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Original poster

School being unsympathetic over year 6 residential

416 replies

Monkeybumbum7 · 15/10/2021 15:17

Details of the residential have been sent out and a deposit is due next week. The deposit is non-refundable.

I have a very anxious child who never wants to stay away from home. He gets anxious at bedtime to the point of needing hundreds of cuddles before he will rest for sleep. He is a real homebody who doesn’t want to go on holiday even with us.

I’ve spoken to the school about what to do about the residential. I was told that nobody has ever missed it, and to just tell him he is going and that’s it.

I know he will be in floods of tears every day if he goes and really unhappy. They’re also not allowed to call parents if distressed.

In addition most of the activities involve heights. He hates heights. It’s all zip lines/ abseiling, that sort of thing.

I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Rosesareyellow · 15/10/2021 16:06

If he struggles with bed time at home being in a room with all his friend might actually be beneficial to him - they spend ages chatting, the don’t just go to sleep straight away. It would probably create a distraction for him and he may not be as he is at home.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 15/10/2021 16:08

@Rosesareyellow

Does he want to go? If all his friends are going he might actually want to. I don’t think you can just keep him at home either unless you fib and say he’s ill - no one will believe you. It will be an unauthorised absence. He’ll have to go into a different year group for the week.
Unauthorised absence in year 6…. By that point no one really gives a hoot
beautifullymad · 15/10/2021 16:09

@sillysmiles

I was in this position and although on the surface during that week my child appeared to cope, their mental health really suffered and we had years of problems. We still talk about this now 5 years on.

That's really interesting, what is your child's feelings on it 5 yrs on?

Although they made provision for her she as she was so anxious she was still finding the changes hard.

She was excluded from social groups and bullied. She found this very hard and not being able to seek support from home (me) finished off her mental health. This wasn't an isolated incident but the not being able to communicate with home or come home made things very much worse.

If I could turn back the clock she would have benefited more from being with a few children remaining in school rather than the majority on a school residential trip.

She still refers to this trip as a mistake that damaged her. To this day she is fearful of the bullies who were on the trip.

Interested in this thread?

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Families General education
WombatChocolate · 15/10/2021 16:10

And consider how much of this is your anxiety.
Do you find this kind of thing hard? Is the idea of him being a bit upset something that triggers you and makes you find it very hard to face?

You have to judge if this is a struggle that’s worth fighting for the benefits it will bring him, or if it’s an impossible struggle that isn’t worth battling with.

Children gain SO much from these trips. Often the nervous gain the most. There will be some that it’s inappropriate for because elf severe anxiety issues…but usually these children will have a diagnosis or be seeing their GP. You have to decide how serious this anxiety is.

Comedycook · 15/10/2021 16:10

My DC's school has a year six residential trip...every years there's a handful of kids who don't go for whatever reason. The school takes them on local trips that week.

KingsleyShacklebolt · 15/10/2021 16:11

Be aware that lots of kids will find aspects of going aware tricky. A degree of this is a learning experience in itself and about growing in independence. Schools will be used to helping students get over their wobbles during the time away.

I very much agree with this. When my kids were at that stage all the parents went to the school (pre-Covid, obvs) and the residential centre did a quick presentation and a question and answer. The woman from the centre talked a lot about challenges - how for some children the challenge will be not having a phone for the 5 nights as electronics were banned, for others it would be the hillwalking, for others it would be having to choose what was for dinner at breakfast time, or putting a duvet cover on.

It's not supposed to be EASY, but the centre staff manage groups of children every week of the year and have dealt with every situation imaginable. And the sense of accomplishment when the child achieves whatever challenge they thought was impossible is a huge boost for their confidence.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 15/10/2021 16:11

@beautifullymad

That sounds horrendous

Although your daughter was being bullied. A residential would be an awful environment.

The OP doesn’t mention bullying

Bullying… I wouldn’t send. No way. Too vulnerable for the bullies taking advantage of the fact more time to be cruel and less observation from teachers

ancientgran · 15/10/2021 16:12

@WheelieBinPrincess

It’s really standard on residentials now for children not to call their parents. I’m many cases it makes anxiety and homesickness worse and they get hung up on calling/when to call/ how long etc.

I don’t think he should be sent, he won’t cope.

I got a phone call at 11 pm when my DD was on year 6 residential. School admin lady didn't believe me the next morning when I was taking younger child into school and she happily told me all was going well on the trip. I said it wasn't going well at 11 pm when they phoned me and asked me to try and settle DD over the phone. She kept telling me they never allow children to phone.

Don't worry OP, kids change. Mine was obviously struggling with the residential 10 years later she'd gone on volunteering trips with uni to Africa and India, lived in very basic accommodation and in India had potato curry for breakfast lunch and dinner every day for six weeks.

She had a brilliant time and from being the neediest of mine at 11 to the most adventurous at 21.

QOD · 15/10/2021 16:12

my dd was the same/

we took her to Crete for the week lol - except the school cocked up and had to re book the residential for an end of yr 6 term trip instead - which would have been utterly pointless for her anyway as they were all going off to half a dozen diff schools.

She had 2 extra weeks off

MintJulia · 15/10/2021 16:13

My ds, year 5 , was adamant he didn't want to go. I sent him because I wanted him to have a broader experience, but said if he hated it by the 2nd day, I'd go and collect him. By day two he was completely sold on it. In year 6 he was the first on the bus Smile

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 15/10/2021 16:14

My daughter isn't going either OP. I feel not the slightest bit bad at this, She couldnt cope with sleeping away from home, She won't even stay at her Grandparents,we tried and she doesn't mind going for the day but she always wants to come home for bed.

QOD · 15/10/2021 16:14

first trip away she did without me was NCT

we made a deal that I would wait at the end of the road until the coach left the car park and she could back out up to then, turns out she forgot to even look and wave.

She manbaged fine for those 2 weeks. left home aged 21 and happy as larry
just a home bird

DobbyTheHouseElk · 15/10/2021 16:14

Don’t send him.

At our primary school the residentials are optional but encouraged. There’s always a few who stay at school and don’t go. Some went one year and hated it so didn’t go again.

I think schools encourage pupils to take part because if they stay at school there isn’t any staff to teach them, so they are a loose end. Although this year they laid on staff to do fun activities for the children who didn’t go. Art and sports and no curriculum.

TableFlowerss · 15/10/2021 16:14

Just don’t send him. My DC didn’t want to go on their residential so I told school they aren’t going. They did try to persuade me and DC but they didn’t want to go so I wasn’t going to force them.

A couple of the other kids didn’t go either so the teacher took them all for a day which was nice. DC asked me if I could take them and drop them off and pick them up each day! 🤣🤣 absolutely not, you either go properly or you don’t lol

Hullabaloo31 · 15/10/2021 16:16

I'm all for giving them a nudge to go for their own good, but then it's also a completely optional trip. It's entirely up to you and him and irrelevant what 'usually' happens.

Kb2942 · 15/10/2021 16:20

I could have written this myself op. Similar dilemma. Ds is autistic and really doesn't want to go. I'm grateful they have included him but he doesn't want to go. After the school putting pressure on for him to go I've put my foot down. He won't sleep, he won't enjoy the activities or anything - if he wanted to go I would definitely send him.

I find it hard to believe that all children go. There has to be children that done go. I never went on residentials at primary and h don't feel like I've missed out.

The reasons schools are so adamant they should go is because if they don't go they have to make arrangements in school even harder currently due to covid!

You're the parent, he doesn't want to go, they can't force it!

MrsFin · 15/10/2021 16:21

I know he will be in floods of tears every day if he goes and really unhappy. They’re also not allowed to call parents if distressed.

As a veteran of many, many Brownie residentials, I'm pretty sure he'll be fine.

At every event there are one or two parents worried about how their child will cope without their kids goodnight, their favourite teddy, whatever, but their kids are absolutely fine. In the heat of the moment, with all his peers around him, he'll forget all about his usual routines. Plus he'll be absolutely knackered - the event leaders will make sure of that!

DroopyClematis · 15/10/2021 16:21

You say that he never wants to stay away from home. Does that mean that you don't ever go away?
How is he when you do go away?

In any case , I'd probably not send him if he is so anxious about it but would speak to the GP about this level of anxiety.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/10/2021 16:21

He's 10ish,so old enough to understand. Ask him and trust his judgement if he says no.

NumberTheory · 15/10/2021 16:23

Unless you have lots of money, I would be cautious about putting down a non-refundable deposit for a trip I thought he might not go on or wouldn't get anything out of if he did.

Lots of kids do get anxious about going on school trips but love it in the end. However, not many kids dislike going on holiday with their family, so I think you may well have a kid who won't benefit from being pushed into it a bit the way many might.

I would ask friends or family you trust who know him well to give you a second opinion on whether it might be a good idea. But I would pay no attention to sweeping statements from the school like "nobody has ever missed it" or "just tell him he is going and that’s it". Schools have a different, much narrower agenda than parents do. Use your best judgement.

ginnybag · 15/10/2021 16:23

I wouldn't force him on a trip he absolutely doesn't want to go on, but I would be paying the deposit and then using the time between then and now to work with the school to tackle the extreme anxiety and lack of confidence.

Assuming the trip is in the summer term, as they normally are, then he'll be a matter of weeks away from Secondary school at that point. Even at the most supportive, inclusive school, he's going to be expected to manage without you.

WombatChocolate · 15/10/2021 16:24

Some of this can be about parents.

Some parents don’t like the idea of residentials or their child not having contact with home. They see dangers everywhere and they worry about their child’s ability to cope. They don’t really think about the incremental steps to independence needed in growing up. And some parents don’t trust schools or have a good relationship with the school. They think the school sets out to be unkind or unhelpful or isn’t caring. All of these things, as much as children and their worries can make it difficult for children to be signed up to these trips. Parental attitude usually rubs off on the child and if the parent is anxious or dislikes the schools and doesn’t trust it, the kids will probably feel the same. So Op, I’d consider if there might be an element of this going on here too. You are very negative about the trip and I wonder if you reported exactly what was said in the conversation with school, or if you approached the discussion in a co-operative discussion way, or started from a point of refusal and lack of co-operation. To be honest, if you did, you might not even recognise it.

A few kids will be better not to go on these trips, as mentioned usually those where a diagnosis has been given already and help for anxiety is in place. Does a disanosis exist? Is the school aware of it? Usually schools go out if their way to overcome difficulties and help children come on these trips as they know kids who are nervous can benefit the most.

However, if a parent is very negative and anti the trip, there is only so much the school can do. They have policies like no phones for really good reasons as mentioned above and which will be fully explained to parents, but if some parents cannot agree to such policies, then quite simply it won’t be possible for the child to go.

This is about seeing the opportunity and trusting the school. They and the providers will have run these trips countless times. They know what they are doing and what works. Min the end you know your child best and have to choose for them. The vast majority would benefit hugely from going and you have to decide if your child is one of the very few who won’t. If so, I really would be looking for external help for his issues ..not so he can go on the trip, but because they must be fairly significant,

RufustheBadgeringReindeer · 15/10/2021 16:25

I wouldn’t send him

I went on the residential year 6 trips with two of my children (due to bed wetting issues) but if I hadn’t been able to attend and they didn’t want to go I wouldn’t have sent them

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 15/10/2021 16:26

I know he will be in floods of tears every day if he goes and really unhappy. They’re also not allowed to call parents if distressed.

If you know this, then what on earth is your dilemma

SerialGoogler · 15/10/2021 16:26

Another one coming on to say you don't have to send him. My youngest wasn't at all ready for the Y2 residential that was delayed until this year (Y4). He still wasn't ready even though we were given the option of him going. He just went into school with the other children who weren't going.
I'll encourage him a lot to go in Y6 because I see the value in it, but it isn't going to damage his future if he doesn't. Kids mature at different rates and most get there in the end. If it was a few nerves I'd have pushed it but it's far more than that for us.

Very odd for the school to make it sound compulsory.