Judgey in laws

[Loudina]

PIL arrived to stay for a week on Friday. Thus far I've been criticised for the following things:

• DD (6) goes to bed too late (8pm)
• we eat too late (6pm)
• DD should not be allowed to watch TV after 5 as that's TV time for grown ups
• DD talks too much and should be told to be quiet more
• our cat shouldn't be allowed in any of the bedrooms (I keep him out of the guest room because I know PIL don't like him) but apparently it is disgusting I let him in DD's room or our room
• I spend too much time cooking and why don't I just make easy meals
• we eat too much pasta and rice and why can't we just have some meat and veg
• our Halloween decorations from Sunday still haven't been taken down
• we spend too much time on food and why do we shop at sainsbury's when Aldi is so much cheaper
• we should not drink full fat milk, only skimmed (I bought skimmed milk specially for them)

Driving me crackers. DH is at work when I expressly asked him to take time off. Apparently he didn't ask in time. I'm sure he did it on purpose but apparently I can't complain as I was happy to have them to stay. So tempted to just go out on my own tonight and leave them all to it.

Maybe she is clumsily trying to ask questions but not wanting to seem critical or offend you but is genuinely wanting to know ‘is x day, don’t the kids normally have swim class then?’

But doesn’t want to say that in case you get offended by her asking that, as you might then say ‘MIL criticising and questioning why I haven’t taken children swimming’
‘MIL is offending me because she knows her grandkids schedule and questioning why I haven’t taken them’

When actually the MiL genuinely is interested in the life you and the grandkids have, but is scared to offend you that she gets foot in mouth disease and you get offended anyway

In your MiL parenting days maybe she wishes she could have the schedule you do and the activities her grandkids have with a parent?

Maybe her asking if the kids get tired at nursery is her way just questioning her own choices and asking do the kids get tired, maybe that is why she might not have done it. Seeing you and how you and your children may make her curious, may make her wonder if they are tired is it possible in her own to offer help.
Why not simply just be able to say ‘oh yes x day is normally swim class but just couldn’t get them in this week but thanks for remembering there schedule or if it’s cos a parent couldn’t ring or book online in time to get the class booked, couldn’t it be a way of then saying ‘couldn’t book a swim class but if you free on Y day is it possible you could call or book the next session so we don’t miss it. As you know how much the grandkids love there swim or activities

It's only generational in that they have different routines and standards to you. Manners are not generational. They are being rude. Calling it "making suggestions" is just dressing it up. It's still rude and they know it.

Your husband is spineless and has thrown you under the bus. He obviously doesn't want to have to deal with their shit. If there's a next time, make it conditional on him booking the time off before they are invited.

Hand them a blank piece of paper and say "Here's a list of all the things I've asked for your advice on..."

@mbosnz

Or alternatively, why can a person not be aware enough to understand that different family's do things different ways (yes, even when one person is your adult offspring), accept it, and respect it? That removes any possibility of perception of criticism and taking of offence. Win/Win?

Exactly this!!!! If someone else's child goes to bed later than yours, then that's because it works for their family, you don't need to ask why you - do you not see how that might upset someone or make them feel inadequate or judged? It's not worth making someone else feel that way to satisfy your curiosity.

I see the usual weirdo doormats are active on this thread.
It’d drive me mad, OP.

@DismantledKing

I see the usual weirdo doormats are active on this thread. It’d drive me mad, OP.

Why are people doormats if they make the decision to try and make a family and all the extended people that come with it work?

Life isn’t really as easy as you best do as I say, only speak or question what I believe is right, you question, criticise or don’t follow my rules exactly then I’m going to cause drama in the family because it’s my way.
Is that doing the same. I’m life it’s actually ok to receive criticism and for the world not to implode.
Honestly, it gets me very annoyed that many people cannot see past their own self importance. This I do believe stems from everyone having to be a winner, no criticism in life as everyone has got to have positive feedback and to be told no it’s a huge, drama, fuelled episode.
In life you won’t be the best, you will be told your way is wrong and it is ok. These are opinions and opinions are ok in life. Healthy discussion and debate are allowed and it doesn’t matter if you aren’t allowed to be in control or make the demands as life won’t implode.

So the weirdo doormats comment is generally a person with little to no personal resilience, will actually create drama because the expect to always get there own way, cannot cope with the word ‘no’ and has no awareness of other people’s needs, emotions or even how they are actually perceived

Sometimes weirdo doormats in extended families are the most resolute, kind, appreciative people you could hope to have in a family. They are confident in themselves, their place in family, their children and know their own opinions. These weirdo doormats also put the needs of others above their own. It’s the ‘I’m offended at everything that isn’t all my way and my way shouldnt be questioned, if you do I’m going NC’ kinda people who live in constant drama fuelled episodes of crap that other people are just blindly agree or they will be no contact

Those weirdo doormat types are people I would want in my family. Honestly, is society changing so much that ‘I,I,I’ is all that matters

There is more than ‘I’ in the word Family

@Biscuitmonster2318, my idea of making a family 'work' isn't allowing the outlaws to come into my home and constantly criticize. If my MIL asks if she can help with anything fair enough, but if she started to tell me what to do or criticized what time my kids went to bed, or what we ate etc then I would ignore her and feel very cross. What works for me and mine might not work for others, but it's not wrong.

I would never go no contact (despite my FIL defrauding us of £1,000's, and my MIL belting me for not following the rules of my SIL's household in our house - how fucking weird is that?!), but I have personal lines in the sand.

And yes, my children's wellbeing and my animal's wellbeing, our family's wellbeing are paramount in our house. They will not be jeopardised in order to spare the feelings of wellmeaning (or not so much) extended family. We know our children, our animals, and our household extremely well, how it functions best. We will take questions, give answers, but will not take judgmental statements, or attempts to make us do things their way.

We have plenty of resilience. We have got our kids and my family through two natural disasters, some godawful extended family crap, shifted house five times in three years, we have together gone around the world on secondment, and have relocated to the other side of the world permanently. Our family has done that. My husband, me, and our two kids. And a cat.

But I am no player on the team #BeNice.

I think you are within your rights to point out that they seem to be a bit confused, as they are guests in YOUR home and not the other way around. I would plaster on a fake smile and do a really irritating MN “tinkly” laugh (I’ve been practicing mine for the cold day in hell that I’m forced to see my MIL again) and say “Well! Wasn’t that rude? Someone seems to have forgotten their manners when they were packing for their trip!!!”

Biscuit I think you are massively projecting things onto me that I haven't said, won't say, haven't done, and won't do. I'm not going to go in all guns blazing, tell them to leave my home or go no contact.

I DID take DD out today, telling them I thought they'd like a day to themselves to follow their own routine. They seemed happy enough with that though remarked that I must have money to burn to buy lunch at the NT place rather than pack a lunch. To which I responded "we have enough money to be able to buy some sandwiches in a cafe".

I won't be putting my DD to bed earlier or locking my cat in the kitchen or eating at 5pm or saying DD isn't allowed to watch Hey Duggee after 5, or tell her to be quiet when she is just chatting and waiting her turn.

And I have also told DH in no uncertain terms that if they come and stay during the week again, he's to book the time off before confirming with them. Lesson thoroughly learned there.

Go you, Loudina! I hope you enjoyed your peaceful day out.

I did set a time limit on how long I'd go without my DH being there to be the primary dealer with his inlaws.

With his mother, it was two weeks (she's rather lovely, on the whole).

With his father, it was 30 minutes to drive the fucker to the airport.

Dont forget we will all be somebody’s PIL in the future, will you embrace everything you seen done and not offer any criticisms of your own?

Well I'm a PIL and a granny, and unless there was a health and safety issue regarding how my DD and SIL raised their children and ran their home, then no, I do not offer criticisms. They do things very differently to how we did when ours were children, but it's seriously none of my business.

@Graphista and others - you all come across as hysterical (oh yes misogyny, lucky I am a radical feminist), dramatic, self obsessed and completely lacking in class. People who have confidence would have no problem with behaving reasonably in the OPs circumstances (and it sounds like she is, although personally I would have tried to ‘give’ a bit more). That there is something so offensive about respecting your husband’s family, you all have bigger problems that the people who disagree with you in this thread.
I am not a MIL - simplistic MN thinking, oh anyone who doesn’t echo back your view must be the enemy. How do you people function as adults, you must spend all day jumping at shadows and engineering opportunities to assert yourselves. Build your own confidence first - that is feminism.

[quote ldfdyjxzyjkv]@Graphista and others - you all come across as hysterical (oh yes misogyny, lucky I am a radical feminist), dramatic, self obsessed and completely lacking in class. People who have confidence would have no problem with behaving reasonably in the OPs circumstances (and it sounds like she is, although personally I would have tried to ‘give’ a bit more). That there is something so offensive about respecting your husband’s family, you all have bigger problems that the people who disagree with you in this thread.
I am not a MIL - simplistic MN thinking, oh anyone who doesn’t echo back your view must be the enemy. How do you people function as adults, you must spend all day jumping at shadows and engineering opportunities to assert yourselves. Build your own confidence first - that is feminism.[/quote]
Well, I really hope you can find a door big enough to see both your swollen head and your ego out. . .

Call me old fashioned, but I think it is beyond rude to go into someone else's home and question the way they do things. When in Rome, etc.

ldfdyjxzyjkv

Where have I said I'm not respecting them? The lack of respect is from them to me, not me to them.

[quote ldfdyjxzyjkv]@Graphista and others - you all come across as hysterical (oh yes misogyny, lucky I am a radical feminist), dramatic, self obsessed and completely lacking in class. People who have confidence would have no problem with behaving reasonably in the OPs circumstances (and it sounds like she is, although personally I would have tried to ‘give’ a bit more). That there is something so offensive about respecting your husband’s family, you all have bigger problems that the people who disagree with you in this thread.
I am not a MIL - simplistic MN thinking, oh anyone who doesn’t echo back your view must be the enemy. How do you people function as adults, you must spend all day jumping at shadows and engineering opportunities to assert yourselves. Build your own confidence first - that is feminism.[/quote]
Confidence to stand up for yourself against batshit people coming into your home and trying to run the place and change the way you do things. You're the hysterical one my dear.

Yes, but we're lacking in class daaahling!

@Loudina

ldfdyjxzyjkv

Where have I said I'm not respecting them? The lack of respect is from them to me, not me to them.

I am not talking about you OP I am talking about all of the other dramatic PP. That said respect goes both ways and I think it is reasonable to be accommodating of PILs. In fact I would never open as discussion about ‘respect’ with PIL (as many are suggesting) it is just crass and embarrassing.

Yes, but no respect is going the way of the parents, their household, and their children's routine, is it? So it's not going both ways?

@ldfdyjxzyjkv where the respect that PIL is giving to the OP then?

Smile. Nod. Tinkly laugh. ‘You are so funny, PILs!’ Repeat.

@mbosnz I think that's often part of the issue - they think they still can treat their adult child like an under 18 child? They forget they're now adults. Funniest incidence of this was when out with my mum and toddler dd once we went to cross the road and mum took my hand to guide me across...  I was...31/32 at the time!

I notice I do it with my own dd - 20, not lived at home for a couple years now at uni, but has worked full time and had her own place...I still find myself telling her things like "wrap up warm" "try and eat SOME vegetables"

@Biscuitmonster2318 I think it's possible for there to be a balance between:

Doormat and drama llama

Constant criticism for no reason than to make another person feel shit and occasional genuinely well meaning CONSTRUCTIVE criticism or suggestions of how to make something easier for yourself

Always putting others first to the detriment of yourself/your family and always putting yourself first

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect these in laws to recognise that - op has already "sucked up" a fair bit

As for the comments re nc made by a few, those of us that go nc never do so lightly ime. In my case it was self preservation in terms of potential harm/fatality! No exaggeration.

"Making a family work" is the responsibility of ALL the family members - far as I can tell these in laws are the ones expecting everything to go their way!

@Loudina good for you!

@ldfdyjxzyjkv perfectly happy in my actual feminism, confidence and ability to assert myself without offending people thanks.

I have a great relationship with dd, I'm closer to my mum than ever after a difficult time through the pandemic, I'm also very close to my extended family (which consist of some..."tricky" personalities in some cases) and have close friends going back 30 odd years plus newer ones who appreciate my honesty and way of doing things, the older friends we have seen each other through many trials and tribulations as well as celebrations and are as close as cousins/siblings in many ways.

As for lacking in class... well that's not something I've ever been accused of before so points for originality at least! And that's despite my PROUDLY working class background! I can't wait to tell a certain friend (one of the 30 plus years ones) that one given he is actual nobility I'm sure it will tickle him!

I have to get a better hobby.

@ldfdyjxzyjkv

I have to get a better hobby.

You really do. You alright hun?!

@ldfdyjxzyjkv

I have to get a better hobby.

Going on mumsnet is your hobby? How base … although I would’ve thought you were too busy being queasy from all the animals inside peoples homes to have any sort of hobby.

@Loudina I have similar issues/judgements but with my DM rather than my DMiL and after the covid break my DP came to stay and once the boys were in bed my DM commenced with pointing out their ‘issues’ (they like to be cuddled to sleep, they don’t like food in sauces aka fish pie/casseroles etc, my eldest is too emotional, my youngest too stubborn) sadly for my DM she started this after I’d had rather a lot of wine so I may have rather firmly told her to stop. Hopefully I won’t have to repeat myself but I most definitely will if she starts again, I know she loves them and importantly she would NEVER criticise them to their faces but it’s exhausting trying to parent to her Victorian standards!