School being unsympathetic over year 6 residential

[Monkeybumbum7]

Details of the residential have been sent out and a deposit is due next week. The deposit is non-refundable.

I have a very anxious child who never wants to stay away from home. He gets anxious at bedtime to the point of needing hundreds of cuddles before he will rest for sleep. He is a real homebody who doesn’t want to go on holiday even with us.

I’ve spoken to the school about what to do about the residential. I was told that nobody has ever missed it, and to just tell him he is going and that’s it.

I know he will be in floods of tears every day if he goes and really unhappy. They’re also not allowed to call parents if distressed.

In addition most of the activities involve heights. He hates heights. It’s all zip lines/ abseiling, that sort of thing.

I don’t know what to do.

OP don't forget there are some absolute witches on the internet, ignore them. Talk about encouraging toxic masculinity, I wondered if they'd be saying the same were your child a girl? No wonder we are in the mess that we're in ffs

I can't speak from experience as a parent with an anxious child (my daughter is only a baby), however I was a homebody as a kid (still am tbh) and my honest advice would be let him decide if he wants to go or not. Talk to him about the trip and ask him to have a think about it, if he doesn't want to go I wouldn't make him.

He will just get upset and so will you, for what? Because some teachers thinks they know better than you? Because some strangers on the internet think they know better?

Follow your instincts, you know best.

Well given he is a maybe I would pay the deposit. Is the trip not until the summer term? How many nights? How far away from home?
1 child in my son's y6 went for the daytimes but it was a lot of driving for his parents.

I would pay the deposit so he keeps his options open and has more time to think about it, and you just accept you might lose it.

I was that kid who didn’t want to go. I was at a small primary where everyone always went so I knew it wasn’t an option and would be humiliating if I didn’t.

Is it close enough you could take him for the days?

If he’s dithering definitely sign him up for now.

With my kids there has been one or two that doesn’t go but it’s very tough as they talk about it a lot afterwards.

For me the anxiety leading up to it was worse than the actual thing, although I did cry a lot at night there. The teachers were very kind and comforting. I’m sure they’re used to kids getting homesick.
And there will be a variety of activities I’m sure.

One or two in my kids class that is, my own kids have gone.

The activities I wouldn't worry about, with his peers around him he will do things you would not imagine he was capable of. I also think you do need to push him, albeit gently, out of his comfort zone because he's 11, or soon to be, and going to secondary next year where he needs to be more self sufficient. Kids do surprise you too.

I wouldn't make him go but that said I would strongly encourage him. My DD's did residentials from 7 as they are (pt) choristers and the person worrying was me! My dd was very cuddly at night and was still routinely climbing into my bed but was ok away, she did take her bear though, that said bear went to university too and many of the lads also brought soft toys I noticed!

Havd him go
With get out after one night
That if he needs you pick him up on second day
He might manage better than you think k

You don't have to send him. You could say that you'll take and collect (if it's a reasonable distance) and he can do the day activities. Ultimately, you are the parent and there is nothing at all the school can do if you say he's not going.

Don't send him if he doesn't want to go and don't feel bad about it either.

£550 is a lot of money and I'd be so disappointed if I spent that on someone having a miserable time. He might enjoy it though. My best friend in year 7 was homesick during our first residential trip. She was fine during the day but used to cry on the phone to her mum in the evening because she missed her. She was fine again about half an hour later after she'd had time to calm down and then get distracted by our after dinner activities. She was relieved to be going home but did enjoy herself most of the time. She found our year 8 trip easier. Still missed her mum but didn't cry at all.

I suppose don’t send him but you need to get him some help for his anxiety. It’s fine to be a bit anxious and a trip away from home is a big event but you description of his bedtime routine at age 10, he needs some professional help.

Only question I have is does he have younger siblings?

If you can afford to lose the deposit I’d pay that and see where you are when the next lot of money needs paying . My daughter went on a residential in yr5 , we thought she’d be ok and was keen to go but 1 had a phone call on day 2 to say she was being very sick and I needed to collect her . I drive to Dorset ( from Kent ) to collect her and as soon as she got in the car she felt better - we even stopped for lunch on the way home . The yr 6 residential was in Brittany so we didn’t bother as it would have been a lot more hassle when I needed to get her back .

They can't force him. My eldest has been twice. He came back wet and dirty with a case full of clean clothes and looked like he'd lost half a stone, the first time. He went again a year later and said he hated it, the food was horrible and it was freezing at night and he didn't sleep. If there were no issues I'd suggest letting him go for the experience but if you know for sure he's going to hate it, there's no point in him going. One of my other kids has SEN and I am reluctant to let him go. I honestly don't think he'll be able to cope with it.

Does the school only offer the weeks residential for Y6? We used to start them at Y3 with a Friday night school movie sleepover (go home, have food, come back at 7.00 , movie in the hall, into pjs , hot choc, teeth cleaning, sleep (eventually! ) over, pick up at 8.00 am) . Then in Y4 and 5 it was camping at local campground for 2/3 nights. Dirt cheap and low key , so even kids who didn’t have the wherewithal or inclination for a week away for the Y6 residential had the chance for a trip. Even anxious kids were able to cope with the sleepover, and a lot managed the camping too.

If kids haven’t been away with Cubs/ brownies or even staying overnight with relatives (and a lot haven’t) then the thought of a whole week can be daunting. Though to be honest, by the time it gets to night two on an active residential most are so tired they sleep like lambs, but they don’t know that of course.

Two children in my son's year didn't go. I felt a bit sad for them, as they had to still go to school, but I knew the parents and respected their decision. In one case it was due to very severe allergies, the other was someone similiar to your dc, whose parents didn't think he would enjoy it.

On the other hand I know a few children who have really surprised themselves and everyone else by how much they've enjoyed the Y6 trip and I've also helped on a couple of Cubs trips where I've been surprised by how confident some of the more timid children were when taken out of their normal environment. So try and have an open mind when thinking about what your ds might do in that environment. But at the end of the day if he really doesn't want to go and it's going to cause anxiety and upset, don't send him.

So to answer questions: it’s 5 nights away and about 5 hours drive away.

He is an only child which may play a role in his clinginess, who knows.

I agree with Unbearable. You and your son can decide that he isn't going, but from your description, he could miss out on other opportunities in life, if the underlying reasons are not looked into. If it is a question of not being able to afford the trip, then that is one matter. Otherwise maybe, as others have said, pay the deposit and in the meantime work on him seeing the trip in a positive light, talk through strategies of coping with any anxieties he raises. If he is allowed to avoid situations that make him anxious, in a way it is confirming he is right to be anxious about them. He may be upset nearer the time when his class mates are getting excited about the trip, that he has decided not to go and then it will be too late. If you feel some active encouragement and discussion of coping strategies are not going to be sufficient, it could be worthwhile exploring what further support he could need to manage his anxiety. This trip is designed to prepare them for more independence and confidence, it helps them when they go to secondary school, where there will be many more trips to go on.

I think you know your child better than the school and you will know whether to encourage to go or not. I do think the "just tell him he's going" advice is truly dreadful and would not make me think well of the school's pastoral attitude.

DD recently went on a similar trip age 8 (which I initially thought was far too young tbh). Like your DS she is a homebody, gets homesick on holiday (even with us) and was cuddled to sleep. Also hates heights!

Anyway, she went and she absolutely loved it. Added bonus she no longer needs to be cuddled to sleep, we worked on this pre trip and she did some sleepovers too.

I absolutely wouldn’t force a child who really didn’t want to go, but if he is wavering I would gently encourage him. I think there’s a big chance he might regret not going if all his friends come back buzzing.

If it’s PGL they do a video which is quite encouraging and reassuring and makes it look really fun and also explains safety etc.

I would 1) tell him you'll make a final decision closer to the time) 2)pay the deposit if I could afford to lose it 3)starting putting away £ to pay for trip but don't pay in instalments hang on until near the time 4) start having a few longer play dates and have children to sleepover at your house 5) build up to longer play dates at friends house until he's ready to sleep over at a friends house.

And then put it to one side and see how he develops over the next few months.

If misses the trip it won't be the end of the world. DS avoided a lot of the height related activities (they don't frog March them!) but he did enjoy things like raft building.

From their attitude I would be concerned that they will force him to do activities that he's scared of against his will. So if he were my son I wouldn't send him.

@SoupDragon

he knows he can’t take any of his bedtime comfort things

At DC's primary, they made sure every child took a soft toy. It was made out to be a competition for the disco on the last day somehow but the real purpose was so that children who needed to take one could do so without being singled out.

Absolutely this. Cuddly toys were a mandatory packing item! The teachers reminded them all in the run-up and told them they’d be checking their packing and would get rewarded for having everything.

Your DS will not be the only anxious one at bedtime, the only one who needs a comfort item. Honestly he won’t, regardless of what his friends act like or say.

On the point of “I know my child, they’ll never in a million years do that” - be open to the possibility of being surprised!

Even if the headmaster is a cold person, it won’t be him supervising the trip, I assume?

Could you afford to stay nearby and drop him off / pick him up each night? Or build up different bedtime comforts such as a special blanket or hoodie?

Tbh it might do him the world of good, it would be a shame for him to miss out.

@Couldhavebeenme3

How much is the deposit? I'd be tempted to pay and use the time between now and then to get to the bottom of why he's so anxious. Does he have diagnosed anxiety or additional needs? Not wanting to go on holiday with parents is very unusual, and needing hundreds of cuddles at bedtime sounds quite worrying at 10/11 years old. He's heading to secondary school soon, he needs to be learning some coping techniques for all the new experiences.

It's not that unusual. Actually one of my athletes is about 6 ft and looks about 30 but he's only 15 and wouldn't want to be away from his mum yet on that kind of thing, don't make the OP feel like there's something wrong with her son because there isn't. We are all different.

OP keep him home if you want to, your son, your choice. You might see him really surprise himself and blossom if he does go though, you'd be surprised. But you know him better than anyone. Don't feel pushed into anything.

I asked my oldest Ds as I knew he would struggle with the sleeping there side of the residential.
I just knew I would end up having to drive over 100 mile to pick him up in the middle of the night. My friend had to go and get her son at midnight same residential 2 years later.
Next child I asked and knew he'd love it and he did. So did the youngest one.
Go with your gut you know your kid best.