School being unsympathetic over year 6 residential

[Monkeybumbum7]

Details of the residential have been sent out and a deposit is due next week. The deposit is non-refundable.

I have a very anxious child who never wants to stay away from home. He gets anxious at bedtime to the point of needing hundreds of cuddles before he will rest for sleep. He is a real homebody who doesn’t want to go on holiday even with us.

I’ve spoken to the school about what to do about the residential. I was told that nobody has ever missed it, and to just tell him he is going and that’s it.

I know he will be in floods of tears every day if he goes and really unhappy. They’re also not allowed to call parents if distressed.

In addition most of the activities involve heights. He hates heights. It’s all zip lines/ abseiling, that sort of thing.

I don’t know what to do.

It was a long time ago that my children went on Residential trips, but one of them didn’t.
She was always much better with the boys. Friendships were hard with the girls. I didn’t want her to have to live and breathe these girls for a week, share a dormitory etc. I said she wasn’t going, and that was that. The school had no choice. In fact there were, I think, two other girls who didn’t go for the same reasons as my daughter. We did other things that week which I think benefited her more. It had no long term consequences. It was just a trip.

At senior school, she made great friends. She is 32 now, and just had her first baby, after years of travelling around with her husband doing all sorts of things.

My other three children went on theirs, and they weren’t life changing. Nobody cares. You stick to what’s best for your child. He’ll be with you forever. To everyone else, it’s just until the memory fades.

Don’t let the school make you feel guilty if you don’t want him to go he is your son. If the residential is fairly local you could compromise and drop him off in the morning and pick him up in the evening then he won’t miss out. We did that with our eldest son because of medical issues….it was a big plus no grumpy sleep deprived child. Or if it’s far away just say no. One friend whose son didn’t want to go on the year 6 trip instead spent the money on a trip for her and him which he researched, organised, planned and booked etc, very advanced skills for an 11 year old.
Our second DS won’t be going on his yr 6 trip for similar reasons to your son but in addition he’s autistic and won’t/can’t wipe his bottom!!!

I'm a parent of a child like this. My child went on a residential like this where they weren't allowed to call home. She became very distressed and cried herself to sleep every night she was away. She's a lot older now and she still hates talking about that trip. I regret sending her and personally wouldn't let him go. Schools are of the opinion that it develops the child's independence. That's all very well if you have a child that loves doing these activities and doesn't mind being away from home. In my opinion it's too much for some children and can be quite traumatizing. They need to take things at their own pace rather than being pushed into it. I'd say go with your gut on this one. If it doesn't feel right, keep him home.

Don't let people make you feel like you are mollycoddling. All kids are different, just like all adults are different. It's shit being a child when decisions are taken out of your hands by adults who think they know better. Adults can make decisions about where to go that is comfortable for them so why can't kids? You know your son better than anyone and he knows himself so please listen to his and your own instincts and don't send him. Save him the trauma. He has plenty of time to come out of his shell and who knows maybe he won't..maybe he will be one of life's quiet people and that's okay too. Make your own decisions and don't let some bullying old school teacher sway you. It's your job to protect him in whatever he needs and it is no-one else's business. I would try and find out why he is so anxious though, but don't make a big deal of it, just knowing you're there and he can talk to you will mean more to him in life than you will realise right now. I say that from experience. ❤️

@PackedintheUK

IME the ones who least want to go are the ones who benefit most, but they can't make you send him.

This

He's not ruled it out. I expect that it's months away. He may have grown up a lot in that time. It's preparing children to be more independent as they will shortly afterwards be going into year 7.
How is he going to cope in secondary school if he's not learnt to manage basic life skills?
I'd be encouraging and give him the chance to not be the odd child out who was too scared to go on a residential. This could lead to bullying which could follow him to year 7.

[quote julieca]@skybluee the level of care now is much higher. There is no way a teacher now would leave a child in so much pain.[/quote]
I don't agree with you, GS went on a residential 2 years ago and he got a massive spliter in his hand, teachers said they couldn't remove it and wouldn't take him to MIU so he was like that for 5 days. It was infected and horrible by the time he got back and he needed antibiotics. Thank God he didn't get sepsis.

Splinter not spliter.

"Couldn't "remove it and wouldn't take him to hospital? I'd have been tempted to sue! These people aren't fit to be in charge of children. I never went on a residential school trip or wanted to. Going to school with that lot was bad enough and camping never attracted me in the slightest.

@Monkeybumbum7

Some of the responses on here have made me feel like shit.

No I don’t want him tied to my apron strings.

I don’t want to hold him back.

Jesus.

No doubt from parents of confident outgoing children. DD never went on any school residentials for the same reasons. The first time she went away with school was a trip to North Yorkshire in year 12, and a trip to New York in year 13. Both were for A level geography.

Don't let the school (or "perfect" parents of confident children) guilt trip you into sending your son if he really isn't ready to go. It is a lot of money to spend to make your child unhappy for 5 days.

I really don't believe the school who says that every child goes.

I don't approve of this, but you have a good get out clause by saying your child has tested positive for covid.

@marktayloruk

"Couldn't "remove it and wouldn't take him to hospital? I'd have been tempted to sue! These people aren't fit to be in charge of children. I never went on a residential school trip or wanted to. Going to school with that lot was bad enough and camping never attracted me in the slightest.

If it had been up to me I would have. His parents are more passive than I am and of course it wasn't up to me.

I’m amazed every child’s parents could afford to send them, guessing you live in an extremely affluent area. We live in a fairly affluent area but there’s always a few who don’t go and it’s usually because their parents can’t afford it. Don’t send him, the school will have to put him in a younger class for the week.

I was a child who didn't want to go. And whose mum was ludicrously over anxious and told her how horrible it would be for me. Thankfully, my dad stepped in and I went and the feeling of doing things I never thought I could was immense! I think it started my determination not to be scared of life and give in at every obstacle like my mum does.
I'm very glad my dad stood up for common sense.

@ancientgran I am really surprised by that. Are you sure it really was a massive splinter? Small splinters are often left now to work their own way out. On a first aid course, I was told that we should not try and take them out and only seek medical attention if there were signs of infection. Taking them out can cause damage. Of course with my own kids I would, but for other parents kids i always stick to exactly what I am trained to do.
I have been accused by a parent of being negligent because she wanted me to do something that I was explicitly told not to do i.e. put ice directly on a bruise. It can cause an ice burn. You wrap it in a tea towel first.

OP how far away is the residential? DD has SN and would not cope well with being away from me for the night. Her class had a residential in Y5 and I agreed with the school that she would go during the day and I would collect her at night.

During the day she took part in and enjoyed things that I would never have thought she would do, abseiling and going on a 3G swing.

There were quite a number of children from various schools there and I wasn't the only parent collecting a child to take home for the night. I don't know whether that would be a possibility in your case.

How is he going to cope in secondary school if he's not learnt to manage basic life skills?

Abseiling and zip lining are not basic life skills.

How is he going to cope in secondary school if he's not learnt to manage basic life skills?

The sort of things that they learn at a residential aren't anything that they require at secondary school. If a child really, really doesn't want to go it would be counter productive to send them. It doesn't "toughen them up", it just traumatises them.

Don’t send him, you know him best, you have to live with your decision so just make it one he’s comfortable with. Either hel be a bit upset he didn’t go and maybe want to another time, or hel be glad you didn’t push him. He won’t be at the school much longer so don’t bother trying to please or fit into what they think he should do

+How is he going to cope in secondary school if he's not learnt to manage basic life skills?* School used this threat continuously with my kids, if you can’t do x how are you going to cope at secondary - and then worked on trying to make them feel less anxious about the move - if it wasn’t so piss poor of them it would be funny! Guess what secondary needs and should cope with wherever your kids are - it should not be used as a threat to parents or kids.

DS loathed his Y4 residential, refused to go on his Y6 one (which was cancelled). Did go on his Y7 one very reluctantly and hated it and yet has had no issues with Secondary school or anything else.
He just hates camping, sharing a room, crap food and being cold and wet.

My ds hated his year six trip. He is super confident, independent and popular...he was really looking forward to his year six residential trip but absolutely hated it. Missed his home comforts and hated the food....I've never seen him so hungry when he returned. He didn't stop eating all evening. Told me he wished he'd never gone.

My ds was very similar at this age. He went on the trip as he didn’t want to miss out but cried when we left him and on the first night. He wasn’t supposed to contact us but one of the teachers did let him give us a call before bed and that really helped. There were a few kids that didn’t go for various reasons including cost so he could quite easily have stayed, but he didn’t much like the idea of being in school when most of the other kids were off having fun.

I would speak to your son and let him decide if he wants to do it or not. My ds enjoyed the trip overall and tried absolutely everything. But if your ds decides that he doesn’t want to go, that’s absolutely fine too.

As an aside, I used to worry myself sick about ds as he hated being away from us, but when he turned 13 everything changed and now we barely see him. Keep on supporting him and he will be fine.

He just hates camping, sharing a room, crap food and being cold and wet.

I remember being very apprehensive about my year 6 residential, but enjoyed it in the end. However I went on 2 residential trips in secondary school with a string group I was in, we went to Germany for about 5 days each time, and I loved those trips as it was something I really enjoyed and I was with like minded people. There's a huge difference between that type of trip and the one you are talking about I think,........

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

No you don't say to him "You're going and " that's that". You're his mum you know what he can and cannot cope with. These school trips certainly aren't cheap are they. Therefore all you'd be paying out all that money just for your son to be fretful and you to be worried. They don't sound like the type that would be sympathetic if he woke up sobbing in the night wanting his mum. Not all kids are full of confidence and can just throw themselves into anything. It seems that way though. I also don't buy that bull shit that "No other child has ever missed it". Do you honestly believe you've got the only child in that school past or present to suffer with anxiety. The school sounds like an absolute disgrace to be honest.

Totally agree. With this attitude are they going to force him to take part in activities he will be scared of as well?

@Autumnbaths

+How is he going to cope in secondary school if he's not learnt to manage basic life skills?* School used this threat continuously with my kids, if you can’t do x how are you going to cope at secondary - and then worked on trying to make them feel less anxious about the move - if it wasn’t so piss poor of them it would be funny! Guess what secondary needs and should cope with wherever your kids are - it should not be used as a threat to parents or kids.

Yeah comments like this from schools make me laugh. You don't need to spend time away from your parents at the age of 11 to prepare for secondary school. It's not boarding school FFS