that they enjoyed using. It just wouldn't have occurred to me to judge them for wanting a particular towel 🤷🏼‍♀️

@TeachesOfPeaches

This is definitely a middle class sneering at working class thread. Bore off.

It does come across like that. And I'm as middle class as they come.

I'm actually amazed that there are parents who wouldn't let their dcs choose the kind of towel they want. It seems hugely controlling and really silly. It's nice for them to choose things and a towel is such a small deal, particularly as others have said they are cheap in Primark!

Imagine getting a towel for Christmas!

@ErmineAndPearls

Imagine getting a towel for Christmas!

It would be a stocking present here.

But I'd have bought one long before this, dd would have come with me and chosen it, even if it was horrible!

@PerfectlyUnsuitable your missing the point kids want fit in have the same as the rest.
Her pals all have a kids multi coloured kids towel, available from loads of places, she wants the same she doesn't want a boring adult plain towel.
You can picture the conversation who's on your towel, Ariel, Tanya, Belle, whoever hmm I've just got mums boring one.

@PerfectlyUnsuitable

Tbh this thread is eye opening.

It just shows how there is no way someone who can’t fit in (due to culture difference, skin colour etc…) will never be able to fit in within the community. Because that person is supposed to do things ‘the right way’ down to buying the ‘right towel’ or the ‘right phone’ when really who the fuck cares about what sort of towels you use?!?

Posters seem to be so preoccupied by a Disney towel and how important it is to signal that you belong that they seem to have forgotten that really it doesn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter and they should be able to accept people like they are rather than on looks/appearance/clothes/brand. No wonder this little girl is struggling if that’s what parents teach their dcs tbh.

You have spectacularly missed the point .It is the little girl that cares about it . That's all . No parents are standing there pointing at a plain towel 🙄

@ErmineAndPearls

Imagine getting a towel for Christmas!

I'd give one as a wee extra just something else to open. Do people not give practical gifts?

While I initially said I'd get one for Christmas I actually think I'd let her get it sooner depending on how long her swim lessons will last, ie no point in waiting until Christmas if the swim classes with school end then.