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Judgey in laws

229 replies

Loudina · 02/11/2021 17:56

PIL arrived to stay for a week on Friday. Thus far I've been criticised for the following things:

  • DD (6) goes to bed too late (8pm)
  • we eat too late (6pm)
  • DD should not be allowed to watch TV after 5 as that's TV time for grown ups
  • DD talks too much and should be told to be quiet more
  • our cat shouldn't be allowed in any of the bedrooms (I keep him out of the guest room because I know PIL don't like him) but apparently it is disgusting I let him in DD's room or our room
  • I spend too much time cooking and why don't I just make easy meals
  • we eat too much pasta and rice and why can't we just have some meat and veg
  • our Halloween decorations from Sunday still haven't been taken down
  • we spend too much time on food and why do we shop at sainsbury's when Aldi is so much cheaper
  • we should not drink full fat milk, only skimmed (I bought skimmed milk specially for them)

Driving me crackers. DH is at work when I expressly asked him to take time off. Apparently he didn't ask in time. I'm sure he did it on purpose but apparently I can't complain as I was happy to have them to stay. So tempted to just go out on my own tonight and leave them all to it.

OP posts:
Loudina · 02/11/2021 20:41

They are v v much of the children should be seen and not heard school of thought

OP posts:
bakingdemon · 02/11/2021 20:42

The last time we stayed with my parents my dad actually came out with "little boys should be seen and not heard". That was in about August and tbh I am not really in a hurry to return after that.

samwitwicky · 02/11/2021 20:42

@Loudina

Originally it was meant to be for a night, then me being me (& when I thought DH was off work) said oh that isn't very long, why don't they stay for a bit longer.

More fool me, won't happen again!!!

Rookie mistake Grin

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Loudina · 02/11/2021 20:47

I have tried very very hard to be hospitable and do nice things with them and feel it has been a total waste of time. Definitely going to take DD out alone tomorrow.

OP posts:
Cattitudes · 02/11/2021 20:54

Try to chivy them out tomorrow too.

Ah yes it is a closed group so unfortunately you can't come. I will need you to leave the house though so you can't meddle and pry because I am going to defumigate just in case we have any unwanted visitors .... ... on the cat.

Cattitudes · 02/11/2021 20:54

Should be fine for dinner a 6pm.

JenniferJareau · 02/11/2021 20:56

Making a blanket statement about 8pm being “too late” for a 6 year old is ridiculous.

Just giving my experience on a public forum. If you don't agree, so be it.

CaptSkippy · 02/11/2021 20:57

OP, I onced kicked out my own parents for misbehaving in my house and stressing me out. Suprisingly, we're still on good terms.

However, guests are guests and they need to behave as such or go elsewhere. Also, tell your husband to pull his head out of his ass if he intends to stay married.

Graphista · 02/11/2021 21:02

I agree I would - as diplomatically BUT as assertively as possible - tell them to like it or lump it!

On mn it's usually in laws, in my case it was my own parents are like this. One time my mother completely rearranged my kitchen while I was at work because I had it all wrong apparently!

That was the final straw that week, I pulled everything back out and put it where I wanted it (though there were some items I couldn't find for weeks!) and told them to quit nit picking and respect that this was MY home not theirs and if they didn't like how I did things they were more than welcome to leave the following day!

Yes to an extent it's easier with ones own parents to be honest but it's still maddening!

You need a serious word with your dh too!

He's completely absented himself and left you with the drudge and the complaints - I'll bet he knows full well what they're like!

For future reference tell him if he hasn't booked leave by the week before they're due to arrive you will be cancelling! And stick to that! Indeed their next visit he's off and you're at work (if you work) or have plans EVERY day (if you don't work)

They said "oh no, you know us, we're easy".

I'd have honestly responded with something like

"That's not how you're coming across" and quoted some of the "advice" they've given

If they're playing dumb time to play hard ball!

Your dh needs to tell them straight on both of your behalf to pack it in! He has behaved appallingly cowardly in landing this on you!

He owes you big for this!

HadEnoughofOtherThreads · 02/11/2021 21:06

‘Making a blanket statement about 8pm being “too late” for a 6 year old is ridiculous.’

Just giving my experience on a public forum. If you don't agree, so be it.

  • Fine. Same here re. respect for different opinions.
I just feel some people are too righteous concerning bedtimes for other people’s children, as if it is a competition or who is the better parent. Not all children are the same. Some children are unable to stay asleep for the recommended 10/11 hours per night. Not all families need to have the same timings re. routines and lifestyle.
HadEnoughofOtherThreads · 02/11/2021 21:11

@CaptSkippy

‘OP, I onced kicked out my own parents for misbehaving in my house and stressing me out. Suprisingly, we're still on good terms.’

I have done the same. No similar comments have been made in our house since. If comments are made, they made via phone and are ignored.

Igfdyjxzyjkv · 02/11/2021 21:12

Why is MN all about dramatic confrontations (usually badly worded and extremely ill advised based on ‘input’ from other mumsnetters) or NC? What is wrong with just going along with it for a week and being harmonious? They are obviously a bit weird and particular but who cares really. I would just do 80% of what they suggest and for the others (eg time taken in cooking, where you shop etc) just say that’s a really interesting idea I will think about that. Who cares what they think and it certainly isn’t worth a completely embarrassing and rude my way or the highway confrontation. Just accommodate your guests and be polite (even if the might not be). I am with the them on the cat - for any non cat owner cats in bedrooms is absolutely vile, sorry.

Loudina · 02/11/2021 21:17

I am with the them on the cat - for any non cat owner cats in bedrooms is absolutely vile, sorry.

But the cats are not in the room they sleep in Confused. It's a completely needless thing to comment on. It'd be like them complaining they don't like the feel of the bedding I was using on my own bed.

And I was a non cat owner for the first 28 years of my life and not once did I ever find a cat in a bedroom disgusting. I've never owned a dog but I don't think dogs are disgusting. What a bizarre comment.

Re the rest of the stuff you think I should accommodate- like what? I should send DD to bed at 6.30 (that's when they think she should go BTW)?I should tell her she's not to talk until Friday?I should shut my cat in the kitchen?

I honestly can't imagine ever going to someone's home and EVER even dropping a vague hint about their child's bedtime or their pet (assuming I knew they had a pet and that the pet would be present).

OP posts:
Loudina · 02/11/2021 21:19

DH has very very slightly redeemed himself by telling them both to be quiet about a) the cat and b) DD's bedtime.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 02/11/2021 21:23

If you Google a 6 year old bedtime it gives you a broad time of between 6pm and 8pm

Guests do not dictate the television habits f the host I wouldnt dream of it unless it was spiders I would have an early night if they wanted to watch the secret life of spiders or the mutilation of animals

Sparkletastic · 02/11/2021 21:28

DH has a lot more work to do on the redemption front...

Igfdyjxzyjkv · 02/11/2021 21:30

@Loudina

I am with the them on the cat - for any non cat owner cats in bedrooms is absolutely vile, sorry.

But the cats are not in the room they sleep in Confused. It's a completely needless thing to comment on. It'd be like them complaining they don't like the feel of the bedding I was using on my own bed.

And I was a non cat owner for the first 28 years of my life and not once did I ever find a cat in a bedroom disgusting. I've never owned a dog but I don't think dogs are disgusting. What a bizarre comment.

Re the rest of the stuff you think I should accommodate- like what? I should send DD to bed at 6.30 (that's when they think she should go BTW)?I should tell her she's not to talk until Friday?I should shut my cat in the kitchen?

I honestly can't imagine ever going to someone's home and EVER even dropping a vague hint about their child's bedtime or their pet (assuming I knew they had a pet and that the pet would be present).

I haven’t looked back at the list but bringing forward dinner, serving them veg and meat and yes keeping the cat out of the bedrooms would probably do it. I would also try to put DD to bed earlier or at least show that I am making the effort to do so. I would not stay in a house that lets any animals in the bedrooms, even kitchens and living rooms makes me feel queasy - the only reason I raise it is to say that some people feel that way, it really is not normal to have animals inside. If I had animals inside I would put them outside or some separate in the house if I had guests, it is just politeness.
Totallydefeated · 02/11/2021 21:33

@Loudina

PIL arrived to stay for a week on Friday. Thus far I've been criticised for the following things:
  • DD (6) goes to bed too late (8pm)
  • we eat too late (6pm)
  • DD should not be allowed to watch TV after 5 as that's TV time for grown ups
  • DD talks too much and should be told to be quiet more
  • our cat shouldn't be allowed in any of the bedrooms (I keep him out of the guest room because I know PIL don't like him) but apparently it is disgusting I let him in DD's room or our room
  • I spend too much time cooking and why don't I just make easy meals
  • we eat too much pasta and rice and why can't we just have some meat and veg
  • our Halloween decorations from Sunday still haven't been taken down
  • we spend too much time on food and why do we shop at sainsbury's when Aldi is so much cheaper
  • we should not drink full fat milk, only skimmed (I bought skimmed milk specially for them)

Driving me crackers. DH is at work when I expressly asked him to take time off. Apparently he didn't ask in time. I'm sure he did it on purpose but apparently I can't complain as I was happy to have them to stay. So tempted to just go out on my own tonight and leave them all to it.

I’m normally all about making allowances for family, but fuck me, they are taking the absolute piss. Who do they think they are?

Send them packing.

Sparkletastic · 02/11/2021 21:34

It is normal to have animals inside and has been for thousands of years.

Igfdyjxzyjkv · 02/11/2021 21:34

Ps the thing about not talking is just weird and shows their age but I would never complain about them saying it. But if they told her to stop talking I would gently intervene and escalate from there. Does she often interrupt? Allowing kids to derail conversation is something the older generation can struggle with, so if that is an issue, I would gently say to her PIL and mummy are speaking, please wait or similar., not a bad habit anyway.

6.30 is too early for bed but maybe get her to start making a move around 7 ish and read her some more books

Wallywobbles · 02/11/2021 21:34

@Igfdyjxzyjkv Please don't ever get any pets. You are completely off base with your remarks.

Loudina · 02/11/2021 21:35

If I had animals inside I would put them outside or some separate in the house if I had guests, it is just politeness.

He is an indoor only cat as he is blind, and if I put him in the kitchen he would scratch at the door to be let out. It would be cruel. They know we have a cat.

OP posts:
Sunshinegirl82 · 02/11/2021 21:36

@Igfdyjxzyjkv

The cat is a member of the household. If you feel "queasy" at the idea of a cat inside a house (which is frankly, quite weird) then you need to not visit that house. Quite simple really isn't it?

Loudina · 02/11/2021 21:36

Does she often interrupt?

Sometimes, as most kids do, but I ALWAYS correct her when she does that and I don't let her derail a conversation I'm already having.

PIL interrupt her frequently, however.

OP posts:
Igfdyjxzyjkv · 02/11/2021 21:37

[quote Wallywobbles]@Igfdyjxzyjkv Please don't ever get any pets. You are completely off base with your remarks. [/quote]
I have had many pets thanks but animals are for outside.