How do you afford life? budgeting advice please

[HopelesslyHopeful87]

Just want to start by saying this is by no means a pity party, scrounging for money kind of thing. I'm not here begging. I just want a rant about being skint all the time and some advice on how to budget and manage your income and outgoings. It just feels like I'm always scrimping and scraping and then October comes round, the reality of Xmas hits me and I panic massively about how we're going to afford it.

DP works full time and we're topped up with some UC. I'm a SAHM. We have 7 kids between us. He has 3 from previous relationship, I have 3 from previous and we have one together therefore we have a lot of birthdays across the year and Xmas is expensive every year. Our DS together is only 7 weeks old. The past 2 years have been hard. On paper, we probably couldn't have afforded a baby together but in 2020 (when we could afford it) we lost our daughter at 19weeks of pregnancy and we so desperately wanted a baby. The emotions and the grief took over the practical financial side. So here we are.

We start each year with good intentions and start saving. Then something will break or need replacing and we have to dip into the savings and before we know it we have nothing left for the Xmas pot. This year was the car. It was too expensive and not worth repairing so we had to replace.

I just don't know how we're going to manage this year. We seem to have nothing left at the end of every month at the moment. UC is being cut back this month as the covid top up ends. The gas and electricity has gone up. Everything seems more expensive. We already shop frugally in lidl or aldi. Kids have cheap primark or supermarket clothes/uniform. We've already moved from a 2 car family to one. DP bikes to work to save fuel.

Can I ask how you all budget and manage your money? We're going wrong somewhere and I need to get a handle on our spending. Our money comes in at different points across the month which makes it harder to manage. DP wages are gone within a week of payday on household bills and the UC/CB goes on food shopping, a few more bills and fuel for the month.

I need an accountant 😭

It seems you are doing everything right already OP. My only advice would be to try and reduce bills wherever you can and to consider getting a job once your baby is a few months old.

I would have loved to be a SAHM but it wasn't do able financially.

I have used MSEs budget planner for years. When it came offline due to GDPR I downloaded it, it retains it interactivty, links etc.

I have a few versions of it, depending on what I am trying to sort out. But the main one is exhaustive. You have to be very, very honest about the every day pennies, I found that made a huge difference.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/budget-planning/

[quote ssd]@Autumndays123. How about reading the op's posts before putting the boot in.[/quote]
What have I misread?

There's loads of SAHMs who cant afford to work.

@ssd

There's loads of SAHMs who cant afford to work.

There is help in place specifically for women to return to work with young children. OP qualifies for UC and therefore would qualify for help with childcare costs. No reason whatsoever why OP shouldn't be looking for a job to support the children she decided to bring into the world

Thanks to everyone that has suggested things I can do. Like I said a lot of it comes down to those extra itty bitty trips to shops and takeaways and I know we can be more disciplined and cut back on that. I will look through MSE and look up some suggestions made.

Those of you who assume my kids are poverty stricken Jeremy Kyle rejects who are undernourished and live on crap then you're very mistaken. I go without to make sure they do not. I can't remember the last time I went to the hairdressers or spent money on myself. It goes on them and they don't go without day to day stuff.

We do it by both working full time. Not high wages (one minimum wage and one a little higher). But two incomes gives two tax free allowances.

And we decided we couldn't afford a child together. I had two from a previous relationship, he has none. But another child wouldn't be in our means so we don't have one together.

OP, if its any consolation even those of us who are a bit better off than you are seeing the money disappearing at an alarming rate at the moment. I have cut out the top up shop altogether now, and just do one shop a week, if I need anything extra I ask DH to get it, he can be relied upon to come out of Tesco with just a cauliflower.
Spreadsheets - Yes! I include a monthly amount for everything, including birthdays, and Christmas and put this aside to be sure I have enough. I transfer the money over on the day after pay day so I can't spend it.I work in a team with a total of 34 women, we all brag about our bargain clothes shopping on ebay and in charity shops.
I do think, along with most of the other posters, that you need some extra income though. Once your baby is a bit bigger and you are feeling better I'm sure there would be some way you could do a small amount of work which would make a huge difference. Here I have some members of staff who work just 12 hours a week, but they are so useful in covering times that are difficult for other people. In our local town I've noticed the estate agents all seem to be looking for Saturday Staff, which is something you might consider later on?

While your littlest is so small I would look at training now to support your family / make life more comfortable in a few years. It’s always going to tough to support so many children but you are clearly bright and can apply yourself to your chosen training path to work towards.

Sorry, missed a page!

If you've got the budget, seen the leak points make sure you follow the advice that's built into the spreadsheet.

And then sit down with pencil and paper in a quite moment and start making lists:

Stuff that can be cancelled
Stuff that can be sold
Stuff that can be upcycled, repurposed
Places you can buy cheaper, second hand, stuff that's a project - get the kids involved if possible.

And then all the other more direct financial support: like benefit checker

Please don't assume you can get a food bank parcel, most of us have specific referral criteria and referral partners. BUT, if you do find yourself feeling like Old Mother Hubbard, do visit your nearest food bank and get their advice. The one I am at would give you a basics bag to tide you over - and a good look at the Help Yourself Shelf.

Yes I would qualify for some help towards childcare but what a lot of people fail to realise is that you have to pay the first month's nursery fees upfront before they consider helping towards the costs and that would be unattainable as I don't have hundreds just sitting there to pay nursery a month in advance. There is no help available for that part of it. I'm not using that as an excuse, just explaining that to you as I am aware of how UC works.

I would check if your council runs a Future Bright scheme. They offer grants to help people back into work, if you meet their criteria then they may fund a new laptop for you.

Using your local Children's Centre will get you a referral to a food bank as well as often having drop offs of food from places like FareShare for people to take.

FareShare also work with local third sector groups to offer large bags of shopping for around £3. It can be a bit random but can often provide a good few meals.

You've made some pretty poor life decisions so far and now you and your partner have more children than you can realistically afford. You need to focus on what you can do now and just accept that you've made your life harder so you're going to have a rough few years.

Get a job as soon as possible. Any job that will fit in with your partner's work hours. Do this as a priority. This is the only thing that will get you out of this mess, unless you have a lottery win.

If you're too unwell to work, you'll need to see if your partner can get a part time job and pay rises to make up for you not working. He'll be knackered working all hours but you need more money coming in.

Contact social services and Home Start to get some practical support - if you're unable to do any kind of work then I'm guessing you're struggling to look after the baby and 4 year old on your own when your partner is at work. Home Start could send a volunteer round for a few hours per week to help you out a bit.

What did you do before you went off to have your baby? Why can’t you go back to that?

I think realistically, the only way you will be more comfortable while supporting 7 children is for you to also work OP. While I know you are not responsible for your step children, your partner is and this will
Impact your income as a family.

You’ve only just had a baby though, so I think it’s more about a longer term plan than an immediate plan.

Obviously there are ways to save money as lots of people have given tips on, but to truly have more disposable income, I think you will need to wait until you are in a better position to work.

Work on getting support for your mental health at the moment and enjoy the time with your baby until it’s more feasible for you to work.

In your shoes, I would be planning for the next 12-24 months - what work could you realistically do that would ensure you were financially better off as a family?

Could you think about studying while you are off - maybe not right now as you’ve got a very small baby, but say from January 2022, are there any access to work / vocational courses you could look at. It might mean some evening study once the kids are in bed but it might help you work towards going back to work.

Or even consider what you could do once your youngest is entitled to free childcare - I’m in Scotland so not sure what free childcare is available in England.

No judgement from me here about you being a SAHM btw. But I think realistically it’s the only way you will change your lifestyle. But I don’t think it’s something you need to rush to do, I think it’s more of a longer term plan.

My DH and I both work F/T. We aren’t on huge salaries but our combined income is over £100k - I don’t say this to brag but to highlight that it is only since our 2 DC have started school, and our childcare costs have come down, that we’ve been more comfortable. Working from home has also helped further as our DC are old enough now that they can be at home with us after school too. We certainly were not poor before but with our mortgage and childcare costs we also had to be mindful about money. If we were financially responsible for 7 children we would really struggle, even on our full time salaries. Obviously what one persons struggle is different to another’s, it’s very subjective, but we certainly wouldn’t have any / much disposable income.

For things like Xmas. I have a friend who relies on benefits and she buys her gifts throughout the year

I'm a firm believer that in this day and age there is absolutely no need to keep churning children out. I'm not sure if there's some big backstory here but I would never, ever actively bring a child into the world whilst relying on benefits. It's really not acceptable behaviour.

I hope that made you feel better. It has absolutely no value for OP though. It' sjust judement for judgement's sake!

And you REALLY have no idea what OPs kids are fed. You are sol high up on that horse you haven't even managed to process the fact that 3 of the 7 kids live with their mum as their primary residence.

Disposable nappies? Get some second hand cotton nappies, a big bucket, nappy steriliser, washing line and pegs.

If one works by day, the other can pick up some evening/weekend work ( kitchen, cleaning, shelf stacking).

Seven kids means plenty of clothes to hand down to younger sibs.

Wear more clothes, turn the heating down.

Kids can change out of school clothes the minute they come home, to keep the uniforms relatively clean/smart and reduce washing. Wear old clothes for play.

I do agree that the only long term solution is that you need a job. You should look for something that you can do around your partners hours and then you won’t have childcare to pay for.

I'm not sure if there's some big backstory here but I would never, ever actively bring a child into the world whilst relying on benefits.

The OP said that they were in a better position financially when they planned the pregnancy, but then it ended in a bereavement and the OP wasn't in a fit place to work since then. She acknowledged that having her youngest child since then was a heart over head decision but you'd have to be pretty cold not to understand why she wanted to do that.

if you have one income, low enough for UC and seven children to feed, their nutritional needs are not being met. It is not possible.

The OP has said several times now that 3 of the children do not live with them.

Were you working when you applied for your IVA? Have you informed your IP that your circumstances have changed? It sounds as though the £90pcm you're paying is no longer affordable and they should be reviewing whether it's still the most suitable option for you.

@HopelesslyHopeful87

Yes I would qualify for some help towards childcare but what a lot of people fail to realise is that you have to pay the first month's nursery fees upfront before they consider helping towards the costs and that would be unattainable as I don't have hundreds just sitting there to pay nursery a month in advance. There is no help available for that part of it. I'm not using that as an excuse, just explaining that to you as I am aware of how UC works.

I'm sorry but this is an excuse. Will you just never ever find work now then because you have to pay a months fees upfront? If you don't want to work just own it

@CuriousaboutSamphire

I'm a firm believer that in this day and age there is absolutely no need to keep churning children out. I'm not sure if there's some big backstory here but I would never, ever actively bring a child into the world whilst relying on benefits. It's really not acceptable behaviour.

I hope that made you feel better. It has absolutely no value for OP though. It' sjust judement for judgement's sake!

And you REALLY have no idea what OPs kids are fed. You are sol high up on that horse you haven't even managed to process the fact that 3 of the 7 kids live with their mum as their primary residence.

And presumably the father has his kids 50% of the time like any other self respecting parent?

I don't think you're going wrong anywhere, OP. There likely just isn't enough money to stretch to everything on one fairly low salary and UC. Especially now gas and electricity prices are through the roof and probably just going to get worse.

When you did the MSE budget planner, did you make sure to fill in things like haircuts, car maintenance, boiler repairs/servicing, Christmas, birthdays, uniforms, school trips, etc.? The things that aren't necessarily monthly/regular but still need to come out of your budget somewhere? If your budget only just stretches to the true monthly stuff then you're going to come out badly when you add in all the irregular stuff that needs to be paid for from somewhere.

Unless your DH is a very high earner, I can't see how you can have money left over after all that is accounted for with four kids living at home and three others out of the home It might just be a case of trying to muddle through as best as you can until you're able to get back to work - maybe when you get some free childcare hours or find a way to work evenings/weekends or something when your DH is home.

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings

I'm not sure if there's some big backstory here but I would never, ever actively bring a child into the world whilst relying on benefits.

The OP said that they were in a better position financially when they planned the pregnancy, but then it ended in a bereavement and the OP wasn't in a fit place to work since then. She acknowledged that having her youngest child since then was a heart over head decision but you'd have to be pretty cold not to understand why she wanted to do that.

if you have one income, low enough for UC and seven children to feed, their nutritional needs are not being met. It is not possible.

The OP has said several times now that 3 of the children do not live with them.

But that is OPs own decision! It's incredibly sad that she lost a pregnancy at 19 weeks, but to then say she can't work because she's grieving and must have another child is her own life decision. She actively chose to bring another child into the world whilst not working and claiming benefits. That's her decision

I recommend following Kate Kaden on YouTube. She's all about budgeting and making frugal living fun. She's lovely and has some great tips and advice.