I want to go to work and never come back

[Sickit]

I feel like I've made a huge mistake with my life. I have a nice house, lovely husband and 2 beautiful children but I hate the drudgery and tedium of it all. I'm awake at 5.30am by one of the kids, get them ready, get them to nursery/ school, go to work (which feels like a break), do the pick up, make them dinner, read with them, get them to bed, tidy up make DH and I dinner, do housework. I'm on the go 5.30am-9pm. I hate hate hate it. My house is always a mess, the laundry basket is like the never ending fucking porridge pot. I could cry. I feel like having kids was a huge mistake - I get no pleasure from them, just stress and extra housework.

I went on holiday about a month ago, with a friend no kids. Didn't miss DH or the kids at all. Thought I'd get home refreshed and feeling better but it just made me realise how much I hate it all. With-in hours I had that tight hot ball of stress and resentment in my stomach, it's just constantly there.

I just want to go to work and never come back. I feel like I've just made such a huge, irreversible decision that's so completely wrong for me.

To preempt a few questions:

• why did you have kids? Because I didn't know I'd feel this way. I thought I'd love being a mum. I intended to go back part time or not at all, thought I'd adore it. Was told it's sooo rewarding (feel I've been lied to, I get no reward or joy).

• why did you have a 2nd? Contraception failure and DH begged me not to have the planned abortion

• does your DH pull his weight? Yes (see above re me going on holiday) but he work longer hours (contracted), has longer commute which is by train so less flexibility, we only have 1 car and school is over 4 miles away so there's significant practical considerations. He's fairly good with housework but on a very different schedule to me and I find it stressful- I like stuff done before I can relax, he likes to have a rest and relax before getting on with stuff.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I don't want to feel this way, this isn't the mum my kids deserve but I just hate it all so much.

I’d recommend getting divorced and having 50:50 care. It’s brilliant.

Unless DH refuses to do 50:50 care and will only agree to EOW; or less. Some fathers don’t want 50:50 care. And then OP would be worse off. You can’t force a parent to parent.

Why are so many people having sandwiches as evening meals. Feel sorry for your children if that's all you can come up with. Embarrassing.

@Ifbutmaybe I think sandwiches for her DC’s evening meals are the least of OP’s and DC’s worries

You say you aren’t depressed, maybe not but the day in day out can take its toll on your mind, as you are unhappy and can lead to depression. It’s sounds like your on your way to it. Top shit parenting tip .. can you try to offer kids rewards for staying in bed a bit later.. I usually bribe mine with money for her purse 🥴 Every weekend I’d spend an hour or two of you can batch cooking, I do easy things like mac n cheese and sausage and mash, freeze it and then kids can have it after nursery. Saves the hassle of cooking every night. It’s not easy op hope all work out for you x

I felt like this right after I had DD but mostly enjoy her. But I also get a lot of downtime & your post reminds me of why I can’t have a second child. Things that have helped us:

DH & I both work from home & stagger our hours. DH start work around 9:30, he does most of the morning. I start at 8, finish around 4:30 to cook dinner & take over from nanny. Realistically our jobs just don’t require 40 hours and our employers expect us to get the work done, not put in specific hours. This has made a huge difference.

We have a nanny so no school pick up, she works fixed hours but is usually available to stay late in a pinch

A really good cleaner.

DH and I trade evenings off. Where one or the other is done at 6:30. Not every night but a couple nights a week.

Dd stays with my parents overnight every couple weeks.

I go off and do my own thing for a few hours most weekends. Usually try to time for nap or starting early.

A gro clock. DD happily stays in bed until 7 every morning because her clock hasn’t changed and tells us off if we come in early.

Have you thought about what you’d need to do to afford a nanny? I know an extra £1200 is a lot, but hating your life is also awful, I would spend savings to get through a few years if it made things better…

Wow. Lots of lovely people have given a ton of practical common sense advice here, many of them without DH support and your resources but nothing is hitting the spot. I feel sorry for your kids. Either leave your family completely, go NC, bugger off and let DH find someone fun and grateful to help bring them up or, take help and find some joy in life before they are old enough to realise how much less important they are to you than your work and unrequited hobby ambitions.

@Whatwouldnanado

Wow. Lots of lovely people have given a ton of practical common sense advice here, many of them without DH support and your resources but nothing is hitting the spot. I feel sorry for your kids. Either leave your family completely, go NC, bugger off and let DH find someone fun and grateful to help bring them up or, take help and find some joy in life before they are old enough to realise how much less important they are to you than your work and unrequited hobby ambitions.

OP, just out of interest, have you worked through a scenario in your life head where you and DH did decide to split and have the kids 50:50? What would that look like financially? Presumably you'd both still need to work full time, have houses with room for the kids and your DH would need to get a car to facilitate nursery/school pick ups and drop offs on his days? Obviously you'd also have the benefit of a few days a week away from the kids to unwind, but would altogether lose any time with your DH, who you say you still love.

I guess my point is, in that situation you'd be forced to (more than likely) push your finances further to the limit than they are now, because it's basically the only option available in a split scenario. Unless you presume you'd be entitled to any benefits, but if you're in a high level role with a decent salary this is possibly less likely? But basically, are you out and out dismissing the nanny idea now because it feels like a luxury? Where if you really stretched yourselves, you could find a way to make it work? If so, I think you have to try if you want there to be any chance of your marriage surviving in the long term and salvaging a relationship with your kids as they grow up (if they haven't already picked up on the resentment, trust me they will eventually).

Also, depression absolutely can be situational and I doubt the holiday has helped you, infact it probably had the opposite of the desired effect, by highlighting what you imagine your life could be if you didn't have the kids. Sadly though, you do now and short of fully walking away from your family, that isn't going to change. I really would suggest a visit to the GP and see if they can prescribe something to stabilise your mood; if you're not willing to try you'll never know whether it might help

@poppymaewrite

You don’t hate being a mum, ypu hate the fact that your husband is useless. Why are you doing housework til 9pm and why isn’t he helping you equally? Shouldn’t be anything to do after 7:30pm max!

This ⬆️

OP I have got the perfect solution for you!!! Listen up.
DH should resign from his job and find something either very close to home or working from home. As he’s in IT WFH should def be possible.

I too think a key issue is your H not doing a fair share of weekday parenting and domestic work.

Working longer hours and in X location requiring travel is a choice. Facilitated by you doing way more than a fair share.

My H is unfortunately similar, won’t curtail his working hours to do parenting or meals on weekday evenings. so I usually eat something fast and simple with the DC earlier.

@Twocrabs30

I’d recommend getting divorced and having 50:50 care. It’s brilliant.

Unless DH refuses to do 50:50 care and will only agree to EOW; or less. Some fathers don’t want 50:50 care. And then OP would be worse off. You can’t force a parent to parent.

Do you mean you can't force a father to parent? You appear to think that you can force the OP to automatically do everything that her DH might not want to

I suspect you've no family that ever take the DC off your hands for a bit. Any weekend sleepovers? Friday nights for tea? Saturdays with GP in the park? We had none and it was tough. Parents with young DC that have regular extended family input always seem to fare best.
Those saying ask family to come round and help, ask for sleepovers etc have no idea. Unfortunately, some GP don't enjoy being around young DC either.
I hope your contraception is watertight.

A very simple, free adjustment that you could make is to skip the weekly family day, or meet up with friends. There's no reason why your weekends need to be so packed with activities that involve the whole family. Myself and my husband have a weekend morning each to ourselves. Not just a lie in, the whole morning without any childcare or domestic duties. That leaves the afternoons for all the other things you describe, like working, family activities, or meeting up with friends. Or you could organise it so on one day one of you has the morning and the other the afternoon, then the 2nd day is free for family activities etc. You're not enjoying your life now, so it's time to make the changes that will make it more enjoyable for you, and it sounds like a regular break is something that you need. Continuing with the status quo, when there are things you could do, seems a bit mad.

I agree @GiltEdges, if it comes down to stumping up the cost of a nanny or divorce, pulling out all possible stops to get that nanny for a few years are surely worth it. Remortgage the house even. It'll be cheaper in the long run than divorce.

OP, you’re in the most relentless phase of childhood, and it will pass. I’ve read all your responses and also agree a nanny, au pair, neighbour teenager who comes in to take the kids off you, nanny share, anything like that is what you need.

So you either

• find a nanny you can afford
• or you lower expenses so that you have enough funds for more childcare
• or you / your husband ask for a raise?

Your DH could completely get a different job. Or you could both move to a part of the country where housing is cheaper. Your job is transferable. He can work in IT anywhere.

He takes them out “so you can get a break” - that’s the problem: you both see parenting as primarily your job. And he’s very happy to work extra hours so you can do it. Don’t fool yourself otherwise.

I used to be best friends with a female consultant who said all the male consultant worked late - doing fuck all, but just often standing around talking about when dinner and bath time would be over. Men do this on purpose, because they can.

What is getting you down so much the kids or the house keeping? If you have a cleaner you shouldn’t need to be cleaning till 9 pm every night. Surely the cleaner is capable of changing beds once a week, and putting a wash on? Just ask the cleaner to do this. I would consider dropping hours at work to, as you seem overloaded. The ages of your kids are at that hard work stage, I can remember it well! But it does get easier. You just need to get through it the best you can. Do have had anyone in RL to support you and give you and your DH a break together. Good luck

Wow. Lots of lovely people have given a ton of practical common sense advice here, many of them without DH support and your resources but nothing is hitting the spot. I feel sorry for your kids

I don’t want to be cruel to the OP. But I sort of agree with this.

Hell I’m not mother of the year or anything like it.

I’ve made mistakes. I’ve worked too much, too many silly hours. I’ve been worn down by their demands and the sheer drudgery of it all. Sometimes I even give sandwiches for tea

But god I love the bones of my girls. I’m always, always trying to be a better mum to them, including quitting a job I loved to put them first. I couldn’t contemplate actively deciding to spend less time with them - most of the time it’s guilt about keeping the plates spinning and not being there enough.

You’ve had a lot of suggestions and to be honest your life sounds a lot less difficult than many, many others. I don’t really know what to suggest. Therapy maybe.

And I disagree that they are easier as teens. Mine in their teenage years were a much bigger impact on my career. Seeing them through eating disorders/ mental health crises/ gender dysphoria meant far more urgent calls home than when they were toddlers, and there was childcare. I think it’s unrealistic to pretend these years are the hardest IME.

So you get up with the kids 3 or 4 days a week and get the youngest dressed and given breakfast, plus put some laundry on, then drop them at school.
You do to work, which you love.
You pick the kids up and get home at 6. You make 2 sandwiches and later heat up a ready meal or order takeaway. You get the kids washed and in pyjamas and read them a story. You finish the laundry and tidy up an hours worth of mess ( as you’ve been out most of the day), load the dishwasher.
That doesn’t sound non stop at all.
Other than a diversion on the way too and from work to drop off/ pick up the kids, a story, making a sandwich and picking up a couple of toys it doesn’t sound much more then you’d have done pre kids. And I’m assuming you’d not be in bed much longer without them anyway as you’d have to leave for work. Is it just their presence you don’t like?

@Howmanysleepsnow

So you get up with the kids 3 or 4 days a week and get the youngest dressed and given breakfast, plus put some laundry on, then drop them at school. You do to work, which you love. You pick the kids up and get home at 6. You make 2 sandwiches and later heat up a ready meal or order takeaway. You get the kids washed and in pyjamas and read them a story. You finish the laundry and tidy up an hours worth of mess ( as you’ve been out most of the day), load the dishwasher. That doesn’t sound non stop at all. Other than a diversion on the way too and from work to drop off/ pick up the kids, a story, making a sandwich and picking up a couple of toys it doesn’t sound much more then you’d have done pre kids. And I’m assuming you’d not be in bed much longer without them anyway as you’d have to leave for work. Is it just their presence you don’t like?

Did you mean to be so rude?

I don't have kids so can't weigh in, but a couple of thoughts came to mind.

I'm in the same boat around the relax vs jobs debate. I like to get jobs done then I can properly relax. My partner is like yours. As long as they are actually doing their fare share and not leaving you to do their bit, there's not much to do except lower standards slightly, and resist doing everything yourself. It takes a while but I now can relax even if I get a little twitchy thinking "When's he going to start the kitchen...!?"

I also wonder if you might benefit from some therapy to process the fact your DH wanted the second baby. I'm wondering if you hold some resentment towards him which would be totally understandable. Perhaps you could do with processing that decision, and making peace with it? Resentment breeds anger and I wonder if that's why you have these feelings of wanting to disappear and never come back, because deep down you feel like you're living a life you never wanted. But it's not black and white and therapy might help you process those feelings healthily, express your anger (not at your DH necessarily, but just to let it out) and then start to notice the things in your life that are working...

It sounds really tough OP; I'm sorry you're struggling.

Scrolled until I found the age of your kids. I have just come out the other side of this. Mine are 5&7 now and they go off to play with the neighbours’ kids now, generally cooperate and make their own beds, pack their school bags etc. Makes so much difference. Life is a lot easier than even a year ago. I promise you it gets a lot easier very soon.

I felt much the same as you when my children were 6 months and 2.5 years. It's hard and feels more like existing than living.

As others have suggested, have you tried talking things through with DH? Together you may be able to come up with some solutions that work for your family. If that doesn't work, it might be worth going down the counselling route as some others have suggested.

FWIW, I started a new hobby. A leaflet came through the door about Pilates classes in our local hall so I went. 17 years later, I'm still going to those classes and love them!