Ds11 has rages and calls me a ‘fucking moron’

[Lavenderpillow]

Had another one this morning. Was discussing with him using some of his birthday money towards a computer game he wants. You would think that would be a calm discussion. I was drying my hair while we were talking and he got agitated and came over and turned the hair dryer off and accused me of ‘cutting him off’. I explained I was still listening and just needed to dry my cold, wet hair! He started ranting about sharing the computer game with his dad who sometimes plays it too, and I said he should just discuss it with his dad then. I could see he was getting really worked up and suggested we have a 15 minute time out so he could calm down and stop ranting. He went into his room and I saw he hadn’t eaten his breakfast so I told him to eat it. He then kicked either the balloon or the breakfast (which were next to each other) and the breakfast exploded everywhere. He then started shouting at me and I said we need a time out for an hour or so and he screamed and called me a fucking moron.

I told him he was to stay in his room all morning, clean everything up and that he had really upset me.

The rest of the time he is a really loving boy. I don’t get why he has these horrible rages and turns into a monster.

I feel really upset this morning and don’t know how to handle it.

You said let’s have 15 mins away from each other then nagged him about his breakfast!

@StellaCinnamon

The amount of utter pandering on this forum drives me mental. Sometimes it is ok for a fucking 11 year old not to be the centre of their mother’s world while she’s drying her hair.

This. IN ♠️

None of my kids would dare speak to me like that. And I do several things at once and manage to have a conversation with them at the same time.

And OP was right about telling her son to discuss the sharing the computer with his father with his father. What’s OP got to do with the fact her son shares a computer with his father?

Walking on eggshells and focussing all your energies on entitled little brats who call their parents fucking morons and aggressively cause destruction within a household creates pretty horrible abusive adults.

I would not be discussing computer games with little darling any time soon after such a performance.

He needs to let you finish whatever task you’re doing if he wants your undivided attention. He should ask if he can speak with you when you’re free. The matter was hardly something that needed so much attention anyway. Sounds more like he was pissy because the discussion wasn’t going his way.

11 year olds are perfectly capable of understanding that if someone is doing something they don't need to immediately stop to listen to them. If Op was drying her hair and he didn;t like it, he could have waited until she had finished - it wasn't an urgent matter that needed to be discussed.
Asking him to discuss it with his dad isn't dismissing him, it is offering a better solution, as it is involving the person who will be sharing the game with him, so paying for game needs to be negotiated between them not OP.

We do all our children a disservice if they think that they only have to scream and swear and someone will jump. In the real world we have to learn that sometimes other people may not be able to give us their full attention immediately and that we are not always the priority.

11 year olds should be well past the stage of screaming for immediate attention. And analysing his every feeling at every moment (based on pure speculation)and pandering to him is so cruel - not letting children learn to cope when things aren't exactly as they want them right now is so unkind as it doesn't let them learn how to deal with feelings of irritation and doesn't allow them to be independent and learn how to problem solve by themselves.

At 11 yrs the DS is well able to think 'I'll wait until Mum's finished drying her hair then I'll ask her about my game' or 'Actually it's probably best to ask Dad - he and I are the gamers and we'll be sharing the game. It's not really Mum's problem to sort out.'

Op - I would wait until he is calm, get him to clear up the mess he has made, make him contribute towards the cost of replacing any broken items of crockery etc., wipe the carpet where drink/food has been spilled.

Then maybe later today I would sit down with him and explain that this sort of behaviour cannot go on, screaming and swearing when you don;t get your own way is completely unacceptable. Then I would ask him how how thinks he could handle such situations differently, how he can think of ways to calm himself if he finds he is getting cross. And what he thinks the consequence should be if someone swears at another person and calls them names.
Then draw up a plan together of how things will go next time he finds himself losing the plot over nothing.

Teach him that he can master his negative behaviour he is clever enough and old enough, let him feel the sense of achievement that comes from behaving the right way and controlling your irritation and working out better solutions than losing your temper.

His reaction is totally out of proportion to"being ignored " (diddums). The computer would be off limits for the next couple of days for the swearing and rudeness, and for the breakfast kicking.

@1AngelicFruitCake

You said let’s have 15 mins away from each other then nagged him about his breakfast!

Yes that’s what she did. She nagged him about breakfast because she asked him to eat his breakfast🙄

Nag is a very good word to shut women down.

Christ. If I’d have dared speak to my DPs like that, the breakfast, the computer and everything I owned would have gone in the bin. I can’t believe some people are defending the DS. He is more than old enough to be told to wait for ten minutes.

You know when women are raped and murdered and people come out and say things like, don't tell women not to walk alone at night, tell men not to rape/kill/abuse?

That's this thread. Actual parents making excuses for why an 11 year old boy is entitled to kick his cereal across the room and scream abuse at his own mother because she had the audacity to dry her hair and ask him to finish his breakfast. This is exactly why.

Yup. Scary. Depressing.

My stepchild is 4 and is quickly learning the world doesn't revolve around him and that I don't exist to pander to his every whim.

He followed me from the shower up to my room while I was drying myself/ my hair, so I wasn’t ignoring him or cutting him off. I actually said ‘I’m still listening to you but I need to dry my hair’.

He said he called himself a fucking moron rather than me but he had the duvet wrapped around him so I don’t know. He tidied up the mess and put all the washing away for me to say sorry.

I still feel upset though that he explodes like that.

And to the person who suggested that he has witnessed my husband calling me horrible names, no he hasn’t.

He works himself up into this hysteria all on his own.

What games is he playing with his dad? Are they age appropriate?

Bollocks to half the comments on this thread.

Parents in charge, children show respect.
Aggressive and bad behaviour challenged and punished appropriately.

Do not pander to bad behaviour! What the hell does that teach a child?

No bloody wonder there are so many adults who don't know how to behave!

@ozanj Yes it’s just FIFA!

How often does he "explode" into these rages op?

Honestly I think it could be hormonal, my 12 year old DS has changed out of all recognition in the last 12 months, lots of emotional outbursts and fighting with his younger siblings. That and too much gaming might be a factor (not judging you, just suggesting it is a factor here which we are addressing)

He seems to know he was out of line so take the positive from that.

Strewth to that first reply you got!

My ds has the odd strip - he’s nearly 12 - and it’s nearly always linked to being exhausted or upset. He’s getting better but he doesn’t swear. We talk quite a lot when he’s calm about managing emotions etc.

I can see he might get annoyed with you - those feelings are valid. How he expressed them was not. It’s a conversation I have a lot with DS!

Has he just started secondary? Not an excuse as such but I know my ds is exhausted and screen time is the worse thing for it tbh.

And we wonder how it gets to the point of women being unsafe on the streets. Entitled son can't let mother dry her hair without turning into a raging monster. He's 11 not 2.

Good post @Taoneusa

@JaneJeffer

Good post *@Taoneusa*

Absolute bollocks post.

No child calls me a fucking moron.

@DumplingsAndStew

You escalated things when you asked for a 15 minute Time Out then - from his perspective - got on at him about his breakfast.

When you see he is struggling to come down from a point, you recognised that and pressed pause, which is good. But you need to pause too, and give him that space to de-escalate his feelings.

He needs a punishment for the way he spoke to you, but you could also acknowledge the part you played in this, and once things are calm, discuss the changes you BOTH need to make.

I agree with this. If you are pausing to descalate emotions you BOTH need to pause. Not pop in and have a dig about something else.

Teach him how to regulate his emotions by allowing a time out and then discussing when he's calmer why he was getting angry. Does he also understand why you are saying he needs a time out in those situations? Perhaps that needs explaining to him too (when calm not in the heated moment).

Obviously kicking things and swearing at you is not ok and that needs to be addressed too.

Id put money on gaming being a massive factor in these outbursts...... Some kids just can't cope with it. Get rid of it before he's bigger than you is my advice..... My dc are adults now and ive seen this played out repeatedly over the years.

@Taoneusa

1. Drying your hair while talking = distracted, divided attention level

1. “Discuss it with your dad then” = dismissal

3.accused me of cutting him off = told you how he felt 4.he was visibly upset and you told him to go away for 15 minutes. 5.you mention his breakfast when breakfast is the last thing on his mind 6.he is really upset and shouting now and your response is to suggest cutting attention level to zero.

1. Then it was all about you. He’d really upset you. = his feelings utterly negated.

He didn’t behave perfectly. You failed to give him the attention he was asking for. Your continuing inattentiveness resulted in his frustration escalating.

Put yourself in his shoes for two minutes, imagine trying to talk to someone who is absent, distracted, and continues to distance themselves from you and your needs, no matter how upset you get.

Maybe you’d find yourself raising your voice and telling the person your attempting to talk with that they are a moron.

I’m sorry you’re really upset. Domestic spats are hard!

This, spot on

He was trying to talk to you when you had better things to do and he got angry.
Once he was in an angry state you then told him to eat his breakfast.

His rages sound really frustrating & upsetting. I agree it's horrible behaviour and needs addressing before he gets even bigger.
I'd use a combo of averting these situations - only discuss emotive topics when you can fully focus on each other - and setting clear boundaries for behaviour - no physical outbursts or bad language.
And don't add fuel to the fire by chucking in additional tasks & behaviour reminders & nags as children see them, when he's already a donkey on the edge.
Look up other anger management techniques for him - they will be useful to him in future too

He was trying to talk to you when you had better things to do
Jesus, what a Godawful statement.