Friend told me it will not get any easier

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I am struggling a bit at the moment being a full time mum to my very very headstrong 16 month old. I run my own company but business dried up due to Covid and so once we came out of lockdown and maternity leave ended we had to make a choice about childcare and for the moment it's me looking after him full time. My partner works till quite late, thankfully managing to make it home for bathtime a couple of times a week but otherwise it's me with my rambunctious boy from wake up till bed. I've found it tough perhaps being 40, or a new mum during Covid, or all of the above!

Anyway I'm shattered and I found myself saying to my friends that in some ways I can't wait until my son is school age. I don't want to wish our lives away so I hate saying it, but I'm exhausted and have zero time for myself. My health has suffered and I've lost myself. I used to be fit before I got pregnant but now as he's a real handful I can't do any exercise or working out at all during the week. I miss this time for myself. It's also tough at my son's age because when he's been ill or having a tantrum he hasn't got the language to communicate yet. I feel like it will be a tiny bit easier once he can articulate stuff, like what's hurting.

So I basically suggested to my friend that I felt it might be a tiny bit easier once he turns 5. To be clear, in no way do I think it's easy parenting a 5 year old or any age! I worked with teenagers so I know that's going to be really tough as well! But surely you do get a little bit more headspace once they can go to the loo by themselves, talk to you, and attend school?

My friend said I was wrong to think it will feel any easier as he gets older, and it's not at all easier parenting a 5 year old versus a toddler. She has a 5 year old, but her little girl is really chilled and also goes to school. I know my friend works out at the gym every morning. I'm not saying in anyway it's easy for her - I know it isn't, and just because her girl seems chilled around me it doesn't make it easy - but I felt really despondent when she said things wouldn't get any easier for me.

Please tell me I will find more headspace and a little bit more time for myself once my toddler gets older? Especially as a full time mum, surely this will change? If it doesn't I honestly don't know if I can do it.

16 month old stage is so hard! maybe the worst stage . Once they start school it is so easier I promise!!

@CopperLily what sort of sadist enjoys a tantrum?

I get those looks of solidarity on the school run when my toddler is lying in the main walkway refusing to get in the pushchair or to walk, because she doesn't want to go to school, even though she isn't, we are just dropping my 5 year old 😬 I just look at her and mutter such a lovely age 😉

God what a mean friend!

I depends on what you class as 'easier'. I found aged 6 months - 2 years absolute HELL because they're just getting on the move but you can't sit cuddling them watching TV like you can a newborn, you have to do absolutely everything for them. That's what I found relentless - the fetching cups, wiping mouths, wiping bins, not even getting a moment to just relax.

Mine are 9 and almost 6 now and whilst you have new challenges (fall outs with friends, fears over what they're watching, hearing etc) I find it about 400,0000,00000,00000 times easier than 16 months! They can go to the loo themselves, they can get their own drinks, they can buckle themselves into the car seat, they help bring shopping in, they do laundry, make beds, clean rooms etc.

I can cope with screaming and tantrums all day long, but the little endless jobs and dependency is what I found so stressful.

So IMO it gets SO much easier. I have a broken foot at the moment (single parent too). 4 years ago I wouldn't have been able to cope, at all. But this week I've been putting my foot up whilst the children fetch me things and take themselves off for showers, brushing teeth to bed etc!

Could you afford a couple of half days at nursery so you get a break?
Toddlers are relentless, some more than others, mothers need a break, some more than others.
Three half days is even better.
Better energy for you, better business, better mental health.

People use to say to me all the time " enjoy these days, they wont be young forever" I use to think " thank god for that" roll on school.
Its totally normal to wish away the hard times. Mine are 5 and 7 now and I feel I have just got off the longest and biggest rollercoaster of my life! one I don't wish to repeat. They are both at such a lovely age now, they can feed themselves, use the toilet, ask for things they need, entertain themselves, play with things without me worrying about them putting stuff in their mouth etc, walk and hold my hand, the list is endless. Ignore your friend.

@CopperLily

I was a SAHM and my second child was SO difficult. Cried a lot, refused to nap and I hated every day. It really is much easier as they get older, especially with regards to having time for yourself.

I remember my second throwing tantrums and well-meaning strangers saying "enjoy these days, they pass so quickly and when they get older they don't want to spend any time with you". I used to think "well that sounds bloody marvellous, let's do that instead". And I look back now,and I honestly wouldn't go back to those days for anything. It was so wearing.

Same, I hated the 'you'll miss the toddler years' advice. My 2 are well away from toddler years now and I look back and laugh with glee that's it's all over!!! I honestly don't miss it one bit. I was bloody miserable.

I work with teenagers, haven't parented one yet but I have a sneaky suspicion I'll prefer teenage life to toddler life. At least teenagers fuck off to their room and leave you alone now and again

So much easier. I just think your friend doesn’t want you to think she’s got it easy (although she has)

Parenting overall probably doesn't get easier no but the things you are currently struggling with definitely do! Those things will be replaced by new struggles no doubt but the literally never having a minute to yourself will ease as DS grows.

It’s SO much easier once they’re at school. The challenges are different and difficult in their own ways, but at least you get a break and some time off!

I think everyone has their favourite stages and it depends so much on what you enjoy and what your children are like. I have a 4.5 year old and I’m finding it a tough stage- DC is an overtired mess after a full school day, we have to do homework now and the transition to being so much more independent hasn’t been smooth sailing. Comparatively I found the young toddler years easy going. Gosh do I miss the blissful 2 hour afternoon nap!

You’re in a tough phase at the moment, there will be easier ones, then harder ones again and different ages present their own challenges. You may find 5 easier, or you may not, so I totally get where your friend was coming from in telling you not to presume.

Also practical point- if you want to go to the gym and can afford it then the big chains usually have a crèche.

I actually found it harder but my son has special needs and at 11 is still very toddler like.
I would assume when the child is at school you would have that break from them and be able to chat about each of your days which would make it easier

It's easier. But not easy.

And kiss your chilled out evenings to yourself goodbye. My kids don't sleep until 9pm, even on school nights and with lots of fresh air and exercise. I've resorted to sending them up to their rooms for quiet time at 8pm just so I can have ten minutes to myself!

I'm also delighted hat mine aren't toddlers any more! They were adorable but it's hard, thankless work.

Mine are 11 and 9 now, and very independent. The challenges can be talked through and around, which I'm much better at. Actually, 80% of parenting at this age seems to be listening to them!

It's a long time since mine were that age but things do get better. It's not always difficult and the challenges change with time. Before long he will be like a little buddy to you and you won't need eyes in the back of your head. Hard as it may be, do try to do something for yourself if you can, a coffee, file your nails etc. you're doing a great job that nobody gets training for and, although the days are long, the time is very short indeed.

I think each age has it's own issues! Some things get easier as they get older but I find there are different and new things to worry about instead.

My 2.5 year old is already much easier than when she was 16 months. Yes in some ways it’s harder, but overall, it’s easier.
It also depends what you particularly struggle with. I am awful on no sleep, I just can’t function. So whatever there is that might be harder at 2.5, she sleeps better than she did. So I can handle it better.

some things will get easier (your independence) some things will get harder (their independence)

Bloody hell, your friend knows you’re struggling and she won’t even tell you a little white lie to help you get through this difficult time? Not that she needs to lie because generally 5 is a lovely age, and even if it wasn’t you’re getting a 6 hour break from your DC so obviously it’s going to be much easier for that reason alone. Your friend doesn’t sound very nice. Ignore her.

I don't think it gets easier. It's bloody difficult. But different.

I think it depends on your circumstances. I look back on my days with just one 16-month old DC with fondness. He was very easily entertained, had 3-hour naps every day & 12 hours every night. And there was no conflict of interest as only him to focus on! Any problems could usually be resolved with food or sleep & there were no friendship dramas. I was a SAHM.

Now, I have 3 DSes who are nearly 13, 10 & 7. Middle one has ADHD/ASD. They all love each other but fight a lot. I spend lots of time ferrying them to various activities & 2 school runs each morning & afternoon - essential for DS2's development. They cost more in clothes, food, activities, everything. The eldest goes to bed at 9.30pm so we don't get much evening. On the flip side, I have been able to start working & they can entertain themselves for long stretches of time. I can't really leave the younger 2 alone due to DS2'S needs.

So, to me, parenting 1 toddler was far easier than 3 school-aged DC, but I'm sure that's not everyone's experience.

@Clementineapples I’m really sorry you’ve got things so tough. I can relate to you x
It makes me so sad to think we’ll never outgrow the ‘toddler stage’ or get a break when they go to school. Can I ask, does your son go to school? X

When they're at school full time, you have time to have a couple of hours chill out time. My youngest is 10 and has ADHD, and if I didn't have that time I'd go nuts. I sit in the Sainsbury's café with my breakfast and my phone and forget about everything for 2 hours.

I have 5 kids ranging from 18 months to 13. It does get easier, much easier from approx 3/4.

I will add that we find our two older ones quite challenging now that they’re in the tween/ teen stage but there was a sweet spot between 3 years until 11 years so plenty of time to regroup. It is a less exhausting, physically demanding challenge. Sort of a deeper worry about them as opposed to being in charge of everything.

I’m counting down the days of young toddlerhood, I think it’s the hardest stage of all, they’re so unpredictable and unreasonable!!!

There are different challenges related to children as they grow older, but it does get much easier. They can shower and feed themselves, tidy up their stuff, brush their own teeth etc. It's not as full on and they can also entertain themselves.

Hang on in there.

It absolutely IS easier as they get older.

I have a 6 year old and a 4 year old. We recently spent the week with my 14 month old niece and I wouldn’t go back to those days for anything. You forget how full on toddlers are.

My two could be left watching tv, colouring in or playing for half an hour or so, not so for DN.

Little ones need your constant attention and it’s draining. It WILL get better