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Original poster

Desperate for a baby

246 replies

Becky131992 · 13/10/2021 22:37

Hi there, new to this and I'm really struggling.
I am DESPERATE to try for a baby. When I say my heart aches, it's an understatement. I'm at the age now where my friends are falling pregnant and whilst I'm happy for them this is tinged with sadness.

So I'm 29 and my boyfriend is 32. We have been together over 10 years. No ring, but that's a whole other story...

We have lived together for three years. We are very happy, we have a good laugh together, still fancy each other and are best friends.
However, this is pushing us apart. I wanted to start trying a few months ago and he wants to wait another couple of years. I honestly don't think I can. I have tried very hard to make him realise its the right time (I know i shouldnt be pressuring him but I can't help it). I've even sent him graphs and age related statistics.. But even if there was no such thing as a biological clock I'd still want to start trying now.

I don't know what to do, I don't want to leave him. How do I make myself wait?

As a side note, I also work with babies and children and this doesn't help. Also everyone in my life keeps asking me when we will have children. I know he definitely wants them which is a bonus, but he thinks we have plenty of time and wants to carry on being selfish for now.

OP posts:
Cookiejarmonster · 14/10/2021 11:43

What has class got to do with OPs post?
Bizarre.

Original poster
Becky131992 · 14/10/2021 11:48

It's very interesting to read all these posts, this is my first time posting and its really good to read people's genuine thoughts-as when you ask friends or family they try and protect you.
He is logical and takes his time, he's very sensible. In 10 years he has never given me reason to question his love- until thhe whole wedding and baby thing of course.
Maybe I do need to be firmer. I try and not go on about it but a lot of time I cant help it. I'm very open and a bit of a dreamer-I can't keep my feelings in!
When I thought he said 30 yesterday I had tears in my eyes in happiness.
How do I show him I'm serious?

OP posts:
TorchFire · 14/10/2021 11:50

@zonkyzonky

Fwiw, I'm not a 'professional', I have just a job rather than a career and will be just shy of 40 before I give birth. I don't for into the middle class phenomenon of having children late, I just wasted too much time on pointless relationships but I'd agree on the whole there seems to be a socioeconomic trend for when marriages/babies happen.
I'm not middle-class myself, but my job means I needed multiple postgraduate degrees and a post-doc, which meant I was only starting my first 'proper' job after 30 -- I didn't want a child any earlier than I had one (I was only a few months off 40 when I gave birth, but even if I had the amount of moving around (international commute for several years) would have been impossible with a baby.

@Glassofshloer, socio-economic class is one of the things that tends to affect when women tend to have children, if they have children -- it's not relevant to the OP, no. My reply was to another poster who said she thought it was very unusual for people of either sex to have their first child in their late 30s or 40s.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Fernando072020 · 14/10/2021 11:54

I know how difficult this is. I also wanted children earlier than my husband. I feel like no one is really wrong in when they want children but after ten years, I think your partner is being unfair by not even talking marriage and yet keep telling you that's what he wants without doing it. I can only give you advice when I was in a similar situation. I met my husband at 21 and by 25 I knew I wanted to try for kids soon. This may seem young but I saw my auntie start trying at 25 and then sadly never have children because of endometriosis and I was already wanting children (I wanted two and before 30). My husband had a good job and been in it for 6 months when we had this discussion (I was 25 and he was 30). He said he wanted to get married before having children and gave me his timeline and I gave him mine. We ended up needing to compromise (he got married earlier than he was planning and I put off kids another year) but we both stuck to our word. 4 months after our discussion, he proposed and we got married. I agreed to then delay trying for a baby for another year. But once we were married, we started.

Sadly, we did end up having issues on my husband's part. It took 4 years from starting to try (I was 27) until we had our baby. I would sit down with your partner and lay out what you would like and the timeline and your expectations. Of course he can't be forced to agree with you, but he needs to tell you the truth so you have a chance of finding someone else who wants marriage and kids. You would regret it forever if he kept stringing you along and then eventually "changed his mind" or found someone else.

Good luck

Embracelife · 14/10/2021 11:56

@Becky131992

It's very interesting to read all these posts, this is my first time posting and its really good to read people's genuine thoughts-as when you ask friends or family they try and protect you. He is logical and takes his time, he's very sensible. In 10 years he has never given me reason to question his love- until thhe whole wedding and baby thing of course. Maybe I do need to be firmer. I try and not go on about it but a lot of time I cant help it. I'm very open and a bit of a dreamer-I can't keep my feelings in! When I thought he said 30 yesterday I had tears in my eyes in happiness. How do I show him I'm serious?
Just tell him That you serious about having a child Now And though you don't want to If needs be you prepared to close the door on this lovely 10 years with him and move on As a family is important to you And you don't want to wait in case there are issues
peanutbutterxo · 14/10/2021 11:57

Wow we are in an incredibly similar situation!
Same age, been with my partner for almost 10 years.

He also doesn't want marriage which is something that I too have compromised on and I do now see a life without marriage which I accept. However, I have always said even if we are just engaged for a long time that is better than nothing.

In terms of having a baby, it is always me who has to have that talk - he never ever brings it up and he is always extremely cagey with me when I do. When we first got together he was all for babies and marriage (a lot more than I was!). After years of consideration I have decided I am ready to try for a baby. I desperately want a baby too, always have done, but unfortunately I suffer with debilitating emetophobia which has made this decision extremely difficult for me. Now I feel like my partner is messing me about a lot - some days he wants a baby, next he's not ready. I have always made it clear to him that I won't make the decision to get pregnant lightly - it took me years to finally allow myself to decide I am going to try (the Emetophobia completely took over my life and I had to rule out plans of having a baby through this). Now he seems to be backing off!!

I don't have any particular advice for you, I just wanted to let you know that I'm here with you in the same situation! X

AmandaHugenkiss · 14/10/2021 12:04

I had a friend whose boyfriend said “at some point but not yet” to kids, and was massively reluctant to marry her. She left him.

He’s now married and admits to being firmly in the no kids camp. She found someone else and has a beautiful baby and is married.

I’m not married, and I don’t want to be, but I think it’s incredibly important when you have kids. It gives so much more protection. Have a very long think about what you can and can’t compromise on and then make it clear to him.

ShaneTheThird · 14/10/2021 12:06

Yes what does he actually want to spend the next 2 years doing?

And don't say buying a new house. You already have one of those.

Cantthinkofaname21 · 14/10/2021 12:12

It’s a difficult one as only you know how secure you feel in the relationship.

I know two couple very similar (the man wanted the children in the first instance eventually a surprise pregnancy at 38 after being together nearly 20 years! They own a house and will probably never marry!
The other was the woman she left the relationship and now both have moved on got married to new partners and had children. I always wander why he didn’t do it with her - I’ve never asked - but it does make you wander if he just couldn’t leave the relationship and didn’t want to commit in anyway.

Glassofshloer · 14/10/2021 12:14

I do now see a life without marriage which I accept. However, I have always said even if we are just engaged for a long time that is better than nothing.

How is it better than nothing? Bar being able to pawn the ring if he leaves you are skint lol.

Engagement doesn’t mean anything if you don’t get married - it’s the ‘married’ part that gives you the financial stability in case you ever split. It really, really matters - if he’s not willing to marry you and give you the protection you deserve before putting your life and body on hold to give him children, he doesn’t deserve you and sounds very selfish/flaky.

The first thing you do for your future children is choose their dad, please don’t choose one who takes such responsibility lightly and is clearly only out to protect number one. You all deserve better!

Skinnymuffins · 14/10/2021 12:15

So you've been with him 10 years, you've argued so much and cried over the marriage debate where he's got his way.

Looks like the same is happening with the baby... It's your life too.

Georgewontsleepnow · 14/10/2021 12:16

Hi. I'm really sorry, but no ring and no to children at this stage would be a dealbreaker for me. I don't think he's necessarily waiting for someone else, but he's not appreciating you and desiring to put your need first. By that I mean marriage more so than babies. Honestly I'd give him a timeframe of a few months to decide if he wants the whole commitment thing or not. Then you have the facts & truth to decide if you're willing to compromise what you want or not.

zonkyzonky · 14/10/2021 12:17

@Cantthinkofaname21

It’s a difficult one as only you know how secure you feel in the relationship.

I know two couple very similar (the man wanted the children in the first instance eventually a surprise pregnancy at 38 after being together nearly 20 years! They own a house and will probably never marry!
The other was the woman she left the relationship and now both have moved on got married to new partners and had children. I always wander why he didn’t do it with her - I’ve never asked - but it does make you wander if he just couldn’t leave the relationship and didn’t want to commit in anyway.

Some men don't like being alone...so it's preferable to be in an unsatisfactory relationship than having to make the first move of ending the current one in case it backfires.
Fluffycloudland77 · 14/10/2021 12:19

Honestly I’d leave. He doesn’t want marriage or kids with you or he’d have proposed by now. When they want to marry you their pretty keen on asking incase someone else nabs you first.

My dh was with his ex 22 years, no marriage or baby, was engaged to me within 6 months of splitting with her and talking about kids.

Bumblebee1223 · 14/10/2021 12:20

@peanutbutterxon I think that’s really sad and you deserve more. Being engaged doesn’t mean anything. There are plenty of men out there who would be lucky to marry you and have a baby, same for you OP.

Bumblebee1223 · 14/10/2021 12:20

@Fluffycloudland77

Honestly I’d leave. He doesn’t want marriage or kids with you or he’d have proposed by now. When they want to marry you their pretty keen on asking incase someone else nabs you first.

My dh was with his ex 22 years, no marriage or baby, was engaged to me within 6 months of splitting with her and talking about kids.

I agree.
Mulhollandmagoo · 14/10/2021 12:31

The problem is that if you wait two years and he puts you off again. He seems like he knows he can do everything on his terms because you wont go anywhere and he seems a bit flaky and not too fussed about letting you down.

Him not wanting marriage/wanting to wait for children is fine, but it doesn't align with what you want so based on that you're incompatible

VladmirsPoutine · 14/10/2021 12:37

My dh was with his ex 22 years, no marriage or baby, was engaged to me within 6 months of splitting with her and talking about kids.

This happens so often. If a man wants something like a wife and a child to happen he will make it happen.

Musttryharder2021 · 14/10/2021 12:48

@VladmirsPoutine

My dh was with his ex 22 years, no marriage or baby, was engaged to me within 6 months of splitting with her and talking about kids.

This happens so often. If a man wants something like a wife and a child to happen he will make it happen.

It is. And the women unfortunately prioritise the men, and their feelings for them, only not to reap the rewards of their 'compliance' and 'waiting'. We don't hear their voices...we only hear about those who managed to find and move on other relationships and have the marriage/children.
VodselForDinner · 14/10/2021 12:52

I have tried very hard to make him realise its the right time

Sadly, I don’t think there is any good time to have a baby with a man who a) doesn’t want one and b) won’t commit to you.

Ultimately, if he wanted to marry you, he would. If he wanted children with you, he would.

It sounds like he’s completely stringing you along.

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/10/2021 13:00

It’s ok for men they can leave it till their in their 40’s or later and meet a younger woman to have kids with.

It’s different for us though.

Original poster
Becky131992 · 14/10/2021 13:02

@peanutbutterxo

Wow we are in an incredibly similar situation! Same age, been with my partner for almost 10 years.

He also doesn't want marriage which is something that I too have compromised on and I do now see a life without marriage which I accept. However, I have always said even if we are just engaged for a long time that is better than nothing.

In terms of having a baby, it is always me who has to have that talk - he never ever brings it up and he is always extremely cagey with me when I do. When we first got together he was all for babies and marriage (a lot more than I was!). After years of consideration I have decided I am ready to try for a baby. I desperately want a baby too, always have done, but unfortunately I suffer with debilitating emetophobia which has made this decision extremely difficult for me. Now I feel like my partner is messing me about a lot - some days he wants a baby, next he's not ready. I have always made it clear to him that I won't make the decision to get pregnant lightly - it took me years to finally allow myself to decide I am going to try (the Emetophobia completely took over my life and I had to rule out plans of having a baby through this). Now he seems to be backing off!!

I don't have any particular advice for you, I just wanted to let you know that I'm here with you in the same situation! X

Thank you, its good to read im not alone. Sending you lots of love xxxxx
OP posts:
Original poster
Becky131992 · 14/10/2021 13:03

So after a tearful conversation he has said we will start trying in January 2023
His arguement is that after being locked down we haven't done much, like everyone the last few years, we should enjoy 2022. Go on holidays we didnt make it to, go away to America for my 30th.
What do we think of this?

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 14/10/2021 13:06

If you were to accept Jan 2023 then that would have to be the cut off in my opinion. If it gets to Jan 2023 and he's still dithering then I'd be cutting him loose. That said, I wouldn't have waited 10 years without having already a clear cut agreement as to what I wanted.

Bumblebee1223 · 14/10/2021 13:09

I can understand that reasoning actually, I think holidays and experiences before having a baby is important and it is only a year away. I was content to have DC young but only because I’d done a lot of travelling first. The question is do you trust him that he will keep to his word?

Also- the financial situation? Would you go part time? Or be a SAHM? Who earns more? Will he really not get married? That would be a dealbreaker for me.