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Original poster

School being unsympathetic over year 6 residential

416 replies

Monkeybumbum7 · 15/10/2021 15:17

Details of the residential have been sent out and a deposit is due next week. The deposit is non-refundable.

I have a very anxious child who never wants to stay away from home. He gets anxious at bedtime to the point of needing hundreds of cuddles before he will rest for sleep. He is a real homebody who doesn’t want to go on holiday even with us.

I’ve spoken to the school about what to do about the residential. I was told that nobody has ever missed it, and to just tell him he is going and that’s it.

I know he will be in floods of tears every day if he goes and really unhappy. They’re also not allowed to call parents if distressed.

In addition most of the activities involve heights. He hates heights. It’s all zip lines/ abseiling, that sort of thing.

I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
mandalaj · 16/10/2021 22:33

neontetras I stand by what I said. You don’t know my life, my workplace or have seen the anxious children who’ve flourished during the residentials I’ve taken them on. Over 400 children in total. You cannot assume everyone reacts like you and my comment was to reassure the OP.

To suggest these things don’t enrich children’s lives in any way is utter rubbish. Say that to the children who attend who’ve never been on holiday before and spend every day laughing and having fun. I’m not responding any more to your posts, they’re vile, frankly.

OP - whatever decision you make will be the right one for your child. Good luck in what is a really tough decision.

worriedatthemoment · 16/10/2021 22:41

My dc both went on residential and my quiet anxious one also enjoyed
That being said at their school plenty didn't go, no reason had to be given

worriedatthemoment · 16/10/2021 22:42

In fact for the kids that didn't go they had things like bowling , trips to the park, cinema etc

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NeonTetras · 16/10/2021 22:44

@mandalaj

neontetras I stand by what I said. You don’t know my life, my workplace or have seen the anxious children who’ve flourished during the residentials I’ve taken them on. Over 400 children in total. You cannot assume everyone reacts like you and my comment was to reassure the OP.

To suggest these things don’t enrich children’s lives in any way is utter rubbish. Say that to the children who attend who’ve never been on holiday before and spend every day laughing and having fun. I’m not responding any more to your posts, they’re vile, frankly.

OP - whatever decision you make will be the right one for your child. Good luck in what is a really tough decision.

The irony is you are the one forcing your views on others. You are the one saying these activity 'enrich' lives, when they do not. You say You cannot assume everyone reacts like you. Wait....don't you have a mirror? You are the one who is assuming every child reacts like those you know. The irony is my whole point is to explain to you that you cannot assume every child reacts the same. Yet that's exactly what you're doing. Making the assumption that a child with anxiety will miss out on abseiling off a cliff, which is patently absurd. Now you desperately throw in a child who has never been on holiday is the same as a week away from parents doing something they don't want to do. I find your posts to be gaslighting and yes, vile. There is no self awareness from you, just projection and a determination that any child who doesn't think the same as you is missing out on something. Your ableist attitude is also disgusting. I'm not the only one to take offence at your comments, so maybe have a good look at yourself.
NeonTetras · 16/10/2021 22:47

@worriedatthemoment

In fact for the kids that didn't go they had things like bowling , trips to the park, cinema etc
The kids who didn't go definitely got the better deal! I bet the kids who went would've been green with envy and regretted going after hearing that! :)
BigYellowHat · 16/10/2021 22:57

Sounds like it’s really not his thing so don’t send him. Maybe you could use the money you save by not sending him by doing something lovely the week before or after the trip so he’s still got something to talk about when they all get back?

BigYellowHat · 16/10/2021 22:57

*weekend

Blooming autocorrect

Pinkfluff76 · 16/10/2021 23:18

Don’t send him. Good luck OP

Firesidefox · 16/10/2021 23:27

You don't have to send him if you don't want to. There is always one or two who don't go at our primary.

And it's standard not to call home. Makes them less upset, generally.

But have you actually asked him? He might want to go!

Firesidefox · 16/10/2021 23:29

If he's wavering I reckon by the summer he'll be up for it. They get quite brave towards the end of Year Six, and he's going to grow up at some point so why not encourage him now?

skybluee · 16/10/2021 23:41

I don't know. It's really difficult to know which way it will go. Not every child will flourish. I loved school but didn't want to go on the camping trip we had. I ended up being pushed to go. There was one incredibly mean boy there. I hadn't got the right kit so ended up doing all of the hiking in my trainers. (We were all meant to have hiking boots but I hadn't tried on the ones I'd borrowed until the morning of the trip, they didn't fit.) My feet were really bad towards the end of the trip. I tried speaking to teachers and was told I was being stupid and was fine (they didn't actually look at my feet). Later that night (and it makes me sick to think about this as an adult) I couldn't cope any more so I just left. I couldn't bear it. I didn't even take any of my stuff. I went with a friend and we left our tent and rucksacks and walked off into the forest... we found a party with a load of adults. Nothing bad happened, but it makes me feel unwell now. When we realised we wouldn't be able to make it to our home town we hitchhiked back to the camp ground.

I saw a doctor after I got back and I had trench foot... it took ages to get better. My achilles has never really been the same. I was a kid. I am SURE that the geography teacher saw me and my friend getting out of that car in the night but never said anything to us.

I was in pain that whole trip, I'm pretty sure I was hypothermic as well as I was so underweight and have had that at other times and not felt as bad. It was brutal.

I would try to be guided by him. If he truly doesn't want to go don't make him. If he has concerns that can be overcome maybe he should go. It's tough. There are so many different stories, as seen by this thread!

ReginaSpaghetti99 · 16/10/2021 23:44

If he doesn’t want to go, don’t send him. I didn’t send mine and there was uproar. Daily pressure from his teacher, phone calls to me ‘he’ll be the first one not going’, part of getting ready for secondary blah’. Other parents telling me it’ll be the making of him and memories for life. I’m glad I listened to him as he settled in perfectly at secondary and has never regretted not going.

julieca · 16/10/2021 23:49

@skybluee the level of care now is much higher. There is no way a teacher now would leave a child in so much pain.

worriedatthemoment · 16/10/2021 23:49

@NeonTetras mine had a blast going to be fair and did some great things
Thats said it should be a choice

Mine also went on a residential for couple nights year 3, my eldest was unsure as very shy , fussy eater . I booked it and paid deposit with view that if we lost the money so be it and nearer the time he wanted to go,
But we wouldn't of forced him , prob encouraged but not forced

BoredZelda · 16/10/2021 23:50

What I was meaning by my comment, if not already clear, was that my original post was referring to children who don’t go due to feeling anxious.

And you were entirely wrong about that too.

mumofthemonsters808 · 16/10/2021 23:56

I stressed about my boy going on his, he’d never been away from home before.I had visions of him having to be collected, He ended up having a ball and did every activity on offer. He’s not sporty,he’s scared of heights, doesn’t like water, very shy.I nearly fell off the chair when pictures were posted of him on the high zip wire, in a canoe and beaming smiles on the group shots.I’d been sat at home all weekend fretting.

A couple of children were very homesick and had to be collected, a few didn’t go.If I was you I wouldn’t dismiss it because it could be a real opportunity for him to improve his self confidence.The camp workers and school staff were very encouraging and were there for him when he had a wobble about one of the cave activities and he did it.I’m sure with the right support your boy would toThe school staff know your Son and know how to handle him and how to bring out the very best of him.

It’s a shame no one is willing to properly discuss your concerns, maybe nearer the time this would happen.I suppose at this stage, it’s just a case of gathering numbers.We had a zoom session and then the opportunity for a one to one if we had anything on our mind.

skybluee · 17/10/2021 00:09

@julieca I'm glad to hear that and I really hope it is the case.

WhatIfWhatIf · 17/10/2021 00:12

I've been on many school residential trips as a teacher and honestly can't remember one single child who didn't enjoy themselves.

Yes, I've been told by many parents that their child had never spent a night away from home before and yes, I've seen plenty of wobbles; I've read children to sleep, held their hands until they fell asleep, sat in their rooms with them, sung (badly!) to them, etc etc, but I can't think of one child in 16 years who wasn't glad they had gone by the end of the trip.

julieca · 17/10/2021 00:32

@skybluee There is so much emphasis these days on health and safety. There didn't use to be, but that reflected societies general attitudes more towards children. I remember even at school things happening in terms of health and safety that would never happen now, or if it did happen the teachers would risk being sacked and banned from teaching.
But if you are ever worried about health and safety issues, talk to staff about a trip and how they are dealing with potential risks. Blisters and painful feet are obvious risks on hikes. Doesnt mean they shouldn't happen, but there should be proper risk assessments about it.

marktayloruk · 17/10/2021 00:53

Is this a state or private school? In either case just tell them that he isn't going.

Tigerstotty · 17/10/2021 08:08

Same here! The child will probably love it but mum will spend the whole week worrying he won't!

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 17/10/2021 08:37

@marktayloruk

Is this a state or private school? In either case just tell them that he isn't going.
I can guarantee not private re how they communicated with the OP

But then the £550 cost and apparently “everyone” going (not sure I believe that) would suggest possibly private

Suzanne999 · 17/10/2021 10:25

Just say no to the school.
What on earth is the point in making a child utterly miserable and anxious?
And speaking as a former teacher I wouldn’t have wanted to a) make a child so unhappy and b) have to cope with a child who’d be so upset along with having responsibility for the well-being and safety of other kids—- you can only stretch a teacher so far.

Schools have gone way ott with these trips. I nearly dropped with shock at the cost of grandson’s 4 night residential. I’ve paid less for a family holiday.

doesthatmakesense · 17/10/2021 10:47

The idea that residentials are a fantastic experience for ALL children makes as much sense as suggesting that eating ice-cream is a fantastic experience for ALL children: ice-cream is something most people like and is on the normative list of 'things children should enjoy', but some people just don't like ice-cream...

The education system is very much geared towards extrovert success, and more introverted kids often end up in situations that would be intolerable for an adult. I cannot think of anything worse than being stuck on a bus for two hours with my whole office/department, having to share a bedroom with some of them, then having to do some 'fun' activities involving "safe risks", the conquering of which leaves me absolutely stone cold. Sounds ghastly.

You don't need a diagnosis to find trips away from home unpleasant, or because you dislike being cold or wet or muddy.

Fwiw DD1 went on her first residential in y5, hated 90% of it and is still adamant she is not going on any school trips ever again (now y9). Didn't want to go in y6, so she stayed in school and had a fabulous week helping in y4/5 with her old teacher, during which time she realised she quite liked the idea of teaching. DD2 outright refused to even think about going on her y6 trip despite months of positive encouragement. I totally trust her to know what she can and can't do, so we didn't make her go. She also had a fantastic week being taught by a TA in a small group with the 8 other refuseniks, and says it was her best ever week of school.

Cavementality · 17/10/2021 10:52

Please don't send him! Your job as a parent is to take care of your son's needs.The school want him to go because that's their job but you get to decide on whether he goes or not.
Trust your instincts.