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Original poster

I want to go to work and never come back

461 replies

Sickit · 20/10/2021 20:49

I feel like I've made a huge mistake with my life. I have a nice house, lovely husband and 2 beautiful children but I hate the drudgery and tedium of it all. I'm awake at 5.30am by one of the kids, get them ready, get them to nursery/ school, go to work (which feels like a break), do the pick up, make them dinner, read with them, get them to bed, tidy up make DH and I dinner, do housework. I'm on the go 5.30am-9pm. I hate hate hate it. My house is always a mess, the laundry basket is like the never ending fucking porridge pot. I could cry. I feel like having kids was a huge mistake - I get no pleasure from them, just stress and extra housework.

I went on holiday about a month ago, with a friend no kids. Didn't miss DH or the kids at all. Thought I'd get home refreshed and feeling better but it just made me realise how much I hate it all. With-in hours I had that tight hot ball of stress and resentment in my stomach, it's just constantly there.

I just want to go to work and never come back. I feel like I've just made such a huge, irreversible decision that's so completely wrong for me.

To preempt a few questions:

  • why did you have kids? Because I didn't know I'd feel this way. I thought I'd love being a mum. I intended to go back part time or not at all, thought I'd adore it. Was told it's sooo rewarding (feel I've been lied to, I get no reward or joy).
  • why did you have a 2nd? Contraception failure and DH begged me not to have the planned abortion
  • does your DH pull his weight? Yes (see above re me going on holiday) but he work longer hours (contracted), has longer commute which is by train so less flexibility, we only have 1 car and school is over 4 miles away so there's significant practical considerations. He's fairly good with housework but on a very different schedule to me and I find it stressful- I like stuff done before I can relax, he likes to have a rest and relax before getting on with stuff.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I don't want to feel this way, this isn't the mum my kids deserve but I just hate it all so much.

OP posts:
BlackSwan · 21/10/2021 17:23

To those saying I should have my kids adopted - you clearly have absolutely no idea how impossible it is to voluntarily place your children for adoption in the UK!
Wow. Are you saying this with a straight face? I hope you're being sarcastic. Otherwise, that's quite an indictment.

AirsPairsandGraces · 21/10/2021 19:07

@Whatwouldnanado

Wow. Lots of lovely people have given a ton of practical common sense advice here, many of them without DH support and your resources but nothing is hitting the spot. I feel sorry for your kids. Either leave your family completely, go NC, bugger off and let DH find someone fun and grateful to help bring them up or, take help and find some joy in life before they are old enough to realise how much less important they are to you than your work and unrequited hobby ambitions.
This. Seriously.
RandomMess · 21/10/2021 20:09

Could you use some annual leave to do a 9 day fortnight and see how that feels - so reducing your hours but not as much as 4 days per week?

I hope the other strategies work.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Cameleongirl · 21/10/2021 20:11

@lurkingfromhome I read it more that the poster was saying that this thread regretting parenthood isn't the norm for most parents (although we do like a moan!) and that they also know "a few" older colleagues who regret staying child-free.

So in each "category" there will be a few people who regret the life decision they made, whether it was to become a parent or stay childfree. The vast majority don't though.

I think that's true for many major decisions, tbh.
Perhaps I'm giving that poster the benefit of the doubt, but it's how I read it.

Salayes · 21/10/2021 20:14

That sounds like a useful discussion and it’s good you are both looking at practical solutions to try and improve matters. I hope the new arrangements have a positive impact.

Ell17 · 21/10/2021 20:17

@Sickit Have you looked into adoption then for your children?

catcatcatcat · 21/10/2021 20:17

Hot lunches at school. Sorry not sure if someone suggested this. Doing cold teas for the kids is infinitely more bearable. Excellent about the second cleaner.

Was thinking about food. The 10min gusto boxes?

Definitely big boxes for toys to be chucked in.

It honestly DOES get easier. Im glad you have a supportive DH too.

LizzieSiddal · 21/10/2021 20:25

So glad you had a day off and spoke with your dh. It sounds like you had a really useful discussion and now a plan. Hope things get better for you from now on.

Whitecushion · 21/10/2021 20:37

I really dislike sayings such as" some of us
just can not manage that level of activity"
In so many areas of life that seems to mean, actually I'm not prepared to do that but the rest of you can and I'll sit back and watch you .

Arren12 · 21/10/2021 20:48

I really love spending time with my kids. I look forward to picking them up. My house is very clean and organized. This is only possible because I work 3 days a week. I have 2 days child free when thet are at school and nursery. On my 3 working days I can manage my own diary and its very flexible. I'm at home before 5 on most working days as I do a bit in the evenings if needed.

I have a hobby I do childfree once or twice a week that involves like minded adults and is a good laugh.

If my house is getting a bit out of hand I book a one off big clean with a cleaner.
I understand im in a very privileged and fortunate position but this came about after a mental health breakdown. I felt like you op for a long time and then I just couldn't cope anymore and got very mentally unwell. It was a turing point. I changed jobs to allow the above and its done wonders. I took up the hobby and I started looking after me and my wants. I see you can't drop hours or don't want to and thats fine but something needs to give. Working full time with young kids and doing it all is too stressful and unnatural. You can't get rid of your kids so my advice is to cut back on a few luxuries so you can cut back your hours and save your sanity.

dizzydizzydizzy · 21/10/2021 21:45

@Sickit

Thanks to those who've responded with empathy, suggestions etc.

To those saying I should have my kids adopted - you clearly have absolutely no idea how impossible it is to voluntarily place your children for adoption in the UK!

So I ended up taking the day off work because I just feel awful. DH also took a personal day and I just broke down. We've agreed:

  • DH will got to work early each day and aim to get the 5.20 train so should be home by 6, which is around when I get home with the kids. We both acknowledge this wont be every day - interviews (they're growing his team) are almost always end of day and other things come up but he intends to do it every day.
  • we spoke to the cleaner today, unfortunately bedding and laundry aren't things he does but he has a friend who is also a cleaner who does do this stuff and will pass her details to us - the plan being she comes 1 day a week and our usual cleaner comes his usual day. We don't want to get rid of usual cleaner as he's very reliable and good at the stuff he does do.
  • DH has also suggested I drop a day at work but keep DC2 in nursery and use that day for myself (not housework). I'll discuss it with work but I don't want to reduce work!
  • we've agreed we'll get recommendations for a local babysitter for 1 night per week so DH and I can go out, either together or separately.

We'll try these and if they don't work consider rejigging stuff to make a nanny or mother's side& housekeeper a more realistic prospect.

Well done OP! Sounds like a good plan
uncomfortablydumb53 · 22/10/2021 00:07

I'm glad you were able to talk with your DH and come up with a joint plan Wishing you well

Kintsugi16 · 22/10/2021 08:01

Brilliant!
I hope the plan works, and if it doesn’t, try another!

Enjoy your children

WashableVelvet · 22/10/2021 08:03

That sounds like a good plan. I forgot one thing which is working compressed hours so full time but nine days a fortnight. If you kept the DC in school/nursery that day it could give you a bit of personal space without actually dropping work you love.

StopGo · 22/10/2021 08:15

The 'joint' decision seems to mean that DH escapes the house and parenting earlier with the half hearted promise of being home by 6pm. However, with the caveat that his oh so important job comes first. Meanwhile OP struggles on with the consequences of being coerced into carrying on with an unwanted pregnancy.

Kintsugi16 · 22/10/2021 08:31

@StopGo

The 'joint' decision seems to mean that DH escapes the house and parenting earlier with the half hearted promise of being home by 6pm. However, with the caveat that his oh so important job comes first. Meanwhile OP struggles on with the consequences of being coerced into carrying on with an unwanted pregnancy.
An incredibly negative view. The OP has consistently said her DH pulls his weight.

This isn’t a competition! Marriage should never be a competition and no-one should lose sight of the fact that the children are the priority here!

NotPersephone · 22/10/2021 08:39

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

NoSquirrels · 22/10/2021 08:46

I’m glad you laid it out with your DH, and I hope you feel better for making a plan. Flowers

- DH will got to work early each day and aim to get the 5.20 train so should be home by 6, which is around when I get home with the kids. We both acknowledge this wont be every day - interviews (they're growing his team) are almost always end of day and other things come up but he intends to do it every day.
He can really put his money where his mouth is on this by making a formal flexible working request to permanently alter his hours of work. That would mean things like interviews could not be habitually arranged end of day, and he and the team would put systems in place so that he wasn’t required to stay past his office end of day. IT can be done remotely - they did it during the pandemic WFH, yes? He’s in a good position to effect change, starting with himself.

- DH has also suggested I drop a day at work but keep DC2 in nursery and use that day for myself (not housework). I'll discuss it with work but I don't want to reduce work!
You’ve been super clear on this thread that you do not want to drop work. Why is he pushing this? I understand he’s trying to offer you time ‘off’ for yourself but have you been clear enough with him that this isn’t what’s wrong - it’s not personal time it’s the weight of responsibility for the children? Why talk to work if you don’t want it? He could talk to his work about reducing hours…

Think again about getting some counselling sorted as I think your unresolved feelings about the accidental pregnancy must be playing in here. Put on your oxygen mask.

Original poster
Sickit · 22/10/2021 10:00

NoSquirrels he's previously submitted a flexible working request and it was denied as they could clearly evidence how it couldn't meet the needs of the service.

During covid they did agree to compressed hours but clearly stated it was only until childcare was back open (we prioritised my NHS frontline job over DHs during the lockdowns).

OP posts:
endofagain · 22/10/2021 10:42

I don't think you should drop a day at work, I think it would be far better for you to pay the childminder to wash and feed the DC and get them into their PJs and you pick them up at 6.30.
You would avoid the daily evening stress that way.
When my Dc were that age they had supper at 5.30, bath at 6 and in bed by 6.30 so they could wind down with a story and asleep by 7. They slept better and longer that way.
I used to play calming relaxation music in the back ground too, which helped all of us.
DH didn't get in till 8 or 9 most nights, so I had to find a way to do it alone.

NataliaSerene · 22/10/2021 10:45

OP there is a solution. Just keep searching and making adjustments until life is better for you.

NoSquirrels · 22/10/2021 11:42

@Sickit

NoSquirrels he's previously submitted a flexible working request and it was denied as they could clearly evidence how it couldn't meet the needs of the service.

During covid they did agree to compressed hours but clearly stated it was only until childcare was back open (we prioritised my NHS frontline job over DHs during the lockdowns).

Fair enough - sorry if I’d missed it earlier in the thread, I couldn’t recall if you had said he’d formally asked. I do still think he’s in a good place to effect change and can work towards that, if he’s senior and valued and expanding his team then he’s got opportunity there. Cultures in workplaces don’t change by accident and men really do need to take this into account with their jobs as much as women do. So many workplaces are moving to hybrid working that it seems unlikely there’s no flex at all to be made ever… but no one likes change, traditional companies least of all, so there has to be a gentle but firm and constant pressure on them to move in the right direction.

Hope you feel more supported Flowers

StopGo · 22/10/2021 14:27

@Kintsugi16 negative or realistic? I really do hope I'm wrong.

Bubbles1st · 22/10/2021 14:43

Do you have parents who can have the kids one night a week; pick up from school to next day drop off?

Boarding school 👀?

themadcatparade · 22/10/2021 14:50

Have you told DP how you feel?

I half feel like this during the week a lot of home and childcare falls on me but at the same time my partner works additional nights when he doesn't have his LO and im
Home supposed to be sorting the housework and I barely pull my weight sometimes because I can't be arsed. I know he has it harder than me.

I think I feel this way too because i only have my DD 60% of the week, the rest I get to do as I please and every other weekend me and DP have to ourselves. Like I've gotten used to being a single adult with no child responsibilities half the week, I've had a taster of it! I have a good situation but I still feel like im in a rut sometimes! I wouldn't have another child, I do not want one. I couldn't go through the young stage again as selfish as that sounds. I love her to bits and I do not regret having children at all.

However I have noticed that DD is 10 soon and as she's got older I talk to her and we do things more like friends and help each other out and it's gotten to the point where it's more fun than duty of care if that makes sense. I'm hoping it stays like this now and I can embrace our relationship as it is.

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