School being unsympathetic over year 6 residential

[Monkeybumbum7]

Details of the residential have been sent out and a deposit is due next week. The deposit is non-refundable.

I have a very anxious child who never wants to stay away from home. He gets anxious at bedtime to the point of needing hundreds of cuddles before he will rest for sleep. He is a real homebody who doesn’t want to go on holiday even with us.

I’ve spoken to the school about what to do about the residential. I was told that nobody has ever missed it, and to just tell him he is going and that’s it.

I know he will be in floods of tears every day if he goes and really unhappy. They’re also not allowed to call parents if distressed.

In addition most of the activities involve heights. He hates heights. It’s all zip lines/ abseiling, that sort of thing.

I don’t know what to do.

Children can change rather than focus on the negatives try focusing on the positives. His classmates will all be going, you will miss him but don’t want him to miss out on the fun.
It sounds to me that you don’t want him to go, why don’t you have a sleepover and see how he gets on and go from there.

It sounds like he is anxious about it. I would go with my gut and not send him.
I hated going away from home as a child - it would send my anxiety sky rocketing, I avoided it at all costs. I left home at 18 and never looked back! I am of the opinion that children grow up at their own pace and forcing them to do stuff is counter productive.
My son just got back from his year 6 residential. I was nervous for him - first time away from home, tends to hop into my bed in the middle of the night, prone to the occasional night terror. He was 85% enthusiastic about it and 15% nervous. Turns out that (he tells me) there was lots of homesickness - him included, his dorm mates sniffling away into the night. I dont know. They did some cool stuff but I dont think he would have massively missed out if he hadn't gone.
If ds had been as anxious as your boy I absolutely wouldn't have sent him.

Totally agree!

Don’t send him if you don’t want to. No point in upsetting him. In the future you’ll probably be in the wrong one way or another with your son, either for making him go or for not making him go. Children are like that.
There’s often homesickness and this year, with children having been at home much more during Covid there was more than usual. Unusually though, all children opted to go this year instead of 2-3 staying at school. We generally find children come back much more confident, which is why we moved it from Y6 to Y5.

@Gagaandgag

Absolutely terrible response from the school in my opinion. Such a lack of individual care. Honestly I just do not understand why children’s mental health is not valued and respected? “Just tell him he is going” he is 10/11 years old. Can’t he have any kind of choices/opinions? Especially if it is going to make him ill!

You need to ask your son if he truly doesn’t want to go and then tell him ok then you will ask for a meeting /phone call with the lead teacher and explain your circumstances! Ask what will happen if he doesn’t go - stay at home etc or go into another year group etc. Explain all this to him and then inform the school and the school should respect his choice.

I was a primary teacher before I had my children. My son is very very anxious, he is so anxious that he doesn’t even go to school!
You need to stand up for your individual families needs. Best of luck!

For goodness sake NO OP, do NOT do this! @Gagaandgag . There is NO NEED for any 'meeting', just...say.....no. Threatening your son with a 'meeting' with the school suggests that you are trying to find a way for him to go, asking what "may happen" if he doesn't go lets the door open for the school to make up a punishment. It also shows your son you will let the school 'negotiate' and 'force his arm' with this 'meeting'.

If he doesn't want to go, you send a note saying X will not be attending.

Full stop. End of story. No arm-twisting meeting required.

Last years residential for year 6 pupils was cancelled due to Covid in some schools.

Some schools used the Covid card as an excuse to do nothing. Zoom classes in our school were extremely poor and some children are still doing catch up. Do you believe some teachers didn’t want to be seen in their homes. Utter unforgivable nonsense.
Off topic I know but just needed to say not all schools have the child’s benefit in mind.

Also, when is the residential happening? If it's in the very near future, I'd be a bit hesitant even without the other issues: right at this time, it could well be the junior version of a superspreader event!

One thing I'd suggest, if you haven't done so already, is to make sure that his vision is checked thoroughly. Sometimes a strong preference for familiar surroundings can be related to even mild or subtle visual difficulties. (Certainly this was the case for me as a child.) Though most likely it's a combination of naturally cautious tendencies - not necessarily a bad thing - and months of Staying at Home to Save Lives.

@BoredZelda

my response about children not getting that time back and staying behind wasn’t in regards to the children who can’t afford it. Each school manages these financial circumstances differently, my comments weren’t about those children

Yeah, it’s ok if those children miss out on the time they won’t ever get back.

Actually, our school fully funds those children’s places. We are 70%+ pupil premium. So no, I don’t mean that - far from it, in fact. Probably best not to make assumptions eh?

What I was meaning by my comment, if not already clear, was that my original post was referring to children who don’t go due to feeling anxious.

Fair enough. It was just a suggestion for her to consider. I just thought explaining his needs to the school may make them understand who he is a bit more. Obviously she can just do what you suggest as well

“For goodness sake? And do not do this in capitals?” Why do people have to be so rude? I’ve never send a reply on mums net before but I can really relate to this post. You have put me off replying again

How long is it for? I was a kid who got incredibly home sick, came home from sleepovers etc. I remember a 4 night trip in year 5 where I sobbed loads, but loved the last night and day so much - I could cope knowing I’d see parents the next day! By the time year 7 came and I went for 3 days I never even missed home. Try he home sickness really held be me back when I was younger. Encourage sleepovers and keep trying. If the deposit isn’t really high pay if and decide later.

@Gagaandgag

“For goodness sake? And do not do this in capitals?” Why do people have to be so rude? I’ve never send a reply on mums net before but I can really relate to this post. You have put me off replying again

@Gagaandgag I apologise if I came off as rude, but your suggestion made it seem like you wanted the school to threaten the boy with detention or failing the year, by strong-arming him with a 'meeting'. By the sound of the school, they cannot care less about the boys' mental health (which is why I'd say the OP should send her child to another school), they've made that clear, so a meeting won't solve anything as they are closed-minded on the issue. You can't negotiate with a school with this mindset, they've made that pretty clear. All the meeting will do, is give the school another chance to guilt-trip the mum, which could have disastrous consequences for her son. Why give the school a chance to insult her and her son further and to cook up a punishment for him if he still refuses to go? Was my point.

Yes I totally agree with your point now you explain it!

@mandalaj As many posts on this thread attests, anxious children rarely regret not going or feeling they are 'missing out'.

Let me ask you; if you hated crocheting, would you feel you were 'missing out' by not going on a colleague camp where crocheting (and other similar things you had less than zero interest in) was the main headliner? No. There you go. If the child isn't remotely interested in the garbage that is on offer ie abseiling and zip lining and jumping off a cliff, then they're aren't going to regret it. And they aren't going to 'bond' any more with a group of kids they'll never see in a year from now. It's a waste of time, a massive waste of money, a waste of school resources and most importantly a waste of vital educational time. Every day counts. The absolute garbage the OP's son would be wasting his time on is stealing time from his education. It's a travesty it's even allowed. They should be learning academics. Not abseiling or jumping off a cliff. And fyi let me make this crystal clear: no child with severe anxiety who would rather clean a toilet or mop the school floors than abseil off a cliff is going to 'regret' not wasting a precious week of education they can't get back, sorry to burst your bubble.

And no it wasn’t meant as to threaten her son at all- it was to explain their situation to the school to try and potentially begin a dialogue which may make the school think more sensitivity towards the children in their care. For the school to hopefully (!?) learn from it. Anyway I can see we are on the same page now, the well-being of the family

I think extroverts truly cannot understand that there are people who would rather stick bamboo shoots under their skin than waste their time doing things like this. It's like they truly cannot possibly understand anyone being different from them. I would have rathered the time was spent on extra lessons, even one-on-one tutoring, essay/high school prep. You know, things that actually count? Saying a child that loathes and detests something is going to regret not going to school camp where they do nothing really but what they loathe and detest, makes no sense....cognitively, logically, emotionally. But some of the extroverts on here simply cannot comprehend that people are not like them, and children are not like them. I find that a lot, extroverts expect introverts to be exactly like them and don't even try to understand. But I am sure there is some thing they hate with a passion that if they imagined doing it for a week, I'm sure would be torture for them.

[quote NeonTetras]@mandalaj As many posts on this thread attests, anxious children rarely regret not going or feeling they are 'missing out'.

Let me ask you; if you hated crocheting, would you feel you were 'missing out' by not going on a colleague camp where crocheting (and other similar things you had less than zero interest in) was the main headliner? No. There you go. If the child isn't remotely interested in the garbage that is on offer ie abseiling and zip lining and jumping off a cliff, then they're aren't going to regret it. And they aren't going to 'bond' any more with a group of kids they'll never see in a year from now. It's a waste of time, a massive waste of money, a waste of school resources and most importantly a waste of vital educational time. Every day counts. The absolute garbage the OP's son would be wasting his time on is stealing time from his education. It's a travesty it's even allowed. They should be learning academics. Not abseiling or jumping off a cliff. And fyi let me make this crystal clear: no child with severe anxiety who would rather clean a toilet or mop the school floors than abseil off a cliff is going to 'regret' not wasting a precious week of education they can't get back, sorry to burst your bubble.[/quote]
What a very strange and angry rant. Clearly you are against residentials full stop, which isn’t the discussion here.

If you read back through my comments you’ll see I’m sympathetic to the OP but offering a different perspective. That’s all. Calm yourself down.

Why don't you and your DS stay in a near by B&B or hotel so that he can take part in the day time activities?

I hated sport so much at school that if offered, I'd clean the toilets instead. I remember cleaning down the class blackboard (remember those lol), and wiping over it with a cloth and liquid, cleaning the dust from the blackboard duster instead of doing PE for a lesson. LOVED cleaning down the blackboard. And started on the school louvres too. If someone had told me I'd regret not going to PE, I'd think they were from planet zorb. In my 40s now, good career, happy, independent, confident (some may say forcefully so) and have less than zero regrets about dodging PE on the times I could, and not going away to school camp, which had a similar theme to OP's post - was called "Leadership Camp" in Year 6 (pmsl) which contained f all 'leadership'. I never went to that or the Leadership Camp in year 11. Less than zero regrets.

@mandalaj No, you were trying to guilt-trip the OP by suggesting these children "regret it" when in actual truth and fact they rarely do.

Don't send him and keep him home for the duration. Have a fun time and make memories together instead.

[quote NeonTetras]@mandalaj No, you were trying to guilt-trip the OP by suggesting these children "regret it" when in actual truth and fact they rarely do.[/quote]
Not ONCE have I used the word regret. Not once. I’ve been sympathetic and understanding - I’ve offered a different perspective and sympathised with the OP’s situation. You’re using quote marks when replying to me citing me as saying ‘regret’ when I haven’t.

@whattodo2019

Why don't you and your DS stay in a near by B&B or hotel so that he can take part in the day time activities?

This is a brilliant suggestion.

@mandalaj Fair enough, you haven't used the word regret. However you said Often those that seem most nervous and anxious about being away from home are the ones that succeed the most – they are the ones that surprise you and get so much from it, it does wonders for their confidence. Similarly there are children who miss these trips each year for the same reasons and I always think it’s such a shame, they can never get that time back. which shows a lack of experience and understanding of children who have anxiety disorders as these things tend to make it worse, and children who have no interest in any of the activities which don't add or enrich any child's life in any way. If they were studying it would be different.

@whattodo2019

Why don't you and your DS stay in a near by B&B or hotel so that he can take part in the day time activities?

Except OP said: In addition most of the activities involve heights. He hates heights. It’s all zip lines/ abseiling, that sort of thing.

So it would be a waste of time, petrol money etc as her DC is not even interested in the activities, so why would they drive to a hotel paying hotel money and petrol money when he doesn't want to do the activities.