Ds11 has rages and calls me a ‘fucking moron’

[Lavenderpillow]

Had another one this morning. Was discussing with him using some of his birthday money towards a computer game he wants. You would think that would be a calm discussion. I was drying my hair while we were talking and he got agitated and came over and turned the hair dryer off and accused me of ‘cutting him off’. I explained I was still listening and just needed to dry my cold, wet hair! He started ranting about sharing the computer game with his dad who sometimes plays it too, and I said he should just discuss it with his dad then. I could see he was getting really worked up and suggested we have a 15 minute time out so he could calm down and stop ranting. He went into his room and I saw he hadn’t eaten his breakfast so I told him to eat it. He then kicked either the balloon or the breakfast (which were next to each other) and the breakfast exploded everywhere. He then started shouting at me and I said we need a time out for an hour or so and he screamed and called me a fucking moron.

I told him he was to stay in his room all morning, clean everything up and that he had really upset me.

The rest of the time he is a really loving boy. I don’t get why he has these horrible rages and turns into a monster.

I feel really upset this morning and don’t know how to handle it.

The over explanation and analysis of some here, explains why boys grow up thinking it is acceptable to be aggressive

I don’t think any of the analysis has been gender specific? Are girls immune to outbursts? I also haven’t seen anything saying the aggression was acceptable?

If you’re living with a child prone to outbursts it’s probably healthier for everyone involved to look into why that is. In this case there’s an obvious trigger in that essentially OP was pretty dismissive and rude (I know you didn’t mean to be OP, I think you were trying to multitask). Her ds is 11 and clearly isn’t equipped to deal with his mother behaving like that towards him.

If you were holding a conversation with your boss and they randomly started singing you’d probably be annoyed but have enough life experience to know that you can’t do much about it because of the power imbalance. An aggressive reaction after that point would quite rightly get you sacked but isn’t it better to equip a child with the tools to avoid getting to that point? i.e be clear about when you are and aren’t available for a focussed conversation to give them the experience and tools to apply in other areas of life.

Make sure the poor baby gets his computer game and then when he wants to speak, drop everything to give him 100% of your attention.

Wonder if op will come back. If so op you need practical solutions.

When did the aggressive behaviour and rages start? Is there anything behind that?

Have you spoken to his teacher and seen how he behaves in school and around other people?

Could it be worth asking teachers/gp advice on how to get him help for his violent outbursts before they become very serious.

And also yes to punishment. No he should not be bought the game tonight and should have his games confiscated for a time and be made to clean the mess.

@LukeEvansWife

He's the victim then. Brilliant. Poor little boy, not getting his mummy's attention about a computer game.

Don’t be so silly.

Almost everyone had excused the behaviour by saying that OP wasn't giving him full attention, was dismissive etc. They were talking about a computer game, not the meaning of life

Is there a background to this though? Does OP routinely carry on with other tasks while her DS is trying to talk to her? Does she routinely prevaricate on simple decisions? Routinely interrupt him when he’s clearly upset and they haven’t finished their original discussion to tell him to start some other unrelated task NOW? Frustration builds up. Soon he’ll just go his own way and not bother talking to her at all. She’ll have lost all her power over him then.

It seems to me that you were actually irritated by him wanting to talk to you while you were frying your hair. Can you, hand on heart, say that every word you said to him, including telling him to eat his breakfast, was said calmly and without irritation? He picked up on your irritation, which made him anxious, which he displayed as anger, and you repeatedly upped the time in which you planned to ignore him - first 15 minutes, then an hour, then finally a whole morning. He then lost his temper, because he is a child, with some difficulties with 'rages' as you call them, and you have given him absolutely no control over anything in this interaction whatsoever. He has exploded with frustration. If you had said "give me 15 minutes then we can talk about it" it might have been kinder than basically sentencing him to 15 minutes of time out.

Drying, not frying.

@LukeEvansWife

Make sure the poor baby gets his computer game and then when he wants to speak, drop everything to give him 100% of your attention.

No. You either say, "OK let's talk" if you have time or "I don't have time now, let's talk at x time". You do both actually looking at the child.

All outbursts are unmet needs. In this case I'd guess attention and ownership.

You can be a stern arsehole to your kids if you want. You'll get compliance, which is what you seem to want. But you aren't raising fully-rounded adults capable of assertively talking about their needs.

@Coronawireless I have to say I did think of that scenario every parent knows where your dc is absorbed in something else then gets narky when you ask them to pay attention to what your saying.

I don’t think that kids should rule the roost but there are pretty basic social conventions you have to model if you want your dc to do the same. It’s fine to say ‘not now I’m busy’ but don’t protest that you are when you’re not.

If my DS ever called me a fucking moron cos the little spoilt brat wasn't getting my full attention, it would certainly be the last time.

No. You either say, "OK let's talk" if you have time or "I don't have time now, let's talk at x time". You do both actually looking at the child.

Given how her son reacted, how do you honestly think "no, let's talk later" would've gone down?

Don't get me wrong I can see it from his perspective. The game is important to him and he's frustrated. But I don't think that would've gone down any better. She'd still get called a fucking moron and have to clean his breakfast off the floor.

@yungnsexy I agree it’s quite likely that approach would have also resulted in some sort of conflict but it enforces a boundary much earlier and links it directly to why it wasn’t a suitable time for waxing on about a game. These things often have to be enforced repeatedly to get the message across. It really wasn’t helpful to anyone to insist that she was listening despite having the hairdryer going.

Given the full story I’m not sure what the OP’s ds would have taken away from their exchange this morning when it could have been a lesson in not thinking he could monopolise her attention at any given moment and given him a useful template for life in general.

Given how her son reacted, how do you honestly think "no, let's talk later" would've gone down?

If she had turned, looked at him, said, "I don't have time right now, please eat your breakfast and I promise we will talk in ten minutes" it would have given the best chance of success. If the best chance doesn't work, and he explodes, then is the time for consequences. Not before you've actually tried.

Some of the language on this thread about an 11 yo is frankly repulsive. He is a child. A child who isn't managing his emotions and needs to learn to. That's his parents' job.

Some of the language on this thread about an 11 yo is frankly repulsive. He is a child. A child who isn't managing his emotions and needs to learn to. That's his parents' job

I agree wholeheartedly, and I think if I was the OP I would be quite hurt at some of the language used about my dc if I were her.

I’m sure he is facing consequences for his outburst (rightly so), but whether he’s learnt anything about avoiding one for himself is debatable.

Oh indeed. According to some on here his mother is turning him into a future rapist/murderer unless she punishes him severely for a minor hormonal outburst.

That's not a minor outburst, slamming a door grunting is a minor outburst. What OP's son did was aggressive and violent. Lots of people saying he probably wouldn't do it at school, I disagree because I work in one and having children be abusive and violent is a daily occurrence.

How dare he behave like that! It isn't ok and OP didn't do anything to provoke it. It would be months before he touched a computer game again if he were my son.

I think the best way to think about it is Kids are sometimes rude and disrespectful and very bad at managing their feelings.

Don't put up with it - be firm. Don't be a walkover and allow him behave unacceptably.

At the same time don't break your heart over it either, thinking you must be a terrible parent. He's a kid - that is what kids do. You just need to guide him (time and time again(!))

And don't allow yourself to feel TOO hurt and take it TOO personally such that it becomes a great "THING" between you. Your the adult, he is the child.

Tell him that while he might feel hard done to, whatever his feelings are it is NOT on to act on them in that way, set some consequences, and then move on together without harbouring a grudge. Make it clear to him that he hasn't destroyed your word with his rage, that you are plenty big enough to manage his bad moods and strops. This will make him feel secure.

• world

The situation you describe OP, is so familiar to me. My DD’s often try and have a blether with me while I dry my hair and do other things.

You didn’t ignore him, you told him you were still listening while you got on with what you were doing. That’s just life, and a very normal scenario in a family I would say.

It doesn’t excuse your DS’s behaviour or language. He’s clearly struggling to regulate his emotions - when he is quiet and happy it might be a good idea to come up with a bit of a plan for when he starts to feel himself get upset / angry. Have a chat about how he felt in that moment, and in other similar moments. And help him to recognise when it’s starting to feel like he isn’t in control and needs some time out.

And don’t follow him when he storms away - give him space.

That said I would still give him a consequence for the way he spoke to you and the way he kicked his breakfast. That’s not ok

Sorry when I say it’s familiar - I done mean my DC have outbursts - I mean what you were doing when it happened

If you were holding a conversation with your boss and they randomly started singing you’d probably be annoyed but have enough life experience to know that you can’t do much about it because of the power imbalance

Errr if I walked into my boss's office to talk about something non-urgent when he was clearly concentrating on something he'd have every right to pull me up on it.

@LukeEvansWife

He's the victim then. Brilliant. Poor little boy, not getting his mummy's attention about a computer game.

Yep. His mother obviously needed to drop what she was doing and immediately discuss with him computer games because it was an urgent issue. That way he will learn that he gets what he wants immediately because what he wants and when he wants it is paramount. And if he doesn't get it, he'll kick off (literally) and that will be the fault of the other person.

He's going to learn great interpersonal skills that way.

@hawksarered How dare he behave like that! It isn't ok and OP didn't do anything to provoke it. It would be months before he touched a computer game again if he were my son.

and you say you work in a school?

@titchy

If you were holding a conversation with your boss and they randomly started singing you’d probably be annoyed but have enough life experience to know that you can’t do much about it because of the power imbalance

Errr if I walked into my boss's office to talk about something non-urgent when he was clearly concentrating on something he'd have every right to pull me up on it.

I agree - but that’s because you recognise the cues that indicate they’re busy. If your boss said ‘it’s fine, carry on’ and then carried on belting out bohemian rhapsody what would you think then?

OP actually told her ds that she was listening to him despite evidently not. The boy is 11, if he’s not picking up on cues it’s doing him no favours to deny that there’s one going on in front of his eyes.

I think what you need to do every single time this happens is go through afterwards what he should have done instead each step of the way. For example if he didn't want to talk while the hair dryer was on he could have spoken to you about it after you'd dried your hair. He needs to think about why he was so angry about sharing the game with his dad and why he spoke to you about it and not his dad. Would he have behaved like this towards his dad? When he starts feeling like he's getting very angry what can he come up with that he could do to calm down? What could he have said instead of kicking his breakfast?

I think there are a few things you have to think about as well - would he behave like this for his dad or his teachers? If not why does he think it's acceptable with you? Is it because he feels safer to let his emotions out with you (emotions he may have to repress in other situations ie from bullying at school) or is it because he doesn't respect you? If he is like it in other situations then it sounds like he is really struggling with managing his emotions generally. Could he be having problems in his life that are causing this? Could there be something more going on for him like ADHD? Could it be his hormones or has he always been like this?