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Original poster

Desperate for a baby

246 replies

Becky131992 · 13/10/2021 22:37

Hi there, new to this and I'm really struggling.
I am DESPERATE to try for a baby. When I say my heart aches, it's an understatement. I'm at the age now where my friends are falling pregnant and whilst I'm happy for them this is tinged with sadness.

So I'm 29 and my boyfriend is 32. We have been together over 10 years. No ring, but that's a whole other story...

We have lived together for three years. We are very happy, we have a good laugh together, still fancy each other and are best friends.
However, this is pushing us apart. I wanted to start trying a few months ago and he wants to wait another couple of years. I honestly don't think I can. I have tried very hard to make him realise its the right time (I know i shouldnt be pressuring him but I can't help it). I've even sent him graphs and age related statistics.. But even if there was no such thing as a biological clock I'd still want to start trying now.

I don't know what to do, I don't want to leave him. How do I make myself wait?

As a side note, I also work with babies and children and this doesn't help. Also everyone in my life keeps asking me when we will have children. I know he definitely wants them which is a bonus, but he thinks we have plenty of time and wants to carry on being selfish for now.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 14/10/2021 15:28

After reading your updates yes I believe he is stringing you along. It’s all about what he wants.

And his response to the idea of getting married next year is vile.

I don’t believe he wants to marry you and I don’t believe he wants to have kids with you. He enjoys his life with you taking care of all the housework and cooking and helping him improve his financial position. I’d walk OP.

TedMullins · 14/10/2021 15:28

He’s being ridiculous now. “There’s not enough time”… for what? A marriage doesn’t have to mean a wedding, just get the most basic package at the registry office for the next available slot and get the legal bit done. A wedding celebration/ceremony/party can be done any time but isn’t compulsory.

I have NO issue with people who don’t want to get married - I’m one of them! - but I do take issue with people saying they “don’t believe” in it or “it doesn’t change anything”, because it does. Legally, it does (and in fact the legal aspect is the entire reason I DON’T want to marry as I don’t want to join assets with anyone). But clearly he has no idea what marriage is about and is just fobbing you off with excuses. It seems like he isn’t being honest about the things he doesn’t want. Tell him you’ll call the registry office and find out their next available marriage slot and see what he says

Derbee · 14/10/2021 15:30

Is he making is obvious he doesnt want to be with me?

From the outside, yes. Yes, he is.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Ilady · 14/10/2021 15:35

Your 10 years with him. You told him you want marriage and children. He knows what you want but he told you we can start trying for a baby in Jan 2023. What about getting engaged? What about planning and setting a date for your wedding?
He is telling you what you want to hear but closer to that date he will have another excuse of why you can't try for a baby.

At this stage it time you made your own plans that don't include him. Don't mention getting married or having children with him again instead do what I have suggested here. Go back on the pill ect and let him still use condoms as you don't want to get pregnant with him.

I get a few auctioneers around to value your house when your at home and he is in work. When you know it's value you can see if you could afford to buy him out. Even if you had to remortgage the house over a longer period and rent out one of the rooms at least you're doing this for your own future.

When you do this and know where you stand re the house I tell your boyfriend that you have decided to end things with him. Tell him that after 10 years together that you wanted to get married and have a family but since he refuses to grow up your not wasting any more time with him.
I then tell him that you got the house valued and that you want to buy him out.

I know it won't be easy to end things with him but you deserve more than a man child like him. You want to meet a man who wants marriage and children like you do.
I know 2 woman who ended relationships around your age with men kept putting getting married and having children on the long figure. Both of them met men who wanted marriage and kids and they now have families.

It time to move on to the next stage of your life without your current comment phobic man child. Don't waste any more time with him because you deserve to be with someone who wants the same as you.

MeadowHay · 14/10/2021 15:38

@Derbee

Is he making is obvious he doesnt want to be with me?

From the outside, yes. Yes, he is.

Agreed.

OP, me and DH are about the same age as you. DH is a healthcare professional too, and I have a degree although not really a professional job, but I'm going to start a training programme for that next year. We already have a toddler and I'm about to have our second child. We've been together about a decade too. It's about being on the same page ultimately and you two are not. You can't let him string you along or you will regret it. Also marriage before kids was 100 per cent a deal breaker for me and should be for any person who is going to lose out financially as a result of kids (mat pay, shorter working hrs, whatever). You need to protect yourself and any decent partner should understand that without issue and be more than willing to show you their committment in that way. It's got fuck all to do with an expensive wedding, you could probably get booked in to the smallest room at your local registry office for a few months time at less than £100.

Glassofshloer · 14/10/2021 15:43

Also if he does ‘cave’ and you have a baby imminently, you’ll always feel like you had to nag him into it, that he didn’t really want to have a baby with you. Which is a breeding ground for resentment.

peaceanddove · 14/10/2021 15:49

@Becky131992

Hes just not that interested in marriage, he thinks it's a waste of money and doenst change anything. Id kinda come around to idea of that after many arguements/me crying lol. X
No. No. No.

Fair enough if he doesn't see much point in being married. That's fine. But the fact it means so much to you should really matter to him. If he's so uninterested in marriage then there's no reason why he shouldn't marry you, when he knows how happy it would make you.

In my experience, men aren't afraid of true commitment at all. They are just afraid of committing to the wrong person.

I have been exactly where you are now. Was with DP (now DH) for over 10 years. When we turned 30 we started to argue about getting married. I wanted to. He didn't. When I was 32 I gave him an ultimatum. He said let's leave it a few more years!

It broke me to pack my bags and leave him - but I couldn't risk spending all my thirties with him (he'd already had all my twenties) with no real commitment. I was heartbroken but I knew I had to walk away. Within 4 weeks he realised what he had lost and begged me to come back. He promised me marriage and children (and the moon on a stick) but I made him sweat for several months. I made him work to convince me that he was committed to me 100%. After he had proposed twice I finally agreed to marry him - we were married only 4 months later. That was nearly 20 years ago and we're still very happily married with 2 gorgeous DDs (DD1 was conceived on honeymoon, he literally couldn't get me pregnant fast enough).

So it all ended happily ever after. But it so easily might not. I took a huge gamble and it paid off. It might not be the same for you - but at least you will know. Everyone recovers from a broken heart eventually - but I don't think you can ever recover from being left childless.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 14/10/2021 15:58

I don't know you or your boyfriend what I do know from this post is
1 you want to get married and he doesn't
2 you want to have a baby and he doesn't
I don't agree with all the hate , he could be the best bloke in the world for all we know but it's clear you both want different things.
10 years together may have become a habit and its easier to complain about your situation than do something about it .
I think you should put your needs first, you only get one life

ovenchips · 14/10/2021 16:06

How long have you wanted to try for a baby? I don't mean a hypothetical 'Yes I want a family' but a 'I would like to be pregnant now'? It seems like that it's quite a while. So why does your boyfriend get to ignore that and still set a time of his choosing and expect you to be grateful?
I hate to say it but I think you are dealing with fiction from him about both things. I don't think he sounds that interested in marriage or children. He's having to be cajoled into it. Did he have to be cajoled into buying a house? Studying? Travelling? Anything else he's done as an adult?
As I said upthread - take it to couple's counselling. Do a few weeks and find out where you both really stand. Cos as the moment you are building on sand.

shrugshrug · 14/10/2021 16:41

@Becky131992
Many posters have said he's stringing you along.
But you're not listening.
He threw a few crumbs at you re dates and you think it will be fine and cling on to those words and try and fit them with your agenda but then he moves the goalposts.

You want different things.

My friend had a child at 30 no bother and desperately tried to have another from the age of 33. It never happened. No reason. Unexplained secondary infertility.
Assume nothing when it comes to fertility.

SandraOhh · 14/10/2021 18:16

You sound like a mug. For God's sake don't get pregnant.

Fernando072020 · 14/10/2021 18:23

How do YOU feel waiting until January 2023?
How would you feel if that date came and he turned around and said, no I'm still not ready?
Why can't you get married at the registry office next year and have a bigger celebration later on?

I think his reasons are weak honestly... you've had ten years together. We are off to Florida next summer with our DC, he'll be 2. Life doesn't stop when you have kids, just a different one begins. It just sounds like excuses to me. But you need to think about the above questions really, they are important ones to consider after your chat about what YOU want.

Embracelife · 14/10/2021 19:20

@Becky131992

So after a tearful conversation he has said we will start trying in January 2023 His arguement is that after being locked down we haven't done much, like everyone the last few years, we should enjoy 2022. Go on holidays we didnt make it to, go away to America for my 30th. What do we think of this?
Why wait? You could try on your holiday Conceived in America What's the magic about jan 2023? He prefers a holiday to having family You had ten years of holidays Do you want holidays in 2022 more than a baby?
Georgewontsleepnow · 14/10/2021 19:27

There's not enough time- terrible excuse! My boyfriend proposed at 25, 4/5 months later we had a big, wonderful wedding. 10+ years later and having baby 4. I wouldn't have had any babies with him if we weren't married. And I wouldn't have stayed with a boyfriend more than 2 years who was indecisive about marrying me. You are allowed to have relationship standards.

Ginger1982 · 14/10/2021 20:10

@Becky131992

Hmm.. Its so difficult. I felt very relived and quite happy when he said that. However, yes, quite scared that it will come to then and he will change his mind. I asked so does that mean we will get married next year and he was like theres not enough time is there?
You are so obviously not on the same page here. You've not accepted the no marriage thing if you're still asking him about it. And having tearful conversations over marriage and TTC is crazy! You need to be with someone who wants the same things you do. When I met DH I told him there was no way we would ever live together or have kids unless we got married and that if he didn't feel the same then it wasn't going to go anywhere. 18 months later we got married. You shouldn't compromise on the stuff that's important to you.
Obsidiansphere · 14/10/2021 21:32

You want different things…this man is not for you and isn’t treating you well.

firstimemamma · 14/10/2021 21:44

" we haven't done much, like everyone the last few years, we should enjoy 2022."

I find his language very telling. We should enjoy 2022 - but your way of enjoying it is to get on with ttc. He's telling you how you should be thinking by lumping his ideals (I.e holidays, "no rush" etc) in together with yours.

My husband and I have been together for just under 7 years, we have a 3 year old and are expecting another (both planned). There was a definite 'we' with us. The fact your DP uses 'we' with you just shows how much his head is in the sand regarding how you want different things. In January 2023 he'll probably just think of something else.

amusedbush · 14/10/2021 21:48

Honestly, I think he is going to keep kicking the baby deadline further down the road until you're too old to have one, then he'll admit that he never wanted one. I'm sorry to be harsh but I can truly see that being your future.

DH and I have been together for a decade, since we were 21, and married for half that time. If your OH wanted marriage and babies, he would have made that clear by now. He is fobbing you off so you will stop asking him about it.

firstimemamma · 14/10/2021 22:13

Also its perfectly possible to 'enjoy a year, go on holidays' etc while ttc / pregnant so that really is a poor excuse. During my first pregnancy we moved house towards the end of my first trimester, bought and assembled all the furniture ourselves and got all set up in a new town. Then when I was 5 months pregnant we went to Paris for a lovely holiday. We have absolutely zero local family support and dh works on the nhs frontline yet we made it work and it was amazing.

His 'no time' to get married thing is poor too. I know a couple who had a big / traditional engagement which was only 6 months. Much more low-key and simple weddings (like ours) can be easily arranged in 2-3 months.

mag2305 · 14/10/2021 23:48

Every relationship is different and I can only share my story. I met my dh when I was 30 and he was my first proper relationship. Within 2 months of meeting, we decided to try for a baby. It was a serious, committed, mutual decision. 2 months after that, I was pregnant. My dh had been with someone for years before me who wanted children with him, but he just didn't feel it was right with her. When you know it's right, you know but it does have to be a mutual feeling.
Hope it all works out. Plus, you're only 29 so try not to panic.

HoppingPavlova · 15/10/2021 07:17

I would say that most people are in their 20s and 30s when they have dc, men and women. I think being in your 40s is old to be a first time parent.

It’s not too old! Some disadvantages but a lot of advantages also. From a biological point of view it is getting late for many women, not all but not for men. It seems to work, as at the point a man thinks they are where they want to be in life in order to settle down and have kids, their circumstances are not unattractive to many younger women. They seem to naturally aim for women around 30yo, and then wham, bam marriage and babies, no waiting around, so the biological barrier doesn’t really exist.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 15/10/2021 07:20

Not enough time to get married next year??
Of course there is. I think he's stalling.

AnotherEmma · 15/10/2021 07:54

@Becky131992

Hmm.. Its so difficult. I felt very relived and quite happy when he said that. However, yes, quite scared that it will come to then and he will change his mind. I asked so does that mean we will get married next year and he was like theres not enough time is there?
Surprise, surprise - more excuses. He doesn't want to marry you; he's been consistent about that. He's stringing you along about babies, too. If he's going to make you wait, the very least he could do is marry you while you're waiting. I don't believe he will stick to his promise to start TTC in January 2023. And what then?

If it was me I would only agree to wait if he agreed to get married in 2022. If not I'd be ending the relationship.

You want marriage and children, don't give that up for this man.

Also see www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Redburnett · 15/10/2021 09:14

You have two options:
End it and hope you meet someone else soon, which is a bit risky........
Keep hoping your commitment phobic DP will change his mind - which seems doubtful - Jan 2023 is too far ahead to be convincing, he will probably come up with another excuse then. Some men just do not get the biological clock but given that you have explained it in detail he has no excuse.
In your position I would probably choose the first option, difficult and risky though it is.

mag2305 · 15/10/2021 10:37

I totally agree with other comments about this lady's partner being non committal and not invested. However, why so many comments about the Ops biological clock, she's only 29! Not 39! It's comments about the biological clock that make women freak out which doesn't help. It just puts pressure on. More important to find the right person to have children with first and just focus on that. My dh and I had the do you want children chat on our 3rd date Smile and he was more broody (his word) than I was, haha! But it was good to establish where things might lead really early on.