I want to go to work and never come back

[Sickit]

I feel like I've made a huge mistake with my life. I have a nice house, lovely husband and 2 beautiful children but I hate the drudgery and tedium of it all. I'm awake at 5.30am by one of the kids, get them ready, get them to nursery/ school, go to work (which feels like a break), do the pick up, make them dinner, read with them, get them to bed, tidy up make DH and I dinner, do housework. I'm on the go 5.30am-9pm. I hate hate hate it. My house is always a mess, the laundry basket is like the never ending fucking porridge pot. I could cry. I feel like having kids was a huge mistake - I get no pleasure from them, just stress and extra housework.

I went on holiday about a month ago, with a friend no kids. Didn't miss DH or the kids at all. Thought I'd get home refreshed and feeling better but it just made me realise how much I hate it all. With-in hours I had that tight hot ball of stress and resentment in my stomach, it's just constantly there.

I just want to go to work and never come back. I feel like I've just made such a huge, irreversible decision that's so completely wrong for me.

To preempt a few questions:

• why did you have kids? Because I didn't know I'd feel this way. I thought I'd love being a mum. I intended to go back part time or not at all, thought I'd adore it. Was told it's sooo rewarding (feel I've been lied to, I get no reward or joy).

• why did you have a 2nd? Contraception failure and DH begged me not to have the planned abortion

• does your DH pull his weight? Yes (see above re me going on holiday) but he work longer hours (contracted), has longer commute which is by train so less flexibility, we only have 1 car and school is over 4 miles away so there's significant practical considerations. He's fairly good with housework but on a very different schedule to me and I find it stressful- I like stuff done before I can relax, he likes to have a rest and relax before getting on with stuff.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I don't want to feel this way, this isn't the mum my kids deserve but I just hate it all so much.

@Rainbowqueeen

Nanny as childcare instead of nursery? So they do school run,baths, kids laundry and reading and feed kids I’d look into that seriously.

I have and we can't afford it unfortunately.

Have you talked to your partner about how you feel? You don’t seem to have answered that point.

Counselling can be really helpful. Especially if you are NHS - you may be carrying all sorts of trauma after this last couple of years, never mind anything else.

I have the same age kids, same work demands and my eldest is such a handful I have to tread on eggshells around him. It’s really hard. I do t have any tips except I find mine don’t really need a big meal when they get in from nursery/after school club - they have a big meal at lunch and then late afternoon snacks/tea so all I give them is porridge or cereal/toast. Then they watch TV for 30 mins and up for bath or shower at 6.30. It never quite runs smoothly but that bit doesn’t feel too hard; the hardest is the morning with my 3 yr old often stropping and both banging on about snacks and why they don’t want this thing because they had it fucking yesterday.

@Horriblewoman

This is going to be entirely unhelpful but we're currently deciding whether we should try for children and my massive concern is that I'd feel exactly like you do. I'm absolutely sure you're not alone in feeling this way.

For me I don't know if I want children, I think if I do it'll only be one. I know I won't cope with more than that

Are you an organised person? I literally lay the uniforms drinks bottles etc out the night before, maximum prep for whatever we are doing.
But I get it I can’t relax until everything is done and my partner doesn’t know the half of what gets done around the house each week.
You’re actually doing great with 2 small children and a full time job. I think it the thought that nothing might change here that is the killer, sounds like you and your partner are a pretty good team and better times will come

If you are both working FT in senior roles, why aren't you chucking more money at the problem? Up your cleaner to twice a week and include laundry & bedding duties; find a food delivery service that will include quality cooked meals that will feed the whole family. There's 2 days a week you can walk in and not have to do chores. In your position I'd be looking to move somewhere that could accommodate a live-in nanny/housekeeper.

I also know you don't want to reduce your hours as you love your job, but I do think you need a life outside home/work. Do you socialise much? Do you have girlfriend(s) you can go out and off-load to? Do you exercise?

Why can't some of the women here just accept that the OP hates being a mother? I'm not saying she hates her kids (I'm sure she doesn't) she just isn't getting any sort of happiness from being a mother. It happens.

All this talk of cutting hours - the OP wants less time with her children, not more. So divorcing and going 50/50 is probably the only way she will be able to achieve it. I'm sure it's be done before, be better for everyone if more parents admit it.

@RandomMess

What does your DH do on his commute? It sounds like he gets 2 x 30 minute train journeys when he can listen to music/podcasts. Not listen to DC or work - bliss to the brain. That is something you are not getting.

Definitely. He gets exercise (the walk either end), time to read his phone or listen to pod casts. Time I don't get.

Op big sympathies. I won't offer you any more suggestions as there have been so many great practical ideas here. Some may work many probably won't or you've tried it already.

Working ft is hard
Being a parent is hard
Having young children of those ages is hard. 6 really needs your help and can't do things with the little one unsupervised yet. 3 year olds are 3. Less said the better!,

All those together are bloody hard. I've been there wanting to feel refreshed after a break, but end up with the knot you mention. I find 'proper' time off actually makes it worse tbh. It creates a spot light on the differences in life pre and post kids

Time is what you need. And it's about survival.

What was your upbringing like ? I ask because without a good example and model for parenting , it's even harder.

I'd suggest getting a counsellor or therapist Not because you are necessarily depressed but so you can let all this out to someone who isn't directly involved snd definitely emotional unattached. Remember it's a phase for your marriage and things will move on.

Hang in there, they get older and the things troubling you now change I promise. Other things come along but it's easier when they can walk home from school or be left alone at home for 10 mins or ok to shower alone.

Take care of yourself.

@Mellowfruitfulnessy

I’d recommend getting divorced and having 50:50 care. It’s brilliant.

Well think about it @Sickit

Atm father somehow can’t organise himself to be more bailable. Long hours, long commute blablabla.
The divorce and 50/50 with the children and suddenly … oh he manages to look after his own dcs 50% of the time. He cooks for them, does the laundry, changes the bedsheets etc..

Can’t you see?

When those men have no other choice, they CAN get organised to do more (eg pick up half of the time, do the cooking half of the time etc etc). They can even do a lot of the emotional labour.

I think you need a discussion with your DH and actually tell him what you’ve said on here. How you are at the point if wanting to just go away and not come back. How you would actually consider divorce with a 50/50 split for the dcs just to get a break.
Things are not going to magically get better with you being smarter/lowering standards etc… Youll need more than that.

And you have a cleaner too…not sure what there could be left to do if you are both doing things every night.
We spend max 1-2 hours a week on housework each or sometimes combined, have no cleaner, work extremely long hours/weekends, have no help at all from family or anyone else, and don’t feel overwhelmed with housework. Not being critical but it just doesn’t make sense what is taking so much time.

Knowing that you have a good amount of time completely childfree at the weekends really makes a huge difference to getting through the week. I feel like I get to go on holiday to my old life and old identity for 24 hours every weekend. Getting up in the morning in my own time and having a peaceful breakfast is my favourite bit even beyond going out on a weekend night. You could make this happen if you and your husband could rent another place and have two homes - this sounds extreme but it's not quite as extreme as divorce! This is my sort of odd situation - I technically split from my kids' dad but we still operate as a family unit - spend a lot of time together, are very affectionate, but have our own places. And we get our own completely free time every weekend.
Or I also second the suggestion of calling on family and friends - see who can help out during tea times and weekends with childcare. Or I also find it great just to have a friend over during tea time and bedtime sometimes - they entertain the children and help me out, and then we have a hangout once the kids are in bed. This combined with having a "mother's help" teenage babysitter that I wrote about in PP means I don't have that endless hamster wheel of drudgery.
The teatime/bedtime/tidy up routine day after day is soul destroying if you do it all on your own - I really think it would help if you could get good help during that period. Yes it wouldn't help with the existential fundamental problem that your freedom has been taken away and isn't coming back - and I'm so glad more and more women are admitting they don't enjoy motherhood for this reason - but it would definitely help with the situation that is driving the situational depression on a day to day level.

Sorry but who the hell baths their kids once a week?! That is unbelievably grim.

Btw not having any time at all for a hobby suggests a clear imbalance in your life.

Do you EVER give yourself time for yourself? Not just that one off with a friend. But time every week to escape the drudgery of being a parent? Do you look after yourself like you look after your dc (and I suspect your DH)?

I think a lot of people are missing the point.

The OP doesn't want to spend her days in the same endless drudgery day in and day out until the children have grown up because even when they reach an age where they aren't as needy physically, then they become emotionally needy and it just doesn't stop!.

She wants more time away from them so telling her to cut her hours is not going to help.

I think the suggestion of an au pair is a really good one OP. A live in au pair who will do a lot of the child related tasks WILL help and your children can learn a second language in the process.
If you don't have a spare room for an au pair, can you move house so one can be accommodated?
I'm not saying this lightly. I think you need time for you and let someone else take over the (children''s) load as much as possible?

@noirchatsdeux as simple as it may sound, many people don’t enjoy parenthood but that doesn’t mean they should walk out on their kids.

You can hate being a mother and love your children to death at the same time.

@Newmum29

Sorry but who the hell baths their kids once a week?! That is unbelievably grim.

Once is grim

Twice works..

Quick body shower on a Wednesday and a full bath and hair wash on a Saturday or Sunday. Sports or other activities obviously warrant extra washing of course.

I'm referring to kids under puberty. Then it's a DIFFERENT story.

On the one hand you say that your DH can’t just leave work when he “finishes”. But you also say that if he arrives later in the morning he “has to make the time up”. Those are two different types of jobs you are describing there- the clock in clock out measured by hours type and the senior professional “work the hours needed to get the job done”. Which is it? You also say he is the Head of IT in his company. So surely he has a team to delegate to? And who is telling him to “make up the hours”? Can’t he leave earlier but still be available from home/by mobile to troubleshoot? To be ho way he sounds like he’s being a bit of a doormat at work/deliberately stringing out the time to dodge the evening routine. And why are you cooking his dinner every night? Why is he not making your dinner if you are the one settling the kids to bed?

What is going on between 5.30 am and when you leave for work at 8? A 3 year old should understand a Gro clock, or can you put a gate on his/her bedroom door?

I love my job. I'd be even more resentful if I reduced my hours just to get stuff done!

Oh well. You make your choices. You basically have introduced two new people and their complexities and needs into your lives, don’t want to change your work hours but need to get everything done somehow. So of course it’s going to feel relentless.

@worriedmum20000

If you are both working FT in senior roles, why aren't you chucking more money at the problem? Up your cleaner to twice a week and include laundry & bedding duties; find a food delivery service that will include quality cooked meals that will feed the whole family. There's 2 days a week you can walk in and not have to do chores. In your position I'd be looking to move somewhere that could accommodate a live-in nanny/housekeeper.

I also know you don't want to reduce your hours as you love your job, but I do think you need a life outside home/work. Do you socialise much? Do you have girlfriend(s) you can go out and off-load to? Do you exercise?

By the time the kids are in bed I can't be arsed to go out. I also can't make a regular commitment as DH can't guarantee that he can be home at a specific time.

I'm NHS, so whilst senior I'm not on mega bucks plus our mortgage is high. We can up the cleaner. We can't afford a bigger house, though our current one is sizeable, it's large rooms but not loads of them. We can't afford a nanny which I think would really be the solution. Our current child care is about £1200 a month, a nanny would be double that here.

@Dhcfisssifjrsnxfjds

If you DH is already doing housework from 8-10pm a few nights a week there is something wrong. There is no way that cleaning, washing etc could not be done in 4-6 hours a week if you are already doing dinner/homework/bed time.

This is exactly what I thought tbh reading all these posts and replies. DH and I work full time. Two young DC's school age.

I have a cleaner 4 hours a week. She strips the beds every other week. DH does he washing + I do mine and we share the kids washing between us. Little and often and it's fine. I do keep 'on top of things' so try to open curtains, make the beds each morning in between the rush to get out. We always have quickly tidy before we sit down at night. Food shopping is delivered & food is quick but fresh in the week (eg Spag bol) We are both out two nights each a week with hobbies.

I am wondering if you try and do too much maybe? Do you enjoy time as a family? We try and do something at the weekend together otherwise you never enjoy stuff it's all life / family admin

@MeanMrMustardSeed

*I love my job. I'd be even more resentful if I reduced my hours just to get stuff done!*

Oh well. You make your choices. You basically have introduced two new people and their complexities and needs into your lives, don’t want to change your work hours but need to get everything done somehow. So of course it’s going to feel relentless.

Yes. I wish I hadn't.

You 100% can find a cleaner who changes beds. Every one of mine has done that.

[quote GrandmasCat]@noirchatsdeux as simple as it may sound, many people don’t enjoy parenthood but that doesn’t mean they should walk out on their kids.

You can hate being a mother and love your children to death at the same time.[/quote]
Agree. It's ok to hate it and do it at the same time.

That's life isn't it. Don't we all hate stuff and still do it a lot of the time. Parenting is a massive chore most of the time. 90 % grind 10% joy, at those ages especially