Friend told me it will not get any easier

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I am struggling a bit at the moment being a full time mum to my very very headstrong 16 month old. I run my own company but business dried up due to Covid and so once we came out of lockdown and maternity leave ended we had to make a choice about childcare and for the moment it's me looking after him full time. My partner works till quite late, thankfully managing to make it home for bathtime a couple of times a week but otherwise it's me with my rambunctious boy from wake up till bed. I've found it tough perhaps being 40, or a new mum during Covid, or all of the above!

Anyway I'm shattered and I found myself saying to my friends that in some ways I can't wait until my son is school age. I don't want to wish our lives away so I hate saying it, but I'm exhausted and have zero time for myself. My health has suffered and I've lost myself. I used to be fit before I got pregnant but now as he's a real handful I can't do any exercise or working out at all during the week. I miss this time for myself. It's also tough at my son's age because when he's been ill or having a tantrum he hasn't got the language to communicate yet. I feel like it will be a tiny bit easier once he can articulate stuff, like what's hurting.

So I basically suggested to my friend that I felt it might be a tiny bit easier once he turns 5. To be clear, in no way do I think it's easy parenting a 5 year old or any age! I worked with teenagers so I know that's going to be really tough as well! But surely you do get a little bit more headspace once they can go to the loo by themselves, talk to you, and attend school?

My friend said I was wrong to think it will feel any easier as he gets older, and it's not at all easier parenting a 5 year old versus a toddler. She has a 5 year old, but her little girl is really chilled and also goes to school. I know my friend works out at the gym every morning. I'm not saying in anyway it's easy for her - I know it isn't, and just because her girl seems chilled around me it doesn't make it easy - but I felt really despondent when she said things wouldn't get any easier for me.

Please tell me I will find more headspace and a little bit more time for myself once my toddler gets older? Especially as a full time mum, surely this will change? If it doesn't I honestly don't know if I can do it.

Get a job, my job, and put him in nursery.
You need some ‘you’ time, and he will enjoy socialising with the other kids.

It DEFINITELY gets easier as they get older, and when you get some time back to yourself. The first 2-3 years are full on. Just be kind to yourself and snatch some ‘me time’ whenever you can. Those 2 evenings a week when your partner gets home earlier, can you go off for a walk or run?

@GoodnightGrandma

Get a job, my job, and put him in nursery. You need some ‘you’ time, and he will enjoy socialising with the other kids.

* any job

It will be easier. I think even two is easier than under two. Wont you get some free childcare when he's three if you get a job for so many hours a week. It might be worth looking into that.

Everything seemed easier when everyone in the house could wipe their own bums.

Your friend heard "you go to the gym because you have it easier than me," so she was being defensive, I'd let it go as you weren't exactly kind or sensitive either.

It gets easier in some ways and harder in others, but you don't just have to wait it out. Your DC can be taken along to fitness classes and meeting friends, it's a good age to just fit in around you and they (probably) still nap. Look at the good sides and don't be scared to do things that work for you. I was lucky to have my first when a lot of friends had their second, I could see their children didn't suffer by waiting when their siblings needed things and your DC won't suffer if he has to potter around with a wooden spoon while mummy does some yoga or bakes a cake.

Good luck, it will get easier and you can also make it easier by cutting yourself some slack!

I think 16 months is a tough stage. In a year's time you'll be able to actively play with them a lot more and, although you get the two year old challenges, they start to become proper company.
Just now, anything you do together has a concentration span of about three minutes!
My DD was 2 when lockdown started and it was horrendous balancing with work. Now she is 4 and when she's at home the odd day it is sooo much easier. Shell sit and colour or do a jigsaw. The difference is very obvious in stress levels

Of course it's easier. They fo to school, and even if you are working in the hours they are at school, you're getting getting break from being a mum. They can do stuff like watch TV, read, play, go in the garden, go to clubs. Without you.

Dobt be disheartened. I have 2 both just at primary still hard but atm I'm taking a break at work for lunch and it's quiet -bliss!

I have a 7 year old (and a baby) - you're friend is wrong! Every age brings its own challenges, but there is nothing like the relentlessness of a toddler. Dd1 was a very challenging toddler- terrible sleeper and always on the move. It considerably easier when she was 3 and a half.

Are you in the UK? If so, you'll be able to get some free nursery hours when your child is 3.

Mine are 9 and almost 6 now and whilst you have new challenges (fall outs with friends, fears over what they're watching, hearing etc) I find it about 400,0000,00000,00000 times easier than 16 months! They can go to the loo themselves, they can get their own drinks, they can buckle themselves into the car seat, they help bring shopping in, they do laundry, make beds, clean rooms etc.

This - mine are a little older and I was just thinking last night that, oh my goodness it's so much easier when they get themselves into and out of the car, make their own breakfast (including microwaving stuff if they want hot food), get themselves showered/bathed at night, pack their own school bags, choose their own outfits and dress themselves...!

Of course there are all sorts of different worries and stresses but that utter grind is far reduced. We get in from work/school and they slob on their tablets in their rooms for a bit and I can sit with a coffee and read or listen to the radio while tea is cooking.

I have DD a similar age. Literally every parent of children older than mine that I know have said that it gets easier, so I’m going to believe them!

Or rather the specific things that are hard at this age will get easier I think/ hope.
Not saying that it will suddenly all be easy but at some point I’m presuming she’ll start to play by herself for even 5 minutes at a time thus allowing me to go to the loo by myself without having to listen to a screaming meltdown downstairs or carry her up and take her with me, just as an example.
Presumably also I’ll be able to cook a meal without her clinging to my legs and perhaps she won’t throw anything she’s decided she doesn’t like the look of that day directly on the floor. Once nappies are no longer a thing maybe that will be easier, just like it got a bit easier when I stopped having to worry about sterilising bottles for example.

You definitely need and deserve some time to yourself though. Your partner working such long hours - is that absolutely necessary and non-negotiable? Is he taking over bath time and bedtime on those two days he does get back so you can do
Whatever you need in peace? Does he give you a lie in at the weekend? Once little one is in bed is there a class you could go to or a
gym/ pool still open whilst your partner is home - I go to yoga one night a week at 7.30pm. In theory DD should be in bed, but even if she’s not I go to yoga and DH is in charge at home. He also takes over one weekend morning a week so I can either lie in or have a bath or go for a walk or maybe he takes DD out and I can watch tv for an hour or just whatever it is that you need.

Can your DS go to nursery or a childminder even a couple of mornings/ afternoons? Would your work/business be something you could start to pick up again now? I send DD to a childminder one day a week (she also goes to family one half day if I need it for work but this will be changing to childminder too) - some weeks I have enough freelance work to fill that whole time plus need to do evenings arm weekends too, others I’m just about covering the £40 a week childcare money (but we both pay that, not just me if that makes sense?) - but that bit of space and feeling like I’m doing something as well as being a SAHM has definitely given me a boost. Is that something you could consider - not sure what kind of work/business you did whether it would lend itself to that, and of course you might very much want to be a fully SAHM, but just throwing it out there.

Honestly.
It's tuff I reckon from about 6 months to 2 5/3. It's relentless. Once they can talk, walk, eat and be taken to playgroup /nursery and left for a few hours it gets better.
I had totally forgotten this til the arrival of my grand daughter!

You're in the trenches right now. Your dc has a sense of their own agency but is still utterly dependent on you. It should definitely get easier in terms of what you mentioned - 1. Time 2. Communication/emotional self management. Don't despair, but see if there's anything you can put in place now to have a bit of time to yourself.

Every age probably has its hard parts… but at 5 he will be at school for a large chunk of the day.

Even if you’re working you’ll at least be able to eat lunch in peace .

it's definitely easier when they can

• reach the highest shelf and hand you stuff

• get dressed, clean own teeth & own bum,
• make a cuppa & sandwich for you
• pop to the shops
• do chores
• lend you a fiver
• travel independently to school or wherever

when you can leave them alone, you have no more nappies, milk bottles, cots, pushchairs etc

when they are at school, can understand to leave you alone for 15 mins, can problem solve

and when you're up at 2am not because of a miserable teething baby but picking up teenagers after a party.
you might get covered in sick either way though🤣

The op didn’t talk about being able to go to the gym TO her friend, she just mentioned it to us.

I found the toddler years with my oldest totally draining, he had the attention span of a gnat, was a bolter and didn’t talk much until after he was three. It got soooooo much easier after that.

Maybe she had an easy time when her kid was a toddler? I think there are fresh challenges all the time, you learn to roll with the punches a bit more but it's not as intensely time consuming as having a tiny one.

DD is nearly 5, DS is 2.5. Plenty of times now when DD reads a book in a corner and DS plays with cars and chats to himself. If they're upset, they can tell me why. They're interesting and independent. It's maddening and hard sometimes but that gringey older baby stage is much worse!

Your friend is full of BS. It's way easier! When my toddler was that age I was stressed out of my mind and had zero time for myself. Now my sons are age 4 and 7, I have much more time and headspace, I have even been able to do Couch to 5k this year. I wouldn't have been able to do that when my youngest was a toddler.

I don't know about your friends experience but parenting a toddler is gruesome. When they reach 5, you can leave them to it playing in their bedroom or whatever but with toddlers, you need constant supervision in case he falls and cracks his head open or you need to constantly find ways to entertain him so you could sit down for a minute to have your ice cold coffee that you made 2 hours ago for yourself that you didn't get a chance to finish!

I would feel the same as you as well just this summer on holiday, all the 5-6 year olds were happily playing by the pool where the mums were sunbathing, reading whereas me, I was constantly running after my 2 year old making sure to keep him alive and not sunburnt plus constantly coming up with strategies to distract him from his tantrums because he simply wanted to push his pushchair into the pool.

@TheUndeadLovelinessOfDemons

When they're at school full time, you have time to have a couple of hours chill out time. My youngest is 10 and has ADHD, and if I didn't have that time I'd go nuts. I sit in the Sainsbury's café with my breakfast and my phone and forget about everything for 2 hours.

Well that's all well and good if you don't work full time whilst they are at school I guess...not everyone has that though!

Op i don't agree with your friend at all. Obviously it depends on the child in question but for most people it gets so much easier! Dc1 is 4 and since he started school he has been amazing and not to mention i love spending time with him! I actually miss him so much and run to pick him up from school; he is an absolute joy most of the time despite being a demanding baby and toddler that left me crying at times! His younger sibling who is a toddler is so much harder, no contest but the only saving grace is i now know it definitely gets ALOT easier!

Oh god it definitely gets easier. Anyone who says otherwise has repressed some very traumatic memories of those relentless toddler years.

Well, I'm going to go against the mould and say I find 5 harder than 16 months. Not in a practical sense, obviously, but still. At 16 months I really felt I was getting everything right for my DC. I was totally confident with my parenting, because it's all pretty simple at that age - and I adore toddlers, so I didn't find it boring/irritating/etc.

At 5 (& 8), I doubt myself a lot... am I being too firm/not firm enough? Am I making the right choices re their education? Am I answering the difficult questions in the right ways? Am I giving them too much/not enough freedom?

I remember a friend once telling me that she always thought she'd go back to work once her children were in school, but then when they started school she realised that they needed her more than ever. That is exactly how I feel right now.

Utter rubbish. Course it is easier (esp if they enjoy school). They're busy for a large chunk of the time but you still get plenty of time together (work-permitting). And after 5 they're just generally a bit better company - more reasonable, can do more etc. Don't get me wrong, I relished dd's early years for all the moments that are special to those years, but it's just easier and less physically and emotionally demanding. And generally much more sleep involved

Definitely easier when they go to nursery or school even if it's just because there are fewer hours in which you have to parent. 16 months is hard, once they can communicate and are a little independent, it is easier. Try to have a couole of hours before bed to chill, do what you enjoy and have a few early nights. Share responsibilities with your husband. Make yourself a priority. Do you have local family to help?