What the fuck do I do? Life fallen apart overnight

[Darkestdays]

I'm a mum to a 2 year old and I'm pregnant with my second. I work 15 hours per week and don't earn much. DH has been a high earner for past 6 years. We've just taken out a big mortgage 8 months ago.

He's been a grumpy bastard for the past 3 weeks, we've argued loads and tonight I lost it and said I can't deal with how argumentative he's being when I'm exhausted with pregnancy sick with HG, looking after toddler and working PT and wtf is wrong with him. He burst into tears, I've never seen him cry before, and admits he's lost his job.

It was a career in a cut throat industry and they simply decided he wasn't doing well enough and he was gone. He had a formal disciplinary a week ago. I'm furious he didn't tell me so we could of tried to find him a union rep but he's done it all alone for fear of disappointing me.

He's upset that I'm not supporting him since it all came out tonight but I'm just in bits. How are we supposed to cope without his salary? He earns £65k and I earn £7k! I can't afford our council tax bill on top of nursery fees let alone the mortgage. We can't sell within the first year can we, aren't we going to be in negative equity and end up in debt for years? I feel like my life has just fallen apart

Worried I have already said let's agree to disagree. That is allowed. I think what you and many SAHP have done is risky financially and I dont mean for a flash car. I mean all the eggs in one basket scenario. I accept its your choice. I just dont think the benefit is as clear cut as maybe you do. Statistics on SAHP and more Mums is that they dont always go back to work at all. This can leave them financially vunerable and worries me for possible splits and losing partners ect. I am not necessary advocating two FT parents but with one person not working you can get inequality in their lives or like this case when the difference is so large. 7k to 65k it feels like the end of the world if you lose the higher income.

Or maybe the op has a part time job because of her dp.
He works 6 days a week, including weekends and evenings.
Maybe she didn't want to spread herself so thin.

@Darkestdays

Do you have a spare room? You could get a lodger for some temporary extra income?
You could find some additional wfh admin? You could hand back the expensive lease car and get something far cheaper?

Talk to your mortgage company, they will want to help, and talk to your employer about extra hours. Then think about how one of you would be able to earn top up money, remember childcare costs aren't for ever

That's my point though at some point as a couple they have decided that he does the 65k 6 days a week job and she does 15hrs for 7k. At that point a serious conversation should have happened about his longevity in a high pressure role. They should have considered the what ifs...both of them. I cant believe anyone who lives this way doesnt do that. Or any partnership doesnt have that conversation.what if one of us lost our income. If you dont do it now and if you can save 3 months mortgage and Bill's money to give yourself some breathing space if that happens. Consider income protection especially if your employers offers it. I never intended to give any other advice on this post apart from to calm down, consider calmly what's happened show some compassion even if he has done wrong as to me he was shouldering a lot of financial responsibility.

[quote gogohm]@Darkestdays

Do you have a spare room? You could get a lodger for some temporary extra income?
You could find some additional wfh admin? You could hand back the expensive lease car and get something far cheaper?

Talk to your mortgage company, they will want to help, and talk to your employer about extra hours. Then think about how one of you would be able to earn top up money, remember childcare costs aren't for ever[/quote]
I mean this kindly, @gogohm but would anyone want to share a house with a family with a 2 year old and a baby due? Being kept awake all night by a new baby?

The lease car has been covered already in huge detail and evidently they can't just give it back.

@tootiredtospeak

That's my point though at some point as a couple they have decided that he does the 65k 6 days a week job and she does 15hrs for 7k. At that point a serious conversation should have happened about his longevity in a high pressure role. They should have considered the what ifs...both of them. I cant believe anyone who lives this way doesnt do that. Or any partnership doesnt have that conversation.what if one of us lost our income. If you dont do it now and if you can save 3 months mortgage and Bill's money to give yourself some breathing space if that happens. Consider income protection especially if your employers offers it. I never intended to give any other advice on this post apart from to calm down, consider calmly what's happened show some compassion even if he has done wrong as to me he was shouldering a lot of financial responsibility.

This is sensible advice about being prepared mentally and financially to deal with challenges. Especially during and after covid. If you marry someone, you should talk about shouldering the mental burden, how you will deal with setbacks etc. I get it- OP is sick, pregnant and working all with a toddler. She needs support but is being asked to support someone else. At the moment maybe she doesn’t feel strong enough. But she can do it. It is simple as saying words- I love you, I will support you, we will get through it. She is bound to this man so might as well get practical and get him applying for jobs, sorting a mortgage holiday etc. OP all the best I hope every day gets easier for you.

@tootiredtospeak - I think you are projecting to be honest. I am glad I got to spend those few years with my children, I got to see them grow, develop, walk, talk etc (I also worked evenings too.) So maybe take back your comment about it being pointless because that’s the most ridiculous and insulting thing I’ve read towards SAHP’s.

That's my point though at some point as a couple they have decided that he does the 65k 6 days a week job and she does 15hrs for 7k. At that point a serious conversation should have happened about his longevity in a high pressure role.
It reads to me @tootiredtospeak that the op probably tried to have the conversation.
But he probably told her it was ok.

And as op hadn't got a crystal ball,she took him at his word.As most people would.

What am I projecting sorry. I dont want to be a SAHM I have 3 kids one is now 20. I was a single mum with him and had to work to keep a roof over our heads till he was 6. Then I met my DP 4 years later we had a kid I did 16 hours after mat leave then 21 another kid and now 26hrs. I have never wanted to be a SAHM. Mainly as I work in finance and see the pitfalls plus I had 6 years where I just had too. If they had considered this and planned for it appropriately then I dont think the OP would have been as panicked no.

Lady08 so you worked evenings then. My point was not to leave yourself financially vunerable it's pointless to do that for what I dont see as a significant enough benefit. Dont leave yourself financially vunerable...not your entire existence is pointless as you dont work 🙄

If my DP leaves me I have enough of my own savings shared equity and the possibility of increasing my hours enough to provide for my family. I dont have to rely on him. I just dont get why you are all getting so angry that I think that is what any person should do and plan for.

If he loses his income which is double mine we have joint savings to cover 3 months essential Bill's and my salary co ers the rest. I hope if the OP reads these answers that she considers her own future individually and as a couple.

Your upset I get it but please he is shouldering all that. Having to support everybody he probably panicked. You dont want to make him feel there is no way out. Be calm and kind say your upset he didnt feel he could share but that's done. Now it's time to be practical and follow all advice above. But that you still love him your a team you will get through it together.

This 👆

I haven’t had time to read everything. Just wanted to add to the practical advice with a bit of emotional support. I am a sahm, 3 dc, one with severe disabilities so I am her ft cater having had to give up a good career. Dh then had to become the sole earner, similar to your dh. He got made redundant last year, he just didn’t fit well with the company he was with. He now has something else, paying a bit less, but we are ok. At the moment, having been in a similar position, I would say just take it slowly. You will both be in the knee jerk, stress filled, emotionally exhausted stage, you need to remember that when it all seems against you, your dh will also be feeling beyond his limits and no confidence, so that’s why a much less pressured job appeals. Look carefully at where you can get immediate help- any savings, any severance pay should be followed up, mortgage holidays, interest free credit cards, anything that will take off the immediate financial pressure to provide breathing space. Then, take a few days to process and just get on with applying. Something will come up, it might be a sideways step, or a small step down, but there will be jobs out there that are suitable, even if only temporarily til the right one comes up. Competition is fierce, so look into what can be done practically to help chances, eg improving his cv, LinkedIn profiles, professional development training at home. You need to be a focussed, positive team, determined to find a way forward to cope with whatever comes, it’s not easy but it has to be done. There isn’t any choice. Stop panicking about what might happen, and focus on what you can do now. If we can get through, you can too.

@tootiredtospeak

Lady08 so you worked evenings then. My point was not to leave yourself financially vunerable it's pointless to do that for what I dont see as a significant enough benefit. Dont leave yourself financially vunerable...not your entire existence is pointless as you dont work 🙄

Yes but I was earning very little and was still what you call financially dependant. I was also dependant on his being home to care for our children in order to work. What works for some families doesn’t mean it’s not right, I still see you haven’t taken back your insulting comment about a SAHM being pointless and what’s with the eye-rolling, are you a teenager?

@tootiredtospeak

If my DP leaves me I have enough of my own savings shared equity and the possibility of increasing my hours enough to provide for my family. I dont have to rely on him. I just dont get why you are all getting so angry that I think that is what any person should do and plan for.

@tootiredtospeak - No one is getting angry at your constant ‘financial reliant’ posts, it’s your insulting SAHM’s comment about being ‘pointless’.

Just because it doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t work for others. It would be like calling you a ‘pointless’ mother for putting your child in nursery full-time. You would find it insulting.

No I am 45. The eye roll is at you choosing to taking offence to my comment. Dont.

I have never put my kids in nursery FT fuck sake it's pointless trying to get the point across. I think the benefits of being a SAHP are pointless. I do no not think they outweigh having less financial vulnerability. That's my opinion it may not be yours that's fine. I dont take offence if its isn't. Try it its liberating.

@tootiredtospeak

I have never put my kids in nursery FT fuck sake it's pointless trying to get the point across. I think the benefits of being a SAHP are pointless. I do no not think they outweigh having less financial vulnerability. That's my opinion it may not be yours that's fine. I dont take offence if its isn't. Try it its liberating.

I think you’ll find the majority of SAHM’s will take offence to your comments by using the words ‘pointless’, try being less judgemental and stop labelling what’s pointless. You said you was a single parent that had to work, which is understandable, the majority would have to if they had no choice, however, many have supportive partners who are able to cover the costs of the family, meaning the mother is able to raise her children at home. You seem hellbent on getting the last word in, just accept you were insulting and move on.

@tootiredtospeak - Also I agree it does make you financially dependant on your partner but that’s the risk you take, not every women gets screwed over by their husbands and of the ones I know, I don’t know any that have.

Can you not see the irony in all this on a thread where the OP posted due to her financial vulnerability as her DH the high earner had lost his job. It was relevant. I wouldn't have posted that on a thread about baking. I am not out to offend but am not going to apologise for posting an opinion on a site that asks for opinions. You are choosing to find it insulting its not....its sensible advice. If you consider it and disregard it in the comfort of your own circumstances thats fine. It doesnt make it invalid or insulting.

the mother is able to raise her children at home”

What are you talking about? We all raise our children at home. The fact fhey go to child care ans then school doesn’t mean we don’t raise our own children

What an awful thing to write.

@tootiredtospeak - But you never just said being a SAHM puts you in a financially reliant position, you said it was ‘pointless’. If you can’t comprehend between the two then that’s your problem.
Your whole point was irrelevant anyway because OP works part time but is a low earner.

@Bluntness100

the mother is able to raise her children at home”

What are you talking about? We all raise our children at home. The fact fhey go to child care ans then school doesn’t mean we don’t raise our own children

What an awful thing to write.

😂😂😂

@tootiredtospeak speaking of irony, you’ve worked “all your life in finance” and only earn £20k. That’s risky too. Your husband earns double. Are you really suggesting that should your husband lose his job and not tell you, your £20k income would suddenly easily support a household that is used to bringing in £60k?