Friend told me it will not get any easier

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I am struggling a bit at the moment being a full time mum to my very very headstrong 16 month old. I run my own company but business dried up due to Covid and so once we came out of lockdown and maternity leave ended we had to make a choice about childcare and for the moment it's me looking after him full time. My partner works till quite late, thankfully managing to make it home for bathtime a couple of times a week but otherwise it's me with my rambunctious boy from wake up till bed. I've found it tough perhaps being 40, or a new mum during Covid, or all of the above!

Anyway I'm shattered and I found myself saying to my friends that in some ways I can't wait until my son is school age. I don't want to wish our lives away so I hate saying it, but I'm exhausted and have zero time for myself. My health has suffered and I've lost myself. I used to be fit before I got pregnant but now as he's a real handful I can't do any exercise or working out at all during the week. I miss this time for myself. It's also tough at my son's age because when he's been ill or having a tantrum he hasn't got the language to communicate yet. I feel like it will be a tiny bit easier once he can articulate stuff, like what's hurting.

So I basically suggested to my friend that I felt it might be a tiny bit easier once he turns 5. To be clear, in no way do I think it's easy parenting a 5 year old or any age! I worked with teenagers so I know that's going to be really tough as well! But surely you do get a little bit more headspace once they can go to the loo by themselves, talk to you, and attend school?

My friend said I was wrong to think it will feel any easier as he gets older, and it's not at all easier parenting a 5 year old versus a toddler. She has a 5 year old, but her little girl is really chilled and also goes to school. I know my friend works out at the gym every morning. I'm not saying in anyway it's easy for her - I know it isn't, and just because her girl seems chilled around me it doesn't make it easy - but I felt really despondent when she said things wouldn't get any easier for me.

Please tell me I will find more headspace and a little bit more time for myself once my toddler gets older? Especially as a full time mum, surely this will change? If it doesn't I honestly don't know if I can do it.

I have 4DC aged 4-11, the 4yr old is in nursery for 3 hours every afternoon.
I've just sat down at the table to paint.
You need to prioritise it, but me time is possible when they get older.

Good grief she absolutely could not be more wrong.

It's MUCH easier when they go to school and don't need you to wipe their bum, and easier again when they can be let fix their own breakfast and watch cartoons on a Sunday morning without dragging you out of bed

You need better friends op.

There are different challenges as your kids age, but it absolutely gets easier. Nothing compares to the all out exhaustion of situations that require your attention every single minute. So the very early years, sometimes later years with a special needs child, and short bursts during severe illness or injury are the hardest on you because that kind of all out physical and mental attention is just hard on the human body and brain. I’ll take the stress of balancing school runs, homework, and playground drama or an angsty teen pushing boundaries over making sure a 2 year old doesn’t strangle himself any day.

OP it DOES get easier. Much easier.

To be honest, when my 2 were around 7 and 5 I was one smug mother. I had confident, interested-in-life small people, who were just so happy about most stuff. Interested in school etc. And yes.....that first silent coffee after school drop off was bliss.

Things can get hectic with school 'admin' abd school events etc but they say to say sheer grind and loneliness does ease.

My smugness wore off big time in Secondary school. My confident children became anxious teens, although my dd is coming out of this at 17. My DS is 14 and sleeps all the time when he's not eating....and I barely get a word out of him. Sometimes I miss the 'excited' little boy he was, but I don't miss the exhaustion. I'm hoping the grunting phase will pass soon.

Don't listen to your friend OP. She's talking rubbish.

Say to say?

*day to day

It’s different for everyone, I’ve found my kids have got harder as they’ve got older but then I never struggled with the baby/ newborn stage

It does get easier in lots of ways, but I also find I worry more as they get older, in terms of education, friends, emotional well-being. My dc is 10 and it's a fab age! I'm not under any illusion that the teenage years will be easy though 😭

I remember a friend once telling me that she always thought she'd go back to work once her children were in school, but then when they started school she realised that they needed her more than ever.

Ha! I always thought I'd go back to FT when DS went to school, but I haven't because I've realised how much I like having 2 days to myself every week! Just own it I say, no need to pretend the DC need us at home when they are in school all day.

It does get easier. There are other challenges of course, even for the most chilled out, well adapted clever kids...but little by little as their independence grows you can carve bits of you back in your life.

That makes handling the new challenges that much easier than the 24/7 rollercoaster that is a toddler who understands well enough to tantrum but not well enough to communicate.

Before you know it, you'll have a teenager that occasionally emerges from their room and you'll be the one that wants their time and affection, and desperately trying to find the balance that doesn't annoy them but makes them understand they're loved and you are a safe person in their lives.

Easier but now pre-teens are hard
Different challenges

I have a 2.5 year old and 14 month old so can’t comment on whether it gets easier as they get older. However I wanted to comment and say my older child started going to nursery 2 mornings a week from the age of 2 and it’s been brilliant for all of us so could be worth considering if it’s within your means.

I agree that it definitely gets easier - my 3.5 year old is so much easier than he was at 16 months, and also so much more rewarding. But the specific example you've chosen - her going to the gym - doesn't seem to be anything to do with the children's ages (she presumably isn't leaving her five year old alone?!) and more that she has a partner who is able to look after the child while she's at the gym?

Ha! I always thought I'd go back to FT when DS went to school, but I haven't because I've realised how much I like having 2 days to myself every week! Just own it I say, no need to pretend the DC need us at home when they are in school all day.

Well, I've still got a toddler at home all day and a preschooler at home two days a week but I definitely feel that my 7 year old needs me come 3pm. I'm really glad she doesn't have to go to after school care and so is she. I suppose that's what my friend was referring to (though her kids were nearly teens by then and I guess that brings a whole other load of complexity).

Dont listen to her OP. It gets way easier when they are at school. You have 6 hours a day to yourself, very little homework and you know where they are. It goes to shit again when they are teenagers though!

Oh it gets easier, your friend is mean!

Mine are only 5 and 3, still little and my god it's easier than when they were babies. And my eldest has SEN, she's autistic. It's still easier by a country mile.

I am waiting in anticipation for these older child things to happen like being able to bathe themselves, and get food themselves.. the joy!

The PP that said 'parenting a toddler is gruesome' made me laugh, it's true! Babies and toddlers are bloody relentless and I do not miss those days at all. Someone asked me the other day if it was 'time for another one?' and I very rudely spluttered 'FUCK no!'

Yes it 100% gets easier! DD is 2.5 now, they get so much more flexible and resilient and they can TELL YOU WHAT THEY WANT! It's amazing!

...Of course you won't always give them what they want which might result in a tantrum but at least you know WTF they're inconsolable about.

Plus look into the 15 free childcare hours and see if you'd be eligible at 2 or 3. That will be game changing for getting more you-time and isn't that far away now.

Not for everyone it does’nt, she is right.

I know all children are different and things will change at anytime but my DC1 has been a dream to look after since she was about 2.5 (now 5), DC2 (18 months) is challenging so I feel the same that I’m just getting through it till things get easier!

The only thing I’d say is the challenges change, physically it’s gets so much easier as they grow out of being toddlers but then the emotional side gets much trickier.

I've got a 4 year old and a 15 month old. My GOD my 4 year old is so much easier. Obviously all kids are different and have different challenges, but I also find myself counting down the days until she's a little bit older.

Shes talking shit.5 yr olds are much more manageable than toddlers genwrally

I've also noticed parents i know where their youngest is 3+ seem much happier than the ones who have a younger one than that who seem more tired! I'm learning that I'm much better equipped to deal with emotional talking through stuff side than the daily grind and relentlessness a toddler brings!

Ime it certainly doesn't get harder! But only at 4 so far so a way to go.

Their concentration improves, they become better at communicating their needs and they become more self-sufficient and better company. My 4yo is excellent company and I enjoy spending time with them whereas I found 16 months more wearing.

This is somewhat offset by 3 factors:

• you lose the nap(s). I find not having 'time off' in the day on non-nursery days/ weekends quite wearing. Definitely use the free hours once your DC turns 3 if you can!
• school is much more stressful than nursery if you're working. Not an issue for you if DC not in nursery but nurseries are set up for working parents and schools... aren't.
• they talk non-stop and want constant attention and interaction as they get older . Though this may be specific to my DC . 16 month DC would play for ages with a cardboard box and most of my role was saying 'no' and diverting them from doing dangerous things. 4yo DC wants to play make-believe and teddy tea parties with me constantly and never shuts up! I am informed that this tapers off at 6-7 as they become better at independent play.

I think the toddler years are physically more exhausting but the older age group is more mentally exhausting I guess? My 2.5 year old is still physically exhausting but then it still comes with the mental exhaustion as well because you worry about boundaries, you worry about language development, you worry if he has met his milestones or he is getting enough nutrients and you worry over things where they can't communicate with you in detail.

My DS has always been high needs demanding baby and still is and he is the main reason why I stopped wanting to have a second because I physically and mentally cannot go through that again. The messy eating, the mess they make in general, sticky fingers, the destruction they cause to your home on top of all things I have mentioned and pp so fuck that but DS at 16 months was literally like a bull in a China shop but now he just throws himself onto the floor if he doesn't get his way so there's less destruction compared to last year :)

I have 3 kids aged 9, 5 and 2. Parenting a 5 and 9 year old is different as they have different needs but physically it’s much less tiring. Toddlers are demanding. They want to explore the world but you need to be watching them constantly to keep them safe. Add in Covid and all the lack oft baby and toddlers groups it’s much harder. My toddler is the easiest in the sense he doesn’t answer back or argue with me when I tell him to go to bed or eat dinner etc but he is the most physically demanding. The other 2 go to school though we do actives after school they are more self sufficient. They dress themselves, walk to the car themselves, eat without making a huge mess and are happy to entertain themselves for a while in there rooms.

Your friend is wrong. The baby and toddler stages are so, so hard. I found the teenage years considerably easier than that! And once they're at school you get a break and a chance to do something different, which really helps.

My DDs both had difficult stages and to be fair I found 4 (with both of them, 6 (DD1), 9 (DD2) and then the dreaded Year 9 when they're 13/14 hard, but out of all of it 4 was the hardest, then the toddler and baby years.