Desperate for a baby

[Becky131992]

Hi there, new to this and I'm really struggling.
I am DESPERATE to try for a baby. When I say my heart aches, it's an understatement. I'm at the age now where my friends are falling pregnant and whilst I'm happy for them this is tinged with sadness.

So I'm 29 and my boyfriend is 32. We have been together over 10 years. No ring, but that's a whole other story...

We have lived together for three years. We are very happy, we have a good laugh together, still fancy each other and are best friends.
However, this is pushing us apart. I wanted to start trying a few months ago and he wants to wait another couple of years. I honestly don't think I can. I have tried very hard to make him realise its the right time (I know i shouldnt be pressuring him but I can't help it). I've even sent him graphs and age related statistics.. But even if there was no such thing as a biological clock I'd still want to start trying now.

I don't know what to do, I don't want to leave him. How do I make myself wait?

As a side note, I also work with babies and children and this doesn't help. Also everyone in my life keeps asking me when we will have children. I know he definitely wants them which is a bonus, but he thinks we have plenty of time and wants to carry on being selfish for now.

Or with him but risk of splitting and Co parenting

He doesn't even know your age?!

* Personally I don’t know of any guys that had kids in their 30’s, all too busy trying to get themselves established at work. I’m sure plenty must exist, I just don’t know any so personally don’t find it unusual that a 30yo man doesn’t want kids at that point. *

Really? So I guess they all have children with much younger women then?

I would say it’s unusual to have a first child in your late 30’s/ 40’s- male or female. Most I know start late 20’s or age 30.

@WelliesWithHeels

He doesn't even know your age?!

I thought this.

I had a similar situation. I think when you get together very very young then this can happen. You have all the time in the world, loads to do and experience and then there can be a bit of gear change that it’s time to get married and have kids, if that’s what’s you both want.

In my case we got together at ages 18/19 at uni, completed uni, went travelling, came back and did further education, living together in various shared accom or with parents, then eventually we’d both qualified into what we wanted to do, rented our own nice place in a new town that we wanted to live in, and obviously next should come a proposal…. Well I waited and nothing was happening. Discussed it a few times and was told not yet etc, it was a difficult time for us. Anyway I just thought I only get one life and I don’t want to be in limbo waiting for this man, if after this amount of time he doesn’t want to get married then I need to go. Gave him a bit of an ultimatum, which was not my idea of dream romance, but what did I have to lose at that point? He proposed within six months and we were married six months later, I was 27 at that point. Had to do a slightly similar thing when I wanted to start trying for children, again he just needed a kick up the arse, he’s a cautious person anyway, but i had my 1st at 30 and 2nd at 34. We have always, since getting married, been blissfully happy pretty much. We are now in our 40s.

Those of our friend couples who met very early in life followed similar patterns. Those who met later tended to get engaged/have babies much more quickly.

Essentially, I think you have to set out your own stall now. You were kids when you met and it does sometimes take a minute to transition out of that, but now you want to get married and have children. Does he? If not, then walk away and find someone who does. Don’t “choose him” because you aren’t happy with the status quo and it’s not enough. If he says he does then be honest about your time line. You want a wedding within x amount of time or you wish each other well and both try and find what you want elsewhere. Be brave and bold. At the moment he’s calling all the shots which would be fine if you were happy with it, but you aren’t. Go and get what you want.

There's hundred of these threads, it seems most women hang around til their late thirties on the promise of their husbands trying for a baby, then their husbands go 'Nah, not for me' and they have quite deliberately stopped you from ever having children. it's utterly vile of them to string you along on such a personal massive thing for you,

Please start making steps to having a child if you want one.
Men can have children pretty much at any age - women don't have that luxury.

I hate to say it but he doesn't love you or put your needs equal to his.

Talk to him and get prepared to leave, that's the only thing you can do in this situation

This sounds awful OP.

I guess what would worry me is, if you agree to wait 2 years and then it comes around, and he decides he still wants to wait another 2 years? What then? You will have wasted 2 years. To me it sounds like he doesn't have any commitment to a timeline, and saying 2 years time is just a way to placate you for now.

@WelliesWithHeels

He doesn't even know your age?!

Haha he does, we have been planning my 30th. I think maybe because I went ooh thats not that bad he panicked!

This was the same scenario I was in two years ago, however we were already married but DH wanted to wait and have more time the two of us, before we had a baby.

From my experience, asking and asking only makes some men more stubborn and will cause resentment between you. If you want to stay with him then I would have one final discussion where you say that you feel you can't continue the relationship with this possibility hanging over you that he might not ever want kids. Ask him his reasons (eg money - can you make sure you have some savings over the next year) or if it's independence then say that by the time you've got pregnant and had the baby it'll be nearly a year anyway.

Give him a deadline on it, and if he's not willing to compromise then it would be better to move on and find someone who wants the same things as you xx

I'll be honest, I didn't know there were financial issues when having a baby unmarried?!
I know lots of unmarried couples who have kids.
I do feel i have to put myself first a bit, im not being unreasonable am I? I've waited a long time. In regards to the chores question I do most of them, he does the DIY etc (very stereotypical)
Good to read some of the more positive stories but theres is a definite 'get what you want or leave' going on...
When we were kids we were dating for quite a lot time before we were 'Facebook official' lol.. He doesn't do things lightly, he thinks for a long time, he's very logical. We have been overpaying the mortgage as we want to maybe move again in a couple of years. He thinks a bigger house would be better for babies even though it's plenty big enough (another barrier)
Hes scared of giving up the freedom I think that comes with having a child. He has friends who have had kids and obviously he doesn't see them as much now. I have explained its probably because they want to be with their baby.
Hes not a party animal or anything, he literally has his friends (they are my friends too) over for a takeaway and to watch the football.
Ive explained that this wouldn't change.
I feel sick at the thoughr of leaving, where would I even go. I wouldn't want to hurt him either. I sound like a mug.

I have quite a few friends who issued ultimatums around the time they turned 30: marriage and / or baby or we are done. I'm not saying this is the best way or ideal situation, but the majority are now married and ttc or pregnant/have a baby. Only a couple actually split. It must be really hard not being on the same page about such important issues- I reckon deep down you need to decide if he's worth potentially never having kids or marriage? Because as pp have said, what if he's never ready? But that must be really tough after 10 years.

@Theraindropss

* Personally I don’t know of any guys that had kids in their 30’s, all too busy trying to get themselves established at work. I’m sure plenty must exist, I just don’t know any so personally don’t find it unusual that a 30yo man doesn’t want kids at that point. *

Really? So I guess they all have children with much younger women then?

I would say it’s unusual to have a first child in your late 30’s/ 40’s- male or female. Most I know start late 20’s or age 30.

That's largely down to the socio-economic class of the people you know, though. Women having children in their late 30s or 40s are far more likely to be professionals, for instance. I had DS when I was 39 and I was the third youngest in my NCT group of 8 first-timers in north London. On the other hand, I was closer in age to the grandmothers-to-be waiting with their pregnant daughters in the midwife waiting room of my GP surgery, which had a catchment that included a lot of recent immigrant communities.

Most people I know who had children at all, had them in their late 30s or early 40s.

What does he want to do before having a baby? Does he have a specific goal in mind?

Whether he changes his mind or not the best thing to do is start building a good life outside of the relationship. Maybe go on holiday with a friend or don’t ask him about a big purchase. If it all works out you’ll have him plus friends and family but if it goes wrong at least you’ve go other things and people to get you through.

He's stringing you along, honestly. He wants kids or marriage but just not with you. Get out and find a man who does want what you want.

I knew a colleague who told me a similar story (but more re marriage) with her SO, she was with him a few years waiting around for a proposal. Eventually he did it after I think 6-7 years but if it were me, I'm not sure I'd wait that long! She was desperate to get married but also hated the dating app/websites scenarios of meeting men so didn't want to try again.

I agree with TorchFire, it is very much down to class. I had my first at 32 and that actually felt quit young, with most of our friends who are professionals having waited a few more years, where as those who were in non-professional roles, or people who I went to school with who would be regarded as working class, having had children from teens to late twenties.

It can be different though, I have one friend who had her first child whilst we were doing our A-Levels, she then studied law whilst she had a baby (how she managed that I will never know) and is now a highly successful barrister in her late thirties with a daughter who has graduated with a law degree last summer.

@RavenclawsRoar

I have quite a few friends who issued ultimatums around the time they turned 30: marriage and / or baby or we are done. I'm not saying this is the best way or ideal situation, but the majority are now married and ttc or pregnant/have a baby. Only a couple actually split. It must be really hard not being on the same page about such important issues- I reckon deep down you need to decide if he's worth potentially never having kids or marriage? Because as pp have said, what if he's never ready? But that must be really tough after 10 years.

Why do you need to abdicate on having children if the (current partner won't agree). There is always an option to go at it alone (as I've done and many other women). The marriage bit is a different matter.

Fwiw, I'm not a 'professional', I have just a job rather than a career and will be just shy of 40 before I give birth. I don't for into the middle class phenomenon of having children late, I just wasted too much time on pointless relationships but I'd agree on the whole there seems to be a socioeconomic trend for when marriages/babies happen.

Why does everything have to be about class on here 🤦🏼‍♀️

I just knew some posters would make thinly veiled digs at OP for wanting a baby at gasp nearly 30, which is why I said in my first comment not to pay attention to it.

Nature doesn’t care about class or money or anything. Look at the number of posts in the last few days from desperate women who admit they left it too late, and they have deep regrets.

OP’s partner not wanting children is a completely valid choice, but not wanting them at 32 after a decade together?! I hate the gaslighty shit that makes women think that asking for commitment from a man in his thirties is akin to tying down an 18 year old or something.

Do you have good job with good maternity benefits?
Can you between you cover full time nursery or nanny fees?

Assume you will carry on working.

Just tell him frankly
You want a family now
And if it s not his agenda you need to nicely separate
Be prepared to go it alone if needs be

What do you want more?

A child?

Or him as a life partner? Potentially without children in the picture.

I have no idea what my class is, I have a relatively good job though I'm a nurse and have a masters. Im finding it crazy that people think that I'm young for thinking about children at 29?

We have a supportive family, nhs maternity pay isn't too bad. I'll go back probably 4 days rather than 5.
Life without being a mother is not something I can compromise on.

In fairness, he says that too, he can't see a life without children. He wants to be a dad. Just not yet.

Sorry op but it sounds like time to call it a day and focus on moving forward alone or with someone else.

His excuses are utter shit. So after ten years, a 3 bed house and lots of travel and presumably good jobs to be in the position you are he still says no because:

He thinks you should be in your thirties (until he panicked when he realised how close that is)
He thinks you need a house bigger than 3 bedrooms for one child?!

I was wondering what he actually wants to do with the time? Where does he see himself going and what does he want to do. I would personally feel that it was more convincing if he was telling you that he wanted to do X Y and Z before kids than just what seems like a random number which is just another way of saying "later".

fairness, he says that too, he can't see a life without children. He wants to be a dad. Just not yet.

Spell it out
As a,female
You need/want to try now
You don't know if there will be issues

He has to decide is he going to take the leap eith you
Or not?

He sounds just like my DH and I disagree he’s probably stringing you along or doesn’t really love you. He’s just had years and years to think about marriage and children and now it’s here and despite all that time he’s not quite ready. He’s cautious, logical, a planner, would always rather take a(nother) minute to think rather than get on and do it. That’s OK and those qualities will probably serve you both really well in years to come. You just need to have the dynamism to sort it out now. You sound just a bit passive at the moment? I’m sure he loves you very much and doesn’t think (or doesn’t want to think ) that you are really serious at the moment. Show him you are.