School being unsympathetic over year 6 residential

[Monkeybumbum7]

Details of the residential have been sent out and a deposit is due next week. The deposit is non-refundable.

I have a very anxious child who never wants to stay away from home. He gets anxious at bedtime to the point of needing hundreds of cuddles before he will rest for sleep. He is a real homebody who doesn’t want to go on holiday even with us.

I’ve spoken to the school about what to do about the residential. I was told that nobody has ever missed it, and to just tell him he is going and that’s it.

I know he will be in floods of tears every day if he goes and really unhappy. They’re also not allowed to call parents if distressed.

In addition most of the activities involve heights. He hates heights. It’s all zip lines/ abseiling, that sort of thing.

I don’t know what to do.

Your DS reminds me of me. I can't stand any of those things either!

You’ve told us what he’s like at home but what is he like at school when he’s with his friends? I’ve taken many children on primary school residentials and parents anxiety often rubs off on the child, but once they are in a new environment the excitement of the other children rubs off on them. He won’t be forced to join in an activity that he doesn’t want to do but will be encouraged and if he does have a go and succeeds it will do wonders for his self esteem. The children I feel sorry for are those who don’t go on the residential trip and have to listen to all the excited conversations about what they did on the return of the class. Be brave, let him go. It will prepare him for residential trips in secondary school and one day, leaving home for university or work.

He won’t be forced to join in an activity that he doesn’t want to do but will be encouraged For my kids that would have meant the same thing - teacher’s encouragement meant no choice - they didn’t want to say no to their teachers - I did finally convince dd to say no to something she didn’t want to do - teacher didn’t take it too well - but her reaction was witnessed by another member of staff - so she couldn’t deny it. Teachers are controlling by their nature - I would not trust an anxious child with a teacher for multiple David unless I knew that teacher very well!

multiple David?- I meant multiple days!

@Ijustreallywantacat

*I am sure this will be hard at first, but with lots of support, I'd send him. 'd try and help him to manage his fear as well. This is the sort of thing that helps children grow, to understand their limits and how much they can really do. It's a safe risk, a bonding experience, and rite of passage. Imagine the excitement he might find, the growth in confidence and friendships strengthened. If you focus on the opportunity, it might help him do the same. It is so hard to see our children unhappy, and I do feel for you both*

I'd go with this to be honest. I've taught children like this. Tears and anxiety before the school trip,then when they get there, some tears, but eventually he'll come through. I'd bet on it. Leaning in to your fear and doing it anyway is a valuable lesson.

I'm not for one minute suggesting your child had the same experience, but on the flip side, my parents would say this.

Reality is I hated every moment but had learned to put on the brave face.

Which has affected me ever since, friends even try to make me go to things I've said I don't enjoy because I appeared to at the time.
It may 'work' for some but it doesn't for everyone.

My friend has a DS. She tells people how anxious he is. That he's quiet, introverted, struggles at school to join in. Hates getting involved in trips and events. Has no friends. He is scared to put his hand up and spends play time alone.

Having worked in that school for a protracted period of time over several of his school years, I can tell you that that just isn't true in school! He was absolutely not like she described.

It seems, at home, she puts her anxiety on to him (not on purpose but she does project!) and he plays up to it, at home.

I'm not for a second suggesting that's the case here. But it happens. I've seen it! It will form quite a few teacher opinions on here, I guess.

I'm still very grateful my dad was sensible about me! My mum would have sent me under, confidence wise.

@bossyrossy

You’ve told us what he’s like at home but what is he like at school when he’s with his friends? I’ve taken many children on primary school residentials and parents anxiety often rubs off on the child, but once they are in a new environment the excitement of the other children rubs off on them. He won’t be forced to join in an activity that he doesn’t want to do but will be encouraged and if he does have a go and succeeds it will do wonders for his self esteem. The children I feel sorry for are those who don’t go on the residential trip and have to listen to all the excited conversations about what they did on the return of the class. Be brave, let him go. It will prepare him for residential trips in secondary school and one day, leaving home for university or work.

Don't blame parents, it is ridiculous as many families will have a child that will try anything go anywhere and another child who is nervous or clingy or anxious. As Autumnbaths says for some children (my anxious one) feel they have to do what the teacher wants.

I think for some children it doesn't do wonders for their self esteem, they come home unhappy and feeling they didn't do well, often reinforced by the sporty confident kids making fun of them.

If only we were able to predict which kids will rise to a challenge and which kids will be floored by it - life would be so much easier. Adults don't always understand what's going on either.
My ds had a miserable time at cub camp but he wouldn't say that in front of the cub leader as it would seem rude - so the cub leader goes off telling us how ds was upset initially but he came round and absolutely loved it. Here's what really happened, but I only just found when he turned 18 - he was bullied by an older kid and was completely miserable and wanted ot go home but wasn't allowed but he decided to stand up for himself, shoving the older boy back, letting him know that he wouldn't tolerate the bullying anymore. After that he didn't feel quite so miserable - so the cub leader had interpreted his improved mood as a settling in and rising to a challenge thing - it wasn't - he never went on another camp again!

@Autumnbaths

He won’t be forced to join in an activity that he doesn’t want to do but will be encouraged For my kids that would have meant the same thing - teacher’s encouragement meant no choice - they didn’t want to say no to their teachers - I did finally convince dd to say no to something she didn’t want to do - teacher didn’t take it too well - but her reaction was witnessed by another member of staff - so she couldn’t deny it. Teachers are controlling by their nature - I would not trust an anxious child with a teacher for multiple David unless I knew that teacher very well!

DS said he felt very very pressured to do activities he didn’t want to do and was shamed into doing them on his Y4 trip. One of the reasons he refused to go on the Y6 one

This is the thing l hate about school, everybody is expected to enjoy it.
It's obviously not for him, and to be honest I was and still am very outdoorsy yet this would fill me with dread, even today.
Traipsing round with a bunch of people you don't necessarily want to be with twenty four seven ?
Neither of my two went on theirs, they survived !
They actually had a really nice few days at school in a quieter group, the teachers made sure they had fun things to do to and not once did they ever feel like they had missed out.
My advice would definitely be don't make him go.

@Autumnbaths

If only we were able to predict which kids will rise to a challenge and which kids will be floored by it - life would be so much easier. Adults don't always understand what's going on either. My ds had a miserable time at cub camp but he wouldn't say that in front of the cub leader as it would seem rude - so the cub leader goes off telling us how ds was upset initially but he came round and absolutely loved it. Here's what really happened, but I only just found when he turned 18 - he was bullied by an older kid and was completely miserable and wanted ot go home but wasn't allowed but he decided to stand up for himself, shoving the older boy back, letting him know that he wouldn't tolerate the bullying anymore. After that he didn't feel quite so miserable - so the cub leader had interpreted his improved mood as a settling in and rising to a challenge thing - it wasn't - he never went on another camp again!

So in trying to be polite you've left a situation where other kids might have a problem with another kid and the cub leader who might try and fix/resolve issues and improve the way they run the camp in future is none the wiser. Then you seem to blame the camp leader. And say nothing about your own lack of communication skills.

You don't have to raise formal complaints but do make constructive feedback.

No one benefits from being overly polite.

Just don't pay the deposit! Really, what are they gonna do, sue you for the money? They're definitely not going to take him if you don't pay

@RedToothBrush Probably abit late to raise it when the "cub" was 18 and told his parents.

I did have a horrifying experience about cubs when I was helping at my children's school, I used to go in every week and do 1 to 1 reading with kids or help with art and craft stuff. Sitting at a table with 6 children I was busy trying to undo the knots in something, think the kids forgot I was there and one little boy was describing to another how he had been sexually abused in the tent at camp. I said nothing but reported it to the teacher. I never heard what happened, figured no one would tell me as it was none of my business but 25 years later I still worry in case nothing was done. I never heard any gossip about the leader and I was one of the leaders at another group nearby.

Daughters the same residential trip for 2 nights 3 days. Daughter in no way will go and stay there. I've told the school no. No questions asked and wouldn't be arsed if they said no child has ever missed it. Your child's missing it so they need to get over it

If they’re unhelpful don’t send him.

I booked a b&b five mins away and picked dd up at night!

@RedToothBrush I'm afraid I had no choice the event was several years ago. My point was adults don't see everything - I knew he was miserable the whole time (feeding that back would have been pointless) but I didn't know bullying was the cause, neither did the leaders - but they were there - they saw what they wanted to see - him growing due to the challenge the leaders had set - but that was not what was happening at all. He was rather embarrassed when he told me he shoved the bully - he says sometimes it's the only way and even though I didn't like it - I think he's right.
He was an anxious, sensitive kid - he grew up slowly - less emotionally mature than his peers which was hard - he needed time to grow up, not challenges although all that running jumping climbing stuff was never the problem - it was the social side, he needed time to mature and support to go at his own pace. And he got there, when it happened it was almost overnight. Off to Uni in the other end of the country and happy, missing us but having a fab time - his eyes are smiling every time I speak to him. He knows I have his back and he knows I'm so excited for the adventures he will have a Uni - he's ready for them!