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To think being together but living apart is the future

(122 Posts)
splendidisolation Sun 24-Sep-17 15:46:24

Just read this Guardian article: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/sep/23/never-lived-together-married-couples-live-apart

" ‘We have never lived together. Is that so strange?’: the married couples who live apart

They’ve been married for 25 years, and raised twins – but have never lived in the same house. Is this the secret to long-term happiness?"

Any thoughts? Experiences?

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface Sun 24-Sep-17 15:47:58

Not sure.

Some of us can't get lids off jars and need a live in man.

Can see it's benefits though.

Userwhocouldntthinkofagoodname Sun 24-Sep-17 15:49:45

Where can I get me one of these? Sounds like heaven.

PurpleDaisies Sun 24-Sep-17 15:49:57

No. I don't see the point in living apart.

BubbleAnimal Sun 24-Sep-17 15:51:54

DP and I are becoming a longer term not living together couple. We've been together 4.5 years, but have separate houses, and plan to keep it that way for a few more years yet. I have children, he has a child, it is easier to live apart, and we see/speak to each other more than some of our living together friends.

It's nicknamed LATs or similar isn't it? Living apart togethers

4yoniD Sun 24-Sep-17 15:51:56

Sounds expensive, running two houses instead of one.

Elendon Sun 24-Sep-17 15:52:13

I like the idea. I'm never going to full time live with a man ever again. But I wouldn't mind some 'benefits' and I suspect neither would he, if he ever comes along. Obviously living together means less in terms of outlay, but for peace of mind, I like my independence.

I've known several couples who have done this, albeit without raising children. Hats off to them, I say.

donajimena Sun 24-Sep-17 15:52:16

I don't know but it sure sounds appealing! I don't live with my OH and we won't until the children are through education but I really enjoy it when he's around. I enjoy it just as much when he isn't. My ideal solution would be a house with an annexe!
Things like bedtime. I like to read. He likes to watch TV.
Then there is getting up. I'm up at 6 and feel like I have to creep around because he likes a lie in. I wonder if having spent so much time living alone I'm too set in my ways! smile

NearLifeExperience Sun 24-Sep-17 15:52:31

Yes, so we'll need twice as much housing as before. Which is fine, because we've got plenty.
Oh wait.

splendidisolation Sun 24-Sep-17 15:52:52

PurpleDaisies me and my DP are planning on it for early next year simply because I want to live in the city and him the countryside. We'll be a 30/40min drive apart so plan on spending 4 nights a week together.

The point is to enjoy being in a relationship with the person you love but keeping your independence and space and not having to make compromises in which one of you has to make a very big sacrifice (location).

HateSummer Sun 24-Sep-17 15:56:45

I couldn't do it. Where would I put my things? How would my children feel not having their parents with them in the house together all the time? Weird

donajimena Sun 24-Sep-17 16:03:38

Near I wouldn't live with someone out of a moral obligation to free up housing stock! That being said its not as if we are going from one house to two as some couples are.

Babyroobs Sun 24-Sep-17 16:04:50

I expect that will cost the government an awful lot more with people claiming child tax credits as a single person ??

NameChanger22 Sun 24-Sep-17 16:06:02

Well, the only way I would ever consider dating a man again would be with this kind of arrangement. Even then, probably not.

silverbell64 Sun 24-Sep-17 16:08:07

As a singleton myself and over 50 this is exactly what I'd do. Personally I would never live with a man again. I love my space far too much now DS has more or less flown the nest.

However for younger couples who want to/or have small kids it seems a bit impractical and expensive.

splendidisolation Sun 24-Sep-17 16:10:03

I have no idea how it would work if you added kids to the mix!

Love the moral angle some posters are taking, the grave concern for housing stock. I presume you've also made the selfless decision to not bring children into the world due to the ethical complexities of adding unnecessary pressure to an overly crowded, underfed and rapidly overheating planet?

allthingsred Sun 24-Sep-17 16:11:54

I have friends that have this type of relationship.
They have children together who live with their mom. While their dad lives 10 mins away.
It absolutely works for them.
Tbh I've known the guy for 15 years & he is lovely but would be a nightmare to live with as he's so set in his ways.
They are happy,kids are happy & that's what's important

FinallyHere Sun 24-Sep-17 16:12:45

This is my absolute ideal.

I don't really have many belongings and like to travel light. An iPad, a toothbrush and I am good to go. DH has collections .... and says he likes sharing a home.

When we first got together, we never, and i mean never had any arguments. In retrospect, I see that in his place, we followed his rules (loo seat up and other essentials), in my place down. It seemed as if we were perfect for each other. When we finally (sic) moved in together, nearly ten years into the relationship, it seemed all we did was disagree. He was travelling a lot, i tried to get one major job done in the (new, joint) house, every time he was away. Eventually, he said how he hated that every time he came 'home' something was different.

It's settled down now, fifteen years on, but now my ideal would be a joining flats. Not to far to go for the fresh milk, but each having our own space, where what we say goes, rather than having to negotiate and compromise on everything.

Certainly would never share a house again, with anyone else. Sigh.

Motoko Sun 24-Sep-17 16:19:42

I wonder how it works if you have children together. Would they live part time at mum's, the rest at dad's? I suppose it would be like couples who split up and share the care, but if mum's breastfeeding, the baby days will be harder on her than her partner.

Also, as PPs mentioned, you've got twice the living costs, although would be eligible for single person's council tax discount.

I can see the appeal though. No having to compromise on things like decor, style of house, and area. And having space to yourself, not having to put up with the TV being on when you want to listen to the radio, or sit quietly, etc.

Not sure I'd fancy it though. Even after being together for 18 years, I do enjoy spending time with my husband. He's at work all day, so we only have the weekends and evenings to spend time together.

BubbleAnimal Sun 24-Sep-17 16:31:47

I think with us being a second relationship, and not having children together it helps. I can't imagine living separately but together with the father of my children I admit.

Re. The expense of two houses - tbh it's not a huge deal. We are both used to our own costs, and to live together we would have to move to a shitty area to afford a house big enough (SE) and don't want to

We both have a lot of stuff. With no kids around, this will be fine. But with kids as well, we would go mad. So it's another 5+ years for us I would imagine.

Elendon Sun 24-Sep-17 16:32:47

The people I know who do this had been together later in life. I can see no reason why you wouldn't do it if you did want children either. After all, it's what they know from the start. It would be, actually, a rather lovely and ideal situation I think. would have loved this as a child myself

SlothMama Sun 24-Sep-17 16:40:39

To me unless you have children from previous partners then I find the whole idea strange. If you can't live with them then why are you with them?

EnormousDormouse Sun 24-Sep-17 16:43:38

I live on a different continent from DP.
His kids are grown, I don't have any and it works for us. I bloody love living on my own for part of the year and equally enjoy going back to the UK for the school holidays. For me it's the best of both worlds.

chitofftheshovel Sun 24-Sep-17 16:51:57

This is my absolute ideal. I just cannot imagine living with another adult again. I've become set in my ways, for sure. But would also like a relationship at some point.

Birdsgottafly Sun 24-Sep-17 16:56:31

"If you can't live with them then why are you with them?"

You can still love someone and be fine with living apart, it depends on your personality. In a way you don't take each other for granted and make sure that you make time for each other. People I know who live apart have more 'date' type nights out, regardless of how busy they are. They make time for sex, as well.

My Dad was in the Merchant Navy, as were a lot of Men from my City, the Women coped and were happy with them being away for weeks at a time, even though they had multiple children. Likewise with Forces/rig workers etc, Wives.

I'm Widowed (12 years). I never want to live with someone again. I had a six year partnership, it suited us fine.

I think this trend is one definately on the increase for the over 40's.

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