Ds11 has rages and calls me a ‘fucking moron’

[Lavenderpillow]

Had another one this morning. Was discussing with him using some of his birthday money towards a computer game he wants. You would think that would be a calm discussion. I was drying my hair while we were talking and he got agitated and came over and turned the hair dryer off and accused me of ‘cutting him off’. I explained I was still listening and just needed to dry my cold, wet hair! He started ranting about sharing the computer game with his dad who sometimes plays it too, and I said he should just discuss it with his dad then. I could see he was getting really worked up and suggested we have a 15 minute time out so he could calm down and stop ranting. He went into his room and I saw he hadn’t eaten his breakfast so I told him to eat it. He then kicked either the balloon or the breakfast (which were next to each other) and the breakfast exploded everywhere. He then started shouting at me and I said we need a time out for an hour or so and he screamed and called me a fucking moron.

I told him he was to stay in his room all morning, clean everything up and that he had really upset me.

The rest of the time he is a really loving boy. I don’t get why he has these horrible rages and turns into a monster.

I feel really upset this morning and don’t know how to handle it.

Taoneusa

1. Drying your hair while talking = distracted, divided attention level

Lack of respect from a child.

1. “Discuss it with your dad then” = dismissal

Parent gave the child an option, as the parent was not the gamer. 3.accused me of cutting him off = told you how he felt Shouted as at his mum as wanted his own way. 4.he was visibly upset and you told him to go away for 15 minutes. Mum not happy at being shouted at so wanted to break the arguement, 5.you mention his breakfast when breakfast is the last thing on his mind Temper display from child, should his mum have cleaned it up? 6.he is really upset and shouting now and your response is to suggest cutting attention level to zero. Mum not rewarding bad behaviour as per recommended child manuels.

1. Then it was all about you. He’d really upset you. = his feelings utterly negated.

Chidl upset at not getting own way.

He didn’t behave perfectly. You failed to give him the attention he was asking for. Your continuing inattentiveness resulted in his frustration escalating.
Child displaying temper.

Put yourself in his shoes for two minutes, imagine trying to talk to someone who is absent, distracted, and continues to distance themselves from you and your needs, no matter how upset you get.
He wanted a computer game, not an injury treated.

Maybe you’d find yourself raising your voice and telling the person your attempting to talk with that they are a moron. This is NEVER acceptable, what if he did this as an adult to his partner, then it gets it;s real name. Domestic violence.

I’m sorry you’re really upset. Domestic spats are hard!

@PotteringAlong

I’m going to be honest and say that, even if it played out exactly as *@Taoneusa* said it did, at the point he kicked his breakfast over the floor and called me a fucking moron what he was spending his birthday money on would be a moot point because there would be no computer to play the game on.

^This

I’ve never found time out a particularly useful technique mainly because it’s not really possible to ensure compliance which simply leads to escalation.

Sounds like you were busy and he’s coming into adolescence. It’s a difficult thing but totally reasonable to expect boundaries and a person’s right to do as he or she pleases ends when it reaches aggressive or violent behaviour.

Aggressive talk, any kind of violence (including kicking things) and the internet goes off is how we deal with these kinds of things. I don’t really care why it happened. They have to know it is unacceptable - the end.

Mums rules ;) and you are clearly not a moron btw

[quote dogmandu]^@hawksarered How dare he behave like that! It isn't ok and OP didn't do anything to provoke it. It would be months before he touched a computer game again if he were my son.^

and you say you work in a school?[/quote]
Please don't waste my time '@ ing' me unless you have something interesting to say.

I said what I said.

[quote dogmandu]^@hawksarered How dare he behave like that! It isn't ok and OP didn't do anything to provoke it. It would be months before he touched a computer game again if he were my son.^

and you say you work in a school?[/quote]
Didn't say "as a teacher" or "as a HoY" though. I'm sure there's a few staff at every school with opinions.

Months' long consequences don't work. Quick, natural consequences.

IT wasn't about wanting computer game. It was about buying the game with his savings and having to share it with his Dad,

It's about the principle of buying something of your own (possibly for the first time) but not having full ownership of it.

What OP's son did was aggressive and violent.
Violent? He kicked a balloon and accidentally hit his breakfast which he then cleared up.

So if a man gets angry and sweeps a glass off a table; that's not violent?

@LukeEvansWife

So if a man gets angry and sweeps a glass off a table; that's not violent?

It can be abusive, yes. And when a toddler does it it's not. An 11 yo is somewhere between those two. 11 yos require parenting, you can't LTB.

Totally unacceptable and I cannot believe the "you just weren't listening to him..." Contingent. Good grief. If I raise a boy into a man who always expects to be listened to when he is making a pain of himself I will consider it a massive failure.

If I raise a boy into a man who always expects to be listened to when he is making a pain of himself

If I raise a boy into a man who always expects to be listened to when he is making a valid and important point to him, then in a functioning and adult household he will be listened to and treated with respect. In the same way as I would expect another adult to listen to me as well.

I have raised a boy into a man and I can tell you listening is a two way street.

I'm pretty shocked tbh about some of the reactions on here. It's 'as if it doesn't matter what a child thinks, or what their reasons are for thinking a certain way about an incident,, their thoughts are simply not important enough to be even listened to. In fact the child isn't important either!

Of course the child is important! Of course we should listen and discuss but a major part of child rearing is teaching them that they do not come first all the time. A child of 11 is plenty old enough to observe that his mum is doing something else and say mum can I talk to you about X, and be expected to not kick up a stink and call her a fucking moron when she says she is just drying her hair first.

I have raised a boy into a man and I can tell you listening is a two way street.
This is true and they learn it by example set by their parents.
I have also raised three fine and caring adults of whom I am immensly< proud.

@dogmandu

I'm pretty shocked tbh about some of the reactions on here. It's 'as if it doesn't matter what a child thinks, or what their reasons are for thinking a certain way about an incident,, their thoughts are simply not important enough to be even listened to. In fact the child isn't important either!

It's terrible isn't it. My mother was like this with the result that I stopped telling her anything. I want my boys to know they can speak to me about anything.

It can be abusive, yes. And when a toddler does it it's not. An 11 yo is somewhere between those two. 11 yos require parenting, you can't LTB

No but everyone blaming OP is ridiculous. He is behaving like a toddler but he is probably a lot bigger!

But just like the thread the other week when a 14 yo hit his mother, everyone will run round excusing him.

Is it okay for him to smash things at school if he is having a tantrum?

There a lots of threads about how as a society we can have less male violence and blaming the mother. It's fucking depressing.

The child is important but he doesn't get to act like a twat because people don't drop everything the minute he wants to discuss someone

*something

And I'm sure if it was important she would have given him full attention - it was a bloody computer game. Most people can discuss things like that without having to concentrate 100%

@LukeEvansWife amen.

@Lifeishitsometimes

Totally unacceptable and I cannot believe the "you just weren't listening to him..." Contingent. Good grief. If I raise a boy into a man who always expects to be listened to when he is making a pain of himself I will consider it a massive failure.

That’s the point though isn’t it? If you don’t teach your child to respect peoples priorities/boundaries then they’re going to fall at the first hurdle aren’t they?

The boy in the OP needs to learn that and as the adult the OP has the opportunity to help him by making sure he knows and respects things like, don’t start important (to him) conversations when people are clearly in the middle of something else. That basic understanding will avoid a lot of conflict in life.

The kicking, swearing and name calling absolutely requires punishment but if you want to raise an adult who doesn’t get themselves into situations like that in the first place it needs spelling out clearly and consistently if the child isn’t getting it themselves. If he’s constantly having similar outbursts then you can either be reactive and cow him into compliance (without him ever really understanding why he gets so frustrated because he’s got not idea about the cues he’s missing and his expectations are out of line) or proactive and tackle the root of the problem which will benefit him in lots of situations and as consequence everyone he has a relationship with throughout life.

The other potential to mention if there are no antecedents here (as in he has never witnessed disrespect to you as his mum, and is mirroring it) is blood sugar issues. I noticed you mentioned he hadn't eaten his breakfast. Is this something you've noticed before? Bad behaviour linked to no breakfast/ hangriness? Does not make it any way ok but may be a teaching opportunity. As in, teaching him the importance of looking after his body to avoid this sort of thing..

@Lifeishitsometimes

The other potential to mention if there are no antecedents here (as in he has never witnessed disrespect to you as his mum, and is mirroring it) is blood sugar issues. I noticed you mentioned he hadn't eaten his breakfast. Is this something you've noticed before? Bad behaviour linked to no breakfast/ hangriness? Does not make it any way ok but may be a teaching opportunity. As in, teaching him the importance of looking after his body to avoid this sort of thing..

Yup. Tired, stressed, hungry? Is it the first week of school? Are friend groups an issue? Is he too busy? Do you have set times to talk (dinner, car rides)?

I wonder in this case if your DH is dismissive, because DS clearly didn't think talking to him would help.

All outbursts are unmet needs. In this case I'd guess attention and ownership

That's great - so if a man explodes in temper and breaks things, he's not getting his needs met? Fucking hell.

Good he apologised but he should also learn that it isn't a magic word.

@dogmandu

If I raise a boy into a man who always expects to be listened to when he is making a pain of himself

If I raise a boy into a man who always expects to be listened to when he is making a valid and important point to him, then in a functioning and adult household he will be listened to and treated with respect. In the same way as I would expect another adult to listen to me as well.

But how does the child learn how to cope when he feels people aren't listening to him and treating him with respect (which is pretty much in the eye of the beholder really). Because it will happen, probably a lot. People often don't think your need to feel respected is paramount.

I think an important lesson for children is to accept that they are not the centre of the universe and they need to learn to deal with frustration without losing it.