I want to go to work and never come back

[Sickit]

I feel like I've made a huge mistake with my life. I have a nice house, lovely husband and 2 beautiful children but I hate the drudgery and tedium of it all. I'm awake at 5.30am by one of the kids, get them ready, get them to nursery/ school, go to work (which feels like a break), do the pick up, make them dinner, read with them, get them to bed, tidy up make DH and I dinner, do housework. I'm on the go 5.30am-9pm. I hate hate hate it. My house is always a mess, the laundry basket is like the never ending fucking porridge pot. I could cry. I feel like having kids was a huge mistake - I get no pleasure from them, just stress and extra housework.

I went on holiday about a month ago, with a friend no kids. Didn't miss DH or the kids at all. Thought I'd get home refreshed and feeling better but it just made me realise how much I hate it all. With-in hours I had that tight hot ball of stress and resentment in my stomach, it's just constantly there.

I just want to go to work and never come back. I feel like I've just made such a huge, irreversible decision that's so completely wrong for me.

To preempt a few questions:

• why did you have kids? Because I didn't know I'd feel this way. I thought I'd love being a mum. I intended to go back part time or not at all, thought I'd adore it. Was told it's sooo rewarding (feel I've been lied to, I get no reward or joy).

• why did you have a 2nd? Contraception failure and DH begged me not to have the planned abortion

• does your DH pull his weight? Yes (see above re me going on holiday) but he work longer hours (contracted), has longer commute which is by train so less flexibility, we only have 1 car and school is over 4 miles away so there's significant practical considerations. He's fairly good with housework but on a very different schedule to me and I find it stressful- I like stuff done before I can relax, he likes to have a rest and relax before getting on with stuff.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I don't want to feel this way, this isn't the mum my kids deserve but I just hate it all so much.

Ok - practical advice, get a new cleaner who WILL do what you need , and I hope you don't take offence but I think you need antidepressants. They are helping me navigate through a tough patch and help more than I thought they would . How about a craft ? Do you have girls or boys? I enjoy making nice things for my kids and with my kids and that helps with bonding. Sorry you are feeling so low x

You need to tell us what you actually want to be doing with your free time if you want to get away from your children.

You chose to have them and it's your responsibility to raise them the way they deserve.

If you could highlight WHAT you would rather be doing then we might be able to find solutions and where you could fit it in.

girlmom21

I just don't broadcast it as I want that day free as a personal day. Dh would say, as you are off you can get food shopping, oversee house repairs etc. I would still wind up fighting for personal time. I am very quiet and wouldn't have it in me to behave like a cnut to get free time. Also arguing for my free time would take the good out of it and I would be made to feel guilty. I would have the name of free time but would only wind up with 2 personal hours that day despite taking a full day unpaid at my own expense.

By the way, I have dcs the whole time at weekends while dh is 'gardening' or doing 'outside work'. I can't shop for work clothes, underwear when I have the dcs and am doing food shopping.

@Sickit I hope you will come back to the thread. Ignore the people who haven't read it properly. It has taken a while to get to what I think is the nub of the problem.
I think you need better, more appropriate childcare, even if it costs more for a couple of years.
A bit of time for you alone to reclaim yourself, as pp have suggested.
Acknowledgement that you have effectively been forced into a situation that you knew you would find impossible to cope with.
I understand a little about this because my PIL bullied me into several situations that I found very stressful and difficult WRT the DC, then refused to help unless it was completely on their terms. DH was working very long hours and went along with it because, culturally, he did what his parents wanted and he was never around to see how difficult they made my life. For example they insisted on a nursery round the corner from their house, which meant I had to drive through heavy traffic, park on a yellow line, try to get Dc in as quick as possible while watching out for traffic wardens etc. Then they completely refused to pick up or help in any way.
Your control over your own life has been taken away and you need to get it back.
Plenty of parents use full time nannies/childminders etc. If the childcare is good enough and covers your needs the DC will be fine.
I do think that if you can pay the childminder to give the DC their evening meal that would go a long way to reduce your stress. She could even get them washed and in their PJs.
Then all you have to do is tuck them in and read a story.
Small things that can begin to make a difference.

I just don't broadcast it as I want that day free as a personal day. Dh would say, as you are off you can get food shopping, oversee house repairs etc. I would still wind up fighting for personal time.

This can so easily happen. Different circumstances but dc at pre-school and those precious half days could easily be swallowed doing supermarket shop, housework etc.

Whilst I don't regret having dcs, I can relate to the ground down feeling of a never ending to do list and just how much space they occupy both practically and emotionally. DCs don't have a grandmother or aunts etc. to turn to and I feels all the emotional stuff/life admin falls to me. I've entered therapy and it feels like a release valve to dump my own emotional stuff (of which there is a lot) and I receive some support this way as I receive very little in real life from partner and this compounds everything.

Sometimes I think about having a break and going away for a couple of weeks and how blissful it would be...but fearful I will return feeling the same as op.

OP - I completely understand. For years and years, my biggest issue with being a parent was how bloody unrelenting it was. ALL the time. Constantly. And even if I was supposed to be somewhere else relaxing, I'd be worrying about if the kids were in bed (no, not because I'm a control freak but because if they were overtired, they wouldn't sleep well and I would then have an interrupted night) etc etc. And I felt (still do sometimes) like I was always RUSHING. Rushing to get them to school. Rushing to get work done. Rushing to pick them up. Rushing to get them in bed.

First, good news: you are coming to the end of this period. Depending on your child, I think when your youngest is around 4, it starts to get better (give or take depending on how maintenance your child is).

But mostly, you need to make it so that the stuff you have to do is less unbearable.

1. Up your cleaner hours to include bedding and/or whatever else needs doing so that you don't feel like you're living in a bomb site all the time.

1. Find other forms of support. You don't mention family so assuming they're not around or helpful. For me, a trip to the park if I'm meeting another family is 500 times more enjoyable. 1000x if I like the other parent. And the kids love playing with others too. Over time, this can lead to an even better experience - eg we have developed a few relationships with other families where they'll take DC from school if I'm stuck at work or we'll take their DC for a playdate in the holidays instead of holiday club etc.

1. A full time nanny IS expensive, but what about a small increase in fee by swapping out one or two days of after school club? Doesn't even have to be a professional nanny but more a highly competent babysitter. Someone who collects kids, oversees some homework, cooks them a meal (even better if they cook enough for you and DH too). That's 1 or 2 days a week when those things disappear and you get to come home and just tuck them up in bed. Or, swap after school out for a childminder a few times a week - they'd do some reading, feed your children a proper meal etc and might offer more flexible/more convenient hours.

@ouchmyfeet

Do you mean you can't force a father to parent? You appear to think that you can force the OP to automatically do everything that her DH might not want to

I am not saying that at all. I have separated. My DCs father refuses to do 50:50 or pull his weight with raising DC. Like in the marriage, he doesn’t consider doing the hard yards of ‘caring work’ of the DC as his responsibility. And so save for adoption of the DC, I am left picking up more of the slack. Not so different than when we were together.

My point is, and if OP separates and then her DP decides he will continue with his life as is, which means not really doing anything / much with the kids mid week, and just ‘helping out’ kids on weekends or EOW. Then what?

My point is - yes, if OP separated and her current DH agreed to 50:50, of course she’d have more free time to herself. But I don’t think separation guarantees a 50:50 arrangement.

Your husband is awful for making you go through with a pregnancy that you wanted to terminate.

Lots of posters are focussing on the housework and chore division angle, but you sound traumatised and disassociated.

It's 'normal' to find parenting small children a bit of a boring drudge, but it's not at all normal for you to actively resent them as much as you describe. I imagine having to carry and birth a baby you didn't want in order to please your husband is a big contributing factor.

And without wanting to make you feel bad, it's a fact that needs to be acknowledged that they will be picking up on how you feel and internalising it as their fault. That is setting them up for a lifetime of psychological damage to unpick, which really isn't fair on them.

You really should see a therapist about all of this.

I think there is an element of unrealistic expectations here. The belief that we ‘deserve to be happy’ is a very 21st century construct.

In the past people were worried about dying in childbirth, the Black Death, being killed down a mine, or catching diseases due to living next to raw sewage etc… etc…There was very little time left for considering ‘happiness’, it wasn’t expected. People just got on with surviving.

Nowadays we have the media telling us to be happy, or be ‘Our best selves’, combined with an exposure to lifestyles of the rich and famous on instagram and TikTok. We are taught to expect to be happy but that is not how humans have existed for hundreds of years. Suffering is to be expected, all nature experiences suffering to some degree.

Maybe I’m wrong, and everyone around me is having a constantly amazing life but I reckon most people trudge through, with ups and downs, happy experiences occasionally, downs now and then.

If you consider maybe this period of your life is actually not about what makes you happy, it’s about caring for your children and doing the best to make them happy and safe. This is your period of survival, the laundry is your Black Death and housework is your sabre toothed tiger. It sounds a bit silly but it’s pretty close to the truth. If you can reconcile yourself to this viewpoint you might find that rather than trying to fix all the problems with an au pair, changing jobs and so forth you can view them more philosophically and make them something you can manage for now.

Your post resonated with me, not because of your employment or domestic situation but because of your lack of connection with your children
With my DS1 I had severe PND, I felt as if I was grudgingly looking after someone else's baby
I know you say you're fine at work so can't be depressed, but you absolutely can be. If you're out of the house, you're leaving motherhood behind in your head
With depression, comes catastrophic thinking. Everything in your domestic life becomes insurmountable in your mind, which I get a sense of in your post
Just my opinion, but I wonder if you have unresolved feelings towards your DH for begging you to have DC2 against your wishes?
This is more than enough to cause the lack of connection with your DC's and dissociation with your home life
My DC1 was 2 before I " fell in love" with him
Please see your GP urgently to discuss your feelings
Although our situations are vastly different. I absolutely recognise myself
All the household help and 50/50 residence won't help until your mindset changes( in my case with Medication) None of this is your fault and you don't need to suffer
Wishing you well

It sounds like it's not the house, the job, the husband, it's the kids! I'm not a maternal person and I've found being a mother bloody hard, but once you get past the soft play, pretend play, having to physically clean them and spoon feed them it does get easier. Dd is in high school now and a breeze compared to the "mummy, mummy, mummy, watch this, why, why, whyyyy" days! Keep going!

TBH I think the mental workload is hard for many working women .Its rarely discussed as everyone wants to feel they can cope .However your DC are only 3 and 6 and will need a lot of input .Can you go PT at all? You say you are working 37 hours a week ATM .Even dropping a day or so will help. Waking up every day to this workload is hard OP . Even if you return FT at a later date. Tiredness can affect your mood greatly

@thistimelastweek

It's a terrible paradox.

You don't know you could have been happy without children until you have children.

But once you have children you can't unwish them.

sooo true.

No, I didn’t. I just meant to ask the question. OP has outsourced most of the work and split the rest with her DH. There are endless suggestions of how to do less, all of which OP seems to have already done. It doesn’t sound to me like it’s housework or time spent caring for the children that’s the issue. So I was asking… is it that having children present during what was previously the OP’s time for herself that’s the problem?
Without figuring out what she actually feels worn down by, no one can offer meaningful suggestions.

I do think that if you can pay the childminder to give the DC their evening meal that would go a long way to reduce your stress. She could even get them washed and in their PJs.
Then all you have to do is tuck them in and read a story.
Small things that can begin to make a difference

That's a great idea. It would make a big difference.

You need regular, schedule time to yourself to recharge.

Also, consider finding someone to manage the kids and the house just one day a week after school so that can have some down time. Figure out how to make that work financially.

This is a need, not a want,

OP, listen to this : unladylike.co/episodes/best-of/bad-mom

I have no advice to add over and above the many wise people on here, but perhaps hearing someone say out loud what you are thinking might help. Also, the episode notes are US based but thay have a massive readinglist of books that might help you feel less alone and smothered.

[quote TravelLost]@EarringsandLipstick, I hope you realise that your post is actually quite ableist.

Yes you can do all that, you get one lie in a week woo hoo.

Some people just can NOT manage that level of activity. They physically can't and that's wo being ill. I certainly couldnt when my dcs were small (tried to do it though and got ill instead....).

So maybe the OP is dperessed. Maybe she has a twat of a husband who does very oittoe and is putting himself first (which couold well be the root of depression btw).
Byt maybe she just isnt physically able to do that wo making herself ill in the process. Or maybe use the word burnt out if that resonnates better with you.
But not being able to do what you did, waking up at 5.00am blabla doesnt say anything about that person. Certainly not that she ought to be able to. Nor that she has to be depressed instead.[/quote]
That is just such an unfair characterisation of what I said. It actually stings a bit.

I specifically said that I wasn't recommending my way of life. I also prefaced what I said with recognising how hard it was for OP.

As for ableist - what?! For goodness sake. OP is quite clear that she's able for eg a full time job & holidays with friends. She's finding other aspects of her life hard, the child rearing bit but it's not due to a physical challenge she faces.

But not being able to do what you did, waking up at 5.00am blabla doesnt say anything about that person. Certainly not that she ought to be able to.

And to be completely clear Travel I never said any of this.

Did you fail to read where I said

I'm NOT saying - be like me! As my lifestyle has all kinds of things wrong with it.

And I also said

I hope you can take steps to getting help. There's nothing wrong with feeling like this but you deserve better & to feel happy

Quite how you have twisted this & misrepresented what I said is beyond me.

[quote Pastnowfuture]@TheABC "meal planning service that hooks up to the supermarket with a list" Please tell me more about this magic![/quote]
@Pastnowfuture, it's alpha.lollipopai.com.
Mumsnet advertised it a few weeks back. At the moment, the basket only goes to Sainsbury's, but other than that, it's fabulous.

If you are a Tesco's user, I believe you can do something similar with BBC Good Food.

Thanks to those who've responded with empathy, suggestions etc.

To those saying I should have my kids adopted - you clearly have absolutely no idea how impossible it is to voluntarily place your children for adoption in the UK!

So I ended up taking the day off work because I just feel awful. DH also took a personal day and I just broke down. We've agreed:

• DH will got to work early each day and aim to get the 5.20 train so should be home by 6, which is around when I get home with the kids. We both acknowledge this wont be every day - interviews (they're growing his team) are almost always end of day and other things come up but he intends to do it every day.
• we spoke to the cleaner today, unfortunately bedding and laundry aren't things he does but he has a friend who is also a cleaner who does do this stuff and will pass her details to us - the plan being she comes 1 day a week and our usual cleaner comes his usual day. We don't want to get rid of usual cleaner as he's very reliable and good at the stuff he does do.
• DH has also suggested I drop a day at work but keep DC2 in nursery and use that day for myself (not housework). I'll discuss it with work but I don't want to reduce work!
• we've agreed we'll get recommendations for a local babysitter for 1 night per week so DH and I can go out, either together or separately.

We'll try these and if they don't work consider rejigging stuff to make a nanny or mother's side& housekeeper a more realistic prospect.

I'm sorry you broke down, OP, but it sounds as though you've had a good constructive talk.
Very best of luck to your family!

I'm really glad you spoke to your DH. And it's great you have a plan.

Best of luck 💐

I'm glad you had a useful discussion with your DH. Don't drop time at work if you don't want to, he can do that if he thinks one of you needs to be home more.

@Ifbutmaybe

And threads like this aren't the norm for most parents. I know a few older colleagues who never had kids, and all of them have said they regret not having them. Lonely life in the end. No children, no grandchildren.

I find this really offensive. I have no kids and am perfectly happy, thanks very much. My husband and I are surrounded by extended family, animals and a wide circle of amazing friends so don't give it the "lonely life" shite. Unbelievable that people still think like this.