Desperate for a baby

[Becky131992]

Hi there, new to this and I'm really struggling.
I am DESPERATE to try for a baby. When I say my heart aches, it's an understatement. I'm at the age now where my friends are falling pregnant and whilst I'm happy for them this is tinged with sadness.

So I'm 29 and my boyfriend is 32. We have been together over 10 years. No ring, but that's a whole other story...

We have lived together for three years. We are very happy, we have a good laugh together, still fancy each other and are best friends.
However, this is pushing us apart. I wanted to start trying a few months ago and he wants to wait another couple of years. I honestly don't think I can. I have tried very hard to make him realise its the right time (I know i shouldnt be pressuring him but I can't help it). I've even sent him graphs and age related statistics.. But even if there was no such thing as a biological clock I'd still want to start trying now.

I don't know what to do, I don't want to leave him. How do I make myself wait?

As a side note, I also work with babies and children and this doesn't help. Also everyone in my life keeps asking me when we will have children. I know he definitely wants them which is a bonus, but he thinks we have plenty of time and wants to carry on being selfish for now.

@Becky131992 I don't think he's making it obvious he doesn't want to be with you at all.

I think a lot of couples who get together young take longer to move things along as you tend to stay in that mindset of being a 'young couple', spend longer living between parents' houses, spend longer without having the money to do holidays etc which you'd like to do. I have 2 friends who have been in your situation and it has definitely taken them longer than average to get to each stage.

One of these friends has a partner who feels exactly the same as yours about marriage, he is just not into it, thinks it's a waste of time, costs too much money etc...she was really upset for quite a long time but on balance decided she could sacrifice that because the rest of their life was happy together. That was a compromise on her part. They have had a baby this year after 13 years together.

I think all you can do is impress on him how important this is to you, which it sounds like you now have. I don't think his reasons are entirely invalid tbh - life is very different with a baby and these last couple of years have been stolen from all of us really. I am TTC and even thought twice about continuing myself due to missing out on holidays etc over the past couple of years.

I do completely understand the yearning though, especially when you're surrounded by people having babies. I guess the only other thing you can do is give yourself an internal deadline as to when you feel you would really need to walk away, if the importance of having a baby outweighs the importance of being with this man. If he has said Jan 2023, it could be a couple of months after that or something.

@HoppingPavlova

I would say that most people are in their 20s and 30s when they have dc, men and women. I think being in your 40s is old to be a first time parent.

It’s not too old! Some disadvantages but a lot of advantages also. From a biological point of view it is getting late for many women, not all but not for men. It seems to work, as at the point a man thinks they are where they want to be in life in order to settle down and have kids, their circumstances are not unattractive to many younger women. They seem to naturally aim for women around 30yo, and then wham, bam marriage and babies, no waiting around, so the biological barrier doesn’t really exist.

Also, what difference does it make whether it's a first child or not? You're still the same age parent to whatever child is born. Doesn't make a difference if you had 2 in your 30s and then the next in your 40s, vs the first in your 40s.

There's plenty of time to get married in 2022. You could just about do it in 2021 if you wanted although obviously would be quite a small affair. But even if he wanted a big wedding there is plenty of time to do that.

We got engaged at the end of November of one year and married the following October. Could have been quicker we just didn't start any planning till after Christmas and then when we found a venue October was the earliest available date.

"Not enough time" is just another excuse.

Honestly, I feel the same way as your boyfriend. I've been with my partner for almost 8 years, we're both early 30s, but luckily neither of us is ready for kids yet. I don't see at all why some posters are saying it sounds like he doesn't want to be with you, it doesn't seem like that to me at all. He just isn't ready for a baby!
If my boyfriend was pressuring me to have a baby, I'd rather we break up than have one now. I think early 2023 is a great compromise, and I think in the same situation, it's about the earliest I'd be happy committing to in my position. As it would definitely not be a good idea to have a baby when one partner doesn't want to yet due to the enormous resentment it would cause, it sounds like a win win to me.

Sorry I've been quiet, some of these posts have been very hard to read and pretty upsetting, although I appreciate that everyone is just being honest with what they can see.
I feel like January 2023 is a good compromise, I really do. What was hurting me was the casual 'few years' we had going on. Yes you can go on holiday with a baby/ pregnant but if he's not ready, he's not ready.
I have told him that if he doesn't stick to this, I will walk, and he knows I'm serious about this. That will make me 30 so not too much older than I am now and young enough to start again if needs be.
Ive made the decision to trust him, as I have for 10 years. You may all think im a mug but it feels like the right choice.
Being firm about this has made me feel empowered and I do feel like I've really got my point across.
I have also talked to him about the legal implications of not being married and we will put things in place to make sure that both me and the baby will be well supported.
Taking a leap of faith!

I think you're doing the right thing OP - as long as you stick to your decision to walk away in Jan 2023 if need be. Good luck, I really hope it all works out for you!

I don’t think agreeing to get another one of his arbitrary deadlines is ‘empowering’ as such. I really hope it works out for you, but do brace yourself for the very real possibility of more excuses in 2023. All the best.

@Becky131992 'this has made me feel empowered'

I really wish you the best but you haven't made any progress really, you're not getting married, you're not trying for a baby - he just moved goalposts.
Its been all to his advantage - again.
Hope it works out for you though. 🌷

@Becky131992 how do you feel empowered? You’re no further than you were before and he’s got another couple of years to string you along.
So, let’s say it gets to 2023 and shock horror, he isn’t ready. What then? You leave and wait to find someone else, buy a house, get engaged, get married, this may take years leaving you closer to 40.

Or, you start trying in 2023 and it takes years to conceive?

He is really stringing you along and it’s horrible to see you think you have any power in this relationship.
He’s just telling you what you want to hear. We have 3 children and holiday 3/4 times a year abroad. We also went abroad twice in 2020 and twice so far this year so the pandemic certainly hasn’t stopped all travel. He’s talking shit.

I think you’ll be heartbroken in February 2023 when he kicks the can down the road again because it’s not the time or his chakras aren’t aligned or some bullshit excuse.

It happened to one of my managers.

I feel like this is a really sad update. All the compromise on your side and a vague promise on his. TTC is not having a baby. It can take years when a couple is proactive monthly. It's the marriage and compromise I'm most sad for you on. He doesn't want to marry you. Financial security is a silly excuse for the live and commitment of a ring and a marriage. Unfortunately I think you're selling yourself short and he doesn't think you're worth the full investment. You are. And if he can't see it and you don't have the self-respect to demand it, it's a sad and hopeless relationship.

Some men are never ready and the more they get used to the cushy coupledom, the worse it is for them to disturb it by deciding to have a baby.

All that planning and control often goes out of the window as the reality is never as u imagine it will be anyway.

I was strung along for 8 years (after getting married) and retrospectively I wish I walked.

@YogaLite

Some men are never ready and the more they get used to the cushy coupledom, the worse it is for them to disturb it by deciding to have a baby.

All that planning and control often goes out of the window as the reality is never as u imagine it will be anyway.

I was strung along for 8 years (after getting married) and retrospectively I wish I walked.

Did you go on to have a child with someone else Op @YogaLite?

I'm sorry for you. I would place a large bet that by 2023 you won't be married and he will have pushed the goalposts further again.
He's had 10 years of freedom, holidays bla bla.
And there isn't enough time to get married?! Don't be daft!!! My daughter married my SIL during the pandemic.. just ten of us.. perfect. Weddings are happening all the time and all you need a two witnesses and a registry office. And they now have a gorgeous 5 month old baby. (She's 27 and also a nurse so similar circumstances)

I think he is being very dishonest with you. If he hasn't married you after 10 years... he doesn't want to. And he doesn't want a baby either. If he did he'd have thrown away the condoms already. He is having his life how HE wants it without any real regard for your feelings.

You MIGHT be lucky and conceive easily in your 30s... but you might not.
I've seen this scenario several times, and generally it doesn't end well. You need an ultimatum now. Marriage NOW. TTC NOW or break up and find someone who GENUINELY has the same family goals as you do.

@Musttryharder2021, no, I put the foot down eventually, but he is disabled and I run out of time and options to have more.
We are plodding on together as unhappy as it gets.

I’m going to be harsh. He doesn’t want marriage and kids. If he did, the ring would have happened by now and either the child would be here or you’d at least be trying. As a woman, you’re at the perfect age for a first time mum. There’s loads of people on this site who have been in your situation, finally got the courage to leave and in less than 5 years are happily married with 2 kids.

Don’t waste any more time.

@becky1311992 I don't think you're a mug at all, I think you're in a tough spot that touches a nerve with a lot of women. You need to listen to your gut. Nobody online can quickly draw strong conclusions about such a nuanced situation. If your gut says you need to leave, then don't let fear of the unknown stop you. But personally, I'm 30, my partner and I have been together 12 years and we're about to start trying next year. We are married but that took some serious convincing, and our timeline to TTC has been a negotiation too. I know my husband adores me and wants the same things, I honestly trust that, but it can be really hard when our ideal timelines don't match up right away. Especially as I've been overwhelmed with primal broodiness lately! But we talk it through, like it sounds you guys talk it through. We strive to understand each other's point of view. We've not been to counselling but I've had it myself and think it can be really useful in situations like this. I think men sometimes use practical obstacles ("we need a bigger house", "what about the holidays lockdown foiled" etc. etc.) to express their emotions ("I'm not ready" or "I'm afraid of missing out"). He needs to reflect on the reality of his feelings, not the houses or holidays. If it really is about the houses and holidays, then he needs to grow up (there's lots of Peter Pans out there these days). If Jan 2023 feels right for you both, that's great. My only red flag here would be if he keeps trying to move the goalposts - what if another holiday gets cancelled? Would you postpone TTC further? If the next couple of years don't go perfectly to plan, and if he really respects that your relationship is a two way street, he'll need to give a little too. Thinking of you and sending love

❤️❤️❤️Thank you.

Have you thought about having fertility tests OP?

You can have a scan of your uterus and blood taken to check your ovarian reserve and egg quality. Costs a few hundred, but sounds like you have the money. Maybe let that guide you?

If the doctors say all is well, it might make you feel calmer. If the doctors say "don't delay", then you have some hard evidence to take to your partner as to why you start trying now.

For what it's worth I think you're a very moral person- lots of women In Your position would just have stopped contraception on the sly.

I have thought about it, im not sure how I'd go about it though?

Thank you, id never want to do that, I want him to want it too!

@Becky131992

I have thought about it, im not sure how I'd go about it though?

Thank you, id never want to do that, I want him to want it too!

Fertility "MOT" checks can be done at a private fertility clinic they'd test your AMH (Antimullerian Hormone), scan of the ovaries (to check the ovarian reserve), may even suggest a Hycosy test (to check your Fallopian tubes are patent)

@VladmirsPoutine

I asked so does that mean we will get married next year and he was like theres not enough time is there?

It's remarkable just how much you are letting him set the agenda of the relationship. You're letting him make all the choices and dancing to his tune. I think even if you do eventually have a child you'll be doing most of the parenting. Those long nights when baby can't be settled and you want him to take baby in the morning so you can get at least just an hour's worth of sleep he'll say "No, you wanted to have the baby so you deal with it."

In anycase that doesn't sound healthy. I would actually consider ending it. Because once you're letting him set the agenda you have absolutely no say in anything anymore.

I agree with this.

I don't think this relationship has a future, OP, or at least not the future you are hoping for.

You've had 10 years of holidays and doing what you want, child-free. And btw, it is still possible to travel and have adventures with children!

If he says a wedding is a waste f time and money then do what two lots of my friends did during the pandemic. Got married at the registry office just them and 2 witnesses. They wanted the reassurance of the legal stuff without a big wedding and didn’t want to wait any more.

Say yes to going to America and go get married over there!

@Becky131992

I have thought about it, im not sure how I'd go about it though?

Thank you, id never want to do that, I want him to want it too!

Not sure what area you're in, but you could google fertility clinics in your area and give them a call. It is about £400 for the initial checks so not ridiculous.

I think you need to arm yourself with the facts about your current fertility. That way you and your bf can have an informed discussion.

Also, if there is something there that may impact your ability to conceive, they will pick it up. For example, if they found a polyp, they could refer you to the nhs for removal, which would take place BEFORE your feb 2023 deadline. That way you're not going to be trying for a year, then wasting more time going for scans, then having treatment etc. It's a way if nipping any potential issues in the bud right now.

Also if you go ahead with the fertility tests and your bf freaks out or tries to persuade you otherwise, I think you have your answer about him right there! If he is serious about the feb 2023 deadline, he will support the checks.