School being unsympathetic over year 6 residential

[Monkeybumbum7]

Details of the residential have been sent out and a deposit is due next week. The deposit is non-refundable.

I have a very anxious child who never wants to stay away from home. He gets anxious at bedtime to the point of needing hundreds of cuddles before he will rest for sleep. He is a real homebody who doesn’t want to go on holiday even with us.

I’ve spoken to the school about what to do about the residential. I was told that nobody has ever missed it, and to just tell him he is going and that’s it.

I know he will be in floods of tears every day if he goes and really unhappy. They’re also not allowed to call parents if distressed.

In addition most of the activities involve heights. He hates heights. It’s all zip lines/ abseiling, that sort of thing.

I don’t know what to do.

Sorry OP I haven’t read all of your thread, I just wanted to share that my ds1 was exactly the same at that age. He’s always been home educated so school residentials haven’t been an issue, but he swerved sleepovers and scout camps until he was 13. Now he’s 15 and incredibly independent. We haven’t taken him to therapy or anything else people have suggested, we’ve just been quietly supportive and he’s developed the confidence to do these things himself.

Oh and he has several younger siblings so I don’t think the only child theory that someone put forward has any bearing here.

If I were you I’d just be firm and tell the school he isn’t going. Could you just take unauthorised leave that week and do something nice as a family? (I realise as someone outside of the school system that’s easy for me to say, but it may turn a potentially negative episode into a positive one).

Very sensible advice

Ver6 much so, wombat has had some excellent posts

Send him. He’ll enjoy aspects, feel proud he’s part of it. It’s part of growing up. Year 6 kids will be part of big school soon- a whole new world!

I’m appalled at some of the parents (and the year 6 teacher!!) attitudes on here about those that stay behind

Not all parents can afford to send their kids.

I have a daughter with T1 diabetes and epilepsy- it’s not feasible to send her on overnight trips and school can’t cope. She stays behind and has a great time…she get stuff that the others don’t.

It’s no wonder bullying is such an issue with some of the parents views

Can I just recommend a really good facebook group "Parenting Children Beyond Anxiety" so much support and mentally healthy approaches to supporting your child through it and they do not recommend throwing them in at the deep end and keeping your fingers crossed that they come out of it undamaged..

First off we are in a pandemic. Our year 6 class just came back from a residential and 24 kids now have covid.
Secondly, you can say no. We said no and our child plus 19 others who didn’t go went to a few great places / activities and had more fun than the residential.
AND you CAN demand your deposit back. We did it last year. There’s always a way. Be strong.

He’ll enjoy aspects, feel proud he’s part of it.

Do you know him at all? Strange how you can make this assertion.

It’s part of growing up.

So are nits.

Year 6 kids will be part of big school soon- a whole new world!

None of which includes forcing them to stay away from home for a week.

I haven’t read all the replies, but I have read all of yours OP. To me it is simple. If you don’t think your son will be happy, don’t send him. It’s your decision and not his school’s. To make you feel better, my kids don’t go on school away trips. My daughter will not go to year 6 residential. For similar reasons to your son’s. Please don’t feel bad about yourself. I think this society pushes our children to grow up too fast and be independent too fast. And some of our children are just not ready. And it’s our job as parents to do what we feel is right for them. I hope you feel better and I hope you and your son have a lovely time together when his class is at the residential. Best wishes.

My son's primary ran two trips in year 6. Those who were confident (and whose parents could afford it!) Went to residential for the week, those who didn't like staying over (or parents couldn't afford!) Did days out trips during school hours.

Residential are great at team building and fostering a bit of independence in readiness for secondary school. It could be really good for him, but as others have said you don't have to send him if you feel it will have the opposite to desired effect

I think it's very difficult to believe that no child has EVER missed the camp before, that sounds very unlikely.
Maybe the office staff were trying to pressure you by saying that.
Anyway, I wouldn't send him if he didn't want to go.

My eldest went to a school that had a system I thought was great.

Year 4 a sleepover at school. Friday night they didn't come home, slept in sleeping bags in the hall, collected fish and chips from the local chippy for dinner, did games and watched a film. They were in familiar surroundings, close to home. All did it in my experience and of course it was cheap so no family struggled.

Year 5 a Friday Saturday sleepover at a hostel owed by the LA. Again close to home, again quite cheap.

Year 6 the residential. Children were now familiar with being away with teachers and even the most nervous seemed willing to give it a go.

Looking back it was a big commitment from teachers but it did seem a kinder way to do it rather than straight into a week away.

I call BS on no one ever missing it. There's no way that's true.
I'd ask him if he wants to go, and if he says no don't send it. Don't feel obligated just because the school are saying he should go.
I have vague memories of my year 6 residential trip. I don't think it was important. It was fun, but I didn't go to secondary with most of the people from my primary so lasting bonds weren't formed.

I would've been the kid who didn't want to go. I was bullied for my weight as a kid and home was my retreat. I would have dreaded this.

@mandalaj

Year 6 teacher here, I’ve taken children on a residential every year for the last 10. Often those that seem most nervous and anxious about being away from home are the ones that succeed the most – they are the ones that surprise you and get so much from it, it does wonders for their confidence. Similarly there are children who miss these trips each year for the same reasons and I always think it’s such a shame, they can never get that time back. If it helps, they are usually so busy in the day that when it comes to the night time they are absolutely shattered! There’s not usually too much of an issue with bedtime but staff are all well skilled in getting children settled if needs be. Tough decision for you but just giving my input!

Didn't work with my DD as evidenced by stressed teacher phoning me at 11 pm and asking me to try and settle her. She'll never get that miserable week back either. Honestly not all children react the same, I say that as the mother of 4 and only had this issue with one, not the eldest so not PFB, not the youngest, just one child who didn't benefit in the slightest.

Just don’t send him, I wouldn’t. Luckily mine have always been fine but there are always a few children who hate being away from home and I know that they don’t improve over time whilst they are there. You know your child best and they can’t make him go.

@Kite22

What have you done to help him with the anxiety? Does he have a diagnosis of anything yet? What outside help have you sought for him ?

This is where I would be focusing my energy, and would have been for a long time before getting to this point.

No, he doesn't have to go but you must also understand that, if it is their experience that everyone does go, there won't be a nice programme of events laid on for him as an alternative at school either.

I would agree. He’s in high school next year, I think it’s more important to start preparing him for that.

My 10 year old son is also very anxious. His anxiety is worse at bedtime, he comes downstairs numerous times, cries and even worries when his Dad or me put the bins out. It stems from loosing 2 Nans in 18 months. He is also in year 6 and if he decides he doesn't want to go on his residential trip he wont go and the school WILL NOT tell me any different. His mental health is more important. Ask your son how he feels and if he dont want to go then tell the school no. X

Sorry just to add my son is seeing a counsellor for his anxiety, its early days though.

OP, Three points:
I'm not quite sure what a 'residential' is (my first thought was boarding school) but after reading all OP's posts I am presuming it is a school trip or school camp thing? Firstly, I would NOT sent him due to the cost (wtf, that is daylight robbery!!! It would take some parents MONTHS to save that up, if not a year), and would say "we can't afford it." That in itself, is a good enough excuse. No way would I pay that much money for something my son doesn't even want to do, with activities he would never choose to do. Go to your toilet, flush that 350 down. The result is the same.

Secondly, I wouldn't buy (pardon the pun) the 'head teacher' (Principal?) saying no one has not gone before. I think that's a lie, and an excuse to con you into going. A; common sense tells one that someone at some stage must have had a single mum who couldn't afford a whopping $350 (sorry, don't have the euro or pound signal on my keyboard) at all, let alone for a few days of abseiling. And B; even assuming 100% of all parents were able to hand over $350 so easily as if they were loaded, that no child ever had severe shyness, trauma, or PTSD of some kind. That no child ever refused to go. Head teacher/Principal is lying to you. Don't believe them. Additionally, on the basis of HT's response, I would sincerely consider removing DS and any other children from that school as their values are not something that would suit my DS or my family.

Lastly, you can do great harm to your DS if you force him to go. His voice should be heard, he should be respected and if he is truly this distressed, you should never force him. NO shy child has ever got anything out of being forced to go abseiling or zip line or jump of a cliff if they don't want to. Trust me on this, that is the type of activity for extroverts, no child ever overcomes their shyness or distress by doing such stupid activities that adds nothing educationally and bonding comes during school time anyway. It sounds like your son is in a terrible state over this, and take the pressure off him by telling him you are completely ok with him not going and you will support him if he chooses not to go, that you will never, ever force him to do something that distresses him and you have his back. That is the best you can do for him, no one wants to see their child in so much distress and for something that adds fuck all to their education, and robs you blind to boot.

going against the grain - let him go!

it's an important part of education ime and taking children out of their comfort zone in a safe ways is really good for them.

@Marelle

You’re the parent - just don’t send him?

It can go one of two ways. He will do everything you suspect, hate it, cry etc.. The other possibility is that he will love it and surprise everybody. I've taken school tips where a parent like the OP was worried about their child's inability to cope and the child has managed perfectly well. Only the OP and her son can decide.

I wouldn’t send him- I was this child, went on a one night residential in year 4 and cried myself to sleep. In year 6 I was adamant I didn’t want to go. Year 5 also did a residential that was local to the school, so I went a joined them for daytime activities and went home at night. It was fine. I wouldn’t send DS unless I was sure he could cope.

We have plenty of children that stay behind for all manner of reasons - no need to be appalled at my comments! I stated that often, the children that are most apprehensive about going are the ones that have us in tears as they scale the climbing wall, or jump off the trapeze, and conquer their fears in all manner of ways. I am a parent myself of an anxious child and will gently encourage him to go on his residential next year as I see them from the other side and wanted to offer some reassuring words whilst also acknowledging the tough decision.

We are always there with a kind word and a cuddle for those that might need them and often, they are so distracted by their busy days that they are not having a fantastic time.

With regards to the poster who had to pick a child up, I’m sorry, that’s not an event I’ve ever come across but that must’ve been horrible for your child and for you. I’m sorry she had that experience.

I can’t believe that something I said that was intended to be reassuring has been taken in such a way. But hey, that’s mumsnet.

They end up* having a fantastic time, that should have said!

Just to pick up on the comment about the children who don’t go due to parents not being able to afford it – my response about children not getting that time back and staying behind wasn’t in regards to the children who can’t afford it. Each school manages these financial circumstances differently, my comments weren’t about those children.