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Original poster

Desperate for a baby

246 replies

Becky131992 · 13/10/2021 22:37

Hi there, new to this and I'm really struggling.
I am DESPERATE to try for a baby. When I say my heart aches, it's an understatement. I'm at the age now where my friends are falling pregnant and whilst I'm happy for them this is tinged with sadness.

So I'm 29 and my boyfriend is 32. We have been together over 10 years. No ring, but that's a whole other story...

We have lived together for three years. We are very happy, we have a good laugh together, still fancy each other and are best friends.
However, this is pushing us apart. I wanted to start trying a few months ago and he wants to wait another couple of years. I honestly don't think I can. I have tried very hard to make him realise its the right time (I know i shouldnt be pressuring him but I can't help it). I've even sent him graphs and age related statistics.. But even if there was no such thing as a biological clock I'd still want to start trying now.

I don't know what to do, I don't want to leave him. How do I make myself wait?

As a side note, I also work with babies and children and this doesn't help. Also everyone in my life keeps asking me when we will have children. I know he definitely wants them which is a bonus, but he thinks we have plenty of time and wants to carry on being selfish for now.

OP posts:

WakeMeUpin22 · 14/10/2021 00:08

Sounds like marriage and babies are too much of a commitment for him. Maybe the biggest commitment he'll ever have made with you is a mortgage.

Perhaps you need to give him an ultimatum because what happens if in 2 years time he still doesn't want a child? You're still young enough to meet someone else/get married and have a family.

WakeMeUpin22 · 14/10/2021 00:09

Please don't waste your life waiting fror something that might not happen.

Selfish people don't change.

Peach01 · 14/10/2021 00:13

What does he expect to get out of his system over the next couple of years? What if he still doesn't feel ready?
I feel for you, you've been together so long.
I agree with @PutBabyInTheCorner about the time line of a year. It could happen straight away but equally it could take a while.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Flickeringgreenlight · 14/10/2021 00:20

He doesn't believe in marriage you said and want to wait having children. You want to get married and want to have babies. So posters saying if he doesn't marry you & have babies he doesn't care about you. Well, isn't that the same for you OP? Isn't that the same the other way around? Why do your feelings & needs trump his? You both need to make decisions about what's important to you and where your lives are heading. Neither of your views are wrong. They are just different. Nothing wrong with wanting babies and nothing wrong with not wanting ring then but you do need to be honest about how much of a deal breaker this is.

BubbleCoffee · 14/10/2021 00:54

It's all very well him wanting to 'be selfish' but you don't have all the time in the world. If he isn't ready yet, despite your biological clock ticking, why would he feel differently in a year or two?

TedMullins · 14/10/2021 01:16

@Flickeringgreenlight

This. Neither of you are wrong for wanting what you want but it sounds like he might not be being completely honest. It could be that your life goals and desires just aren’t compatible any more.

Rainbowqueeen · 14/10/2021 06:00

It really seems like you want different things.

Look up future faking and see if it resonates.

It also worries me that he doesn’t seem to have anything in particular that he wants to achieve before you start trying. If he said I want the mortgage down to x amount and this is how we will do it then I’d feel differently.

Have you had a discussion with him about the legal impact of money? Are you aware yourself? Without marriage you would need to go back to work full time to protect yourself after having a baby. Is that what you imagine? Is it what he imagines?

In your shoes alarm bells would be ringing and I’d seriously consider moving on

Newmum29 · 14/10/2021 06:07

My ex felt the same, we were together 9 years. Didn’t see the point in marriage. I wanted a baby, I was 27. He wasn’t ready. We broke up.

Spent a year getting over him. Met someone else. Got engaged after 18 months and our daughter was born just 3 years after we met. My ex is also now having a baby with someone else.

He wasn’t wrong for saying no, I wasn’t wrong for leaving but we are both much happier now.

romdowa · 14/10/2021 06:26

Sounds like after 10 years this guy is just going to keep kicking the can down the road. There will always be an excuse . Can you live with that? If in two years he says that he wants to wait another 2 or that he doesn't want children at all?

InTheNightWeWillWish · 14/10/2021 06:33

People can be at different stages in the relationship. I wanted to get married before my husband did and he wanted to TTC before I did. Neither of us was wrong or selfish for waiting to be ready.

However, we were honest and simply said we weren’t ready. Sometimes there were reasons why we felt we weren’t ready. We didn’t minimise what the other person wanted and was ready for. He’s reduced it to he is interested in marriage, it doesn’t change anything and he wants to be selfish and still focus on himself before kids. It’s all about him and it honestly sounds like he thinks marriage and kids is going to be the biggest drag of his life. Even if he does agree to marriage and children, do you want those with someone who sees them as a massive drawback to his life? Or would you rather have a baby with a man that is excited about being a father?

lisaandalan · 14/10/2021 06:46

I know you say he wants children but I would think he actually doesn't but can't tell you.
He seems a bit of a commitment phob.
I'd leave before you waste anymore time.
My sister spent years with someone no ring no children, then he left her.
She is now 35 and is having trouble conceiving ( her husband) but now is not sure if they will sort it in time because of their ages.
I'd definitely leave if I were you.
Sorry OP. X

SmellyOldOwls · 14/10/2021 06:51

He may come around in time but do you really want to stay with someone who doesn't care what you want?

TumtumTree · 14/10/2021 06:55

Oh OP. I really feel for you. I was in a similar position (had been together for years and was keener on marriage and kids than he seemed to be) but eventually we got engaged when I was 28, married at 29 and started trying for a baby at 30. I'm not sure what I would have done if he had refused to get married and was still expecting me to wait a couple of years before TTC. I think the right answer is probably to break up, as there's no way I'd have been able to wait around for another couple of years with no guarantee he'd stick to that. I know that's hard but maybe you just want different things?

RampantIvy · 14/10/2021 06:59

Unlike other posters I don't think marriage is a deal breaker at all before having kids.

That is because you are financially independent. For women who aren't it is very important.

I agree @Becky131992 that neither of you is wrong. You both want different things right now. Please don't even think of getting pregnant while he isn't on board with the idea.

primrosee · 14/10/2021 07:09

I brought up children chat after being with my OH for just one year... it seemed so soon (and I thought maybe desperate) but I was 34, I had to have the chat (still remember the nervousness of him getting scared and pulling away!).

Luckily he agreed. We have been trying for a year now and nothing. Going to a fertility specialist soon. I never thought I'd have problems; we are both so healthy.

I see his point too. It's hard but you need to decide what you want more - wait two years (he might change his mind again!), or give him an ultimatum BUT be ready to follow through and separate.

10 years is a long time. He's 32 not 22. You're almost 30...

TheUnbearable · 14/10/2021 07:10

A mortgage is a practical financial commitment so people get mortgages and feel as if it’s enough to show a level of seriousness in a relationship. Okay you can get burned by entwining finances but usually and in your case as both earning its mutually beneficial. It helps him.

Marriage and children bring what should be an emotional commitment.

Regardless of the practicalities of marriage and it’s benefits especially if dc arrive only you know if not marrying is a dealbreaker.

There have been so many stories of women on MN who hold out and their partners then go off and marry and have dc quickly with another woman.

Your getting to that age where people really are starting to settle. There are decent women and men of all ages who are single but it gets harder the older you get.

People can marry without any fanfare and almost no expense. I think after a decade and him not wanting to marry, leave him.

Roselilly36 · 14/10/2021 07:14

Aww I feel for you, I know that feeling, when you desperately want a baby, I was exactly the same at your age. The feeling of wanting a baby is overwhelming.

Is it just financial reasons that your DP doesn’t want to get married, as you say DP thinks it’s a waste of money? Would you be happy was a small wedding? That could be arranged for little cost. Or does he just not want to get married? You need to sit down and discuss this and your feelings about wanting a baby. Unless he can give you some assurance, ie booking a wedding, when to start trying for baby, then he is not the man for you sadly. Don’t be led on any longer OP. If he doesn’t want what you want, the relationship will fail and resentment will build.

Good luck.

Glitterybug · 14/10/2021 07:19

If marriage isn't important to him, it's just a piece of paper etc then why won't he do it to make you happy, if it's that unimportant it won't be a big deal. Ultimatum time. Marriage and babies or you're off. You don't need an engagement ring or a fancy wedding but marriage confers certain legal rights that may help you in the event of a baby. Don't sit around waiting for some man to decide your life for you.

RussianSpy101 · 14/10/2021 07:20

To be perfectly honest OP, I think he’s stringing you along.
Me and DH got together age 16, as did many of our friends. We travelled, had lots of holidays, bought our house at 20 as did a few of the others. We are now 30, married with children, again a few of the others are too.
Except 2 couples; both 30 and lived together much later than the rest of us and no ring or children. It’s common knowledge amongst the men that these 2 men do not want marriage or children but the girlfriends won’t hear of it. It’s really sad to watch them be stringed along and talk about the things the think they’re going to have in the next couple of years. They’ve wasted years on these men.

Clymene · 14/10/2021 07:24

I also think he's stringing you along. Sorry. How long has he been saying 'a couple of years?'

Glitterybug · 14/10/2021 07:24

Why do your feelings & needs trump his?

Because if he isn't ever intending to have children and wants to keep putting it off then op needs to put herself first. She should absolutely regard her life goals as the most important thing to her. Nothing to stop him dragging this out and wasting her fertile years. They've been together 10 years fgs. Plenty of time to make his mind up.

I really wanted to be married before i had children. I wasnt prepared to compromise on that for anyone. If the person i was with didn't feel the same then they weren't the right person for me.

Tickledtrout · 14/10/2021 07:41

I was in the same situation with my first husband. Eventually took a counsellor saying to me " he's not committed to anything really has he?".
He went on to marry a much younger woman who spent years doing up a house and talking about when they have children. She's now 46 and childless. They have dogs and seem happy enough. But it wasn't for me. I'm remarried and my children are now teens. Follow your own dreams. He knows what you want and is misusing his power to drag it out. He won't commit to ending it - doesn't need to - so you need to.

SnowyQueen · 14/10/2021 07:53

@Becky131992 at 29 you are not “really young” to be a first time mum. What if you wait 2 years and he’s STILL not ready? Do you have stable jobs to financially support dc?

PutBabyInTheCorner · 14/10/2021 07:58

@RampantIvy
Agreed but I don't understand why more women aren't, especially before having children. It seems like they're waiting for a man to look after them (appreciate this isn't the situation of the OP but it seems to be for many women who are completely reliant on their other half financially).
I have 3 daughters and have always encouraged them to manage their own finances and look after themselves.

RampantIvy · 14/10/2021 08:11

I don't think enough women understand the financial implications of marriage or not being married @PutBabyInTheCorner.

Also, there will be a myriad of reasons why women might not be the higher or equal earner, or why she has become pregnant in the first place.

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