School being unsympathetic over year 6 residential

[Monkeybumbum7]

Details of the residential have been sent out and a deposit is due next week. The deposit is non-refundable.

I have a very anxious child who never wants to stay away from home. He gets anxious at bedtime to the point of needing hundreds of cuddles before he will rest for sleep. He is a real homebody who doesn’t want to go on holiday even with us.

I’ve spoken to the school about what to do about the residential. I was told that nobody has ever missed it, and to just tell him he is going and that’s it.

I know he will be in floods of tears every day if he goes and really unhappy. They’re also not allowed to call parents if distressed.

In addition most of the activities involve heights. He hates heights. It’s all zip lines/ abseiling, that sort of thing.

I don’t know what to do.

Don't send him.

However you do need to work on separation anxiety with him, he literally can't be tied to your apron strings for life.
Could you try short sessions where he stays at a friend's or relative, and increasing the sessions gradually until the point of achieving a sleep over.

Not sure what to advise about heights.
Have you been to a GP about his anxiety to see what they suggest?

There are some inciteful comments on this thread about the OP's negativity.

My experience of this age group is its a crucial time to break away and form some independence from parents.

What happens is many kids try and match parental experience and expectations - so if they've been afraid of heights, their parents reinforce that and the kids then perform to that expectation

If you take the kid out of that situation, and into a new one with different conditions they find they aren't restricted by the same parental expectation and boundaries and instead have a different set of influences which can get them doing things they wouldn't otherwise attempt around parents.

This provides something of a life revelation for some as they realise they can do things they didn't think they could because they are outside the negative / cotton wool influence of their parents.

Schools will be well aware of how this is an important development milestone, which is why they try and get parents to encourage and almost let go and break their own views of what they think their own kids can do.

I've seen kids be talked up and encouraged to do things they'd said they couldn't with the right support and gentle encouragement on many occasions. And the buzz the kids get is brilliant.

So I think this is probably what the school is trying to do, and if they are going in hard to encourage kids to go, I'd be willing to bet its in part because they see the parents involved as part of a problem of holding a kid back and perpetuating anxiety by reinforcement rather than encouraging independent skills.

I do think this is precisely why Yr6 groups go on residentials.

I think there are a few exceptions who it possibly is still too much for, but I definitely think there are a good number of kids would would really benefit if their parents have some faith in them and let them grow up and give it a go...

Have you asked your son his opinion @Monkeybumbum7

He's old enough to be able to have a say in the matter.

Some of the responses on here have made me feel like shit.

No I don’t want him tied to my apron strings.

I don’t want to hold him back.

Jesus.

DS1 was the only one from his class not to go on the residential, it's a fairly small school, there were about 25 pupils in the class. The school were fine and agreed a term-time holiday for him and DS2. (DS1 has ASD anxiety EHCP etc etc)

DS2 went on his, he probably would have preferred not to and he didn't enjoy it at all, but he has a tendency just to say yes to everything. There were a couple of others who didn't go in his class.

I didn't enjoy my residential either!

He doesn’t know what to do. He wants to be with his friends but he knows he can’t take any of his bedtime comfort things (as he thinks they will be seen as babyish) and he can’t see or speak to us. He flips from NO WAY to I dunno I don’t want to miss out on the fun bits.

If you do decide to skip it, I would look into alternate activities that would allow your child to push his comfort zones, but in a positive manner. For example, my ASD child absolutely detested the camping experience offered to her through the school. She did it, but it wasn’t a good experience and it set her back a bit. The next year we skipped it in favor of a residential science program where she had a roommate who had attended the same outdoor camp via a different school and had the same hatred. The science camp on the other hand helped my dd absolutely blossom. I was so nervous because they stay in dorms and have to get themselves up and use communal bathrooms and eat in a dining hall and there were so many things that I knew would be a challenge for her. The thing was though that they were a challenge, but not insurmountable and the trade off was activities she was ridiculously excited about. I’d much rather spend my money on a program like that, than one that expects all the kids to conform to mainstream standards.

@Monkeybumbum7

He doesn’t know what to do. He wants to be with his friends but he knows he can’t take any of his bedtime comfort things (as he thinks they will be seen as babyish) and he can’t see or speak to us. He flips from NO WAY to I dunno I don’t want to miss out on the fun bits.

He wants to go then.

Encourage him. Support him.

Focus on the things he can do rather than dwelling on the things he's not going to be able to do.

This is the moment to shower him with positivity and telling him he can do things and how its daunting but rewarding.

You have a long while to practice silly things like 'a night on the sofa without his comfort things' - but make it fun with maybe a film and pop corn.

Don't think of it as one event where he goes cold turkey. Work on it as a goal and a target to work up to in steps.

This probably won't help you, OP, but my daughter was anxious about her PGL trip, like many.
No mobiles were aloud , as previous trips had too many pupils phoning their parents and getting too upset and homesick.

The pupils were allowed to send one postcard.
These were obviously not vetted as my daughter told me what a horrendous time she was having, she was forced onto the abseiling activity and was pushed off the top! My mind was whirring and I felt so awful for her.

What I hadn't known, was that these postcards were written on day one, in between activities and that my daughter had actually asked for a second go on the abseiling as she loved it so much! ( She left this bit out on her postcard!)

Have you talked to other people who know your child well about this? Your DH/grandparents/etc

I ask because my mum would have said - and been totally sincere about it - that I would never do XYZ and she knew me that well. But she didn't, she projected a lot onto me. I am not saying you're definitely this way but asking some others might be a good way to check.

Have you asked your son what he wants to do or are you presuming he won't want to go?
At our school there were a few that didn't go. They got to go into school and sit in the year belows class.
You know your son best, some DC's that are anxious to go end up loving it but if you force your son to go and he absolutely hates it will he blame you for that? I can see how the school are encouraging him to go but they absolutely can not force him to go

We run a similar trip and whilst there are zip wires etc there is also team building raft building cycling dancing and making dens. Some of the children I thought would struggle didn't in the end. Some were a bit homesick but coped and all enjoyed it. I think you need to assume he will go and talk positively about it. If he was very unhappy and wouldn't settle they would call you.

I hated my residential because of all the walking in the rain (Yorkshire Dales trip and it rained every day but the last), I did not miss my parents at all.

One of DS2's roommates was horrible to him and stole his bedding! unfortunately the Class Teacher was not approachable and also kept yelling at them all (he is just a shouty person and was leaving the school not through his own choice) which was why DS2 didn't enjoy it.

I'm sure that's my fault somehow though!

he knows he can’t take any of his bedtime comfort things

At DC's primary, they made sure every child took a soft toy. It was made out to be a competition for the disco on the last day somehow but the real purpose was so that children who needed to take one could do so without being singled out.

Honestly I do not think this trip is make or break, DS2 did not transform into a different, more confident child from having gone on his. He was upset and cried for a few days after it, but recovered from that too.

I bigged the trip up too much tbh it sounded fun but the reality was the activities were not as promised, the teacher was grumpy and he had an unpleasant roommate.

DS1's best friend was really anxious about being away from home (he couldn't even do single overnight camps for scouts for example). He wanted to go on the Y6 residential and spent the months beforehand building up to it. He had a great time and was pleased that he'd managed it. I think his parents were on call to go and pick him up if necessary!

He doesn’t have to go, it’s not the law. I expect the school are saying that no one has ever missed it to make you aware that everyone else will likely go and he’ll be the only one in school. Dh is deputy head in a primary and this situation comes up fairly regularly. The vast majority of unsure/anxious children end up having an absolute ball. The school are probably telling you to send him because they’ve experienced this too.

@Monkeybumbum7

He doesn’t know what to do. He wants to be with his friends but he knows he can’t take any of his bedtime comfort things (as he thinks they will be seen as babyish) and he can’t see or speak to us. He flips from NO WAY to I dunno I don’t want to miss out on the fun bits.

When my kids went on their year 6 residential, the school very sensibly put Teddy bear etc on the kit list, so as to positively encourage the kids to bring anything they needed to help them sleep. Is there a more sensitive/sympathetic teacher (not the head!) that might have a more reassuring chat with him along those lines?

Op, I take it as a real encouragement that he’s dithering. This is entirely normal. Loads of kids feel torn about this kind of thing. It’s like feeling torn about whether to jump or not at the top of the zip wire. Parents feel like it too about the early stages of independence.

He’s not categorically refusing to go. It’s not as black and white as you first thought. Dont feel crap about it all. This is your parenting opportunity to help him get there with it and overcome some fears. And it’s not a linear progression. You might sign him up and some days he will be adamant he can’t go and do it and cry. And other days he will feel a bit more positive. And he might cry as he gets in the coach, and he might cry a little bit when there…..and overall have a fab time and be so proud of himself.

All you can do is encourage him. Show him you believe in him and you believe in the school to make it a good time. Loads of positivity. Plus, also that’s else that nothing has to be decided for absolute certain right now (even if you have signed up) because that little glimmer of ‘get-out’ can really help at this early stage. But you don’t make too much of the glimmer, and focus instead on the positives and building him up. Yes, to thinking ahead to a possible sleep over….at yours first, then maybe somewhere else. There’s loads of time to make baby steps.

Don’t feel crap. Both of you are entering a new phase.

Btw I do think that sometimes kids can't do things because they are too dependent on their parents, but the parents are not able to be the ones to break the cycle through no fault of their own.

Its something that the kids need to 'learn for themselves' but the context of this may need to be facilitated by people outside the family, by providing a 'clean slate' environment where there isn't the established set of 'rules' so to speak and things can be reframed in a different way.

But parents need to recognise and support the opportunity to do this, when given it.

@Monkeybumbum7

He doesn’t know what to do. He wants to be with his friends but he knows he can’t take any of his bedtime comfort things (as he thinks they will be seen as babyish) and he can’t see or speak to us. He flips from NO WAY to I dunno I don’t want to miss out on the fun bits.

Could you perhaps take a B+B nearby, so that he knows if it's really difficult someone could message you about it?

My DS was a very timid, anxious child and loved his residential in the end.

I was an incredibly homesick child and never overcame it when made to go away, and I always vowed I'd never make my kids stay away from home, so I'm a bit on the fence. It's one of those parenting moments where whatever you do is wrong. (And Mumsnet full of people ready to stick the knife in.)

I was like your son. My parents sent me and I was miserable. I honestly don’t believe I got anything out of it either.

I also grew out of it and now am a well adjusted adult. I’m still close to my mum but that didn’t stop me from going away to university, getting married, or travelling.

Honestly OP, just let him stay home.

My son was strongly encouraged to go for 3 nights away, he was only 7! I argued this was far too young! Other parents felt the same but they informed the kids before us, told them there would be a pool party etc, and so it was hard for most of them and they just relented. At that time my son was struggling with friendship groups and not wanting to go to school, every part of me knew it was the wrong thing for him.
They told me that they needed the numbers to get the deal they were getting. Then they told me he would have no teacher
Finally, myself and another mum were told they would have to sit in with the younger class for a week and read books, like a punishment.
We both took them out for the week and we went on our family holiday, bonus as didn't have to pay school holiday prices, and it helped him feel he was doing something exciting.
I thought he would have a chance every year, he is now in year 6 and because of covid there haven't been anymore. This summer he goes for 2 nights and I feel the years in between have meant he will really enjoy it and be emotionally ready for it. He can also look after himself a lot better.

That said 10 is still very young, I'd your son will hate it don't send him. I can remember wobbly children on the ones I went on spending the whole time in tears. It's not the be all and end all they have their whole lives. You must put your sons well being first, not the schools agenda. They cost such a lot too how can they insist you pay it?

Please don’t make him go my sister is in her 30s and she was saying the other day how she remembers how home sick she was and feeling like she’d never see our mum again whilst crying her self to sleep every night. The conversation came up because my sons extremely clingy and the year above him just went for there residential.

It’s totally you and your sons choice if he goes but if he changes his mind, hopefully this might help. I worked as a TA for 17 years at a primary school and went on the residential trip every single year.

There was often lots of tears the first night - and surprisingly, it was often the ‘tough’ kids that were the most homesick, not the ones you would expect. The teachers will be very used to this. Usually, by the second night, they’ve been kept so busy and are so tired, they fall asleep really quickly and all tears are forgotten. As staff, we used to make a point of bringing our own teddies and telling the pupils that we were proud to have them with us so no one felt embarrassed about having a cuddly with them too. If it’s like the education centre we always stayed at, we had a ‘camp fire’ every evening in pyjamas where we drank hot chocolate and shared our successes from the day and all teddies openly attended too!

I understand your son’s fear of heights, zip wires etc. I’m exactly the same but I’ve also been so moved to see other children being so encouraging and supportive to their peers to help them overcome their anxieties. Again, no child is ever forced to partake if they’re not happy but, I’ve observed pupils watching others doing it and then deciding they WILL have a go after all.

If however, your son still thinks it’s not for him, the staff can easily make provisions for him back at school.