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Original poster

Desperate for a baby

246 replies

Becky131992 · 13/10/2021 22:37

Hi there, new to this and I'm really struggling.
I am DESPERATE to try for a baby. When I say my heart aches, it's an understatement. I'm at the age now where my friends are falling pregnant and whilst I'm happy for them this is tinged with sadness.

So I'm 29 and my boyfriend is 32. We have been together over 10 years. No ring, but that's a whole other story...

We have lived together for three years. We are very happy, we have a good laugh together, still fancy each other and are best friends.
However, this is pushing us apart. I wanted to start trying a few months ago and he wants to wait another couple of years. I honestly don't think I can. I have tried very hard to make him realise its the right time (I know i shouldnt be pressuring him but I can't help it). I've even sent him graphs and age related statistics.. But even if there was no such thing as a biological clock I'd still want to start trying now.

I don't know what to do, I don't want to leave him. How do I make myself wait?

As a side note, I also work with babies and children and this doesn't help. Also everyone in my life keeps asking me when we will have children. I know he definitely wants them which is a bonus, but he thinks we have plenty of time and wants to carry on being selfish for now.

OP posts:
AliceinBorderland · 16/10/2021 16:12

After 10 years he won't marry you first. There's your answer. 29 is young enough to start again.

Do not have a child without being married.

Issue an ultimatum. Marriage or you'll leave and follow it though.

Glassofshloer · 16/10/2021 16:16

I would frankly be insulted if somebody didn’t want to marry me after ten years Confused

Do not have a child without being married.

I get the feeling this advice won’t be heeded…

It feels mean saying all this but honestly OP, so many people I know have been dumped & left on the bones of their arse by men who they thought would ‘never ever do that’ but for some mysterious reason wouldn’t marry them either Hmm almost like the men were secretly protecting their own interests under the guise of ‘oh it’s only a piece of paper’ all along…

AliceinBorderland · 16/10/2021 16:30

It is insulting too I agree. Good enough to live with and have sex with. Not good enough to marry. Why on earth not!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Embracelife · 16/10/2021 18:05

You are fine to gave a baby unmarried

So long as
you own half the house
And go back to work after maternity leave
With no gaps
So you not financially dependent on him

Original poster
Becky131992 · 16/10/2021 18:21

I own half the house and will be going back to work after a year off probs for 4 days rather than 5 tho :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Becky131992 · 16/10/2021 18:46

My situation aside, I work with with children and families, and I'd say 90 percent of parents aren't married xx

OP posts:
AliceinBorderland · 16/10/2021 19:10

Crack on then. You clearly don't think you need to be married and it won't cause any problems.

He doesn't want a baby with you though...

RussianSpy101 · 16/10/2021 19:11

That’s your circle. I would say less than 10% of the mums I know are unmarried.

Your bed 🤷🏻‍♀️ We’ve all advised you on this thread and you have had a lot of support but it’s clearly fallen on deaf ears and you’ll let him carry on stringing you along.
You’ll be posting again in 2023 with the same problem. This man won’t commit to you.

MeadowHay · 16/10/2021 20:05

@Becky131992

I own half the house and will be going back to work after a year off probs for 4 days rather than 5 tho :)
So you will be taking a significant financial hit that he won't be - reduced income on mat leave followed by reduced income of a day a week's pay. Therefore marriage is very important for the security of yourself and any children you go on to have.
AliceinBorderland · 16/10/2021 20:16

Then the nursery fees of course. Is he going to cough up for half of those?

TrufflesAndToast · 16/10/2021 20:34

Just because you know lots of unmarried couples with children doesn’t mean it wouldn’t still be eminently sensible in your situation. Seriously, look into what it means either way for YOU and ignore what other people around you are doing.

Especially if the baby is being pushed much more by you, the risk of you ending up a single parent or having to compromise your work more than you currently plan, is much higher. Will he really step up and do his share of nursery pick ups etc for a baby that he isn’t showing any inclination of wanting? Maybe, but you would be a fool not to properly think all this through. Even for a couple that earn equally and are both as financially secure as each other there are things like inheritance tax which can make marriage very very wise.

shrugshrug · 16/10/2021 20:41

Great post from @Georgewontsleepnow
".......Unfortunately I think you are selling yourself short and he doesn't think you're worth the full investment. You are. And if he can't see it and you don't have the self-confidence to demand it, it's a sad and hopeless relationship."

I agree too with @RussianSpy101
"......We've all advised you on this thread and you've had a lot of support but it's clearly fallen on deaf ears and you'll let him carry on stringing you along.
You'll be posting again in 2023 with the same problem. This man won't commit to you."

The majority of posters are saying he's stringing you along but you don't want to hear that. When the very odd poster agrees with your viewpoint your posts brighten up because you feel you are getting validation.
You sound like a really nice person who would make a lovely Mum. He doesn't deserve you.

Chip13 · 16/10/2021 20:58

Thank you all. Xx I've got a lot to think about!

Chip13 · 16/10/2021 20:59

Sorry I changed my username also!

Chip13 · 16/10/2021 21:09

I really appreciate everyone's support and I'm sorry if people feel I'm not listening, I am. Xx

AliceinBorderland · 16/10/2021 21:11

At the end of the day, it's your life. You have live it as you want.

Best of luck 👍🏻

RussianSpy101 · 16/10/2021 21:37

@Chip13 can I approach this another way?

In 28 years... If this was your daughter posting, what would your advice to her be? You see her heartbroken as she longs for a baby she cannot have. You see her happy with a man she loves, but who wants different things.
What do you tell her?

Newmum29 · 16/10/2021 21:38

Are you okay with the fact that even if you got pregnant straight away you still won’t have a baby for 2 years? Conscious you said you were absolutely desperate..

LittleMysSister · 16/10/2021 23:11

Surprised by some of these comments tbh, obviously he is 'setting the agenda of the relationship', because the person who isn't ready/is saying no always does? It doesn't mean you need to split up because they won't do what you want.

He is not wrong to have a differing timeline to OP. Having a baby is a huge decision and both parties need to be ready. He has said he wants to have this one more year for just the 2 of them before TTC, I don't see how OP is being any kind of mug to believe the person she has known and loved for 10 years when he says this. They have both compromised by agreeing on this date.

Most people would discuss and agree something like this with a partner, not say it's now or never and end it, surely??

OP has one more year to wait, if he breaks this agreement then that is something concrete where he has reneged, and OP can walk knowing she is being fair.

LittleMysSister · 16/10/2021 23:12

@Newmum29

Are you okay with the fact that even if you got pregnant straight away you still won’t have a baby for 2 years? Conscious you said you were absolutely desperate..
In fairness, OP wouldn't get a baby quicker than that any other way either? Unless she splits with him today and uses a donor!
primrosee · 17/10/2021 02:39

@LittleMysSister yes she would, she would have a baby in a year IF they started trying now and IF she gets pregnant straight away.

What OP is saying that waiting one year doesn't mean she'll have a baby in a year.
If she does what her partner wants, then she won't have a baby for TWO years.
That's if she's lucky. An average couple takes one year to get pregnant.

CaptSkippy · 17/10/2021 13:37

@AliceinBorderland

After 10 years he won't marry you first. There's your answer. 29 is young enough to start again.

Do not have a child without being married.

Issue an ultimatum. Marriage or you'll leave and follow it though.

Uh, what? Why would you want to get married to someone who does not want to get married to you? Sounds like a recipe for an uninvolded partner who does the bare minimum in a relationship only so he doesn't lose you, but who is unenthousiastic about the marriage itself.
Sapphire387 · 17/10/2021 15:15

OP, you have been in a relationship with this man for basically your entire adult life. Perhaps you cannot see what many of us can- that there are plenty of good men out there, your entire life doesn't need to revolve around this one. I can't help feeling that you are falling foul of the 'sunken cost' fallacy - you have already given him so much of your time and you are reluctant to leave because it means leaving all that shared time and facing that it didn't lead where you wanted it to lead (marriage and children).

LittleMysSister · 17/10/2021 21:08

[quote primrosee]@LittleMysSister yes she would, she would have a baby in a year IF they started trying now and IF she gets pregnant straight away.

What OP is saying that waiting one year doesn't mean she'll have a baby in a year.
If she does what her partner wants, then she won't have a baby for TWO years.
That's if she's lucky. An average couple takes one year to get pregnant. [/quote]
Yeah I understand that but she's not able to start trying straight away because her partner doesn't want that, so it's not an option?

Realistically OP's options are either leave and look to meet someone else, in which case it's highly likely she wouldn't be trying for a baby as soon as January 2023, or work with her partner towards a compromise, which she is. The only way she could start trying immediately is with a sperm donor, which I'm guessing OP doesn't want.

Chip131 · 17/10/2021 22:13

This is probably me being crazy, we have been using condoms as stated but I have had a little niggle that I may be pregnant. Probably just all the talk of it though.

I have a few 'symptoms' but probably be being crazy here... And wistful thinking? Though I am its not gonna be the way I wantes it to be
Sex about 7 days ago around the time of ovulation.
Period due in about 9 days according to my app.
Ive had lower back pain for the last few days and shooting pains in my side. I have also noticed my discharge has changed and is more than usual and kinda creamy (sorry tmi). I also did have some brownish discharged when I wiped a few days ago.
Other 'symptoms' include a tiredness I have never felt before. I also feel like i have lots of saliva and this is making me feel sick at times.
Surely it would be too early for any symptoms? I also did a test stupidly today which was negative.
Ive been searching the boards and read about cervical checking, mine feels pretty soft to me.

Please be kind, I'm probably just being crazy atm it's been a stressful couple of weeks! X