Friend told me it will not get any easier

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I am struggling a bit at the moment being a full time mum to my very very headstrong 16 month old. I run my own company but business dried up due to Covid and so once we came out of lockdown and maternity leave ended we had to make a choice about childcare and for the moment it's me looking after him full time. My partner works till quite late, thankfully managing to make it home for bathtime a couple of times a week but otherwise it's me with my rambunctious boy from wake up till bed. I've found it tough perhaps being 40, or a new mum during Covid, or all of the above!

Anyway I'm shattered and I found myself saying to my friends that in some ways I can't wait until my son is school age. I don't want to wish our lives away so I hate saying it, but I'm exhausted and have zero time for myself. My health has suffered and I've lost myself. I used to be fit before I got pregnant but now as he's a real handful I can't do any exercise or working out at all during the week. I miss this time for myself. It's also tough at my son's age because when he's been ill or having a tantrum he hasn't got the language to communicate yet. I feel like it will be a tiny bit easier once he can articulate stuff, like what's hurting.

So I basically suggested to my friend that I felt it might be a tiny bit easier once he turns 5. To be clear, in no way do I think it's easy parenting a 5 year old or any age! I worked with teenagers so I know that's going to be really tough as well! But surely you do get a little bit more headspace once they can go to the loo by themselves, talk to you, and attend school?

My friend said I was wrong to think it will feel any easier as he gets older, and it's not at all easier parenting a 5 year old versus a toddler. She has a 5 year old, but her little girl is really chilled and also goes to school. I know my friend works out at the gym every morning. I'm not saying in anyway it's easy for her - I know it isn't, and just because her girl seems chilled around me it doesn't make it easy - but I felt really despondent when she said things wouldn't get any easier for me.

Please tell me I will find more headspace and a little bit more time for myself once my toddler gets older? Especially as a full time mum, surely this will change? If it doesn't I honestly don't know if I can do it.

Another change, for me, is that 5yo kids go to activities where parents aren't expected to be hands-on with them. So I can drop DD at ballet, pop to the cafe round the corner with my laptop, sort out a few emails, then collect DD and bring her home. Child happy, work done, and I can get straight on with dinner once we're in the house. That's a huge difference from pre-school 'craft' sessions where I had to be on hand to ensure nobody ate the crayons.

Your friend is not being a good friend and she has no idea of how your child will develop. In my experience it gets much easier.

There are different challenges but my 5yo (since about 3/3.5) can:

• Get herself dressed. Usually without a tantrum!
• Go to the toilet by herself
• Get things when asked (mostly!)
• Goes to bed with minimal complaints (she did this quite young, my 2.5yo is still working on it!)
• Walk, climb etc so I rarely need to lift her
• Can be left in a separate room for an hour drawing, reading etc without me worrying what will happen
• In general is more predictable. Yes we have meltdowns and challenges, but mostly with enough food and sleep, she is on a more even keel. Or at least somewhat rational, which my 2.5 isn't always!

Your friend must be finding 5 hard, for reasons of her own. But generally toddlers are more exhausting, especially when you're still working out what they want etc. There are different challenges at 5, but you can start to see how you might get your own time.

I am a mere aunt but it’s definitely less stressful looking after a child who doesn’t throw his plate at people in restaurants or shit everywhere. And when they are older they read to you which is something you’d potentially pay for if you went for audible!

@SickAndTiredAgain

My 2.5 year old is already much easier than when she was 16 months. Yes in some ways it’s harder, but overall, it’s easier. It also depends what you particularly struggle with. I am awful on no sleep, I just can’t function. So whatever there is that might be harder at 2.5, she sleeps better than she did. So I can handle it better.

I have a 2.5 year old and I second this. It's so much easier. Mine can communicate well which makes such a difference!

I 100% frontloaded my parenting. As a baby, toddler and pre-schooler he was delightful but high needs. It was exhausting, he never stopped or slept.

But from age 4, he's been fantastic. Bright, funny, charming and easy-going. (Still doesn't sleep) Parenting feels so easy and natural and positive for him.

Friends with easy babies and toddlers (who probably thought they were better parents than me!) found it much harder around school time. It will all probably change again in the teenage years.

I don't think it gets easier BUT it's different and you get breathing space which makes a huge difference. Different challenges as they get older,it gets less intense as they grow.

It does get easier. When they're 5 they can feed & wash themselves, don't need a nappy, can go to extra curricular activities, get invited over for play dates & so on.

Why don't you work a bit and send him to nursery to get a change of scene? I imagine having a baby in lockdown is challenging.

It’s an ever changing experience. I love/loved tiny babies and the 2-3 stage where they are like little sponges and learn something new everyday. I love/loved 5-12 and then again 17 plus!
I look after one grandchild once a week and he is now 16 months, it’s totally exhausting and there is minimal feedback from them at this age.

Everyone enjoys them differently at different stages. I’m convinced though that you will find 5 year olds much easier than 16 month olds

I have twins - it gets easier at 3 years old onwards - not sure what planet she is on.

In my experience, with a rambunctious DS, EVERY MONTH it gets easier. Not vene every year, every month they get easier to deal with. He's nearly seven yet and a joy to parent, for the most part. Possibly he'll get worse during the teenage years but I can't believe it'll be harder than the baby and toddler years.

I guess if you have a baby who's a dream to look after or a toddler who never tantrums and talks at 15 months who turns into a tweenage nightmare, your mileage will vary.

I don't know if it's been mentioned other than in your opening comment but you have brought up your toddler in a period of time where the world was locked down.

The mother & baby/toddler groups are now only just opening, the pregnancy experience was probably different too and this time in their lives is hard work.

I've got two girls (2 years apart), I can tell you I would not rush back to this time in a hurry. Of course it was great to see them learn new things & make sense of the world but the tantrums & attitude you get are exhausting, esp when you get the perfect people parade glaring whilst out and about.

My Health Visitor once said to me though & it has stuck with me. If anyone comments on you disciplining your child, them misbehaving or crying in public they have probably not got children or they have forgotten that time in their children's development. She just said throw them a smile and carry on.

I have a pre-teen & teen now & attitude is still there but its different.

To give reassurance, it is better when they are in school (5) or school nursery (3) as the routine of the day helps them & generally tires them out and they learn more of their social skills from their peers. You also get chance to eat, visit the toilet & do whatever you feel like in peace, whether that's working, going to the gym, having a brew etc. It's nice to feel like a person again rather than just mum & in that respect it also gets better.

When you feel yourself being pulled down with negatives now, think of a time your little one has made you smile or made you proud and if all else fails there is no shame when he is shouting for you to go and shout in another room when he's finished

Good Luck OP.

I think it gets easier in some ways but harder in others. Yes they can take themselves to the loo and if you continue not to work then you've got all day during school hours to yourself but then it's constant demands on you in other ways - constant homework (my year 1 child has almost daily homework including weekends) constant need to be somewhere for something like activities, lessons, parties, constantly needing to deal with their boredom - yes they can articulate what's wrong but bloody hell do you then not hear the end of it! 😂
When you're out they are too old for a pushchair so it's "my feet are tired" "I'm
Bored" "when can we go home" "I want this" "I want that". I have a 5 year old and 9 months twins and I'd say the oldest is harder to parent right now

And I work full-time so I don't get several hours to myself while he is at school - I imagine it would be even easier if I were a SAHM with only one child who is at school. Obviously SAHMs have stuff to do in this time but still.

Of course it's much easier when they hit 3, an can tell you the issue. And they go to pre-school so you get time to yourself.

Because things don't change overnight its a very slow gradual change people don't notice or they forget how tough and full on the baby and toddler stage can be.

16mths is tough, into everything, no reasoning and little communication.
It will slowly but surely get better

My kids aren't school age yet, I have a 3.5 year old and a nearly 2 year old and the 3.5 year old is SO much easier! It will get easier, I found 2.5 a real turning point with my first, hang in there!

It's so much easier as they get older until they hit teenage years.

Once my dd turned four, I started to feel like I didn't qualify as a mother anymore because there was so much less work all round.

But if I were you, I would find a way to finance nursery care. You should be able to enjoy your child and it takes a special type of person to enjoy looking after a small child on your own 24 hours a day and I was not one of those. My dd went to nursery from 8 until 2:30 and I really enjoyed caring for her the remainder of the day.

0 to 1 was hardest, then 2 to 5.
6 to 10 perfect
11 to 18 were all lovely and over 18 I have fabulous adult children.

But oh my those first two years were tough.

Could you get a job ? It will break the days up.
Can you go to a class one evening or a Saturday morning?

she's talking rubbish

Is your friend the type that likes to scare people with these sorts of horror stories? My daughter is 25 months and I can categorically say that it is easier at 25 months than it was at 16 months. Does she have her challenging moments? Yes, of course but she can communicate more, has favourite games and books she enjoys and tv shows she likes so you don’t always have to be on ‘high alert mode’, she also sleeps and naps well and finds a lot of comfort in routine, and she enjoys going places and it’s easier to take her them too. So even in the space of 6 months, it does get easier. Promise xx

It definitely gets easier. You have to do literally everything for a baby and a very little toddler and keep them comforted and entertained all the time. My 3 year old can sit and play on his own, take him self to the toilet and walk alongside me without holding my hand except to cross the road amongst many other things.

My son is only 2 years 8 months and I've noticed a big difference even in the past 3 months! His speech has improved, he can communicate with me, I understand him meaning less frustration and less tantrums! The naughty step now works and so does bribery! 18 months is so hard! Although I have a13 month old DD so I'm about to go through it all again 🤦‍♀️

My DS is 8, it's miles easier than when he was a toddler. Great age.