Ds11 has rages and calls me a ‘fucking moron’

[Lavenderpillow]

Had another one this morning. Was discussing with him using some of his birthday money towards a computer game he wants. You would think that would be a calm discussion. I was drying my hair while we were talking and he got agitated and came over and turned the hair dryer off and accused me of ‘cutting him off’. I explained I was still listening and just needed to dry my cold, wet hair! He started ranting about sharing the computer game with his dad who sometimes plays it too, and I said he should just discuss it with his dad then. I could see he was getting really worked up and suggested we have a 15 minute time out so he could calm down and stop ranting. He went into his room and I saw he hadn’t eaten his breakfast so I told him to eat it. He then kicked either the balloon or the breakfast (which were next to each other) and the breakfast exploded everywhere. He then started shouting at me and I said we need a time out for an hour or so and he screamed and called me a fucking moron.

I told him he was to stay in his room all morning, clean everything up and that he had really upset me.

The rest of the time he is a really loving boy. I don’t get why he has these horrible rages and turns into a monster.

I feel really upset this morning and don’t know how to handle it.

Taoneusa is spot on. I agree with your analysis.

Well clearly the OP thought drying her hair was more urgent than talking to her DS.
It's impossible to have a proper conversation with someone through a hairdryer.
Either - please let's wait till my hair is dry & I can concentrate, or turn the thing off and talk to your child with full attention.

Well clearly the OP thought drying her hair was more urgent than talking to her DS

Op drying her hair was more important than her son telling her he wanted the new fifa game that's out today.

fc do you always try and over analyse none issues in an attempt to exonerate someone behaving both appallingly and out of control?

You have to analyse in order to see how to handle conflict in a sensible manner. Just punishing somebody for losing their cool or being rude solves absolutely nothing. There are better and more mature ways of dealing with conflict.

The boy is eleven. He was the one following around his mother trying to get her to agree to whatever he wanted. He clearly thought picking a time when she’s distracted would get him what he wanted.

The boy needs to pick a suitable time to speak to his mother.

He’s eleven, they can regulate their emotions to the point they do not behave destructively in the horn or scream and swear at their parents.

Mine know for a fact they’ll never get what they want if they behave like the OP’s son did.

I can’t believe there are posters siding with the OP’s son.

Your households will be horrible in a few years when your sons are towering over you and their rages equal property destruction and possibility of real physical harm to the others in the household.

Do you think ops kid screams abuse at his teachers when he doesn't get his own way and kicks things across his class? Does he do it to his dad? Or is it just mom who gets this?

Shane the OP said she was drying her hair whilst talking to him. I'd have not tried to do those two things at once, would have firmly delayed the discussion till I had dry hair. I appreciate she did try that, but if she has a child prone to rages, perhaps they need to be handled a bit more carefully with clearer communication.

The boy wanted the new game of fifa that's out today. He decided following his mother out of the shower and then screaming abuse and kicking his cereal across the room was the best response to not getting the response he wanted. How is anyone defending this.

Maybe the behaviour wouldn't have escalated had it been dealt with differently. Toneusa had very valid points and made the OP aware of factors that contributed to the outburst whether she liked it or not. We must acknowledge when we as parents are part of the problem. No shame in that. Having too much pride to admit you don't know everything and may not always do the right thing, is a great attribute for any parent to possess. Reflection of our own behaviour helps us become better parents.

@QuestionEverythingOrBeASheep

Maybe the behaviour wouldn't have escalated had it been dealt with differently. Toneusa had very valid points and made the OP aware of factors that contributed to the outburst whether she liked it or not. We must acknowledge when we as parents are part of the problem. No shame in that. Having too much pride to admit you don't know everything and may not always do the right thing, is a great attribute for any parent to possess. Reflection of our own behaviour helps us become better parents.

*Not having too much pride to admit you don't know everything and may not always do the right thing, is a great attribute for any parent to possess

Not defending the boys behaviour at all, just saying that perhaps the OP could have done a more effective job at diverting or quenching the rage prior to it peaking, especially if its something he's prone to.
She's saying she doesn't know how to handle it so my advice is just to try to head things off a bit earlier. Cooling off period yep, but then don't poke the fire by saying 'and eat your breakfast'.
Focused attention & discussion at a time convenient for them both.
And yep appropriate punishment for breaking the agreed rules like physical outbursts & abusive language.

It’s really always the woman’s fault isn’t it.

Always. Even when you have to make extreme contortions to get to that point.

I mean how simply dare she ask him to eat his breakfast. What a nag. Deserved everything she got.

@Taoneusa

1. Drying your hair while talking = distracted, divided attention level

1. “Discuss it with your dad then” = dismissal

3.accused me of cutting him off = told you how he felt 4.he was visibly upset and you told him to go away for 15 minutes. 5.you mention his breakfast when breakfast is the last thing on his mind 6.he is really upset and shouting now and your response is to suggest cutting attention level to zero.

1. Then it was all about you. He’d really upset you. = his feelings utterly negated.

He didn’t behave perfectly. You failed to give him the attention he was asking for. Your continuing inattentiveness resulted in his frustration escalating.

Put yourself in his shoes for two minutes, imagine trying to talk to someone who is absent, distracted, and continues to distance themselves from you and your needs, no matter how upset you get.

Maybe you’d find yourself raising your voice and telling the person your attempting to talk with that they are a moron.

I’m sorry you’re really upset. Domestic spats are hard!

Are you joking? This is a child we're talking about. His behaviour was shocking. If the OP starts drying her hair while he wants a discussion then he has to wait. That's how we teach our children that they can't get their own way all the time. I'd be removing whatever he plays games on for a while after that.

He has apologised, so I would move on. The breakfast thing sounds like an accident.
His behaviour did warrant an apology.
Can you (or his Dad) talk to him about what to do when he fees angry, when he's calm.

@stellacinnamon I mean how simply dare she ask him to eat his breakfast. What a nag. Deserved everything she got.

Just imagine that you are very upset at being in your view unjustly treated by your OH. You try to discuss it with him and he totally ignores your gripe and says 'you haven't made lunch yet- Be a good girl and trot off and do that'. You woulds be incadescent.

Lol yeah that’s the same.

I guess what you choose to do differently deoebds on whether you want to a) avoid the rages through managing your interactions with him in a different way b) give him better anger management skills so he can self-regulate or c) discipline him more harshly when he behaves badly so that he eventually modifies his behaviour towards you.
I'd do a & b and prob a bit of c - I don't think any of those approaches stand up on their own.
I think he behaved terribly, yep, but you did have a contributing role.
If someone was talking to me but still carried on using their hairdryer, I'd find that rude [shrug]

Are you joking? This is a child we're talking about. His behaviour was shocking. If the OP starts drying her hair while he wants a discussion then he has to wait. That's how we teach our children that they can't get their own way all the time.
No, this is not how we treat our children and certainly not how we expect them to learn about respect for the feelings of others. We look at each situation and decide the best next move that will bring us all forward taking everyone's feelings into account. Just because I'm a parent doesn't mean I shut all conversation down because I'm me. I'm trying to teach my child how best to deal with situations that will happen in life.

Does this strategy of sending your son for a 15 minute time out actually help him calm down? Might be worth re evaluating. At the age of 11, it could be agitating him further.

In the future, if he follows you around the house when you are in the middle of something, you could tell him that you will listen to him when you are finished.

As an aside, if the game is a new release and is a ‘must have’ item, he’ll be desperate to own it. Children are conditioned into being consumers at a young age - manufacturers rely on ‘pester power’ when marketing products aimed at children and young people.

just as a p.s. to my last post, all this 'children should know their place and shut up° basically, so up till they are aged 18 the above applies, and suddenly one day after they are 18 they know how to go out into the world and behave appropriately?

@StellaCinnamon

It’s really always the woman’s fault isn’t it.

Always. Even when you have to make extreme contortions to get to that point.

Oh indeed. According to some on here his mother is turning him into a future rapist/murderer unless she punishes him severely for a minor hormonal outburst.

@Ionlydomassiveones

“You failed to give him the attention he was asking for. Your continuing inattentiveness resulted in his frustration escalating.”

Bullshit. Women and mothers do not exist to simply give screaming males attention whatever their age. I’d have raised my voice and told him to leave the minute he started to escalate the aggression. I believe in grey rock with toddler tantrums and even more so with teenagers. I wouldn’t have even responded when the breakfast got kicked. Total blank response from a parent (though hard to brazen out) is quite unsettling for kids - especially if it’s followed up with a cold unemotional verbal response and a refusal to give away anything, but it is effective in restoring the power balance temporarily.

Once things calm, you become ‘normal’ mother again. Do that every time and it becomes a Pavlovian response because they know that aggression and lashing out is ultimately unproductive. They’re not stupid. They wouldn’t do this to their teachers or their friends, they are lashing out at you because it’s easy. Don’t let it be.

Thanks for this advice, I have a similar situation with my 10yo DD and am at my wits end trying to deal....always ends up with me shouting back, not ideal at all, going to try your way now

I think @Taoneusa’s post was an interesting analysis and could be helpful if you choose to take it on board.

He’s 11, he still needs boundaries teaching and enforcing and you put him in an emotionally difficult position when it’s clear he hasn’t got the skills to cope with it. You could see that from him initially getting wound up.

Drying your hair isn’t conductive to holding a conversation. You weren’t really listening and were fobbing him off. He had the emotional intelligence to know this but doesn’t have the skills to deal with it. Interrupting the 15 minutes calming down space to badger him about breakfast undid any good that space may have done.

His reaction was awful and needs addressing but I can also see why he exploded with frustration. Don’t set him up to fail when what you really need to be doing is putting boundaries in place to prevent him getting to the point of explosion. Make it clear when you do and don’t have time to give him attention to talk about something important to him.

@PotteringAlong

I’m going to be honest and say that, even if it played out exactly as *@Taoneusa* said it did, at the point he kicked his breakfast over the floor and called me a fucking moron what he was spending his birthday money on would be a moot point because there would be no computer to play the game on.

Exactly this.

No matter what- sorry kids are not entitled to 1-2-1 conversation whenever they click their fingers. The minute there is violence or verbal abuse =no computer