School being unsympathetic over year 6 residential

[Monkeybumbum7]

Details of the residential have been sent out and a deposit is due next week. The deposit is non-refundable.

I have a very anxious child who never wants to stay away from home. He gets anxious at bedtime to the point of needing hundreds of cuddles before he will rest for sleep. He is a real homebody who doesn’t want to go on holiday even with us.

I’ve spoken to the school about what to do about the residential. I was told that nobody has ever missed it, and to just tell him he is going and that’s it.

I know he will be in floods of tears every day if he goes and really unhappy. They’re also not allowed to call parents if distressed.

In addition most of the activities involve heights. He hates heights. It’s all zip lines/ abseiling, that sort of thing.

I don’t know what to do.

I wouldn't force him to go, if he genuinely doesn't want to go - how would that even work? School would rather he went because they will have to provide him with alternative stuff to do. We had to no phone calls rule at scout camp...the leaders posted pics on the facebook group, I knew ds was bloody miserable - I saw his misery in every single pic so I called them and they lied and said he's fine and settled - he really wasn't - they just didn't want to allow one to go home because it would open the flood gates. Institutions operate to serve the masses not the individual - he survived but it was tough week for both of us.

There are some children who need coaxing and will actually enjoy it when they get there but there are also some who will genuinely hate every moment of it if made to go.
Mine was one of the latter - DH felt DS would miss out if he didn’t go and claimed that my negativity was the reason DS wasn’t keen so we both encouraged DS to go. He wasn’t homesick, didn’t cry or anything but he just didn’t enjoy a minute of it and when the next one was announced I backed him when he refused to go. Even The Head said it was the right decision
If your son really doesn’t want to go then he shouldn’t

It does create some headaches if a couple of kids don’t go. However, that isn’t the key reason they are encouraging it. Ultimately if a couple stay behind, they will join another class and have a pretty dull week. That’s just how it will have to be.

The reason they are Ken for him to go is because they know he is likely to benefit.

The approach of parents to why schools push this,reflects their attitudes towards school. Some see the school as the enemy or an selfish and uncaring, rather than having the interest of the kid at heart.

I think it is unlikely every child always goes. If they said this, it is unlikely to be quite true. Over the years, for various reasons, a small percentage won’t go. This isn’t the issue really though. In the end it is your choice as it cannot be compulsory. And surely you know that…..again, the suggestion the school forces people on trips suggests an attitude that the school is the enemy or an attitude of mistrust.

You will need to trust the school to send him. They run these most years and do know what they are doing. But if you don’t trust the school, the barrier is one for you, never mind your son.

What are you doing about his issues regardless of the trip? What progress have you made? Maybe this can give you an idea of how much progress is feasible between now and the trip.

Personally, I would send him, but I think children need to be helped to overcome. My niece was very anxious about the activities, becoming almost hysterical frequently, nearly refused to go the weekend of. She hated heights, the outdoorsy stuff, and ok she didn't manage the tallest one but her Yr6 trip was transformative, and gained so much confidence.

What nonsense. It cannot possibly be true that no one has ever missed the year 6 residential.

It’s your child OP. Don’t send him.

@MrsRobbieHart

What nonsense. It cannot possibly be true that no one has ever missed the year 6 residential.

It’s your child OP. Don’t send him.

I agree. I remember kids not going as families couldn't afford it.

Listen to WombatChocolate, OP.

Don't send him if they will be doing things he wouldn't be able to cope with. A child terrified of heights will not take well to zip lines and abseiling. A comparison would be going to a work team building course and being told you had to stand in a pit with spiders.

Thinking about it I also knew one who was told he couldn't go the week before the trip, his behaviour was terrible and he had been given chance after chance but did something bad the week before and school said no as they had to think of the safety of the other kids. Extreme example I know but I bet it isn't the only time it's happened.

Don’t send him? Simple.

Wow a real mixed bag of answers. Some people obviously think I’m a wet flannel who is projecting some supposed issues or feelings I have onto him. Others are saying no way should he go.

He has never been one of those kids who is happy go lucky and throws himself into whatever activities. He is interested in new things- he is about to learn guitar, and goes to several clubs.

But he is never going to do abseiling or climbing or zip lining. Not in a million years. And no I’m not holding him back by saying that, I just know my child.

As for my perception of what the school said to me, what I said they said was their exact words. The head teacher is quite a cold matter of fact person and said to just tell him he is going. The office told me nobody has ever missed the trip.

The cost for the trip of £550. No small amount of money.

The cost for the trip of £550. No small amount of money.

There is no way all of his classmates are going at that price.
We had cheaper trips abroad than that.

@Monkeybumbum7

Wow a real mixed bag of answers. Some people obviously think I’m a wet flannel who is projecting some supposed issues or feelings I have onto him. Others are saying no way should he go.

He has never been one of those kids who is happy go lucky and throws himself into whatever activities. He is interested in new things- he is about to learn guitar, and goes to several clubs.

But he is never going to do abseiling or climbing or zip lining. Not in a million years. And no I’m not holding him back by saying that, I just know my child.

As for my perception of what the school said to me, what I said they said was their exact words. The head teacher is quite a cold matter of fact person and said to just tell him he is going. The office told me nobody has ever missed the trip.

The cost for the trip of £550. No small amount of money.

It's a no brainer then isn't it?

He's not goinng.

I don't believe everyone can afford £550 and I don't believe everyone would want to spend £550 on a trip they think their child won't enjoy even if they can afford it.

I don't believe it is all down to parents either, I've got 4, 2 wanted to go on every trip, one was OK with the main trips through school and one wasn't keen to go and I regret sending that one on the year 6 residential.

@Monkeybumbum7

Wow a real mixed bag of answers. Some people obviously think I’m a wet flannel who is projecting some supposed issues or feelings I have onto him. Others are saying no way should he go.

He has never been one of those kids who is happy go lucky and throws himself into whatever activities. He is interested in new things- he is about to learn guitar, and goes to several clubs.

But he is never going to do abseiling or climbing or zip lining. Not in a million years. And no I’m not holding him back by saying that, I just know my child.

As for my perception of what the school said to me, what I said they said was their exact words. The head teacher is quite a cold matter of fact person and said to just tell him he is going. The office told me nobody has ever missed the trip.

The cost for the trip of £550. No small amount of money.

I don’t think you are a wet blanket for being concerned about your son

I think you are being unreasonable re the school

What were you hoping for? YOU are the parent. YOU know your son.

You say you KNOW he will cry and hate it.

So there’s your answer.

Good to hear you don’t have issues with the school. Lots of people do and it does act as a real barrier to their child making progress in lots of ways.

In the end you know your child best. Lots of kids haven’t done abseiling etc before or the idea if it terrifies them and their parents. And then they do it and get a lot out of it. Even those who will never do it again or it won’t become their ‘thing’ can get a lot out if it. But if you’re certain this will be a week of misery for him, then you need to trust your judgement on that.

It seems unlikely that everyone has always gone, but perhaps it’s true. In the end though, that’s irrelevant in your decision. It’s your child you have to think of. Perhaps he is the one from across all these years who really couldn’t get anything out of the trip and would be better at home.

Is the price putting you off and influencing you? These things aren’t cheap and I can see it feels a lot for something you think he might not like.

What about help for his anxiety? Are you doing something about that? Most children, should be able to go on a trip like this, even after some wobbles and support from home and school and get someingnoositive from it , rather than it being an overwhelmingly negative experience. Anyone who can’t, probably does have fairly significant issues which need some help. It’s worth recognising that and considering what’s so different about your son if everyone or very close to everyone has always gone previously….just something to consider to help you perhaps weigh your feelings about this. But in the end, your choice.

Is this private OP?

Otherwise I point blank think you’re fibbing when you say everyone if going

DD didn't go on her school residential week. She's autistic and was petrified at the thought of being away from home for a week, with girls who essentially made her time at school miserable anyway. We told the school she wasn't going and they accepted it, reluctantly, and she spent the week in a different class. She has no regrets, doesn't feel she missed anything important. She's 15 now and looking forward to college next year.

Oh good god I’m not fibbing! What would the point of that be?! His school is in a very affluent area, I don’t know what to tell you!

Anxiety: I spoke with a friend who is a childhood psychologist and she said it’s quite common for them to be like this at this age. She recommended some books for me which I’ve got.

Don’t send him, for the sake of the other kids and teachers. When one of mine went on a residential years ago, one of the kids did nothing but cry every night which was a nightmare for everyone else. The mother knew about the child’s nervousness beforehand but still sent her.

@Monkeybumbum7

Oh good god I’m not fibbing! What would the point of that be?! His school is in a very affluent area, I don’t know what to tell you!

Anxiety: I spoke with a friend who is a childhood psychologist and she said it’s quite common for them to be like this at this age. She recommended some books for me which I’ve got.

How many children? Each class 33 pupils.

If you feel that strongly don't send him.

But school residentials can be the making of many children. It will improve his confidence and develop his independence.

The staff (at the centre) are well trained and used to supporting children in their adjustment from being away home.

He will be ok.

In the meantime I'd encourage you to organise some sleepovers with friends or relatives to get him used to being away from home.

Even better enrol him in Cubs and get him away camping with them on shorter trips to prepare him.

I don't think you're fibbing OP but the school is definitely telling big fat lies.

Sounds like a PGL type trip to me. Because if the equipment and cost if instructors and insurance etc, they are really expensive to run.

Schools choose them because the PGL centre has all the insurances and doesall the risk assessments. And the activities are great for stretching kids and giving them a huge boost in confidence. Most schools won’t allow staff to take kids away now without specialist staff - the risks involved are too great. But it does bump up the price and yes £550 could be the price of a family holiday. £550 sounds like perhaps a 5 day trip and maybe it is an independent school, as that price seems high for everyone to be able to afford it. State schools might go for a 2 day and 1 night trip which would still be expensive but perhaps £250-300 for a short end version. Still expensive.

And the price causes resentment sometimes too. People don’t realise how much these trips do cost. They think the school is creaming off money, rather than they often make a loss and staff have to be away 24/7 and are giving up their time. And then there’s all the paperwork and admin in advance which is vast. Schools really wouldn’t put themselves to all this work if they didn’t feel there was a genuine benefit.

Perhaps it is a Prep school and money isn’t the factor for most parents, but even in Prep schools, there will be some families for whom the extras are a real stretch. I can understand reluctance to form out a large sum for an activity you think your child won’t really love. But I guess I’d see it as part of the broader curriculum bringing other advantages ans suck it up. Sounds like price isn’t helping, but it isn’t the key issue for Op though.

@Monkeybumbum7 Does your DS have sleepovers at friends houses?