School being unsympathetic over year 6 residential

[Monkeybumbum7]

Details of the residential have been sent out and a deposit is due next week. The deposit is non-refundable.

I have a very anxious child who never wants to stay away from home. He gets anxious at bedtime to the point of needing hundreds of cuddles before he will rest for sleep. He is a real homebody who doesn’t want to go on holiday even with us.

I’ve spoken to the school about what to do about the residential. I was told that nobody has ever missed it, and to just tell him he is going and that’s it.

I know he will be in floods of tears every day if he goes and really unhappy. They’re also not allowed to call parents if distressed.

In addition most of the activities involve heights. He hates heights. It’s all zip lines/ abseiling, that sort of thing.

I don’t know what to do.

I think you should strongly encourage him to go. I remember being so anxious at that age about going on a similar trip, to the point I was having panic attacks in the night about it. My mum sat me down and said (gently) that it was going to be totally fine and fun and that it was a part of growing up. I remember it so vividly and I reflect on it as a bit of a turning point / fork in the road re: my resilience, even now I think about it when I am feeling anxious about something and how things are never as bad as you think they are going to be! I think if she had said not to go then my anxiety would have continued on a downward spiral.

Just to add obviously I was fine and had a ball!

School can't insist he goes, how strange.

My brother was a shy and anxious child, he was "encouraged" to go on a 4 night residential aged 9. My mum had told the school to call home if he wasn't happy and she would come and get him immediately. She never heard from them at any point during the five days he was away.

He arrived home and seemed ok, until we took him to the shops for a treat a day or so later, and he wouldn't leave the car. Then he started avoiding going out to play, saying he couldn't face his friends.

A few days later all the parents were invited to watch a video of the trip. My brother was alone and crying in the background of virtually every single shot. And they had never told my mum, or offered to send him home.

He was diagnosed with depression a few months later. Aged 9! And my poor mum has never forgiven herself.

My daughter has been on her yr6 residential already so I have recent experience of this. She had a brilliant time and it was overall a positive experience for her, but despite being quite independent and not clingy she really did miss us and said she cried every bedtime and was tearful on pick up. There were no phone calls, however school did send me a message mid week from her as we were moving house whilst she was away and she had been fretting about some special items getting lost, I replied and the message was relayed to her. IIRC two kids in her class didn't go on the trip, and I don't believe it's unusual for that to happen. At the end of the day it isn't compulsory and if you/he think it would be a more negative than positive experience then ultimately the choice to go or not lies with you, don't let the school bully you into anything. If you can afford to lose the deposit maybe pay that and reassess nearer the time.

Don't send him. He absolutely does not have to go. My son doesn't go away from home without us either and the headmaster reassured me that residentials aren't even mandatory in secondary school. We're currently plotting to work out how ds can stay home at University (as the previous two generations of the family did.)

The OP's son doesn't like heights, has an extended bedtime routine and is generally a bit of a homebody.

He does not have anxiety about going to school (I'm sure the OP would have mentioned) he does outside interests (guitar) and has friends.

For those that are saying his anxiety is at a threshold where the OP should be seeking professional help, please let me know what area you're in where a service would accept such a referral.

I've had a child who was self-harming at 10/11 and was still getting rejected from the services. It was only when he began with suicidal ideation that they would see him.

And having connected with other parents of anxious children I know that I'm far from alone with that experience.

You’re a good mum and clearly have a close relationship with your son. Go with your gut feeling, it tends to be right. By having lots of different opinions you can barely see the wood from the trees. My son is sensitive and a homebody and am sure, like me, you know how far how to push him out of his comfort zone and when to stop. My son went on a scout residential recently and I was worried about him and when he came back he said it was dreadful, but over the following days bits and bobs came out and it was clear he’d had a nice time despite his worries and made better friendships. But go with your gut x

I didn't send my daughter on the year 6 residential because I felt she was too young and not ready.

Turned out it would have been a waste of money anyway as the children who attended found most of the equipment broken or inaccessible.

If you have spoken to him about it and he really doesn't feel happy just don't send him. My son was anxious and didn't go. It actually ended up that 5 or 6 out of 60 didn't go. If it is going to be hideous for him to go what is point sending. If you think he might be ok and wants to try then do
End of day it's 2 or however many days. ..old news week later.
My son was adamant he didn't want to go and was relieved once I'd told teachers he wouldn't be going ..one less stress all round

Enough happens in life that you have to do/expected to do

sounds like this trip would be too much for him. IME when the thought of what they are missing out on is more than the anxiety they have about going then that’s what can push them to go outwith their comfort zone…if he doesn’t like these types of activities then there’s probably not such an incentive for him to go. x

My two eldest had a pretty distant Y6 residential lasting a week. I made it clear that whether to go or not was up to them. The eldest didn’t want to go, so she didn’t, the second child did want to go when it was her turn so she did.

Neither of them have been affected by going or not going. They’re both capable and confident, and enjoy strong friendship bonds. In fact, the eldest (who didn’t want to go) has stronger friendships than the second child who is quite shy.

So, OP, ignore the school, don’t worry about them ‘missing out’ because they won’t. Let them choose.

Since when have these trips been compulsory? And why are they for a week? When I was at primary school, there was an optional visit to Low Bank Ground in the Lake District. I don’t like getting wet and muddy so I didn’t go.

I went on one in Year 7, to a place called Kingswood which was near-ish to Birmingham if memory serves. There were outdoor things and I did do a couple but there were indoors/computer/art activities too. That was Friday-Sunday though. The food was terrible, the showers were minging! Did have a laugh with my friends but not an experience I’d repeat.

That was decades ago though; my DN is in her last year of primary and AFAIK, there isn’t a compulsory outdoor activity residential.

I would let him make the final decision, my dd who is nearly 19 told me recently that she hated every minute of her year 6 residential trip, and her’s were zip line activities and she too doesn’t like heights, she said that they bullied her to climb up too the zip line despite her crying and saying that she didn’t want to do it.

Ironically during the leavers awards ceremony she got an award for “facing her fear” when doing the zip line.

My dd said recently she cried every day as she just didn’t enjoy it, had I realised how unhappy she was going to be I wouldn’t of agreed for her to go.

Don't go. It's as easy as that. Ignore anyone who says it's a right of passage. Kids are quite anxious at the minute anyway due to Covid etc. I definitely wouldn't send either of my two.

If he really doesn’t want to go don’t send him. If he gets upset while there he’ll possibly get teased or bullied by other kids which will be even worse. Kids don’t need these trips and it annoys me that schools assume everyone can pay. But if he has to stay home make him do some school work
You’re his Mum - it’s your decision

I would send him.

My dd who is 8 and autistic just got back from a residential last week. Her anxiety for weeks before the trip was sky high. I had to seek advise from CAMHS and at one point she needed crisis support. She has never stayed away from us more then the odd night at grannies.

School did help support her. They did agree to let her call me but I asked them to only do so if she was very anxious and upset because hearing my voice might make it worse. They also have a no call rule usually because its simply not fair and not practical and can make things worse. They made an exception because she is on the SEN list.

Speaking to other parents and teachers dd was actually one of many who were really nervous and worried. Even children without SEN were crying getting on the coach.

But dd went because its good for her. The photos we got back were amazing. Not one child upset. They all came back elated.

Dd is not the type to enjoy caving etc but its more than that to be honest. Its valuable life lessons, confidence building etc your ds sounds like he could really do with this.

I know its hard for you both but children need to learn independence and confidence.

School residentials really are a right of passage and I think he will regret not going in years to come.

I see you have spoken to your friend which is great but remember shes a friend so not impartial. With what you have put and obviously I don't know your son but it does sound like he could benefit from additional support. I also work with children and while yes it can be normal for them to be a bit anxious what you described about the cuddling and not wanting to go away with even his family would be a concern to me at his age. I'd be seeking support from GP at this stage.

Good luck whatever you decide.

My sons friend was like this, he took him in the morning and fetched him home at tea time, so he could do the activities but not stay over, would that be an option for you?

My kids school residential wasn't compulsory, in fact they only booked 80 places for a year group of 90. This gave children who didn't want to go an 'out'. Don't force your child. If its not for them, thats fine!

My mum would have said there's no chance I'd have abseiled or zip wired on the y6 residential. She said to me beforehand that I didn't have to do the activities if I didn't want to. Guess what, I did every single one and loved it. Give your child the chance, they might flourish.

Mine would have said the same, but kept being told how good for me it would be. And she was absolutely right, I hated every minute of it. I was terrified and kids laughed at me and the adults just stood by and let them.

The only thing it taught me, and it is a resolve I kept my whole life, was never to do anything just because everyone else bullied me in to it.

would that be an option for you?

It’s 5 hours away.

Not one child upset. They all came back elated.

You spoke to every single child? All of them?

Children also know not to say anything negative to teachers. DS2 learnt that lesson in Yr4 where he got told off for saying he hadn't had a good half-term because we all had Norovirus (the 6 of us and it really was not fun!).

And not from a teacher I would have expected it from.

my response about children not getting that time back and staying behind wasn’t in regards to the children who can’t afford it. Each school manages these financial circumstances differently, my comments weren’t about those children

Yeah, it’s ok if those children miss out on the time they won’t ever get back.

Absolutely terrible response from the school in my opinion. Such a lack of individual care. Honestly I just do not understand why children’s mental health is not valued and respected? “Just tell him he is going” he is 10/11 years old. Can’t he have any kind of choices/opinions? Especially if it is going to make him ill!

You need to ask your son if he truly doesn’t want to go and then tell him ok then you will ask for a meeting /phone call with the lead teacher and explain your circumstances! Ask what will happen if he doesn’t go - stay at home etc or go into another year group etc. Explain all this to him and then inform the school and the school should respect his choice.

I was a primary teacher before I had my children. My son is very very anxious, he is so anxious that he doesn’t even go to school!
You need to stand up for your individual families needs. Best of luck!