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Original poster

Desperate for a baby

246 replies

Becky131992 · 13/10/2021 22:37

Hi there, new to this and I'm really struggling.
I am DESPERATE to try for a baby. When I say my heart aches, it's an understatement. I'm at the age now where my friends are falling pregnant and whilst I'm happy for them this is tinged with sadness.

So I'm 29 and my boyfriend is 32. We have been together over 10 years. No ring, but that's a whole other story...

We have lived together for three years. We are very happy, we have a good laugh together, still fancy each other and are best friends.
However, this is pushing us apart. I wanted to start trying a few months ago and he wants to wait another couple of years. I honestly don't think I can. I have tried very hard to make him realise its the right time (I know i shouldnt be pressuring him but I can't help it). I've even sent him graphs and age related statistics.. But even if there was no such thing as a biological clock I'd still want to start trying now.

I don't know what to do, I don't want to leave him. How do I make myself wait?

As a side note, I also work with babies and children and this doesn't help. Also everyone in my life keeps asking me when we will have children. I know he definitely wants them which is a bonus, but he thinks we have plenty of time and wants to carry on being selfish for now.

OP posts:

Figgygal · 14/10/2021 13:09

Gr to be honest if he’s now saying January 23 I would accept that and yeah at your age spend some time doing more of the fun stuff but if you get to that point and then he did those or puts barriers in place you need to walk away because he’s never going to give you what you want

Though I would never have children with someone who wouldn’t marry me that would be another line in the sand for me

Musttryharder2021 · 14/10/2021 13:11

@Becky131992

So after a tearful conversation he has said we will start trying in January 2023 His arguement is that after being locked down we haven't done much, like everyone the last few years, we should enjoy 2022. Go on holidays we didnt make it to, go away to America for my 30th. What do we think of this?

Lol, how many more holidays does one need to go on justify before agreeing to have a child? Don't holidays get just....boring...? You want to nesting for a child...not another trip?

What is there left to do after being with someone for 10 years, travelled and bought a house? I think he's stringing you along...I guess this a compromise women make to stay in a relationship

Glassofshloer · 14/10/2021 13:12

@Becky131992

No, no and no again.

Op, he is taking the piss. Let’s say you get to 2023 - you’re 31/32 - he says yet again he’s ‘not ready’, doesn’t like your house, doesn’t like his job etc. What then? It’s like he’s just stringing you along long enough that you have no choice but to stick with him and hope he changes his mind because you’ll be too old to start again.

Op I say this gently and because you deserve someone who doesn’t treat your future and happiness so lightly. But he isn’t that into you. After years together he thinks you’re in the bag, and is treating you with contempt.

Leave, find someone else. I really think your 35 year old self will regret it if you don’t.

Interested in this thread?

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Families

MilkywayMonarch22 · 14/10/2021 13:20

Hmmmm tricky one OP, I was with my DP 10 years before getting married and 12 before having first DD last year. Tbf we did get together at 16/17 so both wanted to enjoy 20s a bit first!

But it sounds like your DP is just putting things off and off, and you need to consider that there may come a point where you've waited so long that it may take a bit longer to conceive especially if he's telling you each time to wait 2/3 years! Could go on years like that. Of course people are having babies later and later but you need to be clear with him about timescales that you are comfortable with.

Metallicalover · 14/10/2021 13:25

@Becky131992 I'm a nurse too, so if your like me went to uni straight from school and qualified at 21 you feel more than ready by late 20s.
Yes nursing is a profession, we're classed as a healthcare professional.
I never really get the whole, professionals have babies later, people just have different priorities! I've always wanted babies before I was 30, my husband the same. Our parents are at an age to enjoy running around with grandchildren etc
We both went to uni and got jobs in our fields that we want so got married at 25 and wanted babies at 27! Took 2.5 years to conceive and finally had our baby at 30!
I don't get his reasons for next year? Re pandemic, having a good time etc as you can still have good times when baby is here, when pregnant etc. Having a baby isn't 'my life is over' having a baby is different chapter and we were itching for that change as there had been a lot of years just us two, like yourselves.

My opinion is that he's stringing you along!

TableFlowerss · 14/10/2021 13:32

Firstly, not everyone wants to get married. A man that doesn’t want to get married isn’t a waste of space

Secondary, babies are 24/7. You can’t just pop them back to have a break. He’s only 32 and perhaps wants to have another couple if child free years before he gets tied down. Nothing wrong with that

I wouldn’t be ending it just yet but the pair of you will have to come to a compromise. You want one now, he wants to wait two years…. So the compromise is 1 year.

If it comes to this time next year and he’s still inning and arring then perhaps think about leaving him but I think it would be hasty to walk out now despite what many posters on here say

heldinadream · 14/10/2021 13:32

I think he's really scared, doesn't want his life to change, thinks you'll stop putting pressure on him, thinks the time will pass and you'll get used to it, and in his heart of hearts doesn't really want children but doesn't want to lose you.
Until you get strong and real and give him an ultimatum NOTHING will change and it'll be too late. Another year and a bit?
No. Sorry but no. I think if you keep giving in to his new timeframes, he's gonna keep making them - why wouldn't he?

TumtumTree · 14/10/2021 13:38

January 2023 is not a bad outcome - just over a year away and you'll be 30 - I think that's a reasonable compromise. Make it clear to him that if he's not ready by then, you'll leave.

Derbee · 14/10/2021 14:08

I don’t think he’s that into you. I think he’s keeping you on the boil, just in case. Jab 2023 will come and go, and there will be another excuse. Having a baby with someone that is doing it by force isn’t going to be fun. I would consider rethinking the relationship whilst you’re young enough to meet someone else and have children that you BOTH want

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/10/2021 14:51

I think that deadline will come and go. Setting you deadlines is what works for him.

Men can be ruthless.

Enquirer20 · 14/10/2021 14:51

I think all the stuff about him and your relationship with each other is all a bit irrelevant really because you have little control over any of that. All the stuff about how you can explain it to him, persuade him, negotiate with him etc is going to get you very little ground and more likely just make you feel even more choice less and powerless. You also cannot know what will/won’t happen in the future and trying to guess this is going to tie you up in knots.

I think this should be about you. You can only make choices for yourself, not him or the relationship. What do you value most where you are now? Is a child more important than your relationship? Can you tolerate waiting until he is ready? How long for? Only you can decide really what the next best step is for you.

Original poster

Becky131992 · 14/10/2021 14:52

Hmm.. Its so difficult. I felt very relived and quite happy when he said that. However, yes, quite scared that it will come to then and he will change his mind.
I asked so does that mean we will get married next year and he was like theres not enough time is there?

OP posts:

Musttryharder2021 · 14/10/2021 14:54

@Fluffycloudland77

I think that deadline will come and go. Setting you deadlines is what works for him.

Men can be ruthless.

True. Men tend to stay unless they get something better lined up and then up leave...they rarely leave with nobody new to go to...

lescompagnonsdeloue · 14/10/2021 14:54

I really hope that if you stay with him and he sticks to this, you get pregnant and have a successful pregnancy. How would you feel if you got to 35 and were having to start fertility treatment knowing that if you had started to try sooner, the odds would have been more on your side at 33? Also, the things he wants to do, are they things you want to do more than having a baby sooner?

lescompagnonsdeloue · 14/10/2021 14:55

@Becky131992

Hmm.. Its so difficult. I felt very relived and quite happy when he said that. However, yes, quite scared that it will come to then and he will change his mind. I asked so does that mean we will get married next year and he was like theres not enough time is there?

He doesn't want to marry you, does he?

VladmirsPoutine · 14/10/2021 14:55

I asked so does that mean we will get married next year and he was like theres not enough time is there?

It's remarkable just how much you are letting him set the agenda of the relationship. You're letting him make all the choices and dancing to his tune. I think even if you do eventually have a child you'll be doing most of the parenting. Those long nights when baby can't be settled and you want him to take baby in the morning so you can get at least just an hour's worth of sleep he'll say "No, you wanted to have the baby so you deal with it."

In anycase that doesn't sound healthy. I would actually consider ending it. Because once you're letting him set the agenda you have absolutely no say in anything anymore.

lescompagnonsdeloue · 14/10/2021 14:57

I think you aren't great at listening to him. He clearly really doesn't want to marry you and he wants to kick the baby idea far up the road. He's allowed to feel that, but is it ok with you? You seem to see it like a negotiation, but you have no real bottom line. Basically, he get to decide when you try for a baby. How do you feel about that?

YukoandHiro · 14/10/2021 14:58

Seriously get out now while you're young enough to meet someone else and have a family. I'm 40 and have a few friends who are still child free because men wasted their whole thirties promising they'd try "soon" and in the end left them because they didn't want to do it.

Listen to what his actions are telling you.

Newbabynewhouse · 14/10/2021 15:02

Aww bless you.. I just want to say YOU ARE YOUNG !!! I have just had my first baby and I am 30.. in a similar situation to you.. partner of ten years.. but he did want babies it was me who left it longer.. people are becoming parents later and later these days so don't worry too much about it being 'too late' or whatever... but I do understand the feeling as I kept thinking what if I leave it too long and I can't have kids.... I think that's hopefully less likely than you being able to though.. I worked with kids too and it makes you sooo broody... I would personally have a serious sit down with him.. but if also not rule out waiting another year get a nice holiday booked and do some nice things you won't be able to do with a baby and enjoy the last year of freedom..

Newbabynewhouse · 14/10/2021 15:03

I didn't read the whole thread oops.. i mean if he's making it obvious he doesn't want to be with u or have a family then yes leave now... you still have time...

Original poster

Becky131992 · 14/10/2021 15:06

@Newbabynewhouse

I didn't read the whole thread oops.. i mean if he's making it obvious he doesn't want to be with u or have a family then yes leave now... you still have time...

Is he making is obvious he doesnt want to be with me?

OP posts:

Bexxe · 14/10/2021 15:07

i am going through the exact same thing - but a bit earlier down the line.
I 100% feel i will be at your point in about a year or so, i explained to my boyfriend that he is actually being very selfish and very belittling to my wants and needs in life.
If its somehting you have discussed you've wanted, why does it have to be his word is the final word.
I have also come off the pill and started using condoms to prepare my body a bit better haha!

I dont really have any advise unfortunately, the wait is so painful especially when all your friends are goign through the same (im 26 and my friends are all ither pregnant or already had a child) and i have to grit my teeth and smile every time i hear another friend is pregnant.
But im here if you ever want to vent!

Lsquiggles · 14/10/2021 15:10

I don't know why you want to marry or have children with this man, why does he get to dictate all the decisions when he knows its so important to you? You've been together 10 years, travelled etc what more is he waiting for? You'll be pregnant for 9 months, plenty of time to still do things.

When did you first mention wanting to try for a baby? I really hope this hasn't been going on for years and years, it's awfully sad for you

I think you know all this but feel you can't leave and find someone who wants what you want because it might not be guaranteed and will take even more time than waiting for your current partner to decide he's magically ready

romdowa · 14/10/2021 15:24

@Becky131992

But why can't you enjoy 2022 or a holiday to America with a baby? He really doesn't sound keen to have children. I'm due my first baby next month , my self and my dp look forward to next summer when we can have fun with our dc. Our wedding next year with dc and our honeymoon with dc. Sounds like he sees children as the end of fun .

CaptSkippy · 14/10/2021 15:28

OP, I think he likes the life he has now. You just happpen to be in it. But he does not want anything that will change that. So he does not want to break up, but he also does not want you or himself to have to devote a lot of time and energy and money to a child.

Furthermore, you should consider it's by now means certain you'll get pregnant right away. He is talking a timeframe a year and half from now before he is even willing to start trying. It could be even longer before you actually do get pregnant. Do you really want to wait that long?

Finally, it is pretty clear that he has no intention of marrying you. You need to decide if that is acceptable to you.

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