I want to go to work and never come back

[Sickit]

I feel like I've made a huge mistake with my life. I have a nice house, lovely husband and 2 beautiful children but I hate the drudgery and tedium of it all. I'm awake at 5.30am by one of the kids, get them ready, get them to nursery/ school, go to work (which feels like a break), do the pick up, make them dinner, read with them, get them to bed, tidy up make DH and I dinner, do housework. I'm on the go 5.30am-9pm. I hate hate hate it. My house is always a mess, the laundry basket is like the never ending fucking porridge pot. I could cry. I feel like having kids was a huge mistake - I get no pleasure from them, just stress and extra housework.

I went on holiday about a month ago, with a friend no kids. Didn't miss DH or the kids at all. Thought I'd get home refreshed and feeling better but it just made me realise how much I hate it all. With-in hours I had that tight hot ball of stress and resentment in my stomach, it's just constantly there.

I just want to go to work and never come back. I feel like I've just made such a huge, irreversible decision that's so completely wrong for me.

To preempt a few questions:

• why did you have kids? Because I didn't know I'd feel this way. I thought I'd love being a mum. I intended to go back part time or not at all, thought I'd adore it. Was told it's sooo rewarding (feel I've been lied to, I get no reward or joy).

• why did you have a 2nd? Contraception failure and DH begged me not to have the planned abortion

• does your DH pull his weight? Yes (see above re me going on holiday) but he work longer hours (contracted), has longer commute which is by train so less flexibility, we only have 1 car and school is over 4 miles away so there's significant practical considerations. He's fairly good with housework but on a very different schedule to me and I find it stressful- I like stuff done before I can relax, he likes to have a rest and relax before getting on with stuff.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I don't want to feel this way, this isn't the mum my kids deserve but I just hate it all so much.

@noirchatsdeux as simple as it may sound, many people don’t enjoy parenthood but that doesn’t mean they should walk out on their kids.

Walk out completely, of course not (although plenty of fathers do). Cut the amount of time spent with them to 50%, why not? I know for a fact my mother would have been far happier if she'd had a lot more time to herself.

Another solution (and one my parents considered but didn't go ahead with because they were skinflints) is wait until they are old enough and put them in boarding school. I wish to God my parents had.

You need a change of mindset and mix up the evening routine with the kids. Do fun things to create memories and engage with them. You have no choice so throw yourself into it

What about weekends OP?

He suggests a hobby, but nothing I want to do will fit with our working hours, they're all 6.30 starts which isn't feasible for either of us.

You don’t need a hobby.

You need breathing space and his hours and commute are the issue here.

He needs to want to be the solution and you need to insist.

OP
But when you were away, he was fine with housework and children?

To me, that says he can do a lot more even with longer days.

he's got to do what many of us do - get home, quick wash, change into comfy clothes and straight into childcare or chores.

You say he picks up dinner en route home but you say you cook twice. Shouldn't he maybe do online supermarket shop, batch cook at weekend? Couldn't he get microwave meals? Not ideal but something has to give. It seems like you do everything.

We just ordered a load of meals from Cook for the freezer.

Can you send the laundry out? Or, We know a couple of people with cleaners who stick the laundry on at the start, clean including changing beds, then hang up laundry.

Is your DH dealing with that porridge pot at all?

There are a few practical changes I would be making immediately in your position. I would tell my husband I can't go on like this...

1. Get up at 6.30 or 7am. Bribe/tell children to stay in room til their alarm goes off, reward this. No way under any circumstance do I start my day before 7 unless my life was at risk or something...

1. Get your cleaner to do bedding, rotate every two weeks, teach them where washing is etc. Get another 2 hours a week for that, mine have done washing/bedding before.

1. One meal each evening, cooked for kids, you lot eat later. Of course if you are up at 5.30am you can't be cooking at 7.30pm, it's 14 hours later after a busy day!!! You say the kids only eat sandwiches, but the brain energy of getting the right stuff in, prepping them, then sitting down and realising you have to do the whole darn feeding thing again, definitely too draining. Twice a week get takeaway/already prepped meals/bagged salad and pre-prepped chicken. Meal standards drop, husband needs to step up here as well.

1. You need time on your own on weekends. Your husband can take out both kids on his own on Saturdays for a few weeks. Yes, he can. Mine did when I had to write my PhD and I did the same for him when his work was crazy. We did not prioritize 'family time' when the kids were tiny as 'family time' meant everyone was knackered. We prioritized letting each parent have a break! We also had a two hour 'nap' on Sundays for everyone, kids, us, we called it 'quiet time' and the children slept and when they got too old to sleep, they used to read/watch a quiet movie. We slept, occasionally something more fun.

I did use to think I'd be the type of family who loved spending all our time together, but in the end, we found taking one child each or taking both kids and giving the other parent a break worked better for us. It gave us an easier life rather than all four of us trudging around getting more and more knackered. Do what works, not what you think you should do.

You are too tired to enjoy your children, and I would be if I had your schedule!

Its all a massive con, the whole marriage and kids thing. I don't know why people keep falling for it year after year.
My DS and DiL have no intention of having kids, they like animals and have lots of those and do what the hell they want.
I coped with motherhood because I only had one and he was very well behaved otherwise I'd have gone loco. Being a single parent was great too because I couldn't cope with anyone elses needs other than me and DS.
Luckily I could afford to be a single mum. But men never worked out, they always just pissed me off.
I don't know how old they are but it is so much better when they are older. From about 5 DS didn't wake me up early he just went downstairs and watched cartoons until I was awake and helped himself to cereal.

Perhaps 5.30 he gets up with the DC and you get your hour to yourself even if it's going for a short drive and sitting listening to music or going for a short walk.

Your dc are 6 and 3.

In a couple of years life will be very different, they will become more and more independent and (dare I say it) interesting.

Hang in there.

Or you eat with the DC (or not) he comes home and you walk out the door for a mental break and some exercise like he gets on his commute.

A practical and easy step to implement:

You do 4/5 of pick-ups, so he does 4/5 of mornings. Fuck that taking it in turns in the morning shit.

He suggests a hobby, but nothing I want to do will fit with our working hours, they're all 6.30 starts which isn't feasible for either of us.

So his suggestion is totally unhelpful. The more you post about him the more I think you have a dh problem. If he was doing his fair share, you may not feel as you do about the children.

When I’ve ever been very unhappy, which I have on several occasions in our marriage, my dh has been instrumental in helping and encouraging me to get happy again, which included him changing things in his life to help me. Your H really needs to step up to support you, if he won’t then I’d think separation would be your only option.

I would suggest going on a 4 day week at work or a 9 day fortnight. Use this day as a personal day, whether to go for a long walk, look round the shops or just relax at home and read a book. Keep your chilcare in place for this day. Don't broadcast that you are 'off'.

I have tweens, worked full time and felt time off at the weekends was ad hoc and not protected. This saved my sanity. I did no housework on my day off, I don't even bother telling anyone I am off half the time. If I do tell, I have to do errands. I don't mind doing errands for me and dcs, but I am not taking the pay hit todo errands for dh/dm.

[quote noirchatsdeux]**@noirchatsdeux as simple as it may sound, many people don’t enjoy parenthood but that doesn’t mean they should walk out on their kids.

Walk out completely, of course not (although plenty of fathers do). Cut the amount of time spent with them to 50%, why not? I know for a fact my mother would have been far happier if she'd had a lot more time to herself.

Another solution (and one my parents considered but didn't go ahead with because they were skinflints) is wait until they are old enough and put them in boarding school. I wish to God my parents had.[/quote]
Exactly, that’s my point, you split and then gradually you find dad is even doing less than ever did and mum doing literally everything that dad no longer does in the few hours he has the children with him.

At least he is present at the moment.

Having said that… if she is already doing everything, dropping off the adult child (dad) is actually a massive help.

@HaveringWavering

On the one hand you say that your DH can’t just leave work when he “finishes”. But you also say that if he arrives later in the morning he “has to make the time up”. Those are two different types of jobs you are describing there- the clock in clock out measured by hours type and the senior professional “work the hours needed to get the job done”. Which is it? You also say he is the Head of IT in his company. So surely he has a team to delegate to? And who is telling him to “make up the hours”? Can’t he leave earlier but still be available from home/by mobile to troubleshoot? To be ho way he sounds like he’s being a bit of a doormat at work/deliberately stringing out the time to dodge the evening routine. And why are you cooking his dinner every night? Why is he not making your dinner if you are the one settling the kids to bed?

What is going on between 5.30 am and when you leave for work at 8? A 3 year old should understand a Gro clock, or can you put a gate on his/her bedroom door?

I don't want to be too outing but he's a technical architect drawing up a new IT structure for the company, it's not something that can be delighted, he has people that build what he designs but no-one else can design it. The company he works for is old school, clocking in and out machines etc. It's a strange mix! Very old meets new. They're working on changing things but it's a softly softly approach - DHs team generally have better T&C's than he does as he's helped shape them.

Saying I cook dinner is over egging it a bit. I reheat something or layout the plates for the take away!

I think there’s a lot of DH bashing on this thread when it seems like the OP has made it reasonably clear her DH is pulling his weight. I think.

I also find it strange that people cannot seem to understand that in some jobs you can’t ‘up and leave at 5 pm’ It’s just not possible.

Like many have said OP it’s brave to say out loud how you feel, and it’s healthy and a good first step ..many of us have had times when we felt like this especially in the primary years.

I wonder if you would benefit from a full health check though and also an appointment with a counsellor just to talk it through. Do you have an EAP through work or even occupational health?

There are parts of this that really stand out.
You wish you hadn't had children, you openly resent them and wish you could see them
Less. You wish you could be with DH without the children around. You get no joy from them.

Op, do you like your children?
If someone offered to take them and you'd never have to see them again, would you go along with that?

I agree it's refreshing to see women admit it's not all it's meant to be, but this is beyond that and is concerning. I may be in a minority but I do think you should speak with someone.

Get a housekeeper ewho does do laundry, tidy up, put clothes away or change bedding.
Get a second car.
See a counsellor to work put what you want next year in five in ten

He needs to advocate for his own rights, because his wife needs him to.

Is his team more important than you? Is his job more important than the balance of your life?

What do you see is the solution OP?

Do you see a point in the future when your feelings towards your children/home life might improve and how that might come about ?

@LizzieSiddal

He suggests a hobby, but nothing I want to do will fit with our working hours, they're all 6.30 starts which isn't feasible for either of us.

So his suggestion is totally unhelpful. The more you post about him the more I think you have a dh problem. If he was doing his fair share, you may not feel as you do about the children.

When I’ve ever been very unhappy, which I have on several occasions in our marriage, my dh has been instrumental in helping and encouraging me to get happy again, which included him changing things in his life to help me. Your H really needs to step up to support you, if he won’t then I’d think separation would be your only option.

We're already doing taking it in turns getting up with the kids (including lie ins at the weekend). He does take the kids out in the day to give me a break, takes them to parties, on playdates etc.

Yes, but cooking/reheating/prepping food, deciding what to have twice in the evenings, is mental energy! You have to make lots of decisions when you are very tired. That's why people are suggesting one meal, for everyone, easy-peasy or take-away half the time. Just to lighten the metal load.

You seem convinced nothing can change, but honestly your timetable is relentless from where I'm sitting, I simply couldn't start at 5.30am and be faffing around reheating food at 7,30 or later then doing housework til 9, my house may have been a bit dusty (ahem) but your schedule is really punishing and sucking all the joy out of time with your kids (as they are just part of the schedule) so wouldn't it be worth making a few changes, starting with their early mornings (let them wake at 5.30, stay in their rooms and be rewarded for quietness til 7am! Groclocks!)

So, a few thoughts:

1. is there a location you could move to that would make your commutes more equal or swapping which one of you gets the train? Even if that meant downsizing would that help you? Or could your partner change jobs to be located nearer home or even working from home? I suspect if you quite frankly told him how you felt and that your marriage was on the line if things stayed as they are that he might well consider this option.

2. could the kids schools/childcare be moved to somewhere he can drop them off at on the way to the station?

3. I respect that you get no joy from time with your children despite clearly still loving them. I do, however, think that counselling would help you come to terms with that and find coping mechanisms.

Polyamory? A nice sister wife to take up the slack?