What the fuck do I do? Life fallen apart overnight

[Darkestdays]

I'm a mum to a 2 year old and I'm pregnant with my second. I work 15 hours per week and don't earn much. DH has been a high earner for past 6 years. We've just taken out a big mortgage 8 months ago.

He's been a grumpy bastard for the past 3 weeks, we've argued loads and tonight I lost it and said I can't deal with how argumentative he's being when I'm exhausted with pregnancy sick with HG, looking after toddler and working PT and wtf is wrong with him. He burst into tears, I've never seen him cry before, and admits he's lost his job.

It was a career in a cut throat industry and they simply decided he wasn't doing well enough and he was gone. He had a formal disciplinary a week ago. I'm furious he didn't tell me so we could of tried to find him a union rep but he's done it all alone for fear of disappointing me.

He's upset that I'm not supporting him since it all came out tonight but I'm just in bits. How are we supposed to cope without his salary? He earns £65k and I earn £7k! I can't afford our council tax bill on top of nursery fees let alone the mortgage. We can't sell within the first year can we, aren't we going to be in negative equity and end up in debt for years? I feel like my life has just fallen apart

Sorry - just adding to @PlanDeRaccordement’s post.

@Blossomtoes

People don't just get fired for no reason.

They really do. Why do you think people win employment tribunals?

I agree and even if someone is sacked, it doesn't make them an awful , lazy person or unemployable. It happens sometimes.

It used to be easier to claim Jobseekers and other benefits if you'd been fired, I don't know if that is still the case but the sooner he registers, the better.

I hope husband finds another job soon, op.

@Gazelda

I've been a MNer for about 12 years. I've enjoyed it so much, laughed, been shocked, learned lots, whiled away hours .

But threads like this are what makes MNing a dirty secret.

Nasty, bullying posters enjoy a good pile on to a scared woman's post. Criticising, judging, mis-quoting, belittling and attacking someone who is pregnant, very ill and dealing with a sudden huge change in circumstances that could rock any marriage.

Shameful

This is exactly why I Mumsnet in secret. I hint to the odd friend I look occasionally. This thread is an embarrassment.

* cricketmum84
I too wonder how he supported you to work part time and not being in much money yet now the tables have turned you are angry at him and not supporting him.

I get that you are worrying about your lifestyle, I mean you won't be able to get your hair and nails done anymore will you. But do you know what if your husband has left a high stress, high pressure job that doesn't bring as much money in you could be ya know a little bit happy for him? Support him? Understand that this is maybe what he needs? Just like only working 15 hours a week is what you needed.

(My DH was utterly miserable in his high paid job. He changed careers and earned a lot less and I upped my hours and luckily secured a promotion. He is a million times happier now)

It's a two way partnership. And your family's happiness comes before material possessions. 
What the actual fuck? What is wrong with you?

Who mentioned hairs and nails? Not me. Not once. I couldn't give less of a fuck about these things.

The fancy car? Didn't want it. Told him it's a waste of money when it's only to get us from A to B. He wanted it. Said he worked his arse off to get to where he is and wants a nice car. Nothing to fucking do with me.

He told me he lost his job. Who mentioned keeping the lifestyle and the car? Not me!! Not FUCKING ONCE!!!

HE has said he isn't leaving this house.
I have said if we have to then that's we have to do and we will be fine.
HE has said he wants an easy job but wants to keep this lifestyle.
I have said, to him and multiple fucking times in this fucking thread that it just isn't possible. Things will have to change. That's life, and we will be fine.

Bunch of wankers on here. Sexism reaaally coming out with all these assumptions being thrown at me. Hair and nails more important than husbands mental health - never said anything like that. Not wanting to give up my lifestyle, I'm the one saying that's what we have to do.

I am 6 months fucking pregnant, looking after a toddler 5 days a week and working the other 2 all whilst dealing with hyperemesis, I've been hospitalised multiple times due to it and people are telling me oh but you're having a jolly working part time aren't you, selfish!! Yes I'm having a fucking ball. Loving it. Life of luxury.

You ask for help and this is what you get. You're all so fucking concerned about his mental health but you're more than happy to tear down a women who's struggling. Fuck off.*

I sincerely hope that the people (probably largely women) who have laid into the OP feel utterly ashamed of themselves for kicking someone when they're down through no fault of their own!!!!
It's disgusting!
Would you all honestly treat someone irl like this? If yes then I'm glad you're not in my circle of life because nobody that I know would have offered anything other than absolute support to the OP.
Mumsnet at it's worst.

I got a full time job whilst pregnants o I would start with that. Your husband can do all the cleaning and childcare now as he is not in work.

@derbee
Sorry I’ve confused which post you were referring to. The telling her to rage., that was more from the sum of many posters not you. I do apologise again.

I agree too the DH is not an innocent victim because he did conceal things from the OP. He made a big and very bad mistake.

@Xenia

I got a full time job whilst pregnants o I would start with that. Your husband can do all the cleaning and childcare now as he is not in work.

Did you have hyperemesis gravidarum though?

It doesn’t look as if op is coming back. I do want to say on this thread very loudly and shoutily.

STOP TELLING OP’S WITH ZERO SAVINGS TO RENT THEIR LARGE HOUSES OUT…. or any house for that matter. I am a professional landlord and deep pockets are required. If op did this, she could end up seriously out of pocket on all of the legals and having her house repossessed if the tenants didn’t pay or trashed the property. And if they were to pay (presuming she could do so with the consent of her lender), she and her dh will pay tax on that as income generated as mortgage interest payments are no longer directly offset against income.

If he was fired for something he didn't do, surely he would have told OP, occams razor suggests he probably got fired and was too scared to tell her.

I don't mean to be rude but your DH sounds a bit dishonest and manipulative. He's been angry and bad tempered for three weeks. Only when you challenge him about the bad temper he tells you the bad news and bursts into tears. And despite his supposedly not wanting to disappoint you, he expects you to support him right away even though he's just hit you with all this disappointment. That's not right and that's not shock, he's known about it for days and weeks. And it's convenient for him that he's decided he needs a less stressful job. It all sounds just a little bit calculated to shield himself from the consequences of his own actions and decisions.

Something isn't right here. I'm afraid there may still be more to come out. People are saying you must be a team but that takes two. He may not be a calculated liar but he does sound a bit wriggly. And realising that your husband has not been honest would do more to make your life fall apart than losing his income.

@Darkestdays

I'm a mum to a 2 year old and I'm pregnant with my second. I work 15 hours per week and don't earn much. DH has been a high earner for past 6 years. We've just taken out a big mortgage 8 months ago.

He's been a grumpy bastard for the past 3 weeks, we've argued loads and tonight I lost it and said I can't deal with how argumentative he's being when I'm exhausted with pregnancy sick with HG, looking after toddler and working PT and wtf is wrong with him. He burst into tears, I've never seen him cry before, and admits he's lost his job.

It was a career in a cut throat industry and they simply decided he wasn't doing well enough and he was gone. He had a formal disciplinary a week ago. I'm furious he didn't tell me so we could of tried to find him a union rep but he's done it all alone for fear of disappointing me.

He's upset that I'm not supporting him since it all came out tonight but I'm just in bits. How are we supposed to cope without his salary? He earns £65k and I earn £7k! I can't afford our council tax bill on top of nursery fees let alone the mortgage. We can't sell within the first year can we, aren't we going to be in negative equity and end up in debt for years? I feel like my life has just fallen apart

Genuinely hope that you ignore the hateful messages and filter through the positivity.

Worst thing to do would be to turn against your husband is these sort of situations or blame him. I don't know what industry he is in but in mine people regularly get managed out for no real reason. Employers wanting to avoid paying full redundancy also sometimes frame it disciplinary proceedings for missing targets.

Bad that he didn't tell you, but many men feel embarrassed when they lose their job & he may have been hoping that it wouldn't come to a dismissal, so best to give him the benefit of the doubt. I also imagine he wants to hold onto House & car for similar reasons - it can be embarrassing etc, but certainly not a reason to leave him.

If you are on repayment + interest mortgage defo go for mortgage payment holiday or at least interest only.

I don’t know why everyone is giving the OP such a hard time. I really feel for you, it must be a huge shock to deal with when you are already pregnant and your DH doesn’t seem to be being realistic.

I would suggest you look into the house, I don’t know a lot about it but I know you have to sell back to govt / company in the first years and so cannot make profit on it but you shouldn’t be in negative equity either. It does sound like selling up would take the pressure off. Talking about selling might make DH think about what he wants because a lower paid job is a lifestyle change as you point out.

I hear you can make good money being a driver - seriously though with shortages of labour it might be worth actually thinking about what other employment might work and whether that supports current lifestyle or is a change.

Good luck - I hope in a years time you can look back and see it all worked out in the end

@Rhubarbsoup

If he was fired for something he didn't do, surely he would have told OP, occams razor suggests he probably got fired and was too scared to tell her.

Not necessarily. Many innocent but naive people go to formal disciplinary feeling that justice will be done. That the HR investigation and interviews will have proved their innocence and the formal disciplinary will result in their favour. So why worry an already unwell spouse about a disciplinary for something they did not do? When they are sure they won’t lose their job?

It’s not a smart decision or right decision, but it can be understandable.

@Gazelda

I've been a MNer for about 12 years. I've enjoyed it so much, laughed, been shocked, learned lots, whiled away hours.

But threads like this are what makes MNing a dirty secret.

Nasty, bullying posters enjoy a good pile on to a scared woman's post. Criticising, judging, mis-quoting, belittling and attacking someone who is pregnant, very ill and dealing with a sudden huge change in circumstances that could rock any marriage.

Shameful.

This ^ In spades!

Sadly though, I am not shocked. This kind of mentality - and bullying the OP - is becoming commonplace on here. Fortunately lots of MNers are lovely, but there are lots of nasties on here too.

I have been reading (but not contributing to) a thread where a poster's SEN child has been making her life really difficult, and the posts on there from several posters are dreadful. No compassion at all. Ditto, goady threads started by people to cause discord and disharmony, and to race-bait boil my piss too.

I had to hide a thread the other night that was clearly race-baiting. And I have my notifications turned OFF so if someone DID still continue baiting me, I wouldn't see the posts. Sadly, although many posters are nice, there are some who are either nasty for the sake of it, or they gang together to try and out-woke each other, and attack anyone who doesn't agree, and call them bigoted and racist etc...

@rainbowstardrops

* cricketmum84 I too wonder how he supported you to work part time and not being in much money yet now the tables have turned you are angry at him and not supporting him.

I get that you are worrying about your lifestyle, I mean you won't be able to get your hair and nails done anymore will you. But do you know what if your husband has left a high stress, high pressure job that doesn't bring as much money in you could be ya know a little bit happy for him? Support him? Understand that this is maybe what he needs? Just like only working 15 hours a week is what you needed.

(My DH was utterly miserable in his high paid job. He changed careers and earned a lot less and I upped my hours and luckily secured a promotion. He is a million times happier now)

It's a two way partnership. And your family's happiness comes before material possessions. 
What the actual fuck? What is wrong with you?

Who mentioned hairs and nails? Not me. Not once. I couldn't give less of a fuck about these things.

The fancy car? Didn't want it. Told him it's a waste of money when it's only to get us from A to B. He wanted it. Said he worked his arse off to get to where he is and wants a nice car. Nothing to fucking do with me.

He told me he lost his job. Who mentioned keeping the lifestyle and the car? Not me!! Not FUCKING ONCE!!!

HE has said he isn't leaving this house.
I have said if we have to then that's we have to do and we will be fine.
HE has said he wants an easy job but wants to keep this lifestyle.
I have said, to him and multiple fucking times in this fucking thread that it just isn't possible. Things will have to change. That's life, and we will be fine.

Bunch of wankers on here. Sexism reaaally coming out with all these assumptions being thrown at me. Hair and nails more important than husbands mental health - never said anything like that. Not wanting to give up my lifestyle, I'm the one saying that's what we have to do.

I am 6 months fucking pregnant, looking after a toddler 5 days a week and working the other 2 all whilst dealing with hyperemesis, I've been hospitalised multiple times due to it and people are telling me oh but you're having a jolly working part time aren't you, selfish!! Yes I'm having a fucking ball. Loving it. Life of luxury.

You ask for help and this is what you get. You're all so fucking concerned about his mental health but you're more than happy to tear down a women who's struggling. Fuck off.*

I sincerely hope that the people (probably largely women) who have laid into the OP feel utterly ashamed of themselves for kicking someone when they're down through no fault of their own!!!!
It's disgusting!
Would you all honestly treat someone irl like this? If yes then I'm glad you're not in my circle of life because nobody that I know would have offered anything other than absolute support to the OP.
Mumsnet at it's worst.

It's like angry people just come on here looking for victims. Jesus people get a grip! If you wouldn't dare say it to someone's face then don't post it online! Sorry OP other people have better advice but after looking at all the mad assumptions couldn't read and run. Hope you will come back and realise that there are reasonable people here

Sorry to hear this OP.

Firstly, you need to sit down and talk about your initial plans, change mortgage to interest only, until your husband is able to find work again, it doesn’t have to be highly paid, just something that is going to bring in an income, so you don’t lose your house and are able to pay your bills. It isn’t ideal he hid this from you but sometimes men do hide things because they feel like a failure. Support each other the best you can, work out a plan going forwards but most importantly you are both a unit, so make sure you stick together through this.

Completely agree with you @Mummyoflittledragon about rental, with just one proviso.
It might be worth looking into Council or Housing Association or Company rentals as we had to move out of our negative equity flat, but were able to agree a fixed contract with the Council to rent it from us. Because it was a fixed contract, it was considered a secure let and was counted as income when we applied for another mortgage.
Of course, it does depend on whether the institutions in her area are involved in these schemes and this was a while ago, but might be worth a look as they might be more secure than private lets. She would need a solicitor to check first tho.

OP even though your husband has left, it would still be worth talking to union rep if he can to check that the company obeyed the letter of the law. Also the union may have a job service where he might find similar work?

I hope you can ignore the rude people and glean some advice. It sounds like you are going through a hard time and both are coming to terms with the shock and hard realities, but get as much support as you can from family and from benefits to keep you going whilst you sort this out, as I am sure you will eventually find a path through this.

@MareofBeasttown

MN is always vicious to SAHMs or women who earn less than their husbands. Nowhere did the OP come off as a spoilt princess. She is just in shock and needed to vent. Unfortunately AIBU is a terrible place to vent.

Which presumably is why OP posted in chat where it’s usually kinder. This thread is horrible.

Firstly hats off to you for having HG during your pregnancy and managing to maintain your job. Many people ( especially on here ) have no idea how awful HG is - its not a case of feeling a little sick it is completely debilitating and scary too at times.
You have had a shock and most probably feel that the rug has been pulled under your feet and that is a completely natural reaction so don't be made to feel bad about that. Your husband is probably feeling stressed out and worried that he has disappointed you and let you down which is normal too. If he has been working for his employer for more than 2 years check your home insurance policy because it may well cover you for a solicitor - mine did and it didn't cost me a penny to take my employer to tribunal for unfair dismissal ( and win a settlement and reference)
I wish you all the best

Some of the replies on here are nasty. What a shock for you both, OP. Try to gather as much info as possible about your husband’s dismissal, he may have grounds to appeal? I know it’s not easy but try to keep yourself level headed and source good info for your financial situation. Citizen’s Advice would be a good starting point as well as checking benefit entitlements: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/work/leaving-a-job/dismissal/after-youve-been-dismissed/

I hope you can work through this and find some interim solutions to tide you over.

Yes the DH kept the fact he was losing and then had lost his job from the OP, but that’s hardly on the scale of adultery!

Correct, not on the same scale as adultery, it is much worse than that. One is him having time do to something for him, the other is leaving it way to late to be able to sort emergency finances to pay for things, it’s three weeks of living as if you have money, three weeks of pretending everything is ok instead of facing up to an inevitable problem. Much worse.

Darkestdays I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I know time isn't on your side due to the urgency of the situation, but I'd try to avoid making any dramatic decisions in the 24-48 hours. You've had a terrible shock and need time to process it. Good decisions aren't made when you're traumatised.

In terms of managing the financial situation, I think you need to take yourself out of the equation for earning. You are 6 months pregnant. By all means look for work, but consider any earnings acquired a bonus. Realistically there are too many barriers to make you working the solution to this problem.

This has implications for your marriage, which I'm sure you've already realised. Again, now is not the time to make a life-changing decision on that, but how you (and he) handle this will play a big part in whatever decision you make long term. So make it clear what you expect, starting with full disclosure and realism from him. He is fully entitled to say he can't work at that level any more. He's not entitled to bury his head in the sand.

I don't want to add to your worries, but have you ever had any concerns about gambling, poor investments or loans being taken out you don't know about? The fact he's always handled the finances and is now telling you things about the mortgage which seem to be wrong make me worry that you've not had total honesty from him about your financial situation. That needs to change. As a married couple you are a team. That doesn't mean each of you does every role 50/50 but it does mean 100% honesty and joint decision making, which for his part should have included saying some time ago he wasn't coping well and needed to talk with you about finding other ways to live your lives together.

What's done is done. He's dropped a bombshell on you. If his mental health is in a mess, that's perhaps understandable, but it's out now and he needs to work with you to find a solution, not pretend everything will be OK without any practical suggestion as to how to achieve that. He has to start with full disclosure- why exactly was he sacked? What implications does it have for him getting another job in that line of work? What implication does it have for getting any other job, even low paid in a different industry altogether? Does he need time out sick if his mental health is that poor?

What is the exact mortgage penalty if you sell early? This isn't a quick solution but might not be as much of a hit as you think by the time a sale had gone through.

How big is the house? With a newborn it might not be feasible option if you can't escape each other, but rent a room scheme may offer a short-term solution? It's tax free earnings. www.gov.uk/rent-room-in-your-home/the-rent-a-room-scheme

Good luck. Be sure to lean on those around you through this horrible time.

Teeheehee1579
The poor guys has probably been so stressed and shocked that all he wants to do is get off the rat race too which is precisely what you have done (and he has enabled you to) so give him a flippin break. I know you are shocked but this has actually made me quite cross

This - I have been in this situation as the high earner and although wasn’t sacked, collapsed at work from stress and ended up in A&E. Health and family comes first. X

@UpintNorth

Teeheehee1579 The poor guys has probably been so stressed and shocked that all he wants to do is get off the rat race too which is precisely what you have done (and he has enabled you to) so give him a flippin break. I know you are shocked but this has actually made me quite cross

This - I have been in this situation as the high earner and although wasn’t sacked, collapsed at work from stress and ended up in A&E. Health and family comes first. X

Yes, his family - which includes the OP, and his two children (one unborn), to whom he has a responsibility. He has massively failed them by getting himself the tin tack.

What about their well-being? What are they meant to do? Unlike the ‘D’H, none of this is their fault.

Wierdly large number of posters today, just looking to stick up for the bloke, whatever he’s done.

Sorry for your situation. It was shit of him not to tell you, but I can also understand him not wanting to. I have no real advise. Reading this makes me glad I’ve not mortgaged myself to the hilt, lots of my friends have done it and would be in the exact same situation as you.