Desperate for a baby

[Becky131992]

Hi there, new to this and I'm really struggling.
I am DESPERATE to try for a baby. When I say my heart aches, it's an understatement. I'm at the age now where my friends are falling pregnant and whilst I'm happy for them this is tinged with sadness.

So I'm 29 and my boyfriend is 32. We have been together over 10 years. No ring, but that's a whole other story...

We have lived together for three years. We are very happy, we have a good laugh together, still fancy each other and are best friends.
However, this is pushing us apart. I wanted to start trying a few months ago and he wants to wait another couple of years. I honestly don't think I can. I have tried very hard to make him realise its the right time (I know i shouldnt be pressuring him but I can't help it). I've even sent him graphs and age related statistics.. But even if there was no such thing as a biological clock I'd still want to start trying now.

I don't know what to do, I don't want to leave him. How do I make myself wait?

As a side note, I also work with babies and children and this doesn't help. Also everyone in my life keeps asking me when we will have children. I know he definitely wants them which is a bonus, but he thinks we have plenty of time and wants to carry on being selfish for now.

@RussianSpy101

To be perfectly honest OP, I think he’s stringing you along. Me and DH got together age 16, as did many of our friends. We travelled, had lots of holidays, bought our house at 20 as did a few of the others. We are now 30, married with children, again a few of the others are too. Except 2 couples; both 30 and lived together much later than the rest of us and no ring or children. It’s common knowledge amongst the men that these 2 men do not want marriage or children but the girlfriends won’t hear of it. It’s really sad to watch them be stringed along and talk about the things the think they’re going to have in the next couple of years. They’ve wasted years on these men.

It's really sad, I agree @RussianSpy101

Are the women too financially insecure/enjoy the status quo more than trying to go at it alone to have children?/Easier to be in denial? It sounds like nothing will change ...as in these men will not be involved in forming a family with them.

I almost lost out on motherhood due to a former long term & partner/husband dragging his feet and aged 38/39 I embarked on exploring solo parenting - I'm pregnant via a sperm donor and extremely fortunate that I was got pregnant on the first try (IVF). Very expensive and tough process in itself but worth it. I could have easily ended up childless... and so far, no man would have been worth the sacrifice.

He may come around in time but do you really want to stay with someone who doesn't care what you want?

That doesn’t really make sense as you could just as easily flip that and say the same thing about OP in relation to caring about what her partner wants. Personally I don’t know of any guys that had kids in their 30’s, all too busy trying to get themselves established at work. I’m sure plenty must exist, I just don’t know any so personally don’t find it unusual that a 30yo man doesn’t want kids at that point. They all ended up marrying younger women once they were ready to raise their heads from work being a priority and then had children quickly at that point.

So, OP, if current situation fails maybe look for a guy in his 40’s ready to settle down and quickly progress to kids?

@HoppingPavlova

He may come around in time but do you really want to stay with someone who doesn't care what you want?

That doesn’t really make sense as you could just as easily flip that and say the same thing about OP in relation to caring about what her partner wants. Personally I don’t know of any guys that had kids in their 30’s, all too busy trying to get themselves established at work. I’m sure plenty must exist, I just don’t know any so personally don’t find it unusual that a 30yo man doesn’t want kids at that point. They all ended up marrying younger women once they were ready to raise their heads from work being a priority and then had children quickly at that point.

So, OP, if current situation fails maybe look for a guy in his 40’s ready to settle down and quickly progress to kids?

I've noticed and I stand to be corrected, working class men that I've come across (who self identified as being working class) all had their children in their early/mid twenties. Middle class men (who also self referred as that) were to 'busy' pursuing their careers/hobbies/going out with their friends...and had no intention of settling down and having children until mid 30s/late 30s/early 40s and knowing full well that they could trade in whatever current gf for a younger model when the time came to start a family.

@HoppingPavlova

An advantage of a younger man vs a man in his 40 is the quality of his sperm. The older man may be more 'ready' but there could be other issues. This is why sperm banks use younger sperm donors below the age of 42/41 normally...a man in his 40s may have male fertility issues (1/3 of infertility cases are due to male factor). Just something to consider.

Maybe he just doesn’t care as men can have a baby at any age?

I agree it is the right time for you. I’m your age and just had twins! So have 3. I wouldn’t wait any longer and wouldn’t want to be having babies well into my 30’s.

This must be so heartbreaking for you. DH may have waited longer but he knew I always wanted marriage and babies. We have also been together 10 year and married almost 5.

So sorry to say this but if he doesn’t want to get engaged and start trying- he just doesn’t want to. I don’t think there is much more to it.

We talked about getting engaged, I don’t know anyone that had an out of the blue proposal- it is a big decision.

Talk about getting engaged, set a date for a wedding (it’s clear you want to be married first), agree to start trying straight after.

Also- it sounds like you might be hoping for an ‘accidental’ pregnancy? By coming off contraception? Just be careful as it’s never a good idea to have a baby with someone who clearly isn’t ready to commit.

It is very hard all. I totally get the whole 'why are my feelings more important than his' argument. They arent. I made the choice to stay with him even though he didn't want to get married, I got over that, although your all right, I would have liked to.
He has given me a time frame, yesterday he was like when your 30-31 and I was actually excited about this as I'm 30 in 6 months and obviously I looked at the closest date. And then he was like oops I thought you were 28 for a second there (great) I'm saying two years to start trying.
That's too long for me and I said that.

It is extra hard when a few of my friends are pregnant accidently and they are really happy. I know i shouldnt compare but id like to have company when going through this. I also have this paranoid feeling that my friends won't tell me when they have good news now as it may upset me.

In regards to accidental pregnancy and me coming off the pill, I came off because id been it on a long time. We do use condoms every time. I'd be lying if I said I didn't hope they may split but on the other hand, the thought of him thinking I did that on purpose is scary. Although he has said if it accidently happened he'd be happy. Which just makes me think, okay let's make it happen on purpose then?!
I really don't want to leave, but if its the right thing I guess I have to

I feel for you as ive had this overwhelming broodiness before more than once. Its SO intense and primal. No ignoring it.
Do you think it might be ultimatum time?
Its not as if after having a baby you never get to be selfish or do nice things again. Especially if you only have one or two

You just want different things, on a different timescale. I had absolutely no desire to get married, but it mattered to my DP, so eventually I agreed for his sake. Ten minutes in a register office and a fancy lunch with our two witnesses was no skin off my nose.

But I would have thought he was completely mad if he’d been so consumed with having babies in his late 20s, and that would have been a compromise I was unprepared to make. Fortunately, we were on the same page about children, and had one child when I was 39, as was both our preference. That is clearly not what you want. I think you need to think seriously about why you’re staying in a relationship that’s not giving you two important things you want.

Whether or not he’s doing it consciously, he isn’t acknowledging you are working on a different biological timeline and running more risks than he is. That’s what would be bothering me, since it would make me think he didn’t care for me as much as he was saying, actions speak louder than words. There’s that phrase ‘If not now, when?’.

It sounds like he is a bit scared of the whole thing. There are lots of threads on here from women who have been badly let down by their partners after the birth of the baby. He needs to be honest as there’s no point him being pressurised into it only to freak out and be useless. It is hard work, is he up for it or not?

Sorry but after 10 years, no commitment ( and now you don’t have to be married you can have a civil partnership to make both of you secure) and no kids for another couple of years ( yeah right,) he’s just not going to do it

In a couple of years he’s likely to say 2 more, in the meantime what happens if you can’t get pregnant then and need help, years are passing on

You both want different things, so perhaps it’s time for you both to move on

@Becky131992

I wasted 11 years with my ex, full of false promises no ring, no baby, didn't want to buy a house together, we lived in my house he rented his out

I got fed up and gave him an ultimatum and he left. That was 11 years ago

He's still in the same house had afew girlfriends (were amicable and have a lot of the same friends) but he just won't commit to anyone

I on the other hand had my first child at 35, 2nd at 38 which was a bit later than I really wanted but it did happen for me but I know some who aren't as lucky with this and I understand why your anxious about it - I was exactly the same

I'd do what I did - give him an ultimatum and if he's not on the same page you'll meet someone else

It sounds that you have also felt your boyfriend not being on the same page as you about some other things, most particularly getting married. That you've had conversations which end in tears as you want to get engaged or married and he doesn't/doesn't yet. Anything similar about moving in together? I'm not sure he's not dragging his feet about everything commitment-related.

In which case that should tell you something I'm afraid. Sounds like you have just been having to wait him out about the things he doesn't want to commit to.

It's very hard to see it when you're in the situation and in an otherwise happy relationship but you do have an issue - an issue that may split you up.

I would do some sessions of couples counselling about the issue of having a child. He needs to know postponing the decision to have children could result in the scenario of losing you (not just the scenario of you complaining to him for the next two years and him rolling his eyes which is what he is probably imagining will be worst case scenario). You need to know if he does really want children and on what timescale.

These are not easy conversations - because they have the potential to kill the relationship - one in which you are both otherwise happy. Which is why if you have them in front of a counsellor you are both much more likely to hear honest answers from each other and for each of you to know what the other truly wants. It's important.

He may be one of those men who are a good boyfriend but not suited to being married or having children. Just because he is a good boyfriend doesn't mean he will automatically progress to welcoming being a husband and dad - it really doesn't. That unpleasant truth is what you may be facing.

I wish you lots of luck OP and hope you find resolution either way, rather than continuing to having to play a waiting game in your own life.

He’s absolutely stringing you along OP. Whether he knows it or not.

Even if you manage to persuade him to have a baby, doing it unmarried is very unwise unless you and he plan to share parental leave and then you continue to work full time - from what you’ve said I’d be surprised if that’s what he or you want. Read all the many threads on here about the risks of having a baby without the legal protection of marriage. Don’t be so desperate that you screw yourself over - know your own worth.

And is that how you want it to be anyway? Him reluctantly giving you the bones of the family you want? And every time the going gets tough, is his attitude going to be ‘well it was you that wanted this?’

You need to be all in, together, both of you. That’s never going to happen here. You need to find the strength to put yourself first, just like he is, and move on and find someone who shares your goals. Don’t just accept whatever scraps of a life he dictates you will have until it’s too late for you.

@HoppingPavlova Personally I don’t know of any guys that had kids in their 30’s, all too busy trying to get themselves established at work. I’m sure plenty must exist, I just don’t know any so personally don’t find it unusual that a 30yo man doesn’t want kids at that point.

I would say that most people are in their 20s and 30s when they have dc, men and women. I think being in your 40s is old to be a first time parent.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but after 10 years! what are you doing with this man?
It doesn't sound like he wants commitment with you.

@HoppingPavlova I don't find that common most people I know are having their first child late 20s and early 30s.

OP he's stringing you a long. As someone who has know their husband 17 years at the age of 32 he doesn't want to commit. The marriage and civil partnership concerns is a big no no! Pushing the boundaries back for having a baby! When you've been together 10 years! Nope!

I have a feeling that he does love you, doesn't want to upset you and say no so hoping he can string you along until you change your mind or leave him.

Give him an ultimatum and urge him to tell you the truth! As part of a relationship you need to be honest with each other! Your both young and will have trials and tribulations ahead and you need to be able to communicate!

OP, how are the household chores divided at the moment? Who is doing most of the cooking and cleaning?

@Blankspace4

It’s been 10 years.

From someone who waited too long to start trying, take it from me, he’s the wrong man.

I’d get out while you are still young enough to meet someone who shares your vision of family life

Very true.

My concern for you is that if you have children with him and don't marry, and then your career falls to the side, you leave yourself very unprotected legally if the relationship falls apart years later. I made it clear to my DP that I would not be having kids until we are married, explained why, and he completely understood why it was so important.

I feel for you though, there is no easy answer here. Hope other posters can help you through it

I was with my ex for 8 years - he was the same. Didn’t want to get married. Wasn’t sure about kids yet. My friends all had kids. His started having kids. He wasn’t sure. It hurt, a lot. I couldn’t imagine life without him and believed I loved him completely. I posted here a lot at the time.

We split, eventually. It was hard, but it was clear that we didn’t want the same things. I had to walk away.

I’m 31 now and nearly 8 months pregnant. My husband is an amazing man; and I’m so happy I didn’t force my ex to have kids. He wasn’t ready, and we weren’t right. It hurt - I think I was so used to him being there that it felt a lot like love - but it’s nothing compared to what we have now. And my husband is amazing. He wanted to get married, and surprised me with a lovely proposal. He was hands on with the wedding and baby prep. He’s read the baby books, looked for bargains, come to classes. He’s just as excited as I am. There’s nothing in the world that I’d trade that for… honestly.

My friends kids are older now - most have two or four. Half are divorced. Some have moved away. I’m making a bit of an effort to meet people due around the same time as me at antenatal classes, and I’ll try at baby classes, too.

I’d like to tell you that it’ll all work out - but I can’t. You need to start by honestly asking yourself if you’ve compromised too far on not getting married, if it’s something you want. If it’s not, and he’s said two years - can you cope with that? What can the two of you do inside those two years to show you that he’s still committed and serious?

I wouldn’t push him to change the timeline - I wanted to do this with someone who was just as in it as I was, that wanted it as much as I did - but it’s fair to assess if the timeline he’s on works for you, and if not, if you’re better off finding someone else who is more aligned to what you want - marriage/kids/how to raise the kids/etc.

It’s hard when you’re in it

Is he the type to keep putting things off? I think like a lot of people ,he feels hes got all the time in the world.However he just doesnt want to take the plunge does he? Did he have a difficult upbringing. I think you will have to say look its now or never.If he cares about you this may shock him! Keeping moving Goalposts isnt fair on you .

Please don't waste your years in this man. You are describing the exact relationship of several women I know. All strung along for years with the promise of babies "after this next holiday" "Oh I don't believe in marriage"

All very selfish men who just wouldn't bear to grow up.

In the same way that you were looking at the lower end of his timeframe, he was probably looking at the higher end - so if he thought you were 28 and said 30-31 he's probably thinking 3 years rather than 2. Another 3 years when you've been together for 10 years! Sorry but that would be a no from me.

You spent your 20s together.
You had a great time as a childfree couple.
But
You are ready fir next stage.
He is not.
Gently tell him this is it . Now.
And if you need to close this chapter so be it.
You ve had a wonderful time.
But you want the next chapter.

Go away for a weekend with friends or family without him and let him think about it.

If he is selfish and "wants to be selfish"
He may not be ready to have baby
or not with you.

Tge next chapter may need to be with someone else