Friend told me it will not get any easier

[CarouselRide738]

I am struggling a bit at the moment being a full time mum to my very very headstrong 16 month old. I run my own company but business dried up due to Covid and so once we came out of lockdown and maternity leave ended we had to make a choice about childcare and for the moment it's me looking after him full time. My partner works till quite late, thankfully managing to make it home for bathtime a couple of times a week but otherwise it's me with my rambunctious boy from wake up till bed. I've found it tough perhaps being 40, or a new mum during Covid, or all of the above!

Anyway I'm shattered and I found myself saying to my friends that in some ways I can't wait until my son is school age. I don't want to wish our lives away so I hate saying it, but I'm exhausted and have zero time for myself. My health has suffered and I've lost myself. I used to be fit before I got pregnant but now as he's a real handful I can't do any exercise or working out at all during the week. I miss this time for myself. It's also tough at my son's age because when he's been ill or having a tantrum he hasn't got the language to communicate yet. I feel like it will be a tiny bit easier once he can articulate stuff, like what's hurting.

So I basically suggested to my friend that I felt it might be a tiny bit easier once he turns 5. To be clear, in no way do I think it's easy parenting a 5 year old or any age! I worked with teenagers so I know that's going to be really tough as well! But surely you do get a little bit more headspace once they can go to the loo by themselves, talk to you, and attend school?

My friend said I was wrong to think it will feel any easier as he gets older, and it's not at all easier parenting a 5 year old versus a toddler. She has a 5 year old, but her little girl is really chilled and also goes to school. I know my friend works out at the gym every morning. I'm not saying in anyway it's easy for her - I know it isn't, and just because her girl seems chilled around me it doesn't make it easy - but I felt really despondent when she said things wouldn't get any easier for me.

Please tell me I will find more headspace and a little bit more time for myself once my toddler gets older? Especially as a full time mum, surely this will change? If it doesn't I honestly don't know if I can do it.

Every age has its challenges but I think by 5 it is easier because the child feels a little bit more in control, has more structure, more outside life with friends. Usually children sleep better so you sleep better. Your friend can go to the gym whilst her child is in school how is that not easier than all day every day with a toddler?

@Yusanaim

I don't like small children being called rambunctious / advanced/ mature/ demanding as if the child is difficult and you are the skilled parent struggling, because of it, when most probably the child is average and normal and you didn't know what you were letting yourself in for or you don't like the demands on your time. Labelling a child at 18 months or thereabouts isn't fair imv (unless you are someone who works with this age group, even then there can be reasons other than temperament).

Your post is deeply deeply unfair and also rather unkind. I have not labelled my son's personality. I have described his behaviour at present. I have never wished him to change at all - I love him for his determination, strong will and confidence. But it is hard parenting, as it is for any 16 month old.

To suggest I am displeased with the inconvenience of looking after a toddler is deeply unfair. We chose to bring him into this world, he never asked to be born, and therefore I am never ever impatient with him and I never feel any resentment towards him whatsoever. He's a healthy boy doing what toddlers do. The circumstances mean I never get a moment though, and that is incredibly tough. To say I didn't know what I was letting myself in for is a crass comment for you to make at best, and unempathetic and unkind at worst.....

Surely none of us are prepared for the realities of toddlerhood / parenting really? 🤷‍♀️ I waited till I was 40 and read extensively to try and prepare, but really, does any mum know what they are "letting themselves in for"? What a silly comment.

Your post reads like someone who hasn't actually ever experienced this, or who has blocked out and forgotten the realities of raising a toddler.

OP here just to say thank you thank you thank you. This thread is why Mumsnet is such a great resource. I have been feeling so isolated and just to read that I am not alone / going mad in finding this stage a struggle is so helpful. @BabyBunnyMama and others have pinpointed exactly how I feel / how it feels to many of us mums. Thank you.

I am at a junction where I feel I can't go on as I am. The pp who suggested I need to sort out childcare was right. Whilst I don't have a business income I need that headspace and a small bit of time to get it up and running again and also find me again. I'm looking for a nanny for just one day per week. We have a couple of interested candidates through an agency. We can only afford one day but this could still really help. There were no part time nursery places or childminders and we missed out due to Covid but hopefully a nanny for a day could be great for our son and for me.

To the pp who asked, my friend goes to gym when her daughter is dropped off at school and works from home after that.

I also joined a pool with a crèche. I took son there twice, for an hour. First time he was fine, second time he got upset and they had to call me. It was horrible. He hasn't been back due to having a cold but I'm nervous about it.

It's a contradiction because I'm crying out for a bit of time for me but at the same time my heart breaks handing him over to someone else and the standard of. Gold are we've viewed has been terrible and expensive (London). Due to Covid no-one else has ever cared for him. We had no support bubble and no family close by except my sister who has no experience with kids and has only met him twice due to bloody Covid. Not even had a health visit. Pregnancy, birth and first 10 months were all in lockdowns so it's a change.

I've started attending things like soft play and trying to get out more.

My husband and I haven't been out for a date or even a lunch by ourselves since February 2020. I can't see how we are going to do this, though our previously strong relationship has suffered with resentment at times since having baby and we need to have quality time together. How can I leave my baby sleeping with someone else in our home - what if he wakes up and we are out? We don't have family around. How do people do this if there no loving grandparents to ask? Can anyone advise how we get to the stage of being able to go out by ourselves one day or evening?

Sorry for the ramble.

@CarouselRide738 Ah sending you lots of hugs! It is tough and you are definitely not alone on how you are feeling. I hope the nanny works out for you and you manage to get that day a week at least to yourself! As for finding time as a couple, it is tough. We do have my parents that take our DD one night a month, but aside from that we very rarely get much time out and alone. We do sometimes get a fancier takeaway and sit in the kitchen with no screens and just have a good old chat now and then when little one is in bed, but aside from that she is with us if we go anywhere in the evenings and we've just accepted that's how it's going to be for now and we will get our time together again in the future.

I am also one of those mums who would love a break but hates handing her little one over so I can relate! Hopefully with the nanny having him he will get used to a little bit of time away from you and maybe settle easier at the creche next time if you do decide to go back! My DD started nursery twice a week at his age so I could work and it did take a while of going before she settled.

Do you have any mums and tots groups you could go to in the day to maybe help with feeling so isolated? You might find being able to have a good chat with mums with babies similar ages helps too! 😊

Oh it gets LOADS easier in my experience.

I only have 1 as I had PND and DD was an unsettled baby so really struggled as a new mum. And we're happy as a 3.

My daughter is 8 now and life is very calm and easy most of the time.

It's basically gotten easier day by day.

Of course there are always ups and downs and different worries. But the older she gets the easier she is to talk to about things and do things with.

@Yusanaim

I don't like small children being called rambunctious / advanced/ mature/ demanding as if the child is difficult and you are the skilled parent struggling, because of it, when most probably the child is average and normal and you didn't know what you were letting yourself in for or you don't like the demands on your time. Labelling a child at 18 months or thereabouts isn't fair imv (unless you are someone who works with this age group, even then there can be reasons other than temperament).

Other than judging and not liking the description anyone previously has used of toddlers, which part of your post was at all useful to the OP or any of the other posters?

I have a 16 month old, Also have a 5 year old, so yes I knew exactly what I was letting myself in for and would still describe the baby as demanding and an absolute nuisance at times - that's not a label, its a description of how he is behaving in a particular moment and how I feel about it, just because I decided to have children does not mean I have to enjoy every last second of it.

@CarouselRide738 Ds2 here is the same age as yours, I work FT so he's in nursery 5 days a week but if you do find a nanny or a PT nursery/Childminder this is when you make your dates, DH and I have both booked the 1st December off work, DS's will be dropped at school and nursery and we will get the next train to a local city, spend the day shopping and eating together, train home for the 3pm school collection. No its not drinks and dinner, but it's nice to remember we were people before kids.

Each stage gets easier in some ways and harder in others.

They become mobile - you don't have to carry them so much
They start talking - you know what they want

Also
They become mobile - they run in every direction away from you
They start talking - and never shut up

@Yusanaim as the official arbitrator of this parenting forum, at what age are we allowed to start talking about our DC and what are the accepted terms? My DS is 9 but I haven't worked with that age group, so I have no idea whether he has formed a personality yet or whether I would just be labelling him He would describe himself as Always Right and on the Robux breadline, but I'm unsure whether this is just a symptom of my failure to prepare for his birth.

JesusInTheCabbageVan Robux breadline

I have a 5 year old, 2.5 year old and a just turned 1 year old. The 5 year old is far and away the easiest (and she wasn’t an easy toddler!) 2.5 year old DS is actually a fair bit easier than he was a year ago. The 1 year old is entering a more tricky phase now. Of course there are challenges at different ages but the relentless of the toddler stage for me has been the hardest thing by far.

It gets easier. There are new and different challenges, sure, but the things that you are finding difficult definitely do get easier. I guess if you had a really chilled baby/toddler at home then the move to school with a schedule, having to be in the right place at the right time, having to have the correct clothing and kit, remembering the £1 for no uniform day etc etc could be a step up on the stress but in reality I don’t know many people who it was like that for and it certainly got easier for me.

As if to taunt me for being on this thread earlier saying that of course it gets loads easier: today I've been looking after my 3.5 year old, my friend's 18 month old and my 9 month old and my preschooler has been an absolute pain and really hard work and the two little ones have been no trouble at all!

So we have no loving or frankly capable grandparents around so as a result DH and I haven’t had a date night or anything like that since sept 2019. So we might not go out on date nights per se but there are things we do to make sure we have time for just us. What helped was really getting dd into a fixed night time routine and bed time and stopping wfh in the evening after bed. Sometimes we will have a snack with dd at tea time and then have a nice meal the two of us later and pop on a film, etc. Probably sounds a bit shit reading it but it’s helped us.

Nursery too! We send dd 3 days a week and as a result she’s incredibly sociable now

Yes it does get somewhat easier when they aren’t around for 6 hours a day, 5 days a week . I did find 7 quite a tricky age personally, not sure why but all 3 of mine who have passed that age were real terrors at 7. I have no doubt teenagers are far more difficult than toddlers.

I have a 15 month old atm so another lockdown baby and I totally sympathise with you- it hasn’t been easy. It’s great that groups have opened up though, I find it easier to cope when we can get out of the house.

@CarouselRide738

anyone having had a pg and a baby in lockdown had it way way harder than usual by default. you have my sympathy.

you asked about baby left with others in your house so you can go out: you will have picked a qualified person who knows what to do so you don't need to worry, they know what to do and your child will be well looked after.
The best thing to do is build up a connection between them & your kid. arrange a schedule that builds up to them being left alone during the day first, then during the night.

You and your DH need time together alone.
you can definitely do it

I have a spirited/headstrong/stubborn son and it got harder and harder until he was 5 when he chilled out a lot. 4 was the worst, I didn’t think I could take anymore but it definitely got easier.

It is easier when they are more independent anyway, when they don’t need their food cut up and can go to the toilet on their own. Your friend’s experience isn’t comparable to yours.