I want to go to work and never come back

[Sickit]

I feel like I've made a huge mistake with my life. I have a nice house, lovely husband and 2 beautiful children but I hate the drudgery and tedium of it all. I'm awake at 5.30am by one of the kids, get them ready, get them to nursery/ school, go to work (which feels like a break), do the pick up, make them dinner, read with them, get them to bed, tidy up make DH and I dinner, do housework. I'm on the go 5.30am-9pm. I hate hate hate it. My house is always a mess, the laundry basket is like the never ending fucking porridge pot. I could cry. I feel like having kids was a huge mistake - I get no pleasure from them, just stress and extra housework.

I went on holiday about a month ago, with a friend no kids. Didn't miss DH or the kids at all. Thought I'd get home refreshed and feeling better but it just made me realise how much I hate it all. With-in hours I had that tight hot ball of stress and resentment in my stomach, it's just constantly there.

I just want to go to work and never come back. I feel like I've just made such a huge, irreversible decision that's so completely wrong for me.

To preempt a few questions:

• why did you have kids? Because I didn't know I'd feel this way. I thought I'd love being a mum. I intended to go back part time or not at all, thought I'd adore it. Was told it's sooo rewarding (feel I've been lied to, I get no reward or joy).

• why did you have a 2nd? Contraception failure and DH begged me not to have the planned abortion

• does your DH pull his weight? Yes (see above re me going on holiday) but he work longer hours (contracted), has longer commute which is by train so less flexibility, we only have 1 car and school is over 4 miles away so there's significant practical considerations. He's fairly good with housework but on a very different schedule to me and I find it stressful- I like stuff done before I can relax, he likes to have a rest and relax before getting on with stuff.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I don't want to feel this way, this isn't the mum my kids deserve but I just hate it all so much.

OP, I saw from your second post on this thread that there are lots of jobs like laundry, bed etc that the cleaner doesbt do. You either need to pay them for extra time to do those jobs or find someone who will. My cleaner does all those things abd just stays more hours to do them. I know you say the problem is the children but if you had an extra hour or two to yourself it must surely help. I really do feel your pain though

My situation is totally different to yours, OP, because I am a SAHM. But the thing that struck me about your post is that you are with your kids at THE WORST times of the day. Waking up early, yuck. Getting out the door, nightmare. Anytime after 4.30pm, pure drudgery until bedtime. Honestly, all the good stuff that happens for me with my kids happens outside of those times. I'm wondering if you and DH could divide and conquer at the weekend so you can spend a bit of time with each child separately. Pick an activity they like that is most appealing to you (my DH would choose swimming, I'd probably pick a walk somewhere pretty and coffee). And just see if you can reconnect with them as people a bit. I recently had another baby and I've found the less time I've spent with my older child, the harder our relationship has felt - I forget why I like him, and caring for him feels more and more like a chore. I am not saying motherhood isn't still hard, because it bloody is, and you have a job too - so hats off to you.

@Sickit

I have read all the posts on the thread. I've been sitting on my hands so far, as my opinion hasn't been voiced by anyone & I think it might sound harsh.

I want to preface what I'm going to say by saying two things:
I really am sympathetic to how you are feeling. You've been very honest & you clearly are having a very tough time 💐

I am someone who is on the go non-stop, I've a demanding full time job, 3 busy DC, and I'm a single parent. I have no family close by & a nightmare ex who has mostly opted out of parental responsibilities & exercises control over me as much as he can. I exercise nearly every day, getting up at 515 to do so. My DC to a lot of sport so we are at training / matches 6 days a week, many crossing over. It's relentless & hard & I do have some tough days. But I get on with it. I'm NOT saying - be like me! As my lifestyle has all kinds of things wrong with it.

BUT (here's the harsh bit) as busy as you are, you are doing ok, time wise & supports. For example

One day I get a lie in. The other day DH does. One day we tend to go out as a family, the other we meet friends, catch up on work or have a lazy day.

You have a cleaner, and a genuinely supportive partner who does share the load (and fuck's sake, the amount of posters trying to make him the problem 😡).

While you talk about household tasks, you actually are doing the bare minimum - I mean takeaways regularly, not changing sheets more than once a month etc.

You love your DH.

The problem here is not how busy you are or small DC I think. Although that is hard & you are busy.

You've been honest to say you aren't enjoying motherhood. And that's always there, even when you are doing 'nice' things at weekend.

I think you may be depressed & would really encourage you to talk to your DH & your GP, and perhaps look for therapy.

I really don't think it's logistics. You really do have it easier than many (not saying it's 'easy'). This is something internal, to you.

I hope you can take steps to getting help. There's nothing wrong with feeling like this but you deserve better & to feel happy. 💐

I agree with the points made about depression and I think there is probably an awful lot simmering under the surface around being coerced into having a second baby. Because it was coercion, IMO.
I am not sure about counselling, but recognition and talking about this is really important.
Counselling can be very hard. My son is having counselling and it is very tough going.
I cant work out how you are both struggling with so much housework and chores given that none of you are at home much, so I am thinking that the chores are not the real problem.
I would look at every possible way to afford a nanny. Consider remortgaging your house. You can pay it off later.
As pp have said, you have had loads of practical advice, but none of that is going to address the issues.

@Ifbutmaybe

Why are so many people having sandwiches as evening meals. Feel sorry for your children if that's all you can come up with. Embarrassing.

Seriously, where do you get off.

OP, you do sound like you may be depressed and yes it can be situational. Maybe think about counselling or therapy.

No to two dinners every night. Batch cook.

What time do you get for you each week? I think you'll feel much better if you get some time away from the drudgery. Could you join an exercise class one evening?

Change your cleaner, dont do ironing!

If you truly dont think your depressed then I honestly think you need a little reality shock. You did have kids you made that choice too so its time to suck it up for a bit till they are older. You say your DH helps you have a cleaner and you wont drop a day as you love your job. Drop a day to do a hobby then and get a second car.

@EarringsandLipstick, I hope you realise that your post is actually quite ableist.

Yes you can do all that, you get one lie in a week woo hoo.

Some people just can NOT manage that level of activity. They physically can't and that's wo being ill. I certainly couldnt when my dcs were small (tried to do it though and got ill instead....).

So maybe the OP is dperessed. Maybe she has a twat of a husband who does very oittoe and is putting himself first (which couold well be the root of depression btw).
Byt maybe she just isnt physically able to do that wo making herself ill in the process. Or maybe use the word burnt out if that resonnates better with you.
But not being able to do what you did, waking up at 5.00am blabla doesnt say anything about that person. Certainly not that she ought to be able to. Nor that she has to be depressed instead.

@tootiredtospeak

If you truly dont think your depressed then I honestly think you need a little reality shock. You did have kids you made that choice too so its time to suck it up for a bit till they are older. You say your DH helps you have a cleaner and you wont drop a day as you love your job. Drop a day to do a hobby then and get a second car.

I disagree. When things were hard, the last thng I needed was to be put MORE in the situatioin I found hard to cope with. Dropping a day at work wouod be wrong thing to do for the OP because that's the thing that keeps her afloat.

I sspect that the OP would actually fall into a full depression if she did reduced her hours. Becuase let's face it. She wouldn't be having a hobby and resting. She would be doing even more housework (because she is part time dont you know?). She would be having the dcs with er (why pay nusrery when she is at home)? etc... She wouldnt have a cleaner (because cost and ... she is part time isn't she)

Nope worst idea ever.

Spend more on household help
See a life coach if you don't like counsellor idea
It s dangerous to harbour resentment towards people in this case the dc.
They will grow up and be more independent
You need to throw money now even borrow it to get thru the next years

I agree with pp, you were coerced into having second baby, and that will have had a huge effect on how you're feeling. I would actually prioritise some counselling for you, as soon as possible. I think that you have made a massive sacrifice in order to stay with your husband and do what he wanted you to do, and the resentment and dread you feel towards your family life springs from that. Your feelings and wishes were overridden, and your bodily autonomy was taken from you. It is a HUGE thing that happened to you and it sounds like it hasn't even been acknowledged in any meaningful way.

So yes, throw money at the practical problems - cleaner, nanny etc. But much more importantly, find someone to talk to about your situation. You will be able to change things for the better for yourself, but it will take some emotional digging, I think. Can you get therapy/psychological support through your work OP? That might be the first thing to try. Good therapists can be expensive, but again, it's a priority and worth the cost.

I don’t think her husband sounds that bad, to be fair 🤷🏻‍♀️ I mean sure there’s room for improvement (there always is) but he’s there and present and pulling his weight around his working hours.

I do agree with mornings and bedtimes being the worst parts. I take the time to walk my eldest to school most days though and I genuinely love that part of the day (I know I am lucky that I can do this because I work from home - is this something you/your husband could do a day or two a week?). We have a good blether and she’s great company these days. She’s so funny. My youngest is as mad as a March hare and now her little personality is starting to really shine through. She’s so bright and affectionate. I’m not saying it’s never hard - oh, it is - but I enjoy my children a whole lot more these days.

Do you take the time to get to know your children at all, or do you feel it’s all drudge and grunt work?

Can you speak to your cleaner about picking up extra chores for more money? They might be willing to do that.

What childcare are the DC's in that keeps them (including a 6 yo) until 6:30pm? Presumably a childminder? Is a nanny really much more expensive than a child minder?

Would the childminder keep them an extra half an hour and feed them? You could go home, have a cup of tea, put the heating on, draw the curtains, then go and collect them and just do bath and bed? Calmer and less full on for all of you.

Yes, good point- my son has always had his tea at childcare before I collect him at 6. I consider that to be a standard part of any childcare that goes on after 4pm.

I absolutely hated motherhood from the off (twins so big shock to the 30 yr old selfish lifestyle) and found the early years unbearably exhausting, relentless drudge etc.

I absolutely loved my career but did a long (years) break which bizarrely helped as I was not squeezing parenting around the edge of a 40 our working week (which let's face it is exhausting in its own right with no parenting) and ok to design my own days around me and the kids being dedicated full time parent/housekeeper.

To facilitate this we moved out of the city, downshifted significantly to a rural life and ended up having a third baby.

That was ages ago now. I restarted my career when the youngest was a bit older and now she is mid teens and the twins are officially adult.

The day I rejoined my career was utterly brilliant but the break stopped me from losing my mind

I too felt I'd been sold a lie by the parenting magazines. My husband opted out of any routine domestic jobs but did cover me for frequent away weekends etc. This helped.

I feel your pain. Might be worth thinking creatively about the issues as not sustainable to continue as you are for the next decade

@TheABC "meal planning service that hooks up to the supermarket with a list" Please tell me more about this magic!

@TravelLost

Suggestions such as putting the kids in childcare longer don’t put the kids first. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big user of childcare so it’s not a judgement on that. But the OP needs to sort her head out. Not have the kids away from her/home more than they already are.

Putting mothers first is better than putting kids first in my opinion as long as it isn't in an abusive way. Happy mothers make happy children.

TravelLost

I suggested dropping a day a week or even a day a fortnight at work, not telling anyone and just doing sonething nice for herself. I do a 9 day fortnight, I keep the same childcare on this day, I go for coffee, shopping or even rest at home. If dh sees me, I say I am on a day off. He won't see me every fortnight on a random Wednesday. This time is unpaid and I contribute 50% at home so I alone take the financial hit for this. Bearing this in mind, I ensure this day is entirely for my benefit.

I felt I couldn't get a break otherwise. DH works fulltime and can manage with very little free time, so I should be able to do the same. My parents will not take them as they can't manage 2. I used to feel under a compliment asking dh to take them. It was an ad hoc arrangement which felt stressful as I had to ask for a break every time. I felt this unpaid day saved my sanity as I could go bra shopping, run errands for myself and just feel rested and like I am 'having a life'. I did not think it dishonest as no one would help me. Other work colleagues got nights away with dhs and lashings of help. Easy to judge others when people get loads of help.

Honestly OP I think you have two options really as you seem to have dismissed every other suggestion.

A - you divorce your husband go 50/50
B- just get on with it as best you can

Not many of us are having the time of our lives parenting, but you just need to come to a place of acceptance and do the best you can for your kids.

@MelKarnofskyCrane

Wow. Lots of lovely people have given a ton of practical common sense advice here, many of them without DH support and your resources but nothing is hitting the spot. I feel sorry for your kids

I don’t want to be cruel to the OP. But I sort of agree with this.

Hell I’m not mother of the year or anything like it.

I’ve made mistakes. I’ve worked too much, too many silly hours. I’ve been worn down by their demands and the sheer drudgery of it all. Sometimes I even give sandwiches for tea

But god I love the bones of my girls. I’m always, always trying to be a better mum to them, including quitting a job I loved to put them first. I couldn’t contemplate actively deciding to spend less time with them - most of the time it’s guilt about keeping the plates spinning and not being there enough.

You’ve had a lot of suggestions and to be honest your life sounds a lot less difficult than many, many others. I don’t really know what to suggest. Therapy maybe.

Completely agree with this.

I suggested dropping a day a week or even a day a fortnight at work, not telling anyone and just doing sonething nice for herself. I do a 9 day fortnight, I keep the same childcare on this day, I go for coffee, shopping or even rest at home. If dh sees me, I say I am on a day off. He won't see me every fortnight on a random Wednesday. This time is unpaid and I contribute 50% at home so I alone take the financial hit for this. Bearing this in mind, I ensure this day is entirely for my benefit.

If it's completely justified and doesn't impact the family financially why on Earth is this a secret and why are you hiding it from your husband? That's absurd.