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Original poster

Ds11 has rages and calls me a ‘fucking moron’

205 replies

Lavenderpillow · 25/09/2021 10:39

Had another one this morning. Was discussing with him using some of his birthday money towards a computer game he wants. You would think that would be a calm discussion. I was drying my hair while we were talking and he got agitated and came over and turned the hair dryer off and accused me of ‘cutting him off’. I explained I was still listening and just needed to dry my cold, wet hair! He started ranting about sharing the computer game with his dad who sometimes plays it too, and I said he should just discuss it with his dad then. I could see he was getting really worked up and suggested we have a 15 minute time out so he could calm down and stop ranting. He went into his room and I saw he hadn’t eaten his breakfast so I told him to eat it. He then kicked either the balloon or the breakfast (which were next to each other) and the breakfast exploded everywhere. He then started shouting at me and I said we need a time out for an hour or so and he screamed and called me a fucking moron.

I told him he was to stay in his room all morning, clean everything up and that he had really upset me.

The rest of the time he is a really loving boy. I don’t get why he has these horrible rages and turns into a monster.

I feel really upset this morning and don’t know how to handle it.

OP posts:
Cornettoninja · 25/09/2021 18:46

@LukeEvansWife I think you’re projecting massively here. We’re not talking about a man, we’re talking about an 11 year old boy.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 25/09/2021 18:47

Given how her son reacted, how do you honestly think "no, let's talk later" would've gone down?

You might be surprised. It's plain and clear and as long as you set an explicit time in the near future (so not just "later" but "in 15 minutes" or "as soon as my hair is dry") and you stick to it, it can work very well indeed. Much better than paying half-attention and deflecting.

Some of us have had to raise children who can talk themselves into explosions, and we know how to talk them down Smile

LukeEvansWife · 25/09/2021 18:48

[quote Cornettoninja]@LukeEvansWife I think you’re projecting massively here. We’re not talking about a man, we’re talking about an 11 year old boy.[/quote]
Yes who is currently learning it's okay to kick off and swear at people. Someone who is potentially going to be tall and strong. He's a child and needs to learn not to be aggressiven

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

11 year olds Families
MrsTerryPratchett · 25/09/2021 18:48

That's great - so if a man explodes in temper and breaks things, he's not getting his needs met? Fucking hell.

Yes. Bluntly. The difference is I have no responsibility to meet an adult man's needs. None, he does. And he needs to learn that his 'needs' may not be his 'wants'. Again, absolutely nothing to do with me. But my 11 yo, I do have to meet his needs.

BTW I don't think the need is 'to talk about FIFA'. I think the need is attention and ownership. Both extremely important in developing children.

Cornettoninja · 25/09/2021 18:55

How is he learning it’s okay @LukeEvansWife? Is he not going to be punished for his behaviour?

Prevention is better than cure, if you want to teach someone to control their emotions and temper then you need to teach them how to pick up and respect cues that lead them to realistic expectations of others. If he was already aware of and respected those he wouldn’t have been frustrated and ready to pop in the first place.

Octagoneaway · 25/09/2021 18:55

Hmmm, am on the fence in this. His behaviour was unacceptable, totally agreed, but…

I have 2 teen boys, one of them would have behaved like this more than the other, ie: fly off the handle, struggling to contain emotions, and generally he’s the calmer of the 2 (neither of them are aggressive or violent). But when hungry, he struggles. He’s now 16 and I’m much better and more confident of nipping it in the bud early with an “eat, now” instruction. I know officially, low blood sugar isn’t a thing, but I can feel stressed and unreasonable when hungry, and so does he and he’s still learning! With my help!

So whilst I’d be making it clear the shouting wasn’t ok, I’d have said “go, eat breakfast, then we’ll discuss”

LukeEvansWife · 25/09/2021 19:00

Ah yes just seen he had to stay in his room all morning - does he have devices there perchance?

EYProvider · 25/09/2021 19:14

Those computer games are bad news all round. They cause nothing but strife and arguments.

I threw my oldest son’s games console in the bin when he was about this age following a similar outburst. Best thing I ever did, though I expect I’d have social services or the police on my back if I did it today for causing distress.

Stay strong, OP. They are horrible at this age but luckily they grow out of it eventually. In another 10 years or so, lol.

dogmandu · 25/09/2021 19:16

^@Theythinkitsalloveritisnow

But how does the child learn how to cope when he feels people aren't listening to him and treating him with respect (which is pretty much in the eye of the beholder really). Because it will happen, probably a lot. People often don't think your need to feel respected is paramount.

I think an important lesson for children is to accept that they are not the centre of the universe and they need to learn to deal with frustration without losing it.^
I had a problem with my son when he was small just having a rage out of the blue. this was before he could explain things properly. When I thought he could understand I said to him, 'when you feel angry just try to tell mummy what's wrong. As time went on he was able to do this and I realised that he thought on occasion he had been unjustly treated, It was a lesson to me to talk to him calmly and try to see why he was upset. It saved a lot of tears in the long run. I think listening to them is key and as time went on explaining why my decisions were as they were . I also understood where he was coming from.. I just don't believe in the 'just shut up and do what you are told' line of approach.

LukeEvansWife · 25/09/2021 19:24

They also have to learn that shit happens. If they go out into the world and feel frustrated, then people aren't going to sit down with him and talk to him about how he can tell them why he feels frustrated etc.

It's a nice thought but now how it works

DeeCeeCherry · 25/09/2021 19:37

StellaCinnamon
The amount of utter pandering on this forum drives me mental. Sometimes it is ok for a fucking 11 year old not to be the centre of their mother’s world while she’s drying her hair

Exactly. So male-centred, always.

When he's bigger and stronger than Mum, then what?

Anyway there'd be no more gaming for now, thats for sure. Its shit for the mindset and attitude. I wonder what type of games he plays.

Even using the phrase 'fucking moron'. So nasty. Get lost with that I'd not take that from man or boy there'd be consequences. Get him to anger management too.

Bollindger · 25/09/2021 19:37

He started ranting about sharing the computer game with his dad who sometimes plays it too, and I said he should just discuss it with his dad then.

Did you actually read this.
He told her his problem, OP gave a very good response. Child got crosser because he couldn't wait to speak to his Dad. So he took his anger out on his Mum.

This is not the OP's fault, her son was 100% in the wrong, because he didn't like the answer he got.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/09/2021 19:41

Exactly. So male-centred, always.

No. I'm a bloody feminist who is constantly accused of being a feminazi, man-hating harridan. An 11 yo is a child. Part of being a feminist is surely protecting both women AND children from male violence and abuse.

I asked if dad is dismissive because this is a parenting issue not a mother issue.

A small amount of focused attention is better for the child and the parent than a large amount of unfocused.

LukeEvansWife · 25/09/2021 19:44

@MrsTerryPratchett

Exactly. So male-centred, always.

No. I'm a bloody feminist who is constantly accused of being a feminazi, man-hating harridan. An 11 yo is a child. Part of being a feminist is surely protecting both women AND children from male violence and abuse.

I asked if dad is dismissive because this is a parenting issue not a mother issue.

A small amount of focused attention is better for the child and the parent than a large amount of unfocused.

A child who has to understand that he can't throw a tantrum because mummy won't give him 100% of her attention when he's talking about a computer game
dogmandu · 25/09/2021 19:45

^@lukeevanswife
They also have to learn that shit happens.^

That is so true and should be part of the conversation process. Age appropriate of course, It opens up a whole new area of discussion and is very interesting sometimes to hear their point of view.

LukeEvansWife · 25/09/2021 19:49

Well I'm sure now he apologised, it's all fine and that OP has learnt her lesson about daring to treat him so badly

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/09/2021 19:49

A child who has to understand that he can't throw a tantrum because mummy won't give him 100% of her attention when he's talking about a computer game

Jaws isn't about a shark.

This isn't about a computer game. It's about the child wanting to buy something and for it to be his. Pride in ownership, a sense of agency, power. All that is actually important. It's not a stretch to see that a child requesting power and ownership in a heathy way (buying something he wants with his money for him) gets frustrated and exercises power in an unhealthy way (shouting and kicking).

Teaching a guiding and modelling, not punishing into submission.

I guarantee more male violence in boys raised with punishing and repeating parents than those with pandering ones.

dogmandu · 25/09/2021 19:51

A child who has to understand that he can't throw a tantrum because mummy won't give him 100% of her attention when he's talking about a computer game

but the issue wasn't the computer game as such,it was having to share something that he had bought with his saving, thus having to share ownership of something that was his.Just making it about getting a computer game is blurring the real issue and that's not why he was angry,

Cornettoninja · 25/09/2021 19:52

It's a nice thought but now how it works

I agree. Which is why it’s important for parents to really think about their child’s behaviour, it’s causes and what they can do to teach them at home.

He’s a child. The choice is to live with him being volatile and punishing him until he gets it himself (which may or may not happen before he’s almost an adult if at all) or consider the bigger picture and speed things along by communicating clear boundaries early in situations you have experience of setting him off. If that means changing your behaviour then so be it. Not being assertive about your own needs and allowing a situation to escalate isn’t teaching children anything.

LukeEvansWife · 25/09/2021 19:54

That's fine - hopefully he will have had the relevant behaviour 'modelled' enough by the time he is old enough to do some real damage.

LukeEvansWife · 25/09/2021 19:55

@dogmandu

A child who has to understand that he can't throw a tantrum because mummy won't give him 100% of her attention when he's talking about a computer game

but the issue wasn't the computer game as such,it was having to share something that he had bought with his saving, thus having to share ownership of something that was his.Just making it about getting a computer game is blurring the real issue and that's not why he was angry,

And it was a conversation to have with his dad. Not to call his mother a fucking moron
Eastie77Returns · 25/09/2021 19:57

I cannot believe people are making excuses for this 11 year old’s horrendous behaviour but then again this is MN. Truly an alternative universe.

I don’t give a shiny shit if the OP was ignoring him (which she wasn’t!), how can it possibly be ‘understandable’ for a child to call his mother a fucking moron? I honestly fear for some of the ‘parents’ on this forum. Jesus wept.

I see this kind of BS every day with children at my DC’s school. Screaming and shouting demands at their wishy washy parents who probably practice ‘gentle parenting’ or some such shite and explain away their child’s appalling behaviour with claptrap about their need for self expression. And I wouldn’t care except these awful children turn into the terrible, entitled adults we all have to deal with.

If my child uttered those words to me, or anyone else, it would be the last thing he did that day. Buying a computer game? Yeah, that would be not be happening.

DragonDoor · 25/09/2021 19:58

I wonder if the 11year old was female would some of the responses here be different. Some posters have made specific negative references to the child’s sex which is a little odd if they claim to be feminists. It sounds anti men, which is not what feminism is.

It’s a positive thing for young males to develop emotional intelligence, this can be reinforced by parents who seek to teach a child to develop self awareness, in addition to setting boundaries.

Taking a discipline focused approach only, especially with older children and teens, can lead to low self esteem and a lack of ability to self regulate their behaviour. Which would be the opposite of what anyone would want to see in young men as they grow up…

DragonDoor · 25/09/2021 20:00

There is a big difference between ‘ gentle parenting’ and no parenting. Children need boundaries.

LukeEvansWife · 25/09/2021 20:01

It's not anti men. It's anti VIOLENT men.