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Original poster

School being unsympathetic over year 6 residential

416 replies

Monkeybumbum7 · 15/10/2021 15:17

Details of the residential have been sent out and a deposit is due next week. The deposit is non-refundable.

I have a very anxious child who never wants to stay away from home. He gets anxious at bedtime to the point of needing hundreds of cuddles before he will rest for sleep. He is a real homebody who doesn’t want to go on holiday even with us.

I’ve spoken to the school about what to do about the residential. I was told that nobody has ever missed it, and to just tell him he is going and that’s it.

I know he will be in floods of tears every day if he goes and really unhappy. They’re also not allowed to call parents if distressed.

In addition most of the activities involve heights. He hates heights. It’s all zip lines/ abseiling, that sort of thing.

I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
PackedintheUK · 15/10/2021 15:43

IME the ones who least want to go are the ones who benefit most, but they can't make you send him.

LowlandLucky · 15/10/2021 15:44

Let him stay at home

Dixiechickonhols · 15/10/2021 15:48

He doesn't have to go. Can you do a pros and cons list with him. It's good to try new things and he will feel left out if he doesn't go - all his friends will be talking about it.
But it's up to him. If he hates sleeping away and hates activities like this then it's probably best to say no.
If he fancied it in future pgl do 2 or 3 night tasters he might be comfier with that in a year or two with a friend.

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BananaPB · 15/10/2021 15:49

If just keep him at home that week.

SunshineCake1 · 15/10/2021 15:51

Please don't send him. The school have no power. They won't remember you in five years. You won't remember them in years. Why make their thoughts, decisions, demands, history more important than the security if your lovely boy.

HedgehogintheFog · 15/10/2021 15:53

I am assuming you have asked him and he doesn't want to go?

If he would love the activities but is anxious staying away I would send him anyway, as it would be a good opportunity to overcome this anxiety.

If he would enjoy being away with his friends but had a fear of heights I would send him, as it would be a good opportunity to face his fear of heights.

As he will hate being away from you AND hate the activities I think he would be too miserable to get anything out of it, and he should not go.

dad11122 · 15/10/2021 15:54

There is no way that 100 plus children could each phone their parents for 5 minutes and not totally ruin the rest of the trip. My daughter is going away soon with school and other children in the year group won't go for a variety of reasons. It's a real shame though that your son's anxiety is having such a big impact on his life at a time that should be full of excitement and fun.

KingsleyShacklebolt · 15/10/2021 15:55

How old is Year 6? About 10?

Well obviously it's up to you whether he goes or not. But it's a fairly standard rite of passage thing for 10/11/12 year olds in their final years at Primary. The kid who doesn't go misses out on a huge life experience and will feel left out.

I also think OP your entire post is very negative - all about the things he won't like, will get anxious about, hates. If you are speaking about the trip in this way to your child then it's hardly a surprise he's not keen, is it? These events are usually challenging in terms of heights, or water or hillwalking but the staff have seen it ALL before and are there to encourage and support every single child.

One thing you can't demand is special treatment for your child. No phone calls means no phone calls. Or if you don't want him to go, then you accept that he'll be shoved in a class with the year below (or wherever there's space) for the week.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 15/10/2021 15:55

Have you spoken to him about it? What does he think?
When is the trip and is the deposit small? If it’s an option could you pay it to give you both more time to consider it?

Perhaps you could have a friend or two to stay at yours and see if he feels up to going to theirs if the offer is reciprocated?

Stickyblue1987 · 15/10/2021 15:55

How far is it from home? I've known children to just attend for the daytime activities then home for the night.

Tal45 · 15/10/2021 15:57

I went on a brownie residential at that age, I really didn't want to go so my mum just booked me for one night as she thought it would be good for me. It was so much fun that I was gutted when she came to pick me up and everyone else was staying longer.

I would definitely speak to someone about his anxiety if you haven't already though as it is obviously impacting his life. This sort of behaviour is quite common with ASD so might be worth considering.

2Two · 15/10/2021 15:58

I just don't believe that no-one in the school has ever missed the residential. Have they really never had a child who has been ill at that time, or who has been kept away for religious or other reasons? I think they're just trying to put pressure on you, probably to try to ensure they have enough takers to cover costs.

beautifullymad · 15/10/2021 15:59

Please please do not send him. Just don't.

I was in this position and although on the surface during that week my child appeared to cope, their mental health really suffered and we had years of problems. We still talk about this now 5 years on.

Looking back, I was so pleased to think they were going I missed the bigger picture.

It isn't worth the fall out. Their mental health has to be first even if as parents we are anxious for them to fit in and participate.

Ijustreallywantacat · 15/10/2021 16:00

I am sure this will be hard at first, but with lots of support, I'd send him.
'd try and help him to manage his fear as well. This is the sort of thing that helps children grow, to understand their limits and how much they can really do.
It's a safe risk, a bonding experience, and rite of passage.
Imagine the excitement he might find, the growth in confidence and friendships strengthened.
If you focus on the opportunity, it might help him do the same.
It is so hard to see our children unhappy, and I do feel for you both

I'd go with this to be honest. I've taught children like this. Tears and anxiety before the school trip,then when they get there, some tears, but eventually he'll come through. I'd bet on it. Leaning in to your fear and doing it anyway is a valuable lesson.

sillysmiles · 15/10/2021 16:00

Year 6 is 10/11 years old?

He gets anxious at bedtime to the point of needing hundreds of cuddles before he will rest for sleep.

Is this normal for an 11 yr old?

What does he think? Is he interested in going but anxious as to how to manage? Does he really not want to go? If he is in 2 minds about it, talk to him as it might be a good opportunity for him. If he is adamant he doesn't want to go, don't pay the deposit.
When is the trip?

sillysmiles · 15/10/2021 16:01

I was in this position and although on the surface during that week my child appeared to cope, their mental health really suffered and we had years of problems. We still talk about this now 5 years on.

That's really interesting, what is your child's feelings on it 5 yrs on?

Staryflight445 · 15/10/2021 16:02

Why would you send him knowing all of this?
I hope you don’t. I couldn’t think of anything worse as a child than to go on these trips, I absolutely hate heights etc.

Chloemol · 15/10/2021 16:02

If you have asked and he has said no then fine dont send him

If he says yes then book but be prepared to loose the deposit

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 15/10/2021 16:02

What have the school been like to to this point?

I’m afraid you are the parent. You were hoping to share the load but ultimately what the heck could the school do?!

I kind of like their approach actually

Rosesareyellow · 15/10/2021 16:04

Does he want to go? If all his friends are going he might actually want to. I don’t think you can just keep him at home either unless you fib and say he’s ill - no one will believe you. It will be an unauthorised absence. He’ll have to go into a different year group for the week.

Kite22 · 15/10/2021 16:04

What have you done to help him with the anxiety?
Does he have a diagnosis of anything yet?
What outside help have you sought for him ?

This is where I would be focusing my energy, and would have been for a long time before getting to this point.

No, he doesn't have to go but you must also understand that, if it is their experience that everyone does go, there won't be a nice programme of events laid on for him as an alternative at school either.

JudgeRindersMinder · 15/10/2021 16:05

When is it? I wouldn’t be saying that he’s going and that’s it, but I also wouldn’t be feeding anxiety narrative either.
It’s a good that there are no refunds, anxious or not, year 6 is a good age for children to learn that they cant’t be flaky once they’ve committed to something, whether that’s going or not going, and that decisions have repercussions

NoSquirrels · 15/10/2021 16:05

Does he want to go?

Does he want to go enough to work on overcoming his worries about nighttime?

I wouldn’t worry too much about the heights issue, there’s loads to do that’s not all heights-based stuff.

In general, residential trips push children out of their comfort zones and can work wonders for self confidence if handled correctly. In the absence of special needs I’d always try to encourage a child to give it a go.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 15/10/2021 16:05

I’d expect “sympathy” from the school of a relative died, if his parents were divorcing, if he became seriously ill

NOT because he’s anxious about a bloody residential. Leave the school to do their job. And you do yours

WombatChocolate · 15/10/2021 16:06

Are you basically saying you want to be able to sign him up and then to pull-out and get a refund if it gets close to the time and he doesn’t want to go?

In the end, you can decide but you will have to choose. The school will be required to commit to numbers and the price per head will be determined by numbers going. They would like everyone to go. Kids get a lot out of these trips and if everyone goes then things are easier. They will have to staff looking after him if he doesn’t…although in reality he will probably just go in with another class, if he’s the only 1 or a couple don’t go.

It’s up to you. Just turn it down if you think he won’t cope.

Be aware that lots of kids will find aspects of going aware tricky. A degree of this is a learning experience in itself and about growing in independence. Schools will be used to helping students get over their wobbles during the time away. But if your son is too anxious for this to be manageable, then just don’t sign him up.

If he is really so anxious, I’d consider seeeing the GP about it.

So have a think, is it impossible? If so, don’t sign up. Is it possible with some hard work between now and then and worth pushing forward with because if the benefits it could bring him? If so, go for it. Either way, it is entirely up to you.

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