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Original poster

Judgey in laws

229 replies

Loudina · 02/11/2021 17:56

PIL arrived to stay for a week on Friday. Thus far I've been criticised for the following things:

  • DD (6) goes to bed too late (8pm)
  • we eat too late (6pm)
  • DD should not be allowed to watch TV after 5 as that's TV time for grown ups
  • DD talks too much and should be told to be quiet more
  • our cat shouldn't be allowed in any of the bedrooms (I keep him out of the guest room because I know PIL don't like him) but apparently it is disgusting I let him in DD's room or our room
  • I spend too much time cooking and why don't I just make easy meals
  • we eat too much pasta and rice and why can't we just have some meat and veg
  • our Halloween decorations from Sunday still haven't been taken down
  • we spend too much time on food and why do we shop at sainsbury's when Aldi is so much cheaper
  • we should not drink full fat milk, only skimmed (I bought skimmed milk specially for them)

Driving me crackers. DH is at work when I expressly asked him to take time off. Apparently he didn't ask in time. I'm sure he did it on purpose but apparently I can't complain as I was happy to have them to stay. So tempted to just go out on my own tonight and leave them all to it.

OP posts:
REDHERO · 02/11/2021 21:39

"I am with the them on the cat - for any non cat owner cats in bedrooms is absolutely vile, sorry."

Same here. Hygiene. Dogs as well, not in beds or bedrooms.

Igfdyjxzyjkv · 02/11/2021 21:40

@Loudina

Does she often interrupt?

Sometimes, as most kids do, but I ALWAYS correct her when she does that and I don't let her derail a conversation I'm already having.

PIL interrupt her frequently, however.

I would then intervene and say ‘what were you saying DD?’ I would not put up with that. To be clear, they are pretty batshit but my point is why not just suck it up when there is so little to gain from a showdown.
Original poster
Loudina · 02/11/2021 21:40

The cat is not allowed IN to the room they sleep in.

OP posts:

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Original poster
Loudina · 02/11/2021 21:41

However I feel I should point out that this is coming from people who let their dog sleep in their bed with them, so feels somewhat hypocritical.

OP posts:
Igfdyjxzyjkv · 02/11/2021 21:48

@Loudina

However I feel I should point out that this is coming from people who let their dog sleep in their bed with them, so feels somewhat hypocritical.
What? They let their dog sleep on their bed? That changes things - no basis to complain.
Original poster
Loudina · 02/11/2021 21:50

IN their bed. The dog sleeps IN the bed between them. Yet I'm beyond disgusting because our cat goes into a room they haven't even set foot in.

I honestly couldn't care less their dog sleeps in their bed with them but it does make their complaints about MY cat being in MY bedroom rather galling.

OP posts:
Igfdyjxzyjkv · 02/11/2021 21:51

@Loudina

IN their bed. The dog sleeps IN the bed between them. Yet I'm beyond disgusting because our cat goes into a room they haven't even set foot in.

I honestly couldn't care less their dog sleeps in their bed with them but it does make their complaints about MY cat being in MY bedroom rather galling.

Agree with you.
Cadburyschoco · 02/11/2021 22:04

Ohh poor you, they sound awful !! I would definitely not be inviting them to stay again if I was you. Hope you can escape them for a bit tomorrow - your DH owes you big time for this !

Graphista · 02/11/2021 22:52

Dh is being pathetic!

DH has a lot more work to do on the redemption front...

Yep! Big time!

@Igfdyjxzyjkv no what you are describing is not being polite it's being a doormat!

They are being rude and critical and badly mannered guests!

I have ocd and it's really bad at the moment - there are many things I couldn't cope with as a guest in others houses - so i am not a guest in others houses because it would be unreasonable and rude of me to expect that to be accommodated

It's the cats home! Guests should respect that FACT

but my point is why not just suck it up when there is so little to gain from a showdown.

Because actually there is much to be gained from not a showdown necessarily but addressing the comments in terms of them not being such rude, ungracious guests in the future! Op is seriously considering not allowing them to visit again - so long term they will lose out if they don't get a grip!

I have a difficult relationship anyway with my parents but mostly dad, mum is generally the easier of the two except when she came to visit. I was very clear that if she carried on with that nonsense she would not be seeing much of dd or I. Because it would have been too stressful

She was actually great with dd when she was younger, less so as she got older but that was mainly as once my sisters (golden child personified!) kids were born dd was ignored!

They're definitely out of order but it would be the dh I was most angry with here!

Pumpkinsonparade · 02/11/2021 23:33

First chance you get go rub dcat's bum on both their pillows..
The euphoria you feel will he amazing I imagine!!

Bloodylovecheese · 02/11/2021 23:49

Omg my PIL do just that!!

Mulhollandmagoo · 02/11/2021 23:51

@Igfdyjxzyjkv I'm confused as to why you think she should start putting her child to bed earlier? If you have an established bedtime routine, you should be messing about with it to appease other people - that's unfair on the child.

Bloodylovecheese · 02/11/2021 23:51

Rearranges the cutlery drawer when I'm out,that is Angry

Igfdyjxzyjkv · 02/11/2021 23:53

@Graphista

Dh is being pathetic!

DH has a lot more work to do on the redemption front...

Yep! Big time!

@Igfdyjxzyjkv no what you are describing is not being polite it's being a doormat!

They are being rude and critical and badly mannered guests!

I have ocd and it's really bad at the moment - there are many things I couldn't cope with as a guest in others houses - so i am not a guest in others houses because it would be unreasonable and rude of me to expect that to be accommodated

It's the cats home! Guests should respect that FACT

but my point is why not just suck it up when there is so little to gain from a showdown.

Because actually there is much to be gained from not a showdown necessarily but addressing the comments in terms of them not being such rude, ungracious guests in the future! Op is seriously considering not allowing them to visit again - so long term they will lose out if they don't get a grip!

I have a difficult relationship anyway with my parents but mostly dad, mum is generally the easier of the two except when she came to visit. I was very clear that if she carried on with that nonsense she would not be seeing much of dd or I. Because it would have been too stressful

She was actually great with dd when she was younger, less so as she got older but that was mainly as once my sisters (golden child personified!) kids were born dd was ignored!

They're definitely out of order but it would be the dh I was most angry with here!

Haha doormat is the last thing anyone would say about me, and the way I do things. It is about being strategic. I just think sometimes it is not worth the fight which is likely to have greater and more unpleasant ramifications. My advice would be take long sighted view - they are parents/grandparents so will have the view that they deserve respect. So give it to them. What they have said rises only to a fairly low level of annoyance - they have different views as to how to live and because they are PIL they think they have the right to express them. You are never going to convince them otherwise, so play the long game, keep above the fray and get on with it. And it’s pretty ridiculous to expect the DH to tell off his own parents - why put him in that position. Just get through the week and try to see some positives in having them around. Not everything needs to be an emotional drama in life.
Igfdyjxzyjkv · 02/11/2021 23:54

[quote Mulhollandmagoo]@Igfdyjxzyjkv I'm confused as to why you think she should start putting her child to bed earlier? If you have an established bedtime routine, you should be messing about with it to appease other people - that's unfair on the child.[/quote]
I am sure it will do no long term harm for a week, let’s not be precious.

Mulhollandmagoo · 02/11/2021 23:56

@Igfdyjxzyjkv but why should she? Why should her poor child get turfed to bed an hour earlier on someone else's say so?

SparklyDino · 03/11/2021 00:02

@Pumpkinsonparade

First chance you get go rub dcat's bum on both their pillows.. The euphoria you feel will he amazing I imagine!!

OMG I genuinely laughed out loud at that.

Not sure what is funnier. The ILS sleeping on the pillow, OP actually trying to do it with the cat or the cat's face as he gets picked up and his ass wiped on a pillow.

Great post!

Igfdyjxzyjkv · 03/11/2021 00:08

[quote Mulhollandmagoo]@Igfdyjxzyjkv but why should she? Why should her poor child get turfed to bed an hour earlier on someone else's say so?[/quote]
Because they are the parents of her husband and it makes sense to try to get along. Just a matter is saying ok DD let’s start getting ready to bed so we can given PIL some time to relax. It isn’t some existential capitulation it is just trying to meet half way.

Mulhollandmagoo · 03/11/2021 00:11

@Igfdyjxzyjkv but surely her PIL could respect her parenting choices so they could all get along? It goes both ways, they're guests in her house and they have to fit around the everyday routine of the household. If they want to relax in the evening then they should have booked and paid for accommodation to allow them to do so

Igfdyjxzyjkv · 03/11/2021 00:14

My point to OP is follow my method you will be less stressed, avoid a nasty confrontation and they will probably back off when they see they have some influence (of course there will be many who say oh no they want and cite horror stories but 99% of the time they just want some recognition). Everyone will say it won’t work because (a) MN loves a confrontation more than a resolution and therefore (b) no one will have actually tried my approach to find out that it works. I offer this up as one view (and trust me it absolutely works)
But if you want to have a fight - go ahead if you feel you need it but once you open that box, you never close it again.

Igfdyjxzyjkv · 03/11/2021 00:14

[quote Mulhollandmagoo]@Igfdyjxzyjkv but surely her PIL could respect her parenting choices so they could all get along? It goes both ways, they're guests in her house and they have to fit around the everyday routine of the household. If they want to relax in the evening then they should have booked and paid for accommodation to allow them to do so[/quote]
Nah

Igfdyjxzyjkv · 03/11/2021 00:15

Know thy enemy and recognise what they want. The cardinal rule.

Mulhollandmagoo · 03/11/2021 00:29

@Igfdyjxzyjkv nah?

Saracen · 03/11/2021 00:29

@LoveGoldberg

Have a pad of paper to hand, next criticism they make I would hand it to them and say please will you write all future suggestions down because I’m losing track of things I’m doing wrong
Genius. If they repeat a criticism they've made previously, you can say, "Yep, got that on the list already!"

or tell your daughter, "Oh, Grandpa says pasta won't do for dinner! The list is on the fridge. Can you check if that's on the list please, and add it if not?" If you say it cheerfully enough it can be a game for her.

HadEnoughofOtherThreads · 03/11/2021 00:36

@Igfdyjxzyjkv

Nah.