I want to go to work and never come back

[Sickit]

I feel like I've made a huge mistake with my life. I have a nice house, lovely husband and 2 beautiful children but I hate the drudgery and tedium of it all. I'm awake at 5.30am by one of the kids, get them ready, get them to nursery/ school, go to work (which feels like a break), do the pick up, make them dinner, read with them, get them to bed, tidy up make DH and I dinner, do housework. I'm on the go 5.30am-9pm. I hate hate hate it. My house is always a mess, the laundry basket is like the never ending fucking porridge pot. I could cry. I feel like having kids was a huge mistake - I get no pleasure from them, just stress and extra housework.

I went on holiday about a month ago, with a friend no kids. Didn't miss DH or the kids at all. Thought I'd get home refreshed and feeling better but it just made me realise how much I hate it all. With-in hours I had that tight hot ball of stress and resentment in my stomach, it's just constantly there.

I just want to go to work and never come back. I feel like I've just made such a huge, irreversible decision that's so completely wrong for me.

To preempt a few questions:

• why did you have kids? Because I didn't know I'd feel this way. I thought I'd love being a mum. I intended to go back part time or not at all, thought I'd adore it. Was told it's sooo rewarding (feel I've been lied to, I get no reward or joy).

• why did you have a 2nd? Contraception failure and DH begged me not to have the planned abortion

• does your DH pull his weight? Yes (see above re me going on holiday) but he work longer hours (contracted), has longer commute which is by train so less flexibility, we only have 1 car and school is over 4 miles away so there's significant practical considerations. He's fairly good with housework but on a very different schedule to me and I find it stressful- I like stuff done before I can relax, he likes to have a rest and relax before getting on with stuff.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I don't want to feel this way, this isn't the mum my kids deserve but I just hate it all so much.

I hate to be dr google. If you're NHS you'll have considered this. Do you think there is a MH element here?

It sounds like you’re living to work not working to live and everything else is just getting in the way.

Parenting young children is tedious at times but I think you sound depressed.

I think working ft must be a killer. I don't know how mums do it with young kids. I hated the idea of giving up work (my plan) but I was so stifled by being a SAHM, I went back to work 2 days a week. Could you consider this? It saved my sanity. I went from being bored to tears and resentful at home, to loving every minute of my days at home and my 2 days at work. Too much of either one would have broken me.

I also can't make a regular commitment as DH can't guarantee that he can be home at a specific time.

Ah…. so the guy who is pulling his weight actually is often doing overtime and is leaving you deal with the dcs on your own.
And then expects you to cook dinner for the two of you?

I do adore my kids and I do get a lot of joy from them but god am I tired, stressed and bored sometimes, so I really do empathise there. I am exhausted all the time and never get a break! And I work part time. God knows how you do it full time. I think I'd just collapse. I'm the opposite though. If I could afford to I'd Jack in work.

No words of advice I'm afraid just I do empathise with the mum exhaustion and tedium.

Is your DU looking for new jobs closer to home with more flexible working?

If not, why not?

Also noticed that your DH was insistant than you kept the second child when you didn’t want another one.

At that time, did he suggest any ways that you would manage with two dcs? What was the plan then?

@TravelLost, I so much wish you were right, but more often than not, the father continues to be a flakey parent while the mum becomes the primary carer, and takes 90 of the responsibility if raising the kids and that is if the dad stays in touch.

The amount of dads who stop regular contact with their kids by the end of the second year of the split is staggering. (Last time I checked was 50% but that was a long while ago)

Not everyone turns out to be a parent. It's not at all uncommon for people to prefer the rewards of respect and pay that they get from work. It's effort equals reward much more than the repetitive nature of supporting others lives.

Only a small thing but made a difference for me- I had a stage where I completely gave up cooking. All meals were ones I 'assembled'. So jacket potato, ready grated cheese and beans. Pizza and salad, boiled or poached eggs on toast, ready cooked chicken etc. Once a week we had kids ready meals from m&s.

When my DC were Primary age they actually preferred raw veg so served everything with eg. carrot and cucumber sticks, cherry tomatoes etc. Occasionally had those microwave bags of mixed veg for a change but they didn't like those so much.

If I was having a really tough week (DH worked away a lot) I've even used paper plates and juice boxes but I realise that's not particularly responsible environmentally speaking (it was a good few years ago)

It just took one bit of mental load out of my head and stopped that awful feeling of having to 'start' as soon as I got in when everyone's tired.

I dont think theres a solution OP, you can't turn the clock back and all the logistical solutions you're being offered may help, but as a PP said, it's missing the point. Basically, you need regular, immovable pockets of time where you can just be your old self. How could you do this? Sounds like you and DH have weekends off together so could it be as simple as a weekend on, a weekend off?

Re: DH not being able to commit to being home at a particular time, didn’t you say he does that one night a week for your child’s hobby? But he couldn’t do it for yours?

I also agree with a PP that heads of IT do not need to ‘make time up’ when they are late in the morning if they are regularly pulling later hours when necessary, and they also typically can work from home. He’s in IT. He should be able to figure out remote access.

What about upping sticks OP to a cheaper area where your income might stretch a little further and you’d have a smaller mortgage? The kids are young, NHS is highly transferable. There could be other areas of the country where you get a higher overall quality of life with the little spare time that you have…..
I think you’ve been v brave btw for speaking up and being honest about how you feel. Saying you hate being a mum is a tough line to say on mumsnet and I admire that honesty OP. You’re clearly stuck between a rock and a hard place. My DC are adult and I can tell you 3 and 6 is a tough time ……the request and demand count is constant at that age. But have faith that it gets easier. Nobody died of sleeping in a bed that been changed once a month!

You might find these articles/threads on "living together apart" interesting. You could have your own place but stay married to your husband.... It's a thing, I didn't realise it had a name even though it's what I'm doing.
www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/relationship-advice-and-romance/10003381/Divided-we-stand-committed-couples-who-live-apart.html
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3042320-To-think-being-together-but-living-apart-is-the-future
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4301596-living-apart-together-with-children

Another (counter-intuitive) option - get a job with longer hours, make work your thing fully and DH will have to step up/change his job to fill the gap. Does he earn more than you, and if so, can you deploy your skills in another job that bridges that gap and keeps you out of the house most nights? Nothing wrong with wanting to stay at work to avoid the drudgery of the nightly routine. Men have done it for millennia!

[quote GrandmasCat]@TravelLost, I so much wish you were right, but more often than not, the father continues to be a flakey parent while the mum becomes the primary carer, and takes 90 of the responsibility if raising the kids and that is if the dad stays in touch.

The amount of dads who stop regular contact with their kids by the end of the second year of the split is staggering. (Last time I checked was 50% but that was a long while ago)[/quote]
Oh I know @GrandmasCat. I’m well aware about it.

But this would be a nice opening for a conversation. How would the DH cope if he was in that situation? If he could find a way to make it work, why can’t he do it now?

Sometimes, it’s matter of perspective. Impossible to do whilst i know that I actually a back up to fall onto (never mid said back up has enough or is struggling). And suddenly totally ok to do (even if a struggle sometimes) when you have no other choice…

OP it will improve - single mum here who used to get up dress semi feed nursery work pick up home feed them sort for the morning put them to bed and if I was lucky sat down for a pee about 1930.
Would fall asleep on the sofa still dressed in my coat and wake up at 0230 on some occasions feeling dreadful.
Did not go clothes shopping for 4 years! ( Ex was an absolute waste of space for a year before he left - affair and then after he left - for a further 3 years!

Somewhere around ages 7-8 life started to get easier and I felt more human . Now 11 and 13 - I have a semblance of my own life. It was relentless though for many years and I was an automaton.

Don't give up - small steps and give yourself time - took me a long time to realise that 30 mins here and there was gold dust and essential for my sanity. You can do it - you need to be selfish aswell.

I’d seriously consider some anti anxiety tools for this stomach knot you describe. Get the Headspace App. You need something that will enable you to know the challenges are there but be able to step back a bit.

It’s the phrase ‘I get no pleasure from them’ that makes me feel you are depressed or still suffering from after effects of undiagnosed Postnatal depression from DS1.

One of the questions used to diagnose low mood is on wether you get pleasure in every day activities.

I disagree that depression isn’t situational. If the way you are feeling revolves around your home life then it would make sense that you feel better when you are out of that situation especially if you are in an environment that represents the alternative life you feel you could have.

Your work may be very important to you but it is not your life. Even if you left to concentrate on this you would still need to have some kind of existence outside of the office or time alone without friends. I think you would still need to get some counselling to address the underlying triggers for how you feel before you would be able to fully enjoy this other life.

@Mellowfruitfulnessy

Have you talked to your partner about how you feel? You don’t seem to have answered that point.

Counselling can be really helpful. Especially if you are NHS - you may be carrying all sorts of trauma after this last couple of years, never mind anything else.

Yes I have. He suggests a hobby, but nothing I want to do will fit with our working hours, they're all 6.30 starts which isn't feasible for either of us.

One of the questions used to diagnose low mood is on wether you get pleasure in every day activities. I get pleasure in everyday activities, but very rarely from my children.

You also need a few kind ideally shambolic friends OP. I’ve had serious MH challenges with both of my adult DC and having mates that have similar and get it has helped me sooo much.

I absolutely get your frustration that so many things seem immovable and I think it’s probably true that you’ve simplified/outsourced as much as you can reasonably do without leaving your job to spend more time at the (apparent) source of your misery.

So therefore this is an issue of your DH’s job/employer/commute.

If he could get the early train then some things would be better.

Mothers routinely have to make themselves be that asshole who leaves on time for that train.

Fine, his company/role means he “has” to stay. But remote work is a thing. Making up hours at home flexibly is a thing. This is especially true got IT. His company can adjust to his need for his hours to be altered - but only if he insists.

You are probably dealing with some unresolved resentment or trauma from the pregnancy with DC2 you weren’t sure should have continued. Your DH was very instrumental in that decision and he needs to help you now. You should think about some counselling.

I don’t believe you don’t enjoy your children.

You don’t enjoy the burden of responsibility being relentlessly on you.

This is so relatable, don't be so hard on yourself op, you are doing better than you feel and are exactly the right mother for your children. Raising a family is repetitive, thankless and monotonous, with a few joyful moments. It's definitely not what we are led to believe before you have children.

But this would be a nice opening for a conversation. How would the DH cope if he was in that situation? If he could find a way to make it work, why can’t he do it now?

I know what you're saying, but he do shorter days when he had the kids and longer days when I did. We did it during covid, and there was limited childcare. It doesn't really help much though.